A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:My current boyfriend of almost a year really wants me to give him a blowjob. He's asked a number of times and at first I thought nothing of it and said I would at some point, but more recently he's become more naggy on the topic. This has made me think about it more and I've realised that I am completely reluctant to do it.We have had sex and he is the second person I've slept with.When I was 16 I had my first boyfriend and lost my virginity to him. Him and my current boyfriend are friends. I was not comfortable at all at that age giving a blowjob and so consequently never gave my first boyfriend one either(I tried it for a few seconds once and almost threw up, and knew I wasn't ready at that point). He was not happy about that fact and told our whole friendship group. I'm not easily embarrassed and it didn't bother me much, our friends thought it was quite funny though. So now at this point, everyone (including my current boyfriend, at the time just a friend though)knew I wasn't a girl who gave blowjobs.This is where it gets a bit traumatic, so if you're easily triggered by sexually abusive(ish) stories, please don't read on.On New Year's of that year(still with my first bf), my boyfriend of the time got very drunk. I didn't mind, I didn't like underage drinking for myself but didn't care if my friends did it. We decided to stay at his so we could celebrate the new year together at midnight. As we were going to bed, he started trying it on with me. I wasn't really in the mood but kissed him back anyway. He then proceeded to try and force me to go down on him, pulling my clothes off and touching me up etc. I wouldn't do it and so he made me get him off between my boobs, another thing I didn't want to do but would rather do than suck him off. We would have just had sex but it was my time of the month, and thinking back I'm glad it was as I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have wanted to anyway and it stills scares me to think that he would've probably raped me in his state. After he finished, he rolled over and passed out pretty much instantly. Unsurprisingly, I cried for hours realising the person I loved most had just tried to force me to do something I wasn't comfortable with and succeeded in forcing me to do something else I wasn't comfortable with. That night was one of the first times I had a proper panic attack, but I have rarely had any since.We never spoke about what happened that night again during our relationship.A few months later we had a very messy break up, with him leaving me for another girl. During one of our post break up arguments I brought up what he did to me that night. He only had a slight recollection of what happened and had no memory of me not wanting to do it or crying/panicking afterwards. I realise now just how drunk he must have been, but I still can't forgive him.Now fast forward to current me, almost 19, back being friends with my ex and with a great guy who is also friends with my ex.When he asked me to give him a blowjob a few months ago, I didn't even realise I was still traumatised by my passed experience. So I said I would, because I thought I would be able to. I couldn't and tried to make excuses and settled on that I just don't want to.Honestly, I really don't want to due to the fact that I've always thought it was disgusting. However, of the few times I've really thought about doing it whilst in bed with him, I start to sweat and my heart beats fast and I feel like I'm about to cry and I know that I can't do it.Now it's got to the point where every time I see him he tells me he wants me to do it, even trying to come up with solutions like we can do it in the shower, or he'll wear a condom. He says that it's "normal" in a relationship to do it and that he feels like I should because he's gone down on me before (although I've told him a number of times he doesn't have to if he doesn't want to). I know he's told his friends and they make fun of him for never having had a blowjob(I'm his first gf and his first time).Now every time I think about him wanting it, I burst into tears. I'm overwhelmed with guilt in not being able to give him something he wants so much. I'm also angry because I feel like when I say "I just don't want to" he should respect my boundaries and stop trying to find a "valid" reason. I can't tell him about what happened with my ex, even if I wanted to I can't get the words out. Only my best friend knows and she brushed it off saying that my ex was drunk. I feel so guilty and responsible for everything thats happened. I've no idea what to do with my boyfriend. On one hand I feel like I should stand my ground and if he doesn't like it he can leave and find someone else.But I also love him so much and want to give him everything and I am terrified that he'll leave me for this, even though he's not said or indicated that he would, it scares me so much.I also sometimes think that if I wasn't with someone who is friends with my ex I could tell them about the past experiences and not end up ruining their friendships or risk having them call me a liar and defend their friend.I know that if I was to just go for it, I'd panic and probably be sick. Which makes me feel even worse.I don't know what to do anymore, the worry about this whole situation gets to me everyday. I'd really like some advice or even just a word of good luck would be helpful.
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best friend, blow-job, boobs, condom, drunk, in the mood, liar, lost my virginity, my ex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, GhostChild  +, writes (12 May 2014):
 You're in a bad situation and I'm sorry to hear about your past experience.
But he cannot force you to do it, and he can't guilt you into it either. Some girls do it and some don't. He also shouldn't be sharing this with your friend group; what goes on in the bedroom is no one's business but yours and his.
Really, as hard as it may be, tell your boyfriend what you've just said here. The idea of giving a blowjob brings about a traumatic experience and causes panic attacks. If he doesn't understand why you don't do it, then he's likely to keep requesting it.
Just say no.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2014): Oh honey, that's awful! I am with the people who encourage you to tell the guy SOME things so that he gets the gist of it but doesn't need the details. Saying something like, "Matt, I have a real hard time with the idea of doing a blow job. I don't want to get into details, but I had a very traumatic experience where I was almost forced into it. It was bad enough o trigger a panic attack and the guy didn't think it was any big deal. Neither did the friend I confided in. I really feel scared and anxious and sick when you keep pressuring me and I want you to stop. I might never do a blow job again." If he tries to point out that he went down on you or to change your mind, interrupt him and tell him flat-out that he's being disrespectful. No means No.
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A
male
reader, matthew-matt  +, writes (10 May 2014):
Just tell him you are not doing it and that's final, if he leaves you because of that then he isn't worth it
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (9 May 2014):
I'd just straight up tell him that you will not give him a be, now and possibly forever.
Personally I feel like you need to learn how to deal with what happened. Maybe you need some therapy, because it's causing problems still.
You should know that not giving blowjobs could affect your relationships and the sexual satisfaction of your partners. So that's why it's important to be honest and just put your foot down until you're willing to do it. Don't give them false hope.
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A
male
reader, crushed_by_love +, writes (9 May 2014):
Cerberus has made some good points.However my question to you is this: why do you even want to be in a relationship with a guy who discusses what you do sexually with his mates? It shows that he doesn't respect you and because of that he'll never change his attitude towards what he expects of you as a girlfriend.
Find a guy who appreciates you for who you are and not what sexual acts you'll provide for him, you may just find that your own attitudes will change in time and you're more willing to try these things when the pressure is off
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2014): OP with all due respect just spit it out.
He doesn't need to know what happened with your ex in detail, but he does need to know how you feel about this, what effect even the thought of giving him one has on you and that it's based on a past trauma you really don't feel comfortable talking about.
It's simple, OP. If you can't tell him then he's not going to understand and you will probably lose him.
You have no reason to feel guilty, nor responsible for anything that happened, but you are responsible for getting what you want here. You want him, so you have you to fight for him, and this is one of those cases, OP where the thing you're fighting is your own fears.
The happiest outcome here for you is he lets go of the blow job idea and that's that, right? So come on, you know the only chance of that happening is to be honest with him, but not completely forthcoming, he doesn't need to know who, or what happened. Just that something did and it's made it so that the very idea of giving head makes you panic and cry.
He may still leave of course but you know what? Even if he does you found strength within you to try, and to open up and for that you can feel proud.
He doesn't have a right to blow jobs, they're your choice and he's only really putting pressure on you because you agreed to it and you won't give him a reason why not.
He's not being nasty about it is he?
So it's time to find the strength to be honest with your boyfriend, OP. It's literally all you can do.
I mean sure you can stand up to him and tell him no and that;s final. But you'll still have this guilt, you'll still feel somehow abnormal or ashamed that you can't when you have no reason to.
Remember you never have to feel guilt about not doing something you can't physically bring yourself to do because you simply never have to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable and any man who can't accept that is not the right man for you.
The most important thing here, OP, is you, and your happiness. The happiest outcome here is that he understands and accepts it, the best chance of that happening is if he knows why.
OP one thing you'll learn about men as you mature is that we can handle pretty much anything you throw at us, as long as you tell us why, as long as you talk to us and tell us how you really feel.
Fuck your fear, OP, crush it and just talk to him. The thing you shoudl fear the most is letting fear get the better of you. Live a life where you can look back and not wonder what might have happened if you weren't too afraid to fight for what you want.
Oh and it's time to seek counselling if you haven;t already, OP. A sexual trauma is a sexual trauma and it's obviously a part of your psyche you haven't fully come to terms with. I mean the only person you told brushed it off as nothing, but how it's made your life and your mind is not nothing.
Go find a safe person to talk to in detail about this, one who can properly guide you in coping with it.
Just because it wasn't a full blown movie-like rape and you're still friends with the guy doesn't mean it hasn't had a nasty effect on you.
It's time to go get it all out with a professional, OP, you shouldn't have to deal with this alone. And look at what effect it's having on your relationships. Living in fear, with so much guilt and shame is not a way to live. So go, do what you need to and come to terms with what happened, OP.
If you have to do that before you talk to your boyfriend then so be it. But I think you know you need to do both at some stage.
Best of luck, OP, remember nothing about any of this is worth feeling this bad about it. It's just a blow job and you can't do them, no big deal. If he can't handle that you'll find a guy who can and that guy you'll feel much more comfortable telling him why because you did it before.
Time to fight for you, OP, and take care of you.
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A
male
reader, wise-guy +, writes (9 May 2014):
You don't have to do anything that you don't want to do
Your boyfriend really needs to grow up and understand this
Blow jobs are not 'normal' in a relationship - they are something extra that couples do IF they want to.
If he can't accept this fact he really needs to go
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