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Venetia
writes: My boyfriend of three and a half years decided that he needed to "take a break from the relationship". We still talk on a daily basis. He as even came to my house for us to see each other. He's been at my house three times this past week. When we talk on the phone, he still tells me that he loves me and I'll call you later, which he does. But, this break is killing me. I can't really eat anything and I can't sleep. I don't want to date anybody else, and I don't think he's seeing anybody else. I have asked the question about that and he has told me no, that there is no one else. He just needs time.With him saying that he needs a "break", is this a slow ending to the relationship??
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2007): Why even bother with "finding someone else"? Have you tried being alone while enjoying friends and family instead of romance? Being alone is way underated and being with someone is way overated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2007): i am currently in the same situation as you are in. My boyfriend of two years had just asked for a "break." he said break up first and when we talked later he didnt know what it is except he needs time to be happy with himself with job, and his life. So i'm trying to understand the best that i can right now which is so painful because it truely sucks and it feels like your heart is ripped out but the texts, calls are somewhat of a cushion where it shows that he still cares and it is also on the otherhand painful too because you know you are not longer. So my advice is to give him what he needs, it may be for the better where if he comes back your relationship will be that much stronger, but if he dont, it will suck but you will find someone else better who can be what you need. But the key thing here is that not to overthink about the what ifs, if he comes back or if he doesnt, but take time to focus about being happy with yourself again learn how to be happy and focus on the things without relying on having someone there right now. You will grow as a person. It seems that he still care but you need to take it slow one day at a time, one hour at a time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2007): thats not true for everyone.. my boyfrend of2 years said to me the other day he needed space... i gave him it 4 days laer he came bak with flowers and told me he loved me more than ever because i understood him... he was having problems wioth work and got the sack from his job and told me he wanted to be alone for a while... if i had contacted him he would have tooken longer to return to me...sometimes people do want space.. i need it.. you need it.. we all need it... if you know your mans behaviour and patterns you will be able to tell if he wants out... i mean youve been with him long enough havent you? or were your eyes closed?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2007): Im having the same type of problem, i have been seeing someone and thought we were doing fine in fact great,he has had a few rough periods the last couple of months and we have discussed them a little.His wife died 18months ago i said i was fine with his sometimes depreesed states and that i would never want to try and make him get over his wife because i know that will be inpossible.Anyway he phoned me yesterday from work and said he would txt me when finished so we could do something, when no txts arrived i phoned him and got the answer of i need time to sort things that are going on in my head.I understand hes going through loads and think that he does only need time but im scared that id lose him at the same time.Its hard but im sure you will find a way and be fine in the end.
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reader, Venetia +, writes (10 March 2006):
Venetia is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay, here is an update and I need some more advice. After breaking up with my b/f of three and a half years two weeks ago, I couldn't stand it any longer. A friend of "ours" had told me a couple of days ago that he would be calling. I couldn't stand the waiting, so, I called him. He was a work and he really couldn't talk. I should have known that. :) Anyway, he said that he would be willing to sit down and talk with me next Tuesday night. There are alot of things that I would like to say to him, like why I ended it, how he made me feel, you know, stuff like that. I also would like to know from him how he feels about getting back together. I asked him that on the phone today, and he told me "I don't know". I don't know if he's playing hard ball or what??? I do know this for a fact, if it was TRUELY over for him, he would not have taken my phone call, or called me back OR agreed to meet with me next week to sit down and talk about things.Any ideas of how I should handle this "meeting" next week?Thanks! :)Venetia
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reader, mountainmama +, writes (28 February 2006):
The ups and downs are expected, but you deserve better than someone who is not going to be there for you unless it is good for him. You are worth far more than he can offer. Good luck with the new job! :)
MM
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reader, Venetia +, writes (25 February 2006):
Venetia is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, here is yet another update to my situation. And, I thank ALL of you that have responded with some GREAT advice.When he left that fateful Saturday afternoon, I had not heard anything from him all week. So, I called him on Thursday morning. I called his cell phone, of course, it went to voicemail. I called back an hour later, and the same thing, it went to voicemail. So, I called him at his Mothers' and she said he was there. He came onto the phone, and I asked him why hadn't he called me since Saturday. Remember, this is Thursday morning. He told me over the phone that, "He didn't really have anything to say." That cut pretty deep. I have had a lot of time on my hands to sit back and think about our relationship and things started coming back to me that I had forgotten about. The way that he has "treated" me in the past. Like, we were at the river on day, and he looked at my watch to see what time it was. He told me to "come on, let's go". I asked go where? He said the he wanted to go and play volleyball, one of his die hard sports, along with hunting and fishing. I told him that I was content on where I was at. We had been sitting there talking about future plans, when he interrupted the conversation to tell me he wanted to go play ball. He then proceeded to tell me that if I didn't get in that truck in five minutes, the truck was leaving with our without me, snapping his fingers at me like I was a child. Of course then, I didn't have a choice. I had to go.That is one example. Here's another.A little over two years ago, I got a phone call from I guy that I used to work with at my old job. He made me an offer for a new job that I couldn't pass up. I was working at the time at a local hospital and hated every minute of it. When I discussed this with my boyfriend, about the new job, he asked me if the job traveled. At that particular time, I didn't know if it did or not. When I went to the interview, I found out that it didn't. My previous job did travel quite a bit. Well, when I found out that this new job didn't travel, I accepted the position. It was better pay, better benefits, and something that I LOVE doing. When I called my boyfriend, I told him that I got the job. I was crying SO hard on the phone, I couldn't hardly catch my breath. I was SO happy about getting this job. The FIRST words out of his mouth were, "I thought you and I were going to discuss this BEFORE you took the job." Well, I thought we had. I thought I had the "green light" to take the job because it didn't travel. Since then, I have been on the job for a little over two years now, and I LOVE it!!! I work with the most amazing people. My boyfriend, however, has NEVER supported me in this job. He has never asked, "How was your day? What's been going on at work?" Nothing along the lines of what I do eight hours a day.So, in reflecting back on these situations, and believe me, there are A LOT more of them, I decided to end things with him. Like I said, I've had a lot of time on my hands to sit back and think about things.So, in the Thursday mornings phone call to him, I told him. It was over, I was through, I am done. I told him that he needed to come to my house and get his things. I told him on the phone that I had packed them up the night before, I hadn't really, I just told him that. SO, I had to rush home and pack everthing up and put it in my utility room, where I had told him his things were.During the phone conversation, he said NOTHING. Absolutely, not ONE word. I knew then that he wanted out as well.On my way back to work, after coming home and packing up his things, I passed him on the road coming to my house. He was coming to get his things. About an hour and a half later, he called me on my cell phone. Even though it broke my heart to do it, I did not take his call. I haven't heard a word from him since, and really don't expect to. I want to take the time and let everyone know that read my question and to those of you who responded, thank you very much for taking the time and advice. I really do appreciate it.Now, I'm moving on with my life. Things are okay for the moment. I have my ups and downs. It's like one minute, I'm mad as hell, and the next minute, I'm crying, the next minute, I'm sad and miss the heck out of him, and the next minute, I'm mad as hell again.I guess these are the emotions that you go through when you end a relationship. Time will heal, though.I just wanted to give you an update on things, and tell you all, Thank You Very Much. I appreciate the thoughts, prayers, and advice. Venetia
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reader, mountainmama +, writes (22 February 2006):
Hi Venetia. If you are not good enough to spend the night with, and he wants space (and sex) he has turned you into a booty call. He indeed WAS going to use you for sex (been there, done that, not going back.) You did not fall for his BS and asked a legitimate question about where you really stand; now don't waste a second of your life thinking that you are to blame here. And don't waste any more time thinking about him. Most women are far more literal: if they say "I need my space" it means "Dude, you are smothering me, can I have room to breathe?" Most men who ask for "space" or "a break" saw a new piece of tail they want to pursue but they are not quite ready to give you the boot (can't give up the booty) so they use "space" or "break". Sounds like the new tail was not giving it up yet, so he came over but he had plans with new tail and could not stay the night. So, he was going to use you but you played cool and did not (quite) give in. Good on ya!Remember, with most men, "space" always has a female name. I have asked plenty of men over the years and and not one denied it. So if he wants "space" give him plenty and get steppin'!
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reader, Venetia +, writes (22 February 2006):
Venetia is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all of those who answered. I really appreciate the advice and I am taking it.
Okay, here's an update as to what happened this past weekend.
He called me Saturday morning to let me know that he was on his way over. He got to my house about 9:15. We played dominos, cards and games on the computer. I asked him, where he was on making a decision about our relationship. He said that he was about 90% there, about wanting to come back. Then, sex was brought up. He made a move. We kissed around for a while and then he went to take a shower, and I went to take a bath, you know, to do the girl thing, shave your legs, makeup, hair, lotion, perfume, stuff like that. Well, when we got close to intercourse, I asked him if he were going to stay the night with me and he shook his head no. I said to him then, well, no about sex. If I was worth having sex with, I was worth spending the night with. I asked him why was he not willing to spend the night, and his answer to that question was, "He didn't feel comfortable staying here. It would be a while before he spent the night at my house." I really don't understand that comment because the past three and a half years of our relationship, he HAS stayed the night at my house.
Well, things went from bad to worse at that point. He told me that I was the one who ruined things because I had to ask "that" question. I told him I was not going to accept one percent of that blame. I had a right to ask a question, and I am glad that I did. The only regret that I have is your answer to the question.
He then at that point, put on his shoes, walked to the door and stood there. I walked over to him, kissed him goodbye, he said "I Love You", and I said it back to him, and he walked out the door.
That happened Saturday afternoon about 4:15, when he left, and I haven't heard a word from him since.
Any advice on this situation?? I don't really think that he was going to "use" me for sex. Like I've said, we've been together for three and a half years. I just really didn't like the situation and the way that it was handled on his part. The not staying the night with me part.
Any takers?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2006): A few bits of advice. First, Tylenol PM. Don't use it every night, but if you're having a really hard time sleeping, a few nights a week for a week or two will not hurt you and will not form a habit. Things will seem worse when you are exhausted; take the pills earlier at night so that, if you wake up with the sunlight, you'll still have had a decent rest.Second, go buy some of those weight loss meal replacement shakes. It's not good for you to not eat; your body needs calories and vitamins, etc. I'm the same - I always completely lose my appetite when I'm stressed, worried, etc. It's horrible. You have to care about yourself enough, though, to get these shakes and drink them. They're small; even with no appetite, you can suffer through a few of these a day. Ensure is another good option.Everyone who says to give him space is right. It's horrible and it feels like your heart is literally being ripped out of you - like the world is collapsing around you and you never thought of him as being like air but feeling his absence somehow makes it hard even to breathe. There's nothing you can do about that, except cry. And you should. Sit in the shower with the water on hot - it'll keep you from getting congested if you sob too much. Eventually, you'll find that you're all cried out, at least for a few hours.Go to the gym. It sounds cliche, but it really does help. It won't make you happy and it won't fill the emptiness, but it will make the hole just a little bit easier to bear. As a bonus, it'll also help you be able to sleep a little more, and it might bring back your appetite. Don't worry if it doesn't - just keep drinking the meal replacement shakes. You need at least 1500 calories a day; count to be sure you're getting enough.Good luck sweetie. Time will sort things out. Until then, just do your best to breathe, and seriously - don't be afraid to admit that you're devastated or to cry in front of your friends. Oddly enough, you'll find that you feel a bit more okay when you stop wasting energy on trying to pretend you're okay when you know very clearly you aren't. Don't be afraid to be human.
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reader, Andy J +, writes (21 February 2006):
 I wouldnt say its a end to your relationship, i felt like that with my now x, because we were having a bad time? So ask your self how have the last 2 months been. To me it just sounds like he needs abit of space to himself.Maybe he feels crowded, the best thing you can do, which im currently learning (im only 18) is to give him the space he wants and try your hardest not to contact him, its very difficult but if you keep pressuring him for answer's he will walk away. He just wants to have some space for him, thats all, dont worry about it and wait for him to contact you. If he keeps contacting you that means: 1) he misses you. 2)he cares/loves you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2006): It might not be a slow end to the relationship. If he still comes around, if you are still in contact then that means that he has not ditched you completely, but is actually making some effort at seeing you. I think that maybe he just needs a break, maybe its something he has to figure out for himself, maybe it has nothing to do with you. I think you should give him space, perhaps see him less, just to see how he would react. Even though you dont need a break, he obviously does. The best thing you can do is get on with your life, try to occuply yourself with other things, dont over analyse the situation. Let things work out for themselves, you owe it to your health.
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