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My boyfriend says the mark on his neck is a bruise. I say it's a love bite.

Tagged as: Cheating, Sex, Teenage<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (18 January 2012) 18 Answers - (Newest, 20 January 2012)
A female United Kingdom age 18-21, anonymous writes:

Thanks in advance for your answers! Last night I noticed what looks like a lovebite on my boyfriends neck. When I mentioned it he said it must be a 'bruise'. Since when do love bites look like bruises? When I tried to bring it up again he got angry, what should I do now? How would you react if your boyfriend said this?

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A female reader, peacelovecandy United States +, writes (20 January 2012):

peacelovecandy agony auntUrgh! A bruise on the neck? How is that possible? Also, if he got angry - what does that say? Drop him! I wouldn't put up with that. Love bites are unattractive either way. Find yourself a better man! Good luck! :)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2012):

a bruise on the neck: i come from a big family: yonks ago one sister threw a shoe at another sis and the heel struck her on the neck. it sure looked like a lovebite but it was definatly a bruise.

there are many times when I have been unaware that my hb has given me a lovebite.

NOW OPs situation: OP, yup the bf is very smart with his answer, he is aliar. he is caught. he never expected the other gal to leave her mark on him.

LoveGirl

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A female reader, 1sunshine United States +, writes (18 January 2012):

1sunshine agony auntLiesss lol ;) Man, a bruise is an oldie but a goody!! Yeah, the curling iron also! Vacume? We used to try to hide ours with makeup :) Time to kick him to the curb!

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (18 January 2012):

YouWish agony auntGood question Cerberus. Often, anger is a red flag. However, before we read too much into the kind of anger, there is a difference between anger and defensiveness. It was also not mentioned WHERE on the neck the mark is, nor the size, shape, or color. We assume that it's mouth shaped, and we assume the anger is defensiveness.

This is my entire point in that the answer lies in the back story. If the OP was the sort where she's insecure and has trust issues, then any mark would look suspicious, and the boyfriend's anger and frustration would be justified at repeated accusations. We've seen multiple occasions of trust issues causing tension in relationships.

However, if there are other instances of his being distant, less-than truthful, evasive, and there are other suspicious happenings, and especially if there's the strong presence of an ex, the absolutely I'd be saying that he was cheating for sure.

But a mark on the neck isn't automatically a love bite or hickey. It could have been a rash, a bruise, or whatever. We don't know the shape, color, or where on the neck it is. SonofMan himself said that he bruises from gym equipment.

Also keep in mind that the guy didn't become angry from the start over being questioned. She brought it up more than once. We don't know what the guy said or what he did afterwards.

It could very well be a hickey, especially if it's along a collarbone or close to a pectoral muscle. But oftentimes, someone who cheated will try to hide such marks, either by staying away or wearing turtlenecks or shirts with collars. I'd be interested in knowing whether when she saw it, his first reaction was to shy away from her. There are telltales just not mentioned, which again makes me want to hear more before summarily saying that he's a lying cheater.

Make no mistake...I don't make excuses for cheating signs. And I'm not saying that the guy ISN'T lying. I'm just saying there's gotta be more to the story.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States + , writes (18 January 2012):

So_Very_Confused agony auntI agree that his ANGER is the red flag... if he got it as a bruise... yep he'd know it..

I have a scratch on my neck right now... rather large... and i know exactly when it was inflicted and by whom...

on the other hand the bruise on my thigh... that could be from any of the tables I've walkd into this week.

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A male reader, Cerberus Ireland + , writes (18 January 2012):

Cerberus agony auntWhy the anger on his part youwish? Why is he getting defensive?

A bruise is easily explained and certainly not a reason to get angry over, "oh this? I got that mess-fighting herbert or playing soccer". There is zero chance in hell you'd not know how you got that bruise, the neck is delicate, anything that would cause a bruise to that area would be painful and memorable for most people. Especially seeing as bruises usually take the shape of the object of contact. Hickeys are quite a standard size and shape. Bruises such as one you'd get from a headlock would have a longer shape. The kind of bruise you would get that would look the same shape and size as a hickey would have to be very specific, not easily explained.

While a bruise is a possibility, his reaction is too suspicious for me to be confident of his explanation. A bruise is not a big deal so why is he being so defensive? Come on everyone uses the bruise excuse but if they can't offer the very specific conditions it would take to form a bruise that is mouth shaped and sized, full of crap in my opinion.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (18 January 2012):

YouWish agony auntSo very Confused brought up a really good point.

I grew up with two brothers who loved nothing more than to wrestle constantly with their guy friends and each other. One of their favorite moves was a headlock, which can definitely bruise the hell out of a neck, not to mention give rug burns, grass stains, and the like.

I get Cerberus's objection and I respect it, but I would only consider it to be possibly a hickey if there were other pieces of evidence to suggest cheating, or otherwise, I can think of basketball games, wrestling, tackle football, or any other of the things guys like to do to bond with each other with.

This is one of those "What else gives you the idea" things, because on its own, it could be anything! And believe me, I *hate* cheaters and do not ever make excuses for them. But I'm a fan of making sure, which leads me to believe that you're suspicious for other reasons as well.

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (18 January 2012):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntIF he took a Karate class last night.... then, perhaps, it's a bruise. IF he DIDN'T attend a Karate class last night, then you need to search around for the girl who gave him this "bruise"!!!!!

Good luck.....

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States + , writes (18 January 2012):

So_Very_Confused agony auntNOT that this is the case for your BF but I once burned my neck with a curling iron and it looked just like a hicky...

unless someone grabbed him (still can be done in play) then it's a lousy explanation.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (18 January 2012):

Honeypie agony auntI would never "fake" concern, I would be mad. I bruise easily too, but the only bruises I have ever had on my neck were "love bites".

I wouldn't believe him for one minute that he doesn't know how he got it.

Sorry, you BF is a liar.

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A male reader, Cerberus Ireland + , writes (18 January 2012):

Cerberus agony auntUnfortunately for Youwish's explanation, it doesn't hold that much water

1. You'd know by now if your boyfriend bruises easily because you'd have bruised him by now lots of times just fooling around.

2. Bruises on the neck aren't that common as it's one of the most protected and delicate areas on your body. Any blunt trauma on the neck that can cause a bruise can actually do serious damage.

3. When's the last time you or anyone you knew had one that wasn't a hickey?

4. It being a bruise is the oldest excuse in the book.

5. He said it was just a bruise but reacts angrily when you ask him how he got it? That's a cover up which means it's 100% guaranteed a hickey.

OP if it was just a bruise then he wouldn't get defensive would he? He'd tell you how he got it and that would be that. He has hickey and he's making a pretty lame excuse as to how he got it too. Google it, it's the oldest excuse in the book.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom +, writes (18 January 2012):

N91 agony auntI literally can't think of a common way you could bruise your neck. Ampersand's advice was great, but youwish makes a very god point that it may seem odd that you're concerned all of a sudden after questioning on it.

Also, somebody who has nothing to hide wouldn't get angry when questioned...

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (18 January 2012):

YouWish agony auntWait!

I bruise really easily, and many times I have no idea how they got there. A love bite *is* a bruise, and if I were in your shoes, I'd watch for more of them or other marks of passion before jumping to the "love bite" conclusion.

I wish you'd written here before you confronted your boyfriend, because Ampersand's advice would have been fantastic. However, now that you've had the confrontation, I doubt he'll buy the sudden concern/truth test.

I have this feeling that we should read between the lines here, because you sound too sure about this to just suspect him out of thin air. Have there been other symptoms of his cheating, such as another woman you're having bad vibes about, or he's cheated in the past??? Because if I saw a random bruise on my husband's neck, I wouldn't for a second consider it to be a love bite, and the way you phrased your question doesn't sound like you're an insecure, clingy, paranoid person.

So what's the backstory here? What has happened to make you suspect that this could be likely that he's cheating?? The answer to this question is extremely important.

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A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom + , writes (18 January 2012):

Yes, it does sound like he cheated. His anger at you bringing it up isn't the sign of an innocent man. Though I also have to say I like Ampersand's suggestion.

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A male reader, SonOfMan Christmas Island +, writes (18 January 2012):

SonOfMan agony auntDepends on your relationship - you should know your partner better than anyone and if there is cause for concern then you should be honest and talk to him about it.

If you "confront" him about it in an angry way chances are you will get the same reaction back and you will find it difficult to get a straight answer.

Do you suspect him of cheating? Is your relationship strong? Do you love each other? If so then you shouldn't have a problem talking to him about it.

If it's in that much of an obvious place then he shouldn't be angry about you asking him as you have every right to.

I get bruising on the bottom part of my neck and my upper back from certain gym equipment which presses on those parts when I work out. Some people bruise more easily than others.

The best way is to talk about it.

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (18 January 2012):

Ciar agony auntA love bite is a bruise so you're both right. I like Ampersaud's suggestion.

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A female reader, Ampersand Canada +, writes (18 January 2012):

Ampersand agony auntI initially though it wasn't possible to get a bruise on your neck without severe trauma (I figured there wasn't enough surrounding tissue)...so I did a quick search to confirm. Apparently bruising on the neck is severely dangerous and can signify a damaged windpipe. Hate to say it but I don't believe your boyfriend's story in the least.

If I were you I would confront him and let him know he needs to seek medical attention immediately (pretend to be concerned), he'll soon try to worm his way out of it and tell you it's nothing. Ask him how he got the bruise and if he answers he doesn't know, tell him bruises that appear without cause are serious (especially on the neck) and he needs to see a doctor. I'm sure he'll eventually come up with an "injury", to which you reply that it doesn't justify the bruise so it must be something very 'serious'!

He'll soon become uneasy with your insistence that he visit the doctor and his emotions/reaction will soon clearly show you he's lying.

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A female reader, person12345 United States + , writes (18 January 2012):

person12345 agony auntHow would you even get a bruise on your neck? A love bite is a bruise, but other than a love bite how would it get there? If it was innocent he would have a reasonable explanation, not get angry at you. Sorry to say it sounds like he cheated.

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