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My boyfriend wants to date others to see if I am what he really wants. How am I supposed to react to that?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (22 September 2006) 17 Answers - (Newest, 1 January 2010)
A female , *iara writes:

I am in a realationship with someone that i love with all my heart. He loves me but wants to date others to make sure I am truely what he wants. How do I react to that? any suggestions?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2010):

this sounds exsatly what im going through it sucks .people keep saying it will get better but it dosnt seem like it right now we broke up about 2 weeks ago and then as soon as i feel im moving on with my life and i tell him im going to a party or something like that he sucks up again saying he misses me and all that i know what the smart thing to it it would be leave him and get over i just dont know how to feel any happier write noe with the situation has anyone got hints how to make it easier....

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2008):

I have just had the same conversation with my boyfriend. We have been trying non-exclusively dating for a month now. We were originally together for 5 years and broke up 6 months ago but we haven't been able to let each other go. I realised after a while that he was the one i wanted to be with but he is still figuring out what he wants from life and isnt ready to commit to giving our relationship another go just yet. He says he wants to have new experiences and maybe a new relationship but he doesnt want to lose me either. Tonight I asked him to choose either to see me or give up for up. He chose to give up. He said if we could keep dating we would have a chance but he's not ready yet. I dunno how to feel that. I'm heartbroken but realise this isnt healthy. I still dont know how to give him up. I hope you find a resolution.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2007):

hiya, i dont think that is good!!, well i was with my boyfriend and i didnt think i loved him anymore so i finished him... i got with somebody else, it only lasted one day and then i finished him because i relised how much i loved the boyfriend i finoshed forst, now im back with my origional boyfriend and we are so happy, im glad i finished him first because now i know how much i loved him even though i didnt feel it at the time!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2007):

How many people on this forum agree that when a mate says "I think we should date others" that they are probably already well into another relationship?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2007):

Hey today my boy friend told me the same thing! and I feel really upset. I mean I feel that if he really does love you then he won't try to test the waters. Its really hard having to here something like that. Don't worry because no matter what happens, just remember that life does go on. Inspite of it all it really does. Remember to always look at the bright side.

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A female reader, baadgrlz117 +, writes (26 September 2006):

baadgrlz117 agony auntI just went thru a nasty breakup.. my ex also suggested this. I dont think that it is a good idea because you shouldnt be his second choice after hes tried others. He either wants to be with you or doesnt, and dating other people isnt going to help him decide this.

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A female reader, tiara +, writes (24 September 2006):

tiara is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I would like to thank everyone who responded to my question. I really appreciate the the time and thought put in everyone. You will all be happy to know that I called him out on it and he came back to me with regrets of every thinking about others. Without your responses I might have let it go on for along time.Thanks you all very much.

God bless

Tiara

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A female reader, harley_quinn +, writes (23 September 2006):

harley_quinn agony auntI am going thru the exact same thing. Well, my boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me in Jan. 'cause he said he wanted to "experience" other women sexually. So, the first thing that hit on him he went home with and afterwards he said he deeply regretted it and all he thought about was me afterwards. But then a month after that he went and had oral sex with some other slut - but did not have sex. He just wants me as his "friend" but how can you just be friends with someone after 4 years of being in a serious relationship? He told me once after we broke up that there might be someone out there better for him. It sucks but most guys always think the grass is better on the other side. If he wants to date other people then you should just break up with him and keep some distance 'cause then he might realize he made a stupid choice (if he really loves you) and come back.

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A female reader, Tiagre +, writes (23 September 2006):

The way you react should be based on how you honestly feel.

Assuming that he's telling the truth, and actually wants to find that out, do you have a problem with it (I know I would!)? Do you feel betrayed, or do you think that it's a good idea? Figure out how you feel before making any decisions.

Once you've decided whether you basically fit into category a (you're fine with it) or category b (you'd rather he didn't), you can begin to talk to him about it. Also, ask him if he just wants to finish it with you, because he might be subtly saying that, however, don't sound accusing. A healthy break up should be a mutual decision that you have discussed, not an impulse.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2006):

It sounds as if he wants to end it with you, and is sort of easing into a breakup, telling you he wants to date others to see if you are truly who he wants. He might still continue to see you for a time, while dating others, but it is likely that seeing you will taper off until you are not meeting, or hearing from him at all.

If he really was sure you were the woman for him, he wouldn't even think about dating others. You love him with all your heart, but it doesn't sound as if he reciprocates your feelings.

You have to think about whether you are willing to go along with his seeing other women, which of course means YOU are free to see other men; or if you want to continue like this and be upset and worried. OR, you can choose to make a clean break and end it yourself. Like ripping off a bandaid - sure it hurts, but you'll heal!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2006):

i understand that you love him from the bottom of your heart but what about him? he said he love you but he wants to try another woman just to make it sure if you is the one he wanted to be in his life' its hurt''., what about asking him'if you do the same what he wanna do' so he will feel how much it will affect your heart. if he really love you' he wont agree on that and so then he will think if its right or wrong what he is thinking about' good luck dear XXX..... gladyz

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A female reader, Jesse +, writes (22 September 2006):

React the way everyone should. DUMP HIM. He cant be that interested in you if he wants to see other people. I think really you know what to do, you deserve better than that and he doesnt deserve you.

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A female reader, Toria +, writes (22 September 2006):

Toria agony auntI'm agreeing too.

If he loved you he would know you are what he truely wants there would be no doubt in his mind and the thought of being with other people wouldn't even come to mind for him but it has.

You then agreeing to this will show him you are weak towards him and therefore opens him up to be able to use you and play with your feelings you have for him.

You need to decide whether you want to be with someone that doesn't love or respect you or get out move on and find someone that will, someone that will love you with all his heart.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2006):

Totally agree with whats already been said.If he truelly loved you he would make every effort he could to keep the relationship going.It sounds to me he wants his cake and eat it,keep the relationship with you going until or if somebody who in his eyes is better than you comes along.You might well love him with all your heart and i can understand that love is blind but in reality why should you just plod along in this relationship when it could lead to you having your heart broken because he finds somebody else.Where would that leave you ,upset depressed,and what position would he be in happy with his new partner starting a new relationship.I would consider ending the relationship and move on and find somebody more deserving of you if things dont change for your own sake and sanity.XXX

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2006):

I agree with Irish, your boyfriend can not possibly love you if he wants to see if there are any other girls out there who are better for him than you are.

Do you really want to be with a guy who doesn't want to be with you?

I'm sure if you admit it to yourself, there have been plenty of signs that he is not dedicated and in love with you. How you react to that is up to you, but I'd have to say that you are worth far more than to be put in this horrible situation.

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A female reader, burningbridges Canada +, writes (22 September 2006):

He doesn't love you enough. If he wants to date you plus other people, he's trying to keep his options open. Ergo you can either date other people yourself at the same time or break up outright. But please don't wait for him to come back to you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2006):

Sorry to say this..but if he truely loved you, he would only desire you and he couldn't even fathom suggesting such a thing. He sounds very immature and I would really, really question his true feelings for you. You have some big decisions to make about whether you want to continue in this relationship. Good luck, hun and take care.

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