A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my boyfriend have been together for a year, and in some cases it has been hard for me, having come from a emotional abusive relationship before hand, my insecurities are all over the place, and occasionally find it very hard to trust. But weve been able to handle the issue for a while but unfortunately I got a bit worse over the past 2 months and twice my boyfriend called me a bitch and a cow in frustration, so I kind of understood and forgave. However I told him if he were to ever call me something like that again, I would not forgive him for it. So instead, when we do argue and he gets very frustrated or can't handle it, he says something like "No I havnt you fu***** - " and cuts himself off. Knowing full well he was about to call me something. I ask him what he was going to call me and he makes it sound innocent like "I was gunna say you fu***** - you do my head in" or it's been "you fu***** - pain in the ass"..But if it was as "innocent" as that he would certainly just say it? But he constantly denies he was going to call me a mean name..and I don't know what to think or do. Ok yes he's respecting my wishes by not actually calling me to something, but the fact he thinks it still hurts. Is this something I need to sort out besides my own issues (which I have started going to counselling for), or is it something I should let go of cos hes just simply frustrated with me?* Just to note his family are very verbally rude to eachother, his mother is very negative, never praises her son's for doing well, instead she constantly makes fun or critisises everything they do. And him and his brothers talk to eachother rudley a lot, so it is in his background.* But he can be kind and gentle to me when we are on good terms, we are like best friends and things can be perfect, but as soon as an argument arises that he doesn't like and can't handle, it's ghe end of the world. How can I stop this?
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female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (6 October 2017):
 OP, I think you're making this sound far too 'normal' than it actually is and you come off as making excuses for him.
There is NEVER any excuse to call your SO a hurtful and derogatory name. It's never right. I don't care if his father was a sailor and the rest of his family think it's okay or cool to swear at each other, it's unacceptable in my eyes. In fact, the first time it happened, you should have put your foot down and not just rolled over like okay yeah I accept that title... like what are you thinking my dear?! In my opinion nobody is bad enough to be labelled anything. So I doubt that you're a bad enough woman that you should get a derogatory title.
If you let him know that it's ok to say certain things then he will keep acting out and swearing all over the place whenever he 'can't handle it'. If that's the case then he needs anger management to learn how to better control his anger since the insults seem to roll off the tongue like a second language for him whenever he's angry.
Personally, for me, I cannot and will not tolerate being name called. In fact, that's a rule breaker for me. Any man who called me any name would be broken up with and sent right back to his mother's house to learn some manners. That's just how I feel. Full stop. But... if you can handle being treated anyhow then go ahead. If not, let him know that it's unacceptable and that it's cause for concern and WILL lead to a break up. In fact, I think (just as the other aunts have pointed out) that you should cut your losses right now because this man of yours probably will never change and thinking that he will is wishful thinking. Clearly he needs to sort some of his issues out and that's something that he needs to do on his own.
It just isn't fair for you to be involved in another abusive relationship because that's what it is; verbal abuse. It's time for you to start standing up for yourself and start breaking away from your history of abuse. In fact, take these two relationships as a lesson because at least in future you will be able to judge what is and isn't healthy in a relationship and hopefully you will have the strength to leave.
Before ever moving on again though, I suggest that you just take the time out to focus on yourself and healing from all of your past experiences. Getting into another relationship any time soon isn't recommended as you still have a lot of healing to do.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2017): So why did you leave one dysfunctional-relationship to get into another? You know his family-history enough to know they are verbally-abusive to each other. So name-calling and swearing is pretty much common behavior where he comes from.
Now you're trying to change his nature and turn him into a kitten. Expecting him to be someone for you whom he never was in the first place. Rough-language is what he knows and what he's used to.
You can't fix him. You have trust-issues and insecurities. You've been traumatized by a previous abusive-relationship; and now you want someone like him to tiptoe around you when he's pissed-off! You're basically asking him to promise he will never be angry at you. Who on this planet can keep a promise like that?
You're nearly 30 years old. You've had enough experience in your lifetime to know that you can't change people. You don't go get a thuggish-type of guy; and not expect him to use the word "bitch" and swear.
He's not gentle. He's just calm when he's not angry.
You can't stop this. That's trying to change him. Only he can change when he wants to; and over the course of a year apparently he has proven that's not likely to happen.
Get out of this relationship. Take time-off from being in a relationship to deal with all your issues and sensitivities; so you'll be healthy and strong enough to deal with a good relationship. You also need to choose a different male-type; with less aggressive tendencies.
Women confuse aggression with masculinity. They think super-macho guys will protect them, and make them feel safe. Maybe, and they often beat your brains out too! Leave the bad-boys for the tough-women who can handle them.
You won't be able to heal from your past until you focus your therapy on your leftover-trauma from the old relationship. Taking medication will only drug you and mask the symptoms of your PTSD; it won't cure you. He is only giving you flashbacks and reopening those old wounds.
Getting into relationships that you can't handle will keep you on medication and in therapy. You will continue a cycle of going from one failed-relationship to the next. Finding the clones of the same bad-guy as before. You like bad-boys.
This relationship is unhealthy, and it is making you sick. Your counseling is going to be ineffective; if you're with someone who is basically the same as your ex; and you're still in an abusive environment.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (5 October 2017):
 Maybe you BOTH need to "learn" how to "fight fair"? My husband comes from a household where yelling and namecalling and cussing is... pretty normal. He NEVER calls me names. Not in 20+ years. He does occasionally yell and over the years he cusses a LOT less than he did in the beginning (when he is mad over whatever).
So the fact that he GREW up with that doesn't mean he can't "unlearn" it or change his behavior.
If you get "triggered" by small things because of your past it might BE why he gets frustrated and he might also feel helpless when you feel hurt - unfortunately, his reactions don't help either of you.
Maybe when an argument starts - you both need to stop what you are doing and retreat for a few - think over the issue and then talk... at least you can TRY. I know it works for us.
These fights what are they about? Do you subconsciously bring up stuff because of your insecurities? Accuse him of stuff and then it escalates? If so - YOU can work on NOT doing that and ask HIM to work on taking a few were getting into an argument with you.
There are plenty of thoughts on HOW to fight fair. You can google it and see if you can find some tips.
I do think you need to consider that it likely won't change on his end.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (5 October 2017):
 He is a product of his verbally aggressive environment, but that doesn't excuse his behaviour, as he's now years into adulthood. He shouldn't be swearing at you and you shouldn't be putting up with it.
Honestly, OP, I think you're wasting your time on someone who isn't ready to be in a relationship because he won't control his temper and communicate effectively. I think you should break up with him - it shouldn't be this difficult after only a year together.
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