A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend has make so uncomfortable lately, everytime he brings me out to eat he always wants a thank you right away. he treats me like a uneducated person who doesnt know how to thank people when things are done or given to them. i always say thank you to anything he does for me. but lately it has gone out of hand. he wants me to say thank you even if i tell him can you pass me the remote, can you take the cat out the room, or can you please get me a glass of water! its like crazy i know you have to be polite and all but hes going over board. LIke oh you can say thank you! jesus! i have spoken to him about it and he just says thats the way he is, he wants respect and politeness. but hes overdoing it. he was gonna take me out to eat last week and said to me pick whatever restaurant you want. so i did and he then said why he doesnt want anything from there. i then tell him then why dont we think together. he said fine then i dont know what to get. he spend 30 mins looking over a menu, because he didnt want to spend his money! i felt umcomfortable. i then told him lets dine out because i was tired, so got food to go, and we ordered and were waiting. he tells me oh you wanna go to a fast food then im like no we just ordered.! so we came home and we ate. i said thank you, the food is good. and he said you should be thanking me very much! next day he picks me up and tells me i didnt say thank you for the food, i was ungreatful he took me out! we argued and i had it there so many things that has been going on that i dont like about him and he pushed the button this time. its like hes controlling and crazy! he really put me down and i was crying.
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female
reader, babu3u +, writes (23 June 2012):
 Well then he is a controlling and selfish person. Why be with someone like that? Find someone else who would be thankful to you as you are with him and share his things like you do.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 June 2012):
 Have you talked to him about this disparity of treatment ?( he can touch your stuff but you can't touch his ). Again, if he wants from you a courtesy that he is not showing you first, then that's wrong and he needs to correct it. But he needs to be aware that it's happening ( all of us tend to be rather oblivious of our own faults , while instead noticing other people's ). Did you say anything yet ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni dont have a problem with please and thank you. but he on the other hand is controlling in that matter. not every second of the day you are gonna say please. i often use "can you" because not all the times you are gonna beg. if he buys me flowes ill say thank you, if he does me a favor ill say thank you.when he buys me coffee he gives it to me and say you are welcome! im like you cant even give me a chance to say thanks.! i never once forget to say thank you to him for things hes done. so why should he remind me like hes a kind! small little things that shouldnt matter he disrespect me. me and him have history, i let all his flaws slide. and when i say flaws i mean its huge. i never once say anything to him if he does something wrong or say the wrong things. but he on the other hand feels that hes in power to critizised me for anything. when he comes to my house and use my computer he doesnt say can i please use the computer. he uses the phrase wheres the computer i need it! i felt so mad because last week i went to his house and i saw his computer i never used it and we were bored so i grabbed it and it was locked. so i told him can you unlock i want to use it. he said no i dont want you using it. im like why? he says because i dont. im like well you use my computer all the time you even charge your phone on mines. how can you be selfish? so he unlocks the computer and tells me i cant go online. im like well i wasnt planning on to i wanted to play solitare thats all. he goes besides me and watch me saying oh im gonna have to be in guard watching you! im like no i never watch you do anything while you are in my computer. and he goes like well its my computer you do what i say! so i took the computer and turn it around and said no! because its not fair you take advantage of everything in my room and i cant to yours? he watch tv in my room i let him watch anything. and when im in his house i cant watch what i want! its like what kind of man is he!?
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (22 June 2012):
If he demands from you a courtesy that he's not showing to you first, then you are obviously right. You could ask him why he expects from you things that he is not going to reciprocate.
For the rest , I am afraid that I don't see it your way . Once it's an engrained habit, saying please and thank you is not a " bother ", it's normal, you don't have to think it over ,it just rolls off your tongue spontaneously. It is also not reserved to Barney's world, nor to strangers or VIPS- it's also for bf and gf, mother and child, etc.
Of course I do not have a fit if for once my son says " pass me the salt " rather than " PLEASE pass me the salt ". Everybody can be distracted or preoccupied,- I probably would not even notice , and if I'd notice I would not feel necessary commenting it. But that's because normally,instead, he does .
I guess that's why your bf acts weird in restaurants. You can very well wait for the end of the meal for thanking him ( in fact, it makes much more sense ) but he may have noticed that it does not come natural to you and feel that you would not thank him at all if he does not remind you.
Can't you just compromise ? mind you, I understand that 's not very pleasant having Professor Higgins always commenting about your manners and finding fault in them. Then again, if you just become a bit more liberal with your thank yous and pleases, and spread them around generously, instead than reserving them for special favours or special gifts... I guarantee you that in a very short time it will be automatic and effortless,and you won't even have to think " shall I say it or not ".
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt is a bother when he wants me to say please in the beginning of the sentence ending with a thank you. Theres nothing wrong with it but we aint in barnies world where you gotta thank a person for everything. I aint a stranger im his girl. I dont have to say thank you right at the instant. But he on the other hands brings me something right when I grab it he goes n say your welcome!!! Whats next thank you for having sex with me? He never says thank you to me he never says please do this. Never so why should I at all times. he told me hold his coffee I didnt hear a please nore a thank you. But then again he wants me to say pleasr please please I dont think so.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (22 June 2012):
What's wrong with thanking for a glass of water or for passing the remote ...?
It is automatic. You want something, you say please. They give you something, or do something for you, you say thanks. What's so strange about it ?
Maybe your bf is making himself obnoxious by always reminding you to thank- he should not lecture , and should not be so heavy handed,- then again, if he has to remind you... it must be because you don't do it to begin with.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy point is that he wants thank you for everything. I dont mind the glass of water I am a polite person to everyone at all times. But its over board when he wants a thank you right away. Like taking me out to dinner right when get inside the restaurant I have to say omg thanks for taking me out. he commands me too, why cant I say thanks later on after. He demands a please and thank you from the tyniest thing! Its tiring! he offends me saying didnt your mother teach you respect! I can see where you take after! We been together for 3 yrs he 20 and so am i
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2012): Do you do things for him or is he constantly doing thing for you with nothing but a 'thank you,' in return?
How often does he thank you if you do something for him?
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female
reader, babu3u +, writes (22 June 2012):
Im the type of person who believes and saying please and thank you. Even in the little things. I'm the way I want others to treat me so I say please and thank you, and hope the other does the same. If I pay for my boyfriend's dinner he should say thank you, is good and it makes me happy. Maybe you are not use to that. Now if he just tells you that you didn't appreciate him when you actually did that's completely lame. You're not use to his ways and maybe you'll get use to it and maybe you wont. You can talk to him about how this makes you feel but most likely he won't change because thats the way he is.
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male
reader, Ldu  +, writes (22 June 2012):
how is saying tanks for a glass of water too much ? .
The rest i agree with you .
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 June 2012):
 we say please and thank you a lot in our house but we NEVER demand it from each other...
is he older? if so he's being controlling and manipulative and I'd tread carefully...
if he's DEMANDING behavior from you, I'd be careful... that's a precursor to further abuse..
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 June 2012):
 As much as I like and appreciate manner, he is being ridiculous. Seems to me that he is wanting to have all the power, the be the parent in the relationship, the one who sets the rules.
So my question is, is there an age difference between you? Does he make a lot more money then you?
Is this behavior new? And how long have you two dated.
Personally, I would bring it up and see what he says. If be is being obnoxious about it, I might be considering ending it. This is no way to live together.
Simple manners are good to have and use. Saying thank you and please should go BOTH ways, as I'm sure you do things for him as well..
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female
reader, 057  +, writes (22 June 2012):
Yup. Hes being controlling. Having a little power trip & patronizing you. Explain to him youve noticed it, dont appriciate it & hes taking it too far. Then dont tolerate it. Just leave the room, leave the restaurant, leave him alone for a while if he continues to do it.
I had a boyfriend do this to me too, like I had to say thankyou 500 times if his parents took us to dinner. & I felt like I never got the chance cuz hed always make me look stupid & say "Well, arent you going to say THANKYOU?!"
Im like "Yeah dude, but we havent even finished the main course yet."
Im educated to say thanks at the end of the night, his parents educated him to say thankyou constantly. And this is probably because they too, are very controlling, patronizing people. So thats where he gets it from.
Its about respect. If you have respect he'll talk to you & listen to you & you can both make a compromise somewhere inbetween.
My bfs backed off a bit now after we talked about it, but occasionally he slips up & gives me a hard time. Listen buddy, Im not gunna kiss your shoes clean cuz you bought me fried rice ok? I appriciate it but Im a human being.
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