A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok, so before my boyfriend and I started dating, he slept with his brothers wife supposedly just once. We started dating maybe about 5 months after this happened and he told me about 7 months into our relationship out of guilt. At first, I was absolutely shocked and he had said he felt horrible. He said that she had played mind games with him and that at the time, he was supposedly suicidal and lonely. This was also during the time his father passed away. I felt bad for him and accepted his word to be the truth. But later on in the relationship we hit bumps of him lying A LOT and messing around with other women online. I started to change my opinion of him and wondered if the interaction between them was not one sided or manipulated. I still question his character with this situation, but he stopped messing around behind my back and things concerning infidelity are good between us. But regarding her, its incredibly difficult to be at any family events, because she still makes passes at him. He rejects her and leaves an area if shes around. The family assumes they just dont get along. What do we do? I want everyone to know so that she will be out of our lives, but at the same time, I know it will cause stress and tension amongst everyone.Its not fair to me that I have to sit here and take it. He wants to take this to the grave but feels guilty for not telling his brother and he's worried that telling will kill his mother, shes in her 70s. We avoid family trips because of the stress it causes between my boyfriend and I. The wife told her husband she cheated on him but said it was with someone from work. Some background info- him and his brother are 15 years apart, but the wife is 10 years younger than her husband. While my boyfriend didn't really grow up with his brother he did live with him and his wife when he was in his early 20s. (which makes me more suspicious that they were doing this way before me for a longer period then he says) My boyfriend and I have talked about this extensively so much so that he gets angry if I bring it up. I havent told her directly that I know but she knows that I dont like her (not because of them having sex "once" but because she still tries to flirt with him). Sorry this is sooo jerry springer, I just dont know what to do and I tired of feeling bad for not wanting to be around her. Please help, thanks
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male
reader, MAX D  +, writes (1 August 2010):
 To begin with, when your boyfriend slept with his sister in law, he was not in a relationship with you at that time. He didnt really have to tell you what happened at all, but it speaks about the type of person that he is. As for telling his brother some things are better left alone. you cant change the past, but you will ruin the future by telling the family.
Take Care, and I hope everything works.
Concentrate on building a solid future, not dredging up the bones of the past.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2010): Good luck and i hope him and his brother can salvage something from their relationsship. sleeping with the brothers wife may be seen as the ultimate betrayal but at least it will be out in the open without that wife getting away with her adultery.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy boyfriend and I discussed it more last night, which led to a full blown argument. Basically, we are both at our wits end with the stress and resentments, so the last option that we have is to go see a therapist. If therapy doesn't work, we are breaking it off. He is feeling pretty guilty and remorseful to the point where he's crying; he doesn't really cry like that unless it's bad. I feel like he truly hates himself. We are going to the therapist to lay everything out on the table, come clean with everything, deal with this wife issue, and then repair the trust and hurt. He also has a lot of discussing to do about his childhood. He plans on openly telling the wife to get away from him and telling his brother what happened in private. Thank all of you for your honest opinions. Everyone made valid points and I spoke to him about my concerns. Therapy is our last option.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2010): break up....you two will never work out...just won't happen.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 July 2010):
 I have to say that I would consider this a deal breaker too. His morals are basically nonexistent. Telling everyone just might get the brother to divorce the wife, but he might not, and things will be 100% as sour. In addition everyone in his family will probably reject your boyfriend and if he has suicidal tendencies... well you can imagine how he'd react.
Basically you are dating a man with a history of mental problems, who has low morals and doesn't mind backstabbing his own brother, and also doesn't have a problem with cheating. He might regret it.. but he still did it.
You can choose to be with him, and take the secret with you to the grave as well. I personally think it was unfair of him to tell you. Now you become his "ally" in this secret, and carry some of the burden that he should be carrying all on his own.
Do what you want, but this is as it is in all relationships: it takes some time to get to truly know the one you are with, and once you have figured it out it isn't always the best thing to stay. At this point, are you comfortable staying with him, are you happy? Or are you just with him because you have been for a good while? If the latest, maybe this is too much of a red flag.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2010): You have to tell his brother and fast x
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2010): I think he probably hates himself for this, and probably hates himself that it hurts you too. If the guilt is too much to even want to see his family then I Would say the remorse is genuine. But the brother needs to know. I would go to therapy, the both of you. And listen to a professional's advice over anyone else.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am thinking of leaving him, but we have been together for a long time. Do you think there is any hope, maybe if I got him to go to therapy/counseling and/or told his brother? Should I tell her to leave him alone? Or should I just run away? I don't want to just leave, I love everyone else in his family and everyone already considers us to be married. This has been a long ordeal and I probably should have left sooner. But that's life, I didn't leave then and now I'm at the crossroads.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2010): her husband need to know. end of the story. your boyfriend is no saint and he is also to blame for this mess.
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (27 July 2010):
I have to be honest, for me this would be a deal breaker. He stabbed his own blood in the back. What does that mean? He would stab you in the back. If this was just a simple question of retroactive jealousy, then I'd have other things to say. But it's not. This is a guy who betrayed his brother, and then blamed this wife for playing head games at a time when he was feeling bad. It's as if he's trying to lay all the blame at her door. Whilst I applaud the decision to avoid her, I do think that this is a massive problem. He may do it again (she's already flirting with him), his brother might find out, he might become suicidal again, and he may well treat you badly as well. There are too many if's and buts, and this is a huge mess. For me, this is a deal breaker, and I think you'd be better walking away now.
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