New here? Register in under one minute   Already a member? Login244945 questions, 1084256 answers  

  DearCupid.ORG relationship advice
  Got a relationship, dating, love or sex question? Ask for help!Search
 New Questions Answers . Most Discussed Viewed . Unanswered . Followups . Forums . Top agony aunts . About Us .  Articles  . Sitemap

My boyfriend rarely wants sex, how can I help him overcome this?

Tagged as: Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 January 2013) 3 Answers - (Newest, 15 January 2013)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I'm 26, my partner's 28, and we've been together for 18 months. We met through a classic car show for enthusiasts of 1970s/80s cars and have been together since. We were friends first, but he was a bit wary about flirting with me, so I had to do it with him (!)

He has Asperger's Syndrome, which he was open enough to tell me about - 6 weeks after our first date! He doesn't show any of the usual signs of it, except maybe being obsessive about cleaning the car - ours is a 'classic' 1980 Datsun Cherry hatchback, and cleaning in general, but not to OCD levels! However, I have a company car as well (so the Datsun only gets used weekends!)

However... the main issue is our sex life, he rarely wants it, and although he's a gentleman and is very respectful around women (no women as sex objects with him, let alone porn, unless you count pictures of women in Next catalogues!). He has no fetishes at all, is that unusual? Well, unless you count eating a Christmas snacks in bed with the TV on as a 'thing'...

Hell, he even considers Fifty Shades of Grey as 'a poor man's Dickens novel' (does anyone agree, I've never read it, if you said fifty shades of grey to me I'd think of the John Major puppet from Spitting Image!)

He doesn't seem to want sex, prefers to take me out to new places instead... is this unusual? I tried dressing up in sexy lingerie, he said I looked beautiful in it, but felt visibly embarrassed.

I was worried about the lack of sex and asked why, since we have an open relationship (open as in we can talk about anything, not literally open relationship)

He told me he wasn't gay, and that for him, it was the quality of the relationship, not the sex that mattered.

My boyfriend's lovely, intelligent and calm, but the sex life issue is worrying me. We did talk about it but he struggles with this, and says counselling is not for him, due to embarrassment.

Sure he does have some flaws - but these are niggling ones like overeating of crisps, lack of jealousy around other guys (prefers to make friends with them instead - aren't most guys jealous secretly!) and sometimes overconsumption of soft drinks if he's feeling low.

I'm wondering how I can help him, since our relationship is going well, it's well past the honeymoon stage now.

thanks,

View related questions: christmas, flirt, jealous, porn, sex life

<-- Rate this Question

Reply to this Question


Share

Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!

A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (15 January 2013):

So_Very_Confused agony auntMy husband has a low sex drive. It drives me bats but I’ve learned to live with it. I don’t recommend it for someone so young and not married to their partner.

If he has had a complete medical work up and his hormone levels are normal and he refuses to go to therapy, I am not sure there is much you can do.

His lack of drive is NOT a reflection ON YOU or how he feels about you. I know that’s hard to believe or understand but it’s probably very true. IF he’s always been like this, then it’s just the way he is.

FWIW, the DSM has removed Aspergers as a Diagnosis. It’s now just listed on the autistic spectrum without being a separate disorder…

As for the jealousy issue, NO not all men are jealous, only the insecure ones. Jealousy is not about love. Jealousy is an emotion rooted in insecurity. Your BF is clearly not insecure in his knowledge of your love for him. My husband is not jealous….. and I’m not jealous of any of his contact with ladies..

I do not think YOU can help him. He has to see his lack of drive as a problem and if he does not see it as a problem he won’t see the need to fix it.

<-- Rate this answer

A male reader, TrancedRhythmEar Saudi Arabia +, writes (15 January 2013):

TrancedRhythmEar agony auntYou're gonna have to take serious initiative here.

Surprise him. Tell him to relax if he gets all nervous. Then talk dirty to him, and once he sees you won't take no for an answer he will more than likely happily go along with it(fellatio) lol

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2013):

I have a male friend with aspergers who just turned fourty and revealed he has never had a girlfriend. Found that hard to believe because he seems like one of those guys who's been with a lot of women. It's very hard to live with this, and having sex maybe a very difficult thing for him to do (and comprehend) as he may not even understand the social context behind it. If he is unwilling to go to counselling, perhaps you should go alone first and ask the psychologist if your boyfriend can be helped and in what ways. Good luck!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

Add your answer to the question "My boyfriend rarely wants sex, how can I help him overcome this?"

Already have an account? Login first
Don't have an account? Register in under one minute and get your own agony aunt column - recommended!

All Content Copyright (C) DearCupid.ORG 2004-2008 - we actively monitor for copyright theft

0.0312550000016927!