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My boyfriend seemed too interested in my friend during our threesome

Tagged as: Big Questions, Faded love, Sex, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 March 2016) 20 Answers - (Newest, 8 April 2016)
A female United States age 41-50, *ebsray writes:

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 3 years and have had a great sex life with lots of experimentation as we both have high sex drives.

He has always wanted to have a threesome so I, having had two previous good experiences with threesomes involving a female friend of mine and my ex, have been keeping an ear out for someone who would be willing to participate. I've had some personal conversations with a casual acquaintance of mine and she said she would be willing to be the third.

So about two weeks ago we both went to my bf's apartment. My bf and I had already established rules of engagement. Nobody was to be left out and everyone was to be treated equally. The minute we entered and I introduced them to each other I seemed to totally disappear to him. His eyes sparkled and he made heavy eye contact with her, I mean he could not take his eyes off her. He went to the bathroom and when he came out he started the sparkly-eyed contact again and did not stop to notice me at all until my friend glanced at me sideways to clue him in. Then he pounced on me with what seemed to me at that point to be fake kisses of passion. I pushed him away and kissed her instead and from that point the dynamic did seem to change. We undressed and got into the bed and things were thankfully equal.

My problem is that I can't seem to get past the anger and hurt I feel that he was so easily able to make me invisible. It seemed as though he had chemistry for her he no longer has for me. Her and I are both pretty equal in looks and truth is my body is firmer and tighter than hers as I'm a dancer. That's why I chalk it up to chemistry. When I told him how I felt shocked, disrespected and hurt, he said "sorry, I was just trying to make everybody feel comfortable". I told him we both know that's not true and that I needed a little space to think about this.

Even though he has said he hopes we can get past this, I'm not so sure I can because the hurt and anger has not subsided. He has offered no reassurances to me that he still finds me attractive and sexy, although he has said he wants no more threesomes. My question is should I walk away from this relationship even though the loss will haunt me for some time and if I shouldn't why you feel that way?

I would really welcome any thoughtful comments on this subject from both women and men.

View related questions: my ex, notice me, sex drive, sex life, spark, threesome

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (8 April 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntI am glad you are both back on track and it has not ruined your relationship. Thanks for the feedback, it is always nice to hear a happy ending, all the best :-)

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A female reader, debsray United States +, writes (8 April 2016):

debsray is verified as being by the original poster of the question

My bf and I talked it out and neither of us ultimately had a good experience, therefore no more threesomes for us. We're back and we've been extra good to each other. His words and actions have gained my trust.

Thanks to all who responded with a special shout out to Ivyblue and aunt honesty.

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A female reader, debsray United States +, writes (1 April 2016):

debsray is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Aunt Honesty: I think you're right.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (31 March 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntAm sure his intentions where not to make you feel invisible. I doubt he would have wanted to do that to you. You where allowing him to have sex with another woman, so it was like he was the cat that got the cream, he was probably looking at her thinking how lucky he was. Maybe he did have chemistry with her, but is that not what sex is about at the end of the day? He treated you both equally when the act itself was happening so therefore I think you need to try and get past the look. Threesomes are never a good idea in a relationship. I hope now that you have saw what damage they can do to people. I bet he didn't mean to make you feel like you did, he was probably just dazed meeting a woman he was going to have sex with, it was probably new to him and he was excited. I hope you can get over this.

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A female reader, debsray United States +, writes (31 March 2016):

debsray is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Anonymous: You make good points. The thing that made me feel so hurt was his initial reaction (before clothing was removed) to her. The way he seemed to have immediate chemistry for her and how he could so easily make me invisible. The weird thing was after clothing was removed that chemistry seemed to disappear and we were all equal.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2016):

I think you're being too tough on him. He probably interpreted the rules as meaning *physically* treat everybody equally, which might not have meant *look* at everybody equally. Also, he might have got lost in the moment and reacted to seeing a new naked woman. Not a problem if you don't put him in that situation again!

Glad to hear you're done with threesomes-- I've always heard they are LTR killers.

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A female reader, debsray United States +, writes (29 March 2016):

debsray is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Serpico: You make a point.

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A male reader, Serpico United States +, writes (29 March 2016):

I mean - a threesome in an otherwise long term relationship. What could possibly go wrong?

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A female reader, debsray United States +, writes (29 March 2016):

debsray is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Anonymous: He's looked at me that way enough times for me to know that's not what the look means.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2016):

Your follow up comments that;

'My bf told her he didn't think he could "wrap his mind around seeing me with another man" and when she left told me that "she seemed to be more into me than both of us".

Made me see the situation in a new dynamic; and just made me wonder; you don't think that his 'starry eyed' attention to her when she first came in was actually closer to / or equally as much 'rabbit in the headlight' nerves/ fear do you?

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A female reader, debsray United States +, writes (29 March 2016):

debsray is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Tish_1: This was more than a smidgeon of close examination. I wasn't exaggerating about all eyes for her, lots of eye contact and flirtation. I could have walked out of the room and he wouldn't have noticed.

This was not a test, as I feel testing is more or less a way of tricking the person. I prefer to voice my concerns in a more direct manner. A threesome was something he has wanted for quite sometime and when the chance arose, having had two before with no problems, I agreed to set it up. I also don't think I should have to discuss what equal means in such minute detail to an adult man. My belief is that men get a pass on bad behavior much more than women. I know that if our positions were reversed he would have been very angry.

At any rate, I now see how threesomes can backfire and hurt all parties involved. I appreciate the responses I've been receiving and it really helps to talk it out like this.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (28 March 2016):

Tisha-1 agony auntPerhaps this idea of invisibility wasn't thoroughly explored and discussed. If he was meeting her for the very first time then a smidgeon of close examination would be natural?

Anyway, I guess the script wasn't completely memorized by him. Also it does sound like you aren't so thrilled with him in other aspects.

Could it be possible that you set him a test with this, in a subconscious way, so that your unspoken and as yet unidentified concerns about him would be forced to the surface? Sort of like a chemist adding reagents to an unknown solution so as to precipitate out the hidden elements?

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A female reader, debsray United States +, writes (28 March 2016):

debsray is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Tish_1: The rules we agreed on is that everyone would receive equal attention, so him making me feel invisible was breaking the rule. I fully expected him to look at the other woman, just not to make me disappear. But as I said once in the sack all was good.

I should note my acquaintance and her partner are kind of swingers. This I found out after she wanted me to join her and her bf and also wanted all four of us to swing with them. My bf told her he didn't think he could "wrap his mind around seeing me with another man" and when she left told me that "she seemed to be more into me than both of us". It seems to me there was a bit of a double standard on his part and jealousies and insecurities that also plagued him. I can pretty much guarantee that whether or not our relationship survives neither of us will entertain the idea of a threesome again.

As to your question of what it would take for me to feel he is still excited about me, I'm still giving it some thought. I think his actions will speak louder than words.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (28 March 2016):

Tisha-1 agony auntFull disclosure, never had a threesome, never planning to.

I guess the question for me is, isn't the point of having a threesome to be sexually aroused by the other person? I think the reigning wisdom is that men are visual creatures, like to see naked women, and enjoy the idea of being aroused by more than one woman. I guess the real question is, what for you is the purpose of a threesome in a committed relationship?

It doesn't sound like he broke the pre-determined rules by merely looking with some longing at the other woman. Wouldn't it be common sense and human nature that he would look at the new plaything that you agreed to have in your bedroom?

If you were this hurt and angered by his looking with some longing at the other participant in a threesome you agreed to, then perhaps you might want to not introduce threesomes to your next relationship. It does sound like you are going to struggle with trusting him to be as hot for you as you expect him to be.

And if you do decide to entertain the idea of threesomes in your next relationship, then perhaps you should indicate strongly that you would like him not to look at the other woman starry-eyed, and just be clear about your definition of what starry-eyed entails.

Obviously, if he doesn't find you attractive and sexy, then you should definitely break up with him. Have you determined for yourself what kind of assurances you would need in order for him to demonstrate that he does find you sexy and attractive?

Anyway, I think that you have planted the seed of doubt in your relationship, you really don't trust him anymore, and I think it may be an indication that threesomes aren't the healthiest for a long-term relationship.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

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A female reader, debsray United States +, writes (28 March 2016):

debsray is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Eddie85, the above "thanks for your response message" was meant for you.

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A female reader, debsray United States +, writes (28 March 2016):

debsray is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks IvyBlue. My friend already has a boyfriend and has no chemistry for my bf. It was really all on his part. I've decided not to walk away from him since he has stated he has no interest in any more threesomes. However, he needs to show me he still has chemistry and enthusiasm for me. If I don't feel it then it will be over.

I've recently read that most women are turned on by a man who is turned on by her. While I can't speak for others, I certainly know that is true for me.

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A female reader, Ivyblue Australia + , writes (28 March 2016):

Ivyblue agony auntSomething and someone new will no doubtably attract more attention. Not that I have ever had a threesome, but one of my ex's did and when asked if it was all that it was cracked up to be his response was "no, not really because he felt too much pressure to be pleasing both women" of course I laughed but really that was what he found most difficult. Should you walk away because of it, no I think that would be a premature mistake. Sexual compatibility is hard to find in a partner, especially of the willing and able experimental type. Next time, if there is a next time, dont be inviting your friend as the 3rd party. Nip that in the bud NOW because it's the chemistry you noticed that has the real potential to change things by going behind your back and not be so eager by letting him know that you need to give it some thought because you didn't like what took place last time which wasn't enjoyable. He will know exactly what is expected of him if this is something he wants you to reconsider.

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A female reader, debsray United States +, writes (28 March 2016):

debsray is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks for your response. I appreciate your perspective. As mentioned in my post, I had previously had two other threesomes where no one was made to feel uncomfortable or invisible. Also, my bf and I had established boundaries, so I was completely taken by surprise.

If you get two replies to your answer, it's because the first one didn't seem post.

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A female reader, debsray United States +, writes (28 March 2016):

debsray is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you for your response and I appreciate your perspective. As I said before, I've had two other experiences with threesomes that were enjoyable and where no one was made to feel uncomfortable or invisible. Also, unlike others who have had bad experiences, we did establish some ground rules so this took me by surprise.

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A male reader, eddie85 United States +, writes (28 March 2016):

eddie85 agony auntFrom the sounds of it, your boyfriend acted 100% as expected.

Let's look at it from his perspective:

1) Presumably he has been committed and monogamous with just you over the past 3 years. Suddenly, you are giving him the 100% green light to have sex with another woman. Wow!

2) You are fulfilling a huge fantasy in most men's lives. Of course he is going to be excited.

3) He is a guy. Guys are turned on by variety.

4) He already has impressed you in bed in the past -- now he has a new person he probably felt like he needed to impress. Hence, his extra attention to her.

While I understand the excitement in bringing in another partner into a relationship it comes at a HUGE risk. In my time in writing at Dear Cupid, most of them wind up in the troubled zone because it completely opens the door for letting stepping out. I can easily see a guy rationalize cheating because after all, you've let him have sex with someone else.

What is done, is done and there is no going back. But I think you've learned something as a result. Only a few people can successfully pull this sort of thing off in a relationship. It is one thing to do it on a drunken night with a FWB, but quite another to share your partner in the most intimate way. Hopefully the damage isn't permanent and you can re-establish what you had.

Eddie

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