A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now and met most of his friends, co-workers and even his bosses. One of his closest friend had a new gf who I kinda grew close with. I confided in her when things werent good between me and boyfriend, he then eventually started to talk to her and her bf(who is bf's close friend) when we have issues. So, when me and boyfriend broke up, I expected her to be there for me, being that I confided in her, shes a woman and feels my pain, and i looked up to her like an older sister. However that wasnt the case, it was then that she stopped talking to me (because accordingly it was then that she also had problems with her then bf and she couldnt deal with other problems), I would text her and she wont reply; then I remember finding out she hung out with other people, including my boyfriend. I felt if she was a good friend she could be there for me and comfort me as I was alone and heartbroken, instead she opted to be with the person who doesnt seem affected by the break up. I confronted her about this and she said it was because my boyfriend was there and she knew we broken up.Since then, I felt hurt and grew distant and chose to stop talking to her.After 3 weeks me and bf got back, and I told him how I feel about him talking to her and what she did and how it makes me feel. He agreed to not talk to her, but still quite hard to cut her off completely because she was still dating his friend then. When she and her bf started long distance relationship, it dint become a big deal for me when my bf did favors for her sending packages and receiving packages on her behalf to and from her bf (because its cheaper when sent to and from a miltary address and the US). So now, as soon as her bf dumped her through facebook, I found out she deleted her old facebook profile and made a new one; one of the people she added is my boyfriend, but not me. I told my boyfriend how this makes me feel and asked him that it very much bothers me. Fact that I asked him to not talk to her anymore, and seeing that they are friends on fb but not me somewhat angers me. Me and boyfriend are now fighting about it. He would always say shes a good person, and that its all just in my head when I say that she doesnt like me or doesnt want to be friends with me. But her actions during those times when I needed a friend says it all. Just today I told I blatantly asked him to unfriend her, his reply was "its my choice to not be her friend".Am I irrational? Does it even make sense that it feels that way? It seems like he is choosing me over her, and now that she has broken up with his friend, I dont see any reason for them to talk. I need advise. I am very hurt now and angry. Please help me.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (24 February 2015):
 I think you are being irrational and controlling. You didn't like the way she behaved because you wanted her attention, you wanted her pity, you wanted her to answer your every text and "be there for you" as if she was your sister, and in the same breath you say you "sort got close with her".
You know "sorta" doesn't give anyone the right to expect such catering as you expected, nay, demanded. Friends give from their own will, to another friend. You and her were not close just because you confided things to her, she wasn't that close of a friend to you, and her actions did NOT prove that she was a bad friend, or that she froze you out etc. Her actions were as they should were, given her "sort of" friendship with you. She answered your texts from time to time, yet she was also sort of friends with your boyfriend, which you can NOT deny, just because you think you saw her first, or mentally claimed her as YOUR friend first. Your boyfriend also became her friend, and she did not betray you or any friendship by hanging out with your boyfriend (then ex) at a club when they randomly happened to be there at the same time.
Jeezes woman! Listen to yourself. You're all drama about nothing. This woman doesn't matter!!!!!!!! Quit making a big deal out of a woman you "sort of" knew!!!! Who gives a crap? You were the one who decided to not talk to her, who decided to freeze her out, and YOUR personal battles and arguments with other people belong to YOU, and NOT your boyfriend. Leave him out of it. You are two individuals, and one is perfectly capable of being friends with someone the other is not friends with. The only cases where that isn't true is when one of the partners is whipped, aka controlled.
Learn to rise above petty matters. They are meaningless and a waste of time. Accept that things are the way they are. You need to work on acceptance of the things you can not, and should not, control. Such as accepting that friendships form and take place WITHOUT your consent.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis morning he messaged and called, I chose to ignore. I honestly am starting to question how he feels about me because he drags fights for days like he usually and its exhausting to a point. However, I replied eventually and told him how taking me out, offering favors and gifts dont really fix the issue, I told him Im hurt and I understand he will never get where I am coming from. I also told him he is free to make a choice. He said he did what I asked, and when I went to check he took her off and other 2 girls shes friends with. There's no feeling of truimph, and I still want to hear from him why he kept it going for days only to do it in the end.I was ready to lose. To CindyCares and everyone else, thank you so much for giving insights to my situation. With no judgement you all helped me see things from a perspective other than mine.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 February 2015):
 Then ,in your shoes ,I'd check if I KNOW , if I am SURE that I am ready to let him go over something like that. Not just that I " think " I am ready to let him go.
Because, tbh, if you frame the question in these terms, there are excellent chances you are going to lose this battle. I think SVC is quite right, the person who says
" it's either her or me " looses. Always. Well,90% of times at least.
He prefers you to her, he cares more about you than about her - but he does not want to be strong armed. Does not want to be forced into a choice that not he, but only your hurt ego feels as necessary . So guess whom he is going to choose, even if with regret.
I hope I am wrong ! Good luck anyway , keep us posted.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (24 February 2015):
And it is because you are hurt and upset that you can't see how you are not being very rational, and most of all, how your picking this as a bone of contention is unnecessarily driving a wedge berween you and your bf, and turning a normal difference of opinions into a dramatic ego clash. You feel your bf is " choosing her over you " but the truth is that there's something to choose only if you guys want to polarize a sutuation that does not need to be polarized.
So: you broke up and went through a bad 3 weeks- and your female friend wasn't there for you, as you wanted. She did not side with you.
Well, maybe she did not side with you because she felt you were the party in the wrong. Or, she felt that it was not so black-and-white and BOTH parties were at fault for the problems. Or, she did not want to take ANY side and get involved into such a personal matter.
What's wrong with this scenario ? Why, in your mind is a friend someone who always says you are right, always feels you have no flaws no responsibility no mistakes in anything that may happen to you ? ....
Ah well. Everybody has their own definition of friendship, so if for you a friend must be a person who champions your cause whether she feels it right and appropriate or not- so be it. Your choice. YOUR choice. You choose to consider that she has done you wrong ( and I am not saying that you CAN'T see it this way, or that you have no right to be disappointed- just that this is your personal perspective, not one universal law ). From your perspective, you decided to cross her off the list of your friends, to not clarify, not forgive, not give her a second chance, etc. etc. and for you she his history.
But what about your bf ? Did she do anything bad to HIM ? Did he slight him in any way ? Is the slight she did to you - in not taking heartily your side- so big, so serious, so unforgivable that your bf too should never talk to her again ?? is your bf never allowed to feel and think differently from you about stuff and people ? are there never to be any gray areas ? All always black and white , "either with me or agaist me " ?
YOU feel that she proved to be a bad friend, so you do not want her around, and nobody is forcing you. Your bf feels that with all her flaws she is a good decent normal human being, and he does not feel the need to wage war on her because it's YOUR war .
As the other ladies remarked, you could not tell him whom to be friend with anyway !. But in this case, I also feel that your bf does not particularly care either way and would not even be particularly sanguine about the subject or the person- if you weren't forcing him to make a point and take a stand. I think he does not feel very strongly about the issue - but he wants to show you that you are not the boss of him and cannot always just have things your way .
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much everyone. I am still talking to him, he called and offered to make me dinner, but that doesn't really fix things. I have talked to friends who give different opinions. I still feel extremely hurt. I have thought about this and I figured maybe I can leave him to make the choice knowing how I really feel about it.. if he chose to keep her, then I know I am not as important as her and I cannot compete with that. Think I am ready to completely let go.
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A
female
reader, mylifeisabeautifuldisaster  +, writes (23 February 2015):
 I understand completely where you are coming from. i know from experience that it hurts a lot when a boyfriend is close to another girl. but you really need to let him be, he can choose his own friends and if he wants to keep her as a friend, you need to trust him when he says there's nothing between them. although, i do think it could do you good to stay away from her as a friend because she seems like a bad one and trying to be friends with her or wanting to be will only cause you hurt. i hope this helped in some way… good luck sorting this out x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMe and my boyfriend actually just met her at the same time. We have been together for months until our common friend started dating her. So I think I missed the part how she has her loyalty to my boyfriend when in fact we got to know her at the same period.. i used to talk to her more often and she would confide in me as well.
I am really trying to look at the situation from a different perspective that's why I came here for advice. I am just really hurt and upset now.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 February 2015):
 I'm sorry that you feel the way you do. I can understand it but to be honest you cannot and should not ever mandate who your partner can and cannot be friends with.
My story:
when I met my now husband I had friends that are a married couple. The wife could not stand my partner. She told me her husband said "it's us or him"
Note: I HAD friends and he's now my husband. The person that says HER OR ME loses... always.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (23 February 2015):
 I think you want to PUNISH her for not "picking" your side, and that is kind of pretty.
Your BF obviously regard her as a friend, she obviously regard HIM as a friend. You may not see any reason (personally, I don't see the NEED for them to stay friends either) but.... I think you are trying to make this into an issue that it isn't. You WANT it to end, so it should end. ( in your book) HE is fine with talking to her, don't see the big deal, but REFUSES your request because it comes off as a DEMAND. YOU do NOT get to decide who your partner can be friends with and whom they can't. (neither does he with your friends).
You MADE a mistake in trusting her with your relationship issues. She pulled away because she felt her "loyalty" belonged to her FRIEND (your BF) NOT you.
If you NEED people to talk about your relationship, I would suggest you TALK to friends who are "yours" - who KNOWS you. NOT his friends. Because you NEVER know how THAT can come back to bite you in the arse. Whereas with REAL friends (yours) you know if you can trust them to support you and help you or just let you vent.
And I think she doesn't want to "friend" you on FB, because she sees you as a drama-llama and... I'm not really sure WHAT your BF have told her about you, and what SHE has told him... SHE isn't YOUR friend. YOU are not HERS.
I do think you are WAY overreacting. I think if you hadn't made the demand it would eventually fizzle out as soon as she finds herself a new BF. Now you BF might STUBBORNLY hold on to this "friendship" to prove a point. And the point is....
HE GETS TO CHOOSE his own friends. He GETS TO CHOOSE to end a friendship.
And HE is right. You can't try to CONTROL him like that. You don't own him.
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