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My boyfriend treats me like crap but I can't leave him!

Tagged as: Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (1 August 2008) 11 Answers - (Newest, 7 April 2011)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hey guys..I have a serious problem and need some good advice. A little background: I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years, we started dating when I was a Senior in Highschool and my mother was soon diagnosed with cancer which ultimately took her life 2 years later. All the while we were together, and it seems like he always didn't care too much for me. We would try to meet up and he'd "sleep" for 2 hours whlie I was waiting in a parking lot for him, or I found him using an AOL account talking to random women and ex gf's but when I brought up my Ex it was WWI. We continued to date and I soon realized he would often make me feel down about myself and yell for no reason. Now 6 years later we live together but I find he still has the same bad habits. I have caught him twice talking sexually to women on the internet whom he had previous sexual encounter with, and he has signed up for over 20 porn sites in the last year. Meanwhile, I am told by him, to shut up about everything, how annoying I am, etc when I try to tell him how I'm hurt about what he was doing behind my back. I am not a prude girl either, I love to be sexual and have a collection of lingerie etc that I try to entice him with, but unlike with the women online, he doesnt put any effort into me or our relationship. When I send an e-mail to say Hi, I get nothing, when I try to start a convo he answeres in one word. When I bring up the fact that he does these things he tells me to shut the F up and yells at me as if I was cheating or doing something terrible, when all i'm trying to do is make us better. I'm sad all the time, when he gets home he never smiles or looks very happy to see me, and I dont know what to do. We have had fights where he smacks or hits me and then a day later cries about how he shouldnt do it, but then a week later or a month later hes yelling and pulling my hair again. I don't know how to get out of this, I really love him and want it to work, but I dont know if it can. He obviously does not want to live in reality and see that hes making no steps to make me feel like a special girl in his heart and I wish I could get him to. What do I do??? Help me please.. =(

View related questions: ex girlfriend, my ex, porn, the internet

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A female reader, krissyg United States +, writes (7 April 2011):

my boyfriend does the same horrible things to me. Im not to sure what to do or how to feel. the hardest part is trying to explain to him how i feel and what is said to me in return. i have a daughter wich is not his but hes been there since she was three yrs old & shes starting to be affected by all this. i do not know wut to do. ive lost all ties to my family to be treated in way that is not loving but you beleive wut they are telling you cuz you want a family. i need help on knowing how to get outa this relationship even tho im still in love w him.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2009):

I've been through a relationship a lot like yours, except I was trying as hard as I could to get out of it! It took years and it was really hard. If or when you get to the other side without being so upset, you will feel differently about him, and you won't know why it took you so long to get the guy out of your system. One of the most important things I learned is that it wasn't love that hurt me or broke my heart, because real love has no pain. It was my own insecurities or obsessions, or something else causing the problem.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2009):

Honestly...as mean as this may sound...you are dumb. any woman who puts up with this has no self respect. he clearly doesnt give a crap about you. you are not smart for staying. he will NEVER change.

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A female reader, ThatgirlBlu United States +, writes (27 November 2008):

Hi. I wanted to write in and let you know I am going through something similar. I am 21 years old and have been with my boyfriend for over 5 years. In the beginning, it was magic. He was a sweet boy, he wrote me poems and sent me flowers and we cuddled often, he wasnt afraid to cry, or show his feelings around his "guy friends". But for the last year and half ish, he has been awful to me. He doesnt even hug me any more, he doesnt want to have sex (and I am involved in pro modeling, I am not a bad looking girl not that looks matter but i also try to wear lingerie and spice up our bedroom time any way I can, etc.) he refuses to pay rent or bills though we live together, he tries to tell me what i can buy with my own money at the grocery store or complains when i cook meals he doesnt like even tho i pay ALL THE BILLS ALONE and even give him lunch money for work and gas money too, he uses my car every day leaving me home alone (I work from home but still, its depressing being trapped like that) because he works 2 jobs and is never back with my car. He lets his mother treat me like dirt and instead of sticking up for me agrees with her. All my friends tell me to leave him.

I know a boy right now I have known since about 5th grade who has always adored me but I never dated him you know what? He still does. And Ive known him my whole life to be respectful and caring a REAL man. But I cant leave my boyfriend for him......I dont know why,

But I think its co-dependency. And its very very serious. I am trying to find ways to help myself, and so you need to too!!! Get an army of friends together for a support system and just try to leave him for good, and seek therapy.

Please do this.....or somethig to help yourself. I havent yet so I hope I dont sound like a hypocryt but I know how painful this is.

God bless you and I hope you figure it out

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A female reader, deb2009 Canada +, writes (9 November 2008):

My sense is that you are trying to cope with the loss of your mom and this guy who totally abuses you. I know this might be painful for you but what would she have said to you about you being with a guy who treats you so badly? I have been in this situation with a guy and was also in it for 6 years. I got a Counsellor's help because the emotional turmoil is too much for one person to cope with it alone and it was good to have an outsider's point of view. This guy does not deserve to have you. He is totally disrespectful towards your feelings and what troubles me the most about your situation is that he has shown no regard for the fact that your mom passed away. He is treating you and all those other women like a toy. He deserves to be alone until he grows up. You will find someone better and you really can't afford to waste anymore time and energy on this situation. I encourage you to get the help from a Counsellor or a Social Worker at a women's health centre so that you can make the progress in your life that you deserve to have. From my experience, I found that the longer I waited and hoped that things would change, the more I lost opportunities to improve my career and meet a guy who treated me fairly and with respect. There's nothing to lose except a guy who is abusive and disrespectful to you and these guys only get worse over time so I'm really afraid that his violence towards you will escalate into a more dangerous situation.

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A female reader, deb2009 Canada +, writes (9 November 2008):

My sense is that you are trying to cope with the loss of your mom and this guy who totally abuses you. I know this might be painful for you but what would she have said to you about you being with a guy who treats you so badly? I have been in this situation with a guy and was also in it for 6 years. I got a Counsellor's help because the emotional turmoil is too much for one person to cope with it alone and it was good to have an outsider's point of view. This guy does not deserve to have you. He is totally disrespectful towards your feelings and what troubles me the most about your situation is that he has shown no regard for the fact that your mom passed away. He is treating you and all those other women like a toy. He deserves to be alone until he grows up. You will find someone better and you really can't afford to waste anymore time and energy on this situation. I encourage you to get the help from a Counsellor or a Social Worker at a women's health centre so that you can make the progress in your life that you deserve to have. From my experience, I found that the longer I waited and hoped that things would change, the more I lost opportunities to improve my career and meet a guy who treated me fairly and with respect. There's nothing to lose except a guy who is abusive and disrespectful to you and these guys only get worse over time so I'm really afraid that his violence towards you will escalate into a more dangerous situation.

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A female reader, natalieandyeahlonley United Kingdom +, writes (8 September 2008):

i can relate to what your saying, i have being going out with my boyfriendfor almost three yars now, and i think he hates me as when he comes home he also doesnt smile or even say hi, he doesnt even interact with me and when i ask him for help with something he will just look at me all dissapointed and say cant you do it yourself, i am only with my boyfriend because of our son but my advice to you is get out while you can as im suffering from really bad depression due to my boyfriend treating me like crap basically, but i wish you happiness in whatever you choose to do x

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2008):

i have been in your situation nut the first thing is you have to be strong . he sees that he can just step all over you and you dont do nothing about it so he is going to keep on doing it. He is no man for you. Get brave an dget out of his life you dont need him. The difference in my situation is that he went to jail and he got out and tried getting back with me saying he was rally sorry but he was'nt. Thnak god Im not with him nomore. I am happy now. I realized i didnt need him!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2008):

He's either using you for your half of the rent/bills or he's gay. It's easier to be nice to women online, he can pretend they are men. I know this sounds like the typical rant a scorned woman has, but its not, I'm in a wonderful relationship, its on of my best friends who was the gay guy who treated his gf's like crap. He finally came out and is wonderfully happy now.

You need to be strong, realize you dont need him, or anyone to validate you and find happiness on your own before you can find happiness with any man.. or woman lol.

I hope you have the common sense to get out before it escalates into something physical. Good luck.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2008):

Oh huni...I've been there..and the first sign of a bad relationship is when he doesn't make you happy...he seems like a real eejit if you ask me!!!!! Sorry for calling him that...I know you love him, but seriously you need to get him out of your life!!!!

1)He has no interest in you

2)He doesn't respect you

3)He's busy with other women instead of investing his energy into you

4)He curses at you..ie is far from a gentleman

5)He makes you feel unhappy and down...eh hello?!?! Wise up....YOU DON'T NEED HIM!!

I know how hard it is to get out of something so comfortable and almost addicting...I was in a similar relationship with a similar type of guy for 7 years...and it wasn't until recently that I've broken free and now he's begging me to come back and that he's sorry and that he'll change...men like that will never change trust me...he's tried that one on me millions of times!!!!!!!!!! and he shouldn't have treated me like that in the first place..he should have treated me like a lady and with respect! And I know how much you long for his proper love and attention and just for you to be his world...but you'll never get that from him...If he loved you he would have should you that from the beginning and never stopped!

But I won't get caught in his web ever again...you just need the confidence to say no to him and to walk away eventhough at the time your heart will break tremendously...but it's all part of the process!

I hope you find the courage to do this..you will gain so much more strength in the end...eventhough it's hard to see that now but keep your head high and remember that he is no good for you and you DEFINITELY deserve so much better xxxx

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2008):

He dosen't love you, stop being so weak and leave

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