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female
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DeviantGirl
writes: I have been with my boyfriend for three years and lived with him for two. He is 29 and I'm 28. He has been in two previous long term relationships, one for 5 years and one for 3, in each relationship he was never able to say "I love you" and to this day has yet to say it to me. I tell him I love him when I feel like it, and I have asked him if he loves me, he giggles and says maybe, or of course not (sarcastically) and things like that. When I have gotten up the nerve to discuss why he hasn't said it or why he doesn't say he cares about me, or things like that, he says he's never been able to. One night I thought he was going to say it and he couldn't, he almost looked teary-eyed and said that it just gets stuck in the back of his throat. I don't know what to do because our relationship is awesome, but I would give anything to just hear those three little words! ~Longing to hear I love you...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2008): My boyfriend waited awhile before he said, "I love you" to me but when i asked him why he said, "I just don't take those words lightly, they mean a lot and so do you." So don't worry I'm sure your guy feels the way you do about him he just doesn't know how to say it yet.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2007): You have to let him say that he loves you as anyone can say those words it has to come from the heart
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2007): It's just nice to hear those words, even though your guy shows he loves you, it's just confirmation. someone could be really nice and caring, but do they really love you? who knows, they should say it. i have the same problem, after 1.5 years my boyfriend says he's scared of the word love, obviously that means he does not love me, sometimes he says he doesn't know. everything else is great. i feel like this sucks and that i rather be with someone who actually knows they love me. i think at almost 2 years if someone still does not know they love you, it's time to move on, stop wasting your time. ok, maybe don't take my advice i'm a bit bitter and needing of advice myself right now....
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female
reader, Irish49  + ♥, writes (29 October 2005):
 I sure hope you do not feel there must be something you're doing wrong, or something more you should do to solve the problem. Your bf sounds like he's committment-phobic and has fears of intimacy. I feel sad for you, for the unfairness of this situation.
Even if there's loads of chemistry, if someone can't express their love for you with affectionate gestures, nurturing, and the magic words, "I love you," you'll never feel really, wholly, satisfied with them. Consider finding a more loving partner & put the loss behind you and get on with your life. Best wishes, dear
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2005): I have to say - I am dealing with a very similar problem. My boyfriend of ten months cant say he loves me unless I prompt him, and that just feels insincere. So, I cant do that very often. Its hard to feel secure, settled and happy in a relationship without this communication. Im not a mind or action reader. And even if I can assume he cares for me, every so often I actually need to hear, or even receive a note with that affirmation - that I am loved! I think its silly to suggest that we should examine this need. Its pretty basic and natural for a good relationship.
It also entirely stops me from telling him the I love him because I dont want to be met with an awkward silence or some lame "your cool too" response! So now Ive had to close off a pretty awesome,open and giving side of myself. I have spoken to my boyfriend about it on numberous occasions. Ive tried approaching it lightly, seriously, in writting, and even by breaking up. Each time he tells me that he does love me, dont I know, and that he will try opening up more. He does for a day or two - then goes back to a dry month or more until I bring it up again.
So, Ive done my own research, delved deeper in figuring out what is holding him back so much. If he does really love me (and your boyfreind loves you) why cant these men tell us? And how do we get what we need without causing to much strian on the relationship? The best I can come up for my situation is that my boyfriend is suffering from a pretty deep and ingrained fear or intimacy stemming from exposure to sexual abuse (of his sisters) as a child, being unprotected by his parents as a child from this, and becoming fiercely independant in response. Your boyfriend may have some similar shakiness from less than ideal developmental - or even former girlfriend - relationships. I think my boyfriend's fear was reinforced by some bad girlfriends who cheated on him. (oy vey!)
I am hoping that through conversation and possibly actual therapy we can open us this can of worms, without killing the romance, sexiness and spark of our relationship in the process. After three years for you, I honestly think therapy and/or discussion is very needed. Perhaps printing some info from the web (like this answer), or finding an appropriate book to breach the subject, and using them to address both yours and your partners needs would be a good start.
Honestly, If it cant be solved in some mutually acceptable way, I know I should leave him (and I would give you the same advice). I dont think anyone should be asked to put away thier need to feel loved (resonably) in a relationship. And I dont think either of us should just be accepting that our boys just "cant". They need to take some action to address it. If they dont, they we are forced to adjust ourselves too much and I think it will just grind at me until I eventually bump into the man who wants to treat me differently. I am working my way to opening up the can, I would recomend you do too.
Hope this helps and good luck!~
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reader, pops +, writes (24 October 2005):
At 29, its about time he grows up. The reason he " can't" say those three words, is he fears commitment. If after 3 years he can't commit to you, its time to leave. Absense makes the heart grow fonder, but only if the guy has a heart. Some people just can't love. They may have a history of child abuse, or emotional abuse either as a child, or as an adult. But they can't fall in love because of some problem that is not yours. Stop wasting your life with this guy, and find someone who is able to say " I love you", and sooner than 3 years!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2005): You say that your relationship is awesome, but you want him to say he loves you? He most probably does, as long as you know he loves you then you don't need to hear it!
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female
reader, lillaum +, writes (24 October 2005):
 Hi there
You say you are happy in your relationship, and that him saying that he loves you is something that you long for. I think that may be you should just give him a little more time. There is no rush if you are happy enough without it. Ask him weather or not his dad said that he loved his mum. We can take a lot from our parents. he could be unable to say these words for many reasons... maybe he is worried about commitment, or been too hurt in the past, or maybe he just finds it hard to say?
Good Luck
Lillaum
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A
male
reader, Ellis Mac +, writes (24 October 2005):
You say your relationship is awesome. The question would be, not, why he cannot say 'I love you', but why you need to hear him say 'I love you'. What do you think? Or more importantly, what do you feel could be the reason why you need this verbal affirmation?
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