A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, hoping someone can offer some advice..I'm a 31 year old woman and I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years. He's the same age. He's been living with me for six months, around the same time he lost his job. It wasn't something we had discussed, he just brought more and more of his things here every week. I wasn't taking that much notice of him bringing his things here as my grandfather was terminally ill in hospital at the time and most of my days were spent with him as we were very close. When he passed away, it felt as though my heart had been ripped out. My boyfriend was there to comfort me, for the first week anyway. I took some time off work to grieve for my grandfather, whilst caring for my grandmother also. My grandparents had moved into a lovely bungalow two years prior to this as they were both in their late eighties and they kindly left their house to me. It's very old fashioned but it's my home and every day I'm reminded of the fantastic childhood I had while they cared for me. My grandparents were my absolute world, and now that my grandfather has passed, I like to spend as much time with my grandmother as possible. I'm back at work now after a tough few months but I'm getting there. The months after my grandfather passed, my boyfriend and I argued constantly. He would get angry with me for being upset. Every time I thought of my grandfather and started crying, I would have to do this in private. The day of the funeral, I came home after a few drinks at the service and he was angry that I'd been drinking. I got changed into my pyjamas and he ripped my pyjama top off me. He then got a bottle of water and tipped it over my head to 'sober me up.' I'd never felt so low in all my life. Low enough that I actually wanted to end it all and be with my grandfather. The following day apologies were made. I was still in shock at what he had done so I said nothing. A few weeks after this, a van pulled up outside my house with 4 big pieces of gym equipment inside. He went out and helped the driver move these items into my house. He hadn't asked me if it was okay, he just had them delivered. He then asked if I could pay £50 to the driver for the delivery as he had no money. Just this week, I came home from work to find that he'd ripped 2 small lights off my bathroom wall and left live electric wires hanging out. When I asked him why, he said he didn't like them and they're old fashioned. He's also had some stuff given to him from his parents, coffee table, units, a tumble dryer. I have all of these items of my own but he's put everything in the spare room and said they're staying. He lives here free of charge. I pay all the bills, buy all the food shopping and i have to give him £50 a week to buy cannabis. I've asked him to leave more than once but he always says we can work it out. I'm not really sure how because we sleep in separate rooms, have no physical contact at all and hes admitted he doesn't love me. I used to love him so much when we first got together but his insults about my appearance (I suffer with alopecia and he's called me a bald slag more than once) have pushed me to the point where any love I did have for him has disappeared but he just wont leave. I know we must break up but with all the things that he's brought here, I'm worried he'll take his time and keep coming back for things when I just want a clean break. I'm really at my wits end, sometimes to the point where I think maybe I deserve to be treated this way, maybe I'm a bad person and this is my comeuppance.I don't know where to go from here.
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at work, grandmother, lost his job, money, moved in Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (18 January 2020):
 Please have this man evicted immediately.
He has already shown violent outbursts towards you and is leeching off you. What are you getting out of this? How long before he starts hitting you?
No one deserves to be treated this way. You can do better, get out of that mindset that you’re in.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2020): Kick his sorry butt out now.Next time he will be hitting you I promise.No you do not deserve this as he is a abuser.Contact a woman's shelter for help.You really need this help big time as you do not see this as his fault and he is abusing you.Do not let him have anymore money.You might have to lawyer up to get him out but a woman's shelter can help you with that and also a safe place to stay until he is gone.Do not break up with him until you see them for saftey.Keep going to the shelter a secret...people might tell him this putting you in danger.Guys like this flip out when you break up with them...Do not underestimate an abuser...THAT is why you must get he!p from the shelter first....otherwise you will be in danger.Get help today do not put this off he already has shown you who he is believe it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (17 January 2020):
 I'm so sorry for your loss.
And NO you DO not deserve this guy treating you this way. I think you need to KICK him out.
When you DO break up give him a WEEK to move his stuff to storage to a friends or WHEREVER. After a week, HE can pick it up from the CURB.
I would also suggest you contact legal advice - maybe Citizen's Advice? And figure out LEGALLY how the best way is to KICK him out.
As for the lights he destroyed, I'd suck that up JUST to get him out. And once he is out, have an electrician come in and fix it.
He CONTRIBUTES nothing to the household, he doesn't CARE about you. He is JUST using you, abusing you verbally and taking FULL advantage of you vulnerable state of grief! In short, HE is a piece of shit and you need to scrape it off your shoe!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (17 January 2020):
 I am so sorry for the loss of your dear grandfather. Your poor grandmother must be totally lost without him and is so lucky to have a wonderful granddaughter to keep her company.
On to your problem. Firstly, NOBODY - and I mean NOBODY - deserves to be treated like you are being at the moment, most certainly not YOU. This evil parasitic individual has picked you to squat with because he knows you will not stand up to him. You need to prove him oh-so wrong.
Secondly, you need to toughen up and stop being so accommodating. Do NOT give him money. Do NOT buy him food. Pay the bills by all means, as this will keep a roof over your head, but don't pay for anything which does not directly benefit YOU.
Do you have any family/friends/colleagues who can help you with this? Who could perhaps pay him a "friendly" visit and tell him he is not welcome in your house? The bigger they are, the easier it should be to drive the message home to him. They could also take all his stuff, put it on the street OUTSIDE your house and tell him it is now HIS responsibility to move it, following which the locks can be changed so he cannot get back in.
Seek legal advice urgently. An initial consultation with a solicitor can be sometimes obtained free, or at least at minimal cost. This man is effectively SQUATTING in your home and refusing to leave. In addition, and more importantly, he is ABUSING you. This CANNOT be allowed to continue.
I think your biggest challenge - and one you need to step up to - is to stay strong and INSIST he leaves. DON'T back down. It is not your problem that he chooses to have no money. It is not your problem he has nowhere else to squat. It is not your problem he thinks he can offer you platitudes about "working it out". Your only real problem is you have this unwanted piece of vermin in your home which you need to get rid of.
Sending hugs. PLEASE start the ball rolling on this TODAY. You will feel so much better once you start taking back control of your life. You do NOT deserve any of this. You CAN sort this out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2020): By the way, if he never replaced the lights he took out; that's vandalism. He has to pay for the damages to your property.
Bare wires can cause a fire...have that fixed immediately!!!
Please don't convince yourself this is your fault; or you deserve any of this! Don't do anything to hurt yourself. That's just the grief talking.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2020): My sincere condolences in the passing of your grandfather. I'm very sorry for your loss.
Seek legal-advice about having someone evicted. The laws sometimes change, or differ in certain districts. The law is in your favor; he is not a tenant, he doesn't pay rent, and you aren't his landlord. If he can't produce a lease, he can't prove he has a right to be there.
Never say you deserve to be treated badly or humiliated by anyone. You'll start to believe it, and you'll also become self-destructive. You have a squatter in your home. He never signed a lease, and he doesn't have any proof of ownership to your property.
Stop by the local police department and tell them your story. You're grieving and vulnerable. That bum had no right to judge you about your drinking; when he's taking advantage of a woman. He's a pothead to boot!!! Moving in his junk. You will have to file an eviction notice; and the police department may even suggest filing a restraining order. He assaulted you when he poured water over your head and ripped-off your top. Drunk or not, you were in your own house!!!
Timid individuals or emotionally-vulnerable people are very difficult to advise. They are afraid to confront their adversaries. They look for an easy-way out of things when there may not be one.
This is a legal matter. You have to uphold your legal-rights. He's trespassing, and he feels comfortable; because you're not taking any serious action to make him leave.
It's not wise to seek advice and not use it. Blaming and beating yourself up is counterproductive.
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