A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Is it wrong to not consider my boyfriends opinion regarding my house? My mom passed away last year and my cousin is helping me get the house in my name. He and I agreed that refinancing the remaining amount of the mortgage was the best option for lower payments to make finances easier in the short term. my boyfriend lives with me in the house and were about to have a baby and have talked about getting married down the road. He is livid that I didn't come to him about the decision to refinance. My therapist has assured me that the house shit should be left to me to decide, but my boyfriend feels like its disrespectful to not include him into stuff that would impact him. Now I'm not sure of anything. Since were not married, but we planned to stay together, was this also something that he should have been involved with? Mind you, he thinks we should keep paying a ridiculous amount per month to pay the house off sooner. We can barely afford stuff in the house as is and I already help to pay some of his bills.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (8 November 2017):
 What bills off his do you help to pay off? I can see why his male ego was a bit bruised here as you got your cousin to help and not him, my guess is that he was hurt because he sees a future with you. Personally if I had a long term partner who lived with me I would have discussed it with him before making any decisions because it sounds like it is his home as well and is he not helping pay off the mortgage as well?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2017): I didn't quite get what your approach is as a couple to finances. Do you have a joint account? Do you share the expenses? Does he participate in the paying off the mortgage or bills? What do you mean when you say "his bills"? etc.
If he doesn't participate financially and on top of that you're paying for his bills, then he has no say in what you do with your house.
Which brings me to the question what are you doing with someone who's financially using you?
If he does participate in paying off the mortgage, bills... then of course he has a right to an opinion! It is still your house, no doubt about that, but he is concerned too and should be consulted.
In this cynical world we live in, one of the telltale signs of a good relationship is how the couples handle their money and expenses.
I get that decision is yours, but not talking to him about it is just weird. How are you going to raise a child together, agree on choosing schools, vaccines...? Do you trust his opinion? Do you think he's not enough educated to have a reliable opinion on the matter? (house mortgage).
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 November 2017):
 While you two MIGHT have a future together where you share assets, you are not married and therefore your inheritance is really none of his business.
If YOU couldn't afford the larger payments then it was the right thing to do.
Doesn't mean you couldn't have talked to him about it, listened to his side. Doesn't seem like HE knows more about finances than you. He just wanted to be included?
My advice? Make a new budget and STOP paying for his things if you can not afford it. Sit him down and talk finances.
How will the refinancing affect him? YOU secured the two of you a HOME and are working on paying it off in monthly amounts YOU can afford.
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A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (7 November 2017):
 He isn't your husband yet, only your bf and regardless of the fact that you've a baby on the way, your bf needs to accept YOUR TERMS AND CONDITIONS.
If he's unwilling to cooperate and be fully transparent, regarding all HIS finances "firstly", then you have just cause to question his modus operandi.
From what you've shared with us, he comes across to me as controlling and inflexible.
You should be careful, because if your bf's primary reason for staying with you is for the love of money/assets, God forbid, if you two were to break up down the line, you'd have really serious financial issues to contend with, not to mention emotional.
He can tell you all the words he knows you want to hear and he'll tell you what's really necessary to get you to include him on all the paperwork, however, i would wait a few years at the very least.
If you wait and things go astray, then you've nothing major to lose asset wise and in a year or two, you'll have gotten to know him so much better and you'll be given enough time to see for yourself his "true colours".
It also appears that your bf isn't very good with his own money management, yet he demands and gets angry that you haven't yet included him in all of yours!
He has NO RIGHT and some cheek.
Tell him to show that he can manage his own bills for a whole year, preferably two, without your help, then the two of you MAY be able to sit down and have a frank and open discussion regarding YOUR HOUSE and your "possible" inclusion of him on the paperwork.
Still, even then, i'd be very wary of including him, because on a deeper level, i feel he's after some of your assets.
This is quite apparent in the way in which he's behaving toward you and the demands he's making.
He doesn't some across as patient and respectful and this ought be a red flag for you.
I've actually been in your shoes and i said no.
Thank goodness i did, because in the end we did break up and he walked away without nothing.
I spared myself going to hell and back and you should too.
All the best and let me know how you go.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (7 November 2017):
 Money, and disagreements about how to manage money contributes to the downfall of many relationships, so an open and honest discussion, especially when a family's (your baby) security and welfare is at stake.
The first thing you need to decide is if your boyfriend's concerns are really about money or about control, self esteem or love.
Sit down and have an honest conversation with your boyfriend, he has already demonstrated he is not good with finances, as shown by the fact you already help to pay some of his bills. Point that fact out if necessary.
It would be a good idea for the two of you to create a workable and achievable budget as part of your money talk.
If your boyfriend seems unwilling to discuss money and just wants what he wants without any serious consideration of changing his spending habits or working as part of a team then seriously consider making sure his name is NOT on any paperwork to deal with the house and that he cant make claims against it in the future.
If he is unwilling to discuss the finances openly and honestly that will be a fair indication his concerns are about control ... and if that IS the case carefully consider your future with him.
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A
male
reader, Allumeuse  +, writes (6 November 2017):
Sorry, your house, your rules. However it might have been wise to ask his opinion if you two plan to stay together, but you have no obligation to listen to him.
When you have a house together you'll have to make decisions together, but not yet. It seems like you are the financial brains already so your challenge will be to get him to accept that. Being a competent couple means recognising the qualities that each of you bring to the table. He must recognising that you know your stuff and you made a good decision without his input. Good luck
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