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My boyfriend still gets mad about stuff I did in the past. Help me please!!

Tagged as: Big Questions, Breaking up, Cheating, Dating, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 June 2008) 11 Answers - (Newest, 3 August 2008)
A age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Hi, I have some issues, I feel totally lost, like I don't know where I'm going in this relationship!

Ok, my bf and I have had our issues because he asked about my past early in the relationship, and I lied about it, and later when I came clean, he became judgemental and verbally abusive. The more details he requested to know, the more judgemental he became, so I lied about a couple more things.

Eventually I came clean about everything (there's not too much about my past anyway, I mean, I was a virgin!). I've been honest ever since.

The relationship is great 95% of the time, because we have a blast together, we're very compatible in every other aspect. He has always talked about marriage and a family together. He's always said he loves me deeply and is sure I'm his soulmate. That we'll work our problems out.

However, my bf still gets mad about stuff I did in the past. This week we had been on a break, as he had requested, because he needed yet more time and space to think about where things are going between us. So I waited... and last night I talked to him and he told me to go over to his place. I was so happy that we were great again! He was very loving and sweet. However, when it was time for me to go home (because we both live with our parents so I can't stay over), he got mad about something I had done when I was single.

He doesn't like when I cry, even if I'm hurt. I do admit that I cry a lot. And he has asked me to not cry during arguments. But last night I couldn't take it.

In short, he crushed my hopes because we had been doing so great and then he got upset and told me "it was a mistake to tell you to come over". Then he said the relationship was doomed, that there was no point in trying... yet he didn't break up!

I told him I love him so, so much that I'd never cheat and that I don't know what to do to fix the relationship... he said "Maybe you can't fix it because maybe it's my problem, not yours".

I told him I love him, and he said he knows, that I only want to be with him and he said he knows. And he wouldn't break up but still he was so angry at me. He didn't say he loves me back (although he said it early in the night when we were cuddling), so if he doesn't have strong feelings for me, why is he so mad at me?

Please help me, I don't wanna break up, but I no longer know what to do! I love this guy deeply, with all my heart and I feel so lost and just want to make this work, but I don't know how! Help me! I know I shouldn't have lied, but that is over already and he still won't forgive me. And he has hurt me too, but he doesn't seem to realize it.

Or if he does, he acts like he doesn't care.

View related questions: a break, crush, soulmate

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2008):

i really know how u feel i've been through this before but eventually we got over it, if u really love him than its worth trying... you can either be there for him explain to him its the past and its nothing u can do about the past but can defnetly show him what kind of person u are now and that u will never cheat on him. You should ask him one important question ask him if he trusts u because a relation with no trust is a really hard relation and if he didnt trust u than its not worth staying in it. The other choice is what u guys thought of doing, taking a break think about what u guys want how u can solve ur problems and if he wants u back he should promice u that he would forget ur past and move on live the day ur in because all that he's doing is only wasting ur time by being anry about things that were from the past he should think about what u guys have now and enjoy what u have know instead of wasting ur time being mad over worthless things. After that break im sure he'll realize whats the right thing to do and if he truely loves u he'll come back running missing u like crazy :) good luck ;)

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A female reader, scorpion queen United States +, writes (29 June 2008):

Ok here goes, first of all stop feeling guilty for his isues. Believe it or not that sounds like some of my relashionships and they did not last. If your bf has a problem with your past no matter what it may be that is his problem not yours, you were not with him so it's really none of his buisness. He needs to understand that before him you had a life just like he did and you do not dwell on his past. Put your foot down now because no matter how much you love him or feel you can't live without him he will never let it go and the verbal abuse will get worse. Trust me I refuse to give advice I know nothing about. I am 28 and have children and I have been through verbal mental and physical abuse and until he gets it together your emotions will stay on this rollercoaster you call a relashionship. Oh and by the way who the hell is he to tell you not to cry? That is called controlling your emotions and last time I checked tears come for a reason and he don't care. Tell him get over it or get a girlfriend he wants to be miserable with.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2008):

Sorry Mrs, but I can't stay away..... This girl is a virgin, pure and innocent. We're talking about kisses as far as I can understand.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2008):

The past ususally hurts guys, but the lying about it hurts them more.

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A male reader, mustaine6 United Kingdom +, writes (29 June 2008):

Do NOT say any of the flowwing things to him:

1: I regretted it

2: I was drunk

3: I thought i was in love

Your boyfriend obviously loves you so much, he can't stand the thought of you not being pure/not being on equal terms with him. this is not you or your bfs fault, its humanity.

did you give him your virginity? if you did then say you gave to to him cos you loved him and not anyone else.

Your bf obviously doesnt want to hurt you, he just feels insecure and stuff to the other guys you've been with, as his gf it is your job to do whatever it takes (hinthint dirty stuff hinthint) to make him realise he means a lot more to you than your past.

Good luck x

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A female reader, Rebecky United States +, writes (29 June 2008):

Rebecky agony auntYour boyfriend does care about you, otherwise he would never get so mad and let the things you do (or did in the past) affect him the way they do - in other words, he would never feel so much anger towards you. He also is probably very hurt by the things you've done in the past. However, because he is a guy, the way he expressed his sadness is through anger. So, he DOES care about you, probably a lot.

But, he cares more about himself. He is selfish. You did something bad that hurt him. Now he is deliberately trying to bring you down to make himself feel better. This is not healthy at all. He is immature.

And, if you want my honest opinion, you should not call him. Don't text him or anything. Don't answer your phone when he calls you. This time, YOU suggest a break. Show him how strong you are - that you don't need all this crap from him. Obviously you are sorry for what you did, but it's in the past now, and he can't get over it, that's his problem.

Trust me, you don't deserve this, what he's doing to you and how he's making you feel.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2008):

Well, without knowing what you did that was so bad, it is difficult to know what to say. There are things in a persons past that are very important and there are things that aren't important. For instance, if you cheated on every boyfriend who you had then he has a right to be concerned. If, as Diovan thinks, it is kissing a few guys then so what and you have a right to be worried about his behavior.

So without knowing if what you did was to use drugs or to cheat or just kissing and making out with a few guys I don't know how anyone can make a valid assessment of this situation.

By the way, lying was not a good idea. Either say nothing or tell the truth. Honesty is very important in any relationship.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2008):

Oh yeah, please update, or get in touch with me personally. I'd love if you had the courage to tell the whole story so everyone can see what he's done to you and your self esteem.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2008):

Hey is that you again Mrs,

You still having problems with that boyfriend of your who wont forgive you over that stupid little thing. I remember you from before. I just checked, you've been having problems with him from the begining of May. He's "judgemental" and he's been "verbally abusive" to you. Remember you did nothing wrong except to share a few kisses. I remember you broke up, it seems you've gotten back together but he still dosen't forgive you. He insults you, he hurts you and then he tells you not to cry!!! What are you supposed to do smile.

You know the reason why he won't break up with you, because he's a sadist. He enjoy's hurting you and making you cry. Now your not even in a proper relationship, but he's still demanding you suffer for mistakes made in the past. This guy is a straight out abuser. You've been crying for over a month, why because this man loves to make you cry. You love him, but does he love you. He dosen't sound like a man in love, he sounds like a man who likes to keep you on edge, following his commands, begging like a lap dog for him to take you back and kick you again.

Look at this link, cause this sure sounds like your boyfriend to me. http://www.dearcupid.org/question/warning-signs-youre-dating-a-loser.html.

It wont get better honeypie, in fact it sounds like it's getting worse. Why are you still with this guy, it dosen't sound like love and happiness to me. Anyway, take care of you... Hugs

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A female reader, lotty83 United Kingdom +, writes (28 June 2008):

Well hun I'm sorry but he needs to either put up and shut up, or move on. He cannot make you suffer for your past he has no right. I would back off slightly from telling him you love him etc etc, as in a way giving him the nod to carry on being nasty. He must realise this is unacceptable behaviour!! Really think twice about completly commiting to someone ie; marriage when he is throwing your past in your face. I bet he has a past!! Also he was right about one thing, it is his problem and not yours. Stay strong and focus on urself, maybe one good thing is that you have seen this very unreasonable side before you got married and had kids.

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A female reader, jeena knows101 United States +, writes (28 June 2008):

I think it isnt that he is mad about what u did but that u lied. If u were completely honest with from the beginning then he probably would have been a little more understanding. Guys get very tempermental. Tell him that u really r sorry and he has to get over it eventually.

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