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My boyfriend says that he owns me and will say he wants to hurt me during sex. Is this the beginning of an abusive relationship?

Tagged as: Age differences, Dating, Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 August 2015) 25 Answers - (Newest, 27 August 2015)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, *essssi writes:

I started dating my boyfriend coming up for a year now. I'm 25 and he's 45. From the moment we met we got on great and always love being in each others company. But a few months ago I had a night out and he went very weird with me saying he didn't want me to go and that I "Better not do anything". I have always been a loyal person so I took that quite personal. I did go on this night out but I felt very nervous about it and that I was doing something wrong even though I wasn't. When I did get in from that night he asked me so many questions and became angry the more he asked. He then said that he owned me and that I belonged to him and nobody else and i would do as he said.If he asked me to come see him he would expect me to drop whatever plans i had and put him first. Now every time I get asked to do something I get a weird sick feeling in my stomach because i don't want him acting like that again. He has said he ownes me quite abit fron that night and I just laugh it off. Also recently when we have sex he always says he wants to "hurt" me. And he likes to grab my throat aswell and says the only thing I should say during it is "yes sir" when I'm answering him. I do love him and I know he loves me but I don't know if this is the start of an abusive relation ship because i have never experienced one. Can anyone help me with this. Thanks.

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A female reader, femmenoir Australia +, writes (27 August 2015):

femmenoir agony auntHi,

He is using you, as he knows you won't fire back and he has seen your weaknesses already.

Remember, he is older, wiser and he is very CUNNING!

You are his 'PRIZED POSSESSION' unfortunately. He says he owns you, so please don't foolishly mistake this comment for love, because this is definitely not love, trust me on this!

How on earth can you even remotely believe, nor assume that this guy 'loves you'?! Are you kidding yourself?!

This is not love, no way! Love was never about ownership and i know you're still young and you still have lots to learn about relationships and love.

When you truly love someone, you give them space to breathe, space to do what each wants and so long as there is trust and respect within the relationship, the rest falls into place.

When you go out with your friends and by the way, yes, you ought be allowed to hang out with your friends, regardless of age, he has no right to give you grief afterward.

Especially, as you've given him no reason whatsoever, to be jealous.

This is very innate within him unfortunately. This is why he sought to go after somebody much younger than himself.

A more mature woman, with all due respect, would most likely have left him by now and she'd have seen through him earlier in the relationship, but of course, all of this experience does come with age, although there are older persons, who don't see the truth either.

The fact that he is much older than you, will pose a huge problem, if he is the dominant male type, which he obviously is.

This should be a red flag for you to get out of this potentially very dangerous relationship and situation.

You must leave him and as quickly as possible! I am dead serious here.

I am much older than you, i have loads of experience where men are concerned and i have been in a similar situation, although not the same by a long shot and even then, i ran for the hills! I ran for my life!

I will be dead blunt here, he may try to strangle or possibly even kill you during sex, or out of sheer jealousy!

Do you want to continue being questioned every time you go out?

Do you want to be treated with threats every time you have sex with your partner?

Do you think it's acceptable or ok for your bf to abuse you, both verbally and physically?

(This is what he is doing!)

He sounds like an absolute pig and if i were standing before him, well, WATCHOUT!!!

I would NEVER tolerate such abuse and crap from any man, nor should you!

Please know your own self-worth and get out of there.

If you don't, you will most probabaly live to regret it, i am truly sorry to say.

Don't allow it to get to the point of serious danger. He is giving you a lot of pre-warning signs already and now it's up to you, to make sense of it all and if you really don't get it, we are all letting you know here.

Again, no, he does NOT LOVE YOU! NO WAY!

Love is not about ownership ok and love is unconditional.

Your bf has many conditions, pertaining to what is acceptable and unacceptable in HIS book. No good.

Please take the advice of so many, who want what's best for you and please get back to me and let me know what happens. :-)

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2015):

you may feel you care for him and that is why you could be classed a willing victim, but you are aware that he has started to show a different side to his character. This should tell you that you need to leave before you get dissappeared.You would not be making this cry for help unless you were desparate and in your heart you know you have a life worth living.It is your responsibility to yourself to move away from this person and accept the help available to you after that to move your life forwards.As this is on a calender timetable i can only hope you survive.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States +, writes (15 August 2015):

Tisha-1 agony auntBest of luck to you. Be safe.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2015):

you dont love him..you are frightened by him and scared of him but this bloke cant read your thoughts. He is enjoying intimidating you. Going out alone set off a frightenng train of events and now you must be getting off that train and moving on.Your best bet is a womans refuge.Dont tell this bullying coward who picks on younger women..just do it.

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A female reader, Jessssi United Kingdom +, writes (14 August 2015):

Jessssi is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I don't know why he picked me but I have become very attached to him and I think because I've never had anyone care as much that's why I fell for him. Even if he was faking it. He does know where my friends live. He doesn't go back to work till Tuesday night so I have to wait till then. Also I don't know if I'll be able to phone the hotline because he's going to be with me all weekend the only time I'll be away from him is when I go to work on Monday. I don't think he will do anything to me in that space of time. I just need to act normal in front of him. But my friends are ready to help me.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2015):

hi there again. We are all very concerned here- I've sent you a private message and am not sure you have seen it....basically it says you can ring the police who have domestic abuse teams in England, there is also the possibility that this guy is known to them.....you will likely need to go to a women's refuge for a while if you have nowhere else and no friends or family who can be relied on.

Please keep us informed of how you are doing with this

xx

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A female reader, WhenCowsAttack United States +, writes (14 August 2015):

Don't tell him! Not even joking, his behavior is super scary and he's made it clear he doesn't consider you a partner but a possession. I would not put it past him to essentially kidnap you and physically prevent you from leaving.

Also, guys like him are master manipulators, and there's a good chance he could talk you out of it, guilt you into staying, threaten suicide, etc.

This is a very serious situation and I'm genuinely worried about you. Make sure it is a clean break. No contact at all! Change your phone number. Block him from social media. Do all these things at once and under no circumstances give him any idea of where you are going.

Best of luck sweetie, and I for one want to hear from you to hear you've gotten away safely. Hugs to you.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (14 August 2015):

Honeypie agony auntSo he hand picked you partly because of your background. He knew you didn't have a solid support system and not the same kind of boundaries. And then he moved you in. My guess is he was REALLY nice to start with and then it got progressively worse.. and you may only have seen the tip of the iceberg.

I agree with calling the number Tisha provided and to NOT tell him when you are moving out. Just go when he isn't home. Change your phone number as well. Don't let him have any avenue of contact.

I agree, I'm worried for you too. You need to make sure you are safe as soon as possible.

Does he know where those friends of yours live?

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States +, writes (14 August 2015):

Tisha-1 agony auntHere are the UK contact details.

0808 2000 247 and http://www.womensaid.org.uk

Call the number today. Please.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (14 August 2015):

So_Very_Confused agony auntIf you are afraid of him then contact the police or a local woman's shelter to get assistance with moving. The police will probably send two officers to supervise you moving out.

Consider getting a court order for protection that forbids him from contacting you.

GET OUT ASAP... be more afraid of staying with him than how upset he is going to be. Just make sure that the authorities know this so that if something happens to you he's the first person they will look to.

I am VERY afraid for you.

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A female reader, Jessssi United Kingdom +, writes (13 August 2015):

Jessssi is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you all for your advice. I have decided that I will leave him but I know it'll be hard. We do live together and I don't have any family to turn to i was moved from foster home to foster home so much when I was younger and only have a few close friends I can rely on. Even though they have said they'll help, I'm still so scared to tell him. I think he's seen the change in me even now, he keeps asking what's up with me. I'm trying to act as normal as possible and because he works night shift i was going to leave then but I know he isn't going to let it go that easy. Should i face him and tell him I'm leaving or will I just do it behind his back? The main thing that got to me was last night when we had sex he was a little more rough than normal and said that he loved hurting me and called me a bitch. He got rougher and rougher until I said what he wanted me to which was "I'm a dirty slut and need to be punished". I know a lot of people will ask why I continue to have sex with him but I don't want to do anything out of ordinary that will anger him. I think even if someone is there when I leave he will still try to stop me.

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A female reader, WhenCowsAttack United States +, writes (13 August 2015):

With the others. Been in abusive relationships a few times and you've described it to a T. And don't forget, this is just the beginning. This is the EASY part.

It will get worse. So much worse that you will wonder whether you want to be alive. Everything inside you will be screaming at you to get out, but somehow you can't find it inside yourself to leave.

This relationship is abusive already. It will NEVER improve. You'll never be able to talk sense into him. Leave, leave, leave, while you still can. He'll hurt you. Physically, injure you, and scar your emotions forever.

Please trust me, BTDT.

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (13 August 2015):

Ciar agony auntTell him to stop watching 'The Secretary' and get a life.

If you're not into this dominant/submissive arrangement then I strongly suggest you get out.

Talk to close trusted family/friends first.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2015):

Shit. Get out of this relationship and watch out for this crazy son of a bitch.

He doesn't love you. He sees you as an object he can manipulate and use to his desire. That is not love.

I would be frightened to dump him face to face. Tell your family he has become controlling and frightening and that you will need their help to ensure he doesn't turn into some stalker. Do not dump him in person as I am quite concerned he will lash out at you.

If you live together tell friends and family you need them, arrange who you will stay with and have at least one other person come to you to pack up all your stuff and get you out of there - preferably while he is out. If you don't live together change your locks so he can't use any key you gave him to get in. Warn your neighbours to keep an eye out for him and to call you if they see him, and call the police if they see him trying to get in your house or wait around the area.

Leave this relationship before you end up in a very bad position. If he tries to constantly call you or message you then report him to the police for harassment even if his calls and texts don't specifically threaten you - excessive contact is bordering on stalking and would be harassment. Do not believe any word he says about changing. He will get you back and treat you even worse as punishment for trying to escape.

I have worked on police emergency calls, I have had to listen to women pleading for help as their partner beats the hell out of them. It's horrific and it almost always starts with the behaviour you describe about your partner. They have a partner who doesn't like them going out, one who treats them as his property as opposed to respecting you as your own person. For your sake, and safety, you must leave this guy.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2015):

Yes, this is already an abusive relationship. I have been in one before and it is very difficult to see the monster in the man, since they are very manipulative. They start out being everything you thought you wanted, but they are really the opposite.

Please do not wait, and get out of this situation right now. It will get harder the longer you wait. He will start to isolate you and start to chip away at your self esteem first (that is what you are seeing now). Then he will hurt you when he gets angry. When you resist, then he will turn back into the great guy you thought you knew in the beginning, but only for a little while. This is a fake, a mask he uses to trick you. He will repeat this scenario several times. (I.E. hurt you many times physically!!) And this behaviour will escalate each time.

Soon they really believe they own you, and then it gets very dangerous. They will control your time, money, knock you up, all to keep you as a possession. Then they will be able to hurt you and treat you as they like, and you will not be able to resist anymore because you have lost all your power in the relationship. No friends, no family, no money, maybe even some anchor babies to the relationship.

I am also really concerned about the strangulation you mentioned. This is a major warning sign of a man who will eventually kill you.

Please read thru this seven part series:

www.postandcourier.com/tilldeath/partone.html

Might ring very close to home for you. Be a strong woman, keep your power and don't let this man take away all you have.

Get out.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States +, writes (12 August 2015):

Tisha-1 agony auntWhoops! Those are the U.S. Numbers! Here are the UK contact details.

0808 2000 247 and http://www.womensaid.org.uk

Be safe!

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States +, writes (12 August 2015):

Tisha-1 agony auntIt's certainly not the beginning of a healthy relationship.

I'm a bit concerned for your safety if you try to end the relationship. Can you tell your family or a trusted friend?

I have a number and website for you to call and visit. 1-800-799-7233 and http://www.thehotline.org

Call them for some advice and possible counseling in order for you to get yourself safely out of this situation that is turning ugly.

Best wishes; please let us know when you are safely away from him.

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A female reader, Euphoria30 Germany +, writes (12 August 2015):

Dear OP,

Run!

You felt it already a few months ago. The alarm bells ringing, the feeling of something wrong. Listen to that alarm, it's there to warn us women against men like him. It's vitally important sometimes, to NOT laugh things off, to admit that something's shady.

I agree totally with Honeypie.

He's an abusive a**hole, thinking it's sexy to play dominant, being totally egocentric in that way and clearly no expert in the art of seduction. Nothing is about pleasing you, it's about controlling you. This is NOT love. This is not how it should feel.

He's almost twice as old, so more experienced with psychological games to play, and he's physically stronger. In a word, dangerous. I am sure in the beginning, he was able to conceal his power issues, but now the real him is coming through.

Leave. Leave without feeling bad, because you deserve better, you don't owe him your loyalty or sexuality or anything else.

If there are problems, talk to parents, friends, get help at a center.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2015):

There's a reason why this 45 year old man was 'free' when you met him AND why he wants a girlfriend 20 years younger than him; no woman of his own age range wants him and he's a very, very messed up person looking for someone naive to take advantage of. He does it so naturally that it will seep into your relationship and already has. If he's playing at strangling you at this stage and making you feel bad about even going out and getting angry when you do, then what's he going to be like in a month's time? Or a year's time? He will reduce you to slavery and the process has already begun. Run for the hills and give your love to someone who won't mess with your mind and possibly kill you in the end.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway +, writes (12 August 2015):

chigirl agony auntYes, this is the start. Controlling your actions and movement and making you feel guilty when you've done nothing wrong, is a controlling maneuver. Controlling is abusing. You never own another person. Never.

You should remember this when it adds up and when he starts to increase his choking of you during sex, and when he starts to tell you he doesn't like your friends, and wont allow you to wear certain clothing etc. When he starts to belittle you and slut shame you for wearing nice clothes. When he starts to accuse you of cheating... I hope you remember that this was the beginning, and not brush it off. It will get worse.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (12 August 2015):

Honeypie agony auntI agree with SVC

It's already abusive.

He doesn't OWN you. What a total DICKWEED! He is manipulative, controlling and using you as he person little lolita f-doll.

My guess is he thinks he is Christian Grey from that f-up book, 50 shades of shit and you are his personal little sex toy.

He wants a Sub/dom relationship with you, but instead of ASKING if that is something you are interested in... he is just taking you for granted. People can't have a "healthy" relationship (even a sub/dom one) without mutual respect and CONSENT!

It is not love, don't be naive here.

Walk away from this man. He is playing by a whole different set of rules than you. And he is having no qualms of risking YOUR life for HIS pleasure.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2015):

Yes, leave.

I won't say he will kill you (how can we know the future?) BUT whaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

As in how do you "love" him? What do you love?The fact that he could be your dad? The fact that he is this manipulative and you cave in? The fact you are now afraid to enjoy things and nights out for fear of HIS reaction?

Leave. Leave. Leave.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (12 August 2015):

So_Very_Confused agony auntSlavery (the owning of another person) was abolished in the UK in 1833. He does NOT and cannot own you.

WANTING TO HURT YOU??? how is that love? how is that respect? how is that HEALTHY?

that weird sick feeling in your stomach is your brain telling your guts to RUN away from this man.

it's not the START of an abusive relationship... it's already abusive.

eventually he will kill you.

leave now.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2015):

hi again, further to my first message, the physical stuff will get worse. It took six months in my relationship before he got physically aggressive, and again it got worse and worse...you can't rescue or fix a man like this, they are unfixable - keep yourself safe please.

xx

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2015):

Hello. omg sweetheart this absolutely is an abusive relationship and it sounds like it's getting worse, and will continue to do so.

I was in an abusive relationship many years ago, and it creeps in slowly....initially they make you feel amazing, way over the top in their adoration. then bit by bit, they will start to pick at you, say the odd commentetc. then bbefore you know it your confidence is gone, you aren't the person you were, you aren't going out, you are cut off from friends, maybe family, you are controlled and that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach is all but constant.....please please dont confuse this with love- he doesnt love you, please get out of this while you are able.

xx

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