A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've written on here before about concerns with my boyfriend not saying I love you after about 5 months. However, we split up/decided to take a break yesterday although I'm unsure exactly which it was. Our relationship has been very happy and easy for the past 7 months. He plans regular, creative dates, we've met each other's families, enjoy spending time with each other's friends, and rarely argue. He has been one of the most supportive people I've ever met. He is so caring and kind to me- he is always going out of his way to check in on me and be there for me no matter what. I make sure I do the same for him and make an effort to make him feel special and know how much I appreciate him. He got a new job 2 months ago and it's 12 hour days with very high stress. He was more exhausted, but always made the same amount of time for me- spending nearly 5 days a week together. He'd been pretty successful but this week several of his projects fell through. He's been really down about it. Yesterday we had an argument about him working late but actually being at a work happy hour. I was very upset he'd lied to me, and I truly believe it was the first time this happened. I've checked up on several of the things he's told me and he's always been honest. At some point I was just upset and asked if we had a future. He said he didn't know after a long pause. I brought up that it had been 7 months and he hadn't told me how he feels about me. He said he knows I've been waiting for a while for him to say it and for some reason he can't. He said he loves spending time with me and that I'm the best person he's dated. He said I'm amazing and that this truly wasn't anything I did but him just being in a bad place. He thinks he needs to have some time alone and just figure things out. I just started to cry and he cried- he was sobbing. He was holding me and apologizing, then saying we didn't have to be done and he didn't want to end this. He said he didn't know what he felt and he didn't want to string me along and never had plans to break up with me but can't figure out his feelings. We couldn't seem to leave. I told him if he was crying so hard and loved being with me that I didn't see what the problem was and thought he was just afraid. He again said he didn't know and was crying again. He kept talking about how he didn't want me to leave and who knows what could happen in a few months. He said he knew he was going to regret it the second I walked away and cried and said "I can't look you in the eyes and say that I don't love you. I just can't say it". It was the most heartbreaking thing I'd ever experienced. I didn't know how to leave things so I asked him to walk me to the door where he stood there crying and watched me walk away. I have no idea what to make of this. His ex broke up with him about 2 months before dating me, so I asked whether he thought that he just jumped into this too early and again told me he didn't know. I've never been so in love with someone. We had 8 really wonderful months of adventures together and live very close to each other, so I'm worried to go to the same places or be so torn up seeing all the places we went together. We made so many memories and I was hesistant to get involved because I'm always afraid to get hurt but here I am again. I'm struggling with how much time he's gonna need to figure this out. I don't want to be that girl that lowers her self worth and waits around when we never even discussed what steps to take next. I think I would like to chat with him eventually to find some closure because we didn't clarify anything or talk about talking again or what happens now. Part of me thinks the balance of a new job, his friends and me proved to be too much. I felt he was always torn between time with me and his friends, although he always chose me first. I think deep down he does love me but isn't open to accepting that. He mentioned many times that his exes were always mad at him and his friends mentioned that they were very mean. Maybe our maturity isn't at the same place? I would love some advice and all suggestions welcome. Thank you for taking the time to read this!
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a break, broke up, his ex, I love you, split up Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (15 May 2017):
 It will be tough, but it is for the best, it is clear you both wanted different things. Yes he was upset because I think he knows deep down he is not in love with you but that doesn't mean he wants to hurt you. No contact is the best way to go around it. Him lying was not great but it happened.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for all of the help. I've come to accept it- he doesn't love me and can't give me what I need. I'm slightly relieved because I'm no longer waiting around for something I didn't know would actually happen.
In regards to the happy hour, I should have clarified. We had date plans that night and he texted me that he was still at the office but he just went to blow off steam with coworkers instead. I'm not sure if it was an actual happy hour; I was just hurt that he would lie. I'd be completely understanding if it was a work thing he had to go to.
I don't think I've been clingy or needy. In fact, I had several serious talks with him once he got the new job about how it was ok if we spent less time together and that I wanted him to have down time and be able to relax without me because I get that time after work too! I have a lot of friends as well that I still saw. HE initiated seeing me so often and planned everything- very very rarely did I ever ask when I'd see him. So it kind of gave me conflicting messages. Any insecurity I was feeling was probably because deep down I knew he and I weren't on the same page exactly.
Again, thanks for everything. You all really helped me. I'm not contacting him & he hasn't posted on social media in years, so I think it'll help to have some time apart and let the dust settle.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 May 2017):
 He does not love you. I dont think its because he entered the relationship so soon after his last relationship, I just think he does not feel love for you. Its just the way things are, some times. He did the right thing by ending it (yes, this was a break up, not a pause). He cares for you etc, but his feelings arent deep enough for him to carry on with this. Be glad he told you now, so you did not waste your time and get more emotionally invested than you already are.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (14 May 2017):
He does not love you. I dont think its because he entered the relationship so soon after his last relationship, I just think he does not feel love for you. Its just the way things are, some times. He did the right thing by ending it (yes, this was a break up, not a pause). He cares for you etc, but his feelings arent deep enough for him to carry on with this. Be glad he told you now, so you did not waste your time and get more wmotionally
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (14 May 2017):
 You've been together for about 7 months. This isn't an unrealistic amount of time for someone to take that step into saying "I love you". At 5 months, that's pretty soon into the relationship, and the words "I love you" are about much more than just feelings. Especially to a guy, those three words bring on a world of expectations and signifies a "next step" in a commitment level in a relationship. It's usually at this moment when a relationship becomes serious. Rush it and the guy's a flake. I wouldn't have anything to say about it with a guy if he waits for a year before saying it as long as his actions are speaking louder than his words. I take issue with the guy who never or extremely rarely EVER says it, even after he's married, because that's a signal of a dysfunction of intimacy.
I say back off of him. Like Honeypie said - a work happy hour *IS* part of work! Many times, those functions provide the networking and possibilities for opportunities like promotion or a better job or new sales clients or new streams of revenue, and they're absolutely necessary.
Your guy is under a massive amount of pressure, and a great deal of it is coming from you. The guy is going to break, and it *is* possible that he doesn't love you yet, and he may never love you.
His actions show that he is a keeper, in my opinion. Now, if he's not saying "I love you" by 9 months to a year's time, then it's an issue, but 5-7 months? You can't make a rose bloom before it's ready, and you can't make love express before it's ready. Otherwise, you kill the rose by trying to force it open.
The guy's also spending 5 days per week with you even after working 12-hour shifts. That's a massive demand of time, and I must ask you the question -- what are your interests outside of this relationship, that he can be so spectacular of a boyfriend, yet you're upset because of a happy hour and the fact that he hasn't yet said "I love you"?? You have everything you could possibly want! You could give him space and patience! Maybe the best thing to do *IS* give him and your relationship some much-needed breathing room. I wonder if a lot of this isn't insecurity on your end, as if you not hearing the words means it's not real??
Let him rest some, and stop asking him to say the words for a bit. Limit the time you see him to twice per week so that you have something to talk about when you see each other. Love isn't obsession, and obsession isn't love if you're poring over how he spends his time away from you.
He's crying because the pressure is breaking him. Is that what you want the outcome of all of this to be?? The paradox of relationships is -- when it feels like you want to emotionally grab hold of him, or go after him for more time, more words, more gestures of emotional intimacy, the best thing to do is back up and retreat emotionally a little. It's like a dance -- it's human nature that when someone pulls back just a little bit, the other wants to pursue. So pull back just a little bit and see what happens. And remember, actions speak louder than words!
Give him some patience now! At 7 months in -- couples are STARTING to break out the "L" word, but he's not dragging his feet. If this were a year or two in, that's different.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (13 May 2017):
 Sweetie I know this is the last thing you want to hear right now but this guy is not in love with you. He's good to you, he cares for you, he loves you but he's not IN love with you. If he was, nothing and no one could have stopped him from admitting it. I've said this many times here on DC and I'll say it again.. If a guy is in love with you then he will do whatever it takes to be with you, to win you over, to never let you go. There is no such thing as "too busy" or "too tired" or "too scared to admit".
No matter how hurt they have been in the past or how busy they are in the present, if they want to be when you then they will.
The sooner you accept this, the easier it will be for you to deal with the heartache. Also, I fully agree with what Uncle Rasblac has said. He couldn't look you in the eyes and say that he didn't love you not because he wasn't ready but because he *didn't* love you but he couldn't get himself to hurt you any more.
Another thing which struck me was when you said that you've checked up on several of the things that he's told you. Why did you feel the need to check up on his words? Do you not trust him? Or are you insecure? Because while you might not realize it, you might be coming across as very clingy and needy, demanding constant reassurance.
Anyway, I think you should just leave him alone for now. If he wants to come back,he will. Meanwhile busy yourself with things that interest you and don't pine over him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2017): oops ..sorry ...i meant you dont want a scrub!
But also you dont want a scud as in scud missile that will shoot you down in flames at the flick of a switch!
But really I meant Beyonces song where she doesnt want a scrub!
Not the face wash of course
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2017): Your guy has said and done all the things wrong for a relationship so I think you must thicken your skin and blunt your emotions!Some guys just cant commit and they repeat this pattern endlessly!How you want to handle this is up to you!In my experience it is no good to walk down nostalgia road.You had a fantastic joyride and his ambiguous wording left you in doubt.Ok he sobbed away!Crocodile tears!Your not gone but very much alive and kicking!He probably sobbed for his own inadequacy and not for the projected heartbreak he put on you!Guys in love will cross seas to be with you!They dont tearfully dump you off!So assume he is not in love!Assume you are a fantastic person and quite simply his flawlessness was an act!Assume he is a gambler and his deals that fell through were all his best bets on the horses or slot machine or anything, but tell yourself that this is very fishy!It doesnt quite add up!Now what does a girl do in a crisis?She discovers her own independant spirit!You beyoncify yourself until you look gorgeous, you learn the words of "I dont want no scud" off by heart.You want a real man!Not a baby who leaves you with plaintive cries about how he loves you but doesnt love you and how he doesnt want to be with you but he wants you to hurrt a long time over it!You watch cheaters and note that they were mainly dishonest and then you remember that you are free again!Gorgeous wonderful you are capable of doing things that dont involve him!You choose what it is you plan on doing!Are you going to have a seemly time of mourning for him?Its up to you but make sure you get those tissues in if thats your plan!If you have any decent girlfriends then now is the time to joke and laugh with them!Find things to do and get another cell number. Leave your other on and see if he calls you at all but give your new number out to your friends!And tell yourself daily that you just want a decent guy!Not a love triangle. Not a deceiver but Mr Nice who has time for you.Sooner or later there will be hope on the horizon!But the choice is yours.If you feel it appropriate you can declare six months of mourning where you wear sackcloth and ashes and beat yourself with nettles.Of course if you are flat broke then mourning is the least expensive option, but if you still have your gals then book something nice like a holiday for you to look forward to and can enjoy just to get yourself back on track.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 May 2017):
 I agree, tell him you will give space for now as that is what it seems like he wants/needs. That you won't hurry out and look for a new guy but that you CAN NOT promise to still be single when he down the road "figures" his life out.
I say this because YOU are the one not happy with how things are and HE is not really in a position to change things.
I think the BEST thing for YOU - is to let go. While he has SHOWN you in many many ways that he cares, he doesn't WANT to say ILY to you unless he actually means it (which I think it OK) but I also think after 7 months you KNOW if the person you are with is someone you want to be with long term and have at your SIDE as you "figure" life out.
He actually DOES have a lot on his plate right now, with a high-stress job - a GF, family, coworkers and friends.
I DO think your expectations of what he should do and say is a bit over the top.
Work Happy hour is part of networking in MANY jobs. I have attended many and it WAS part of my job.
The reality is HE wants a career - he wants to better himself - and HE SHOULD. Unfortunately, it is at the COST of spending AS much time as YOU want him to spend with you. He even prioritizes you over his friends. Which to be honest, I wouldn't have done at 7-8 months. I would have worked a partner/BF in... with MY schedule and friends.
DO you have an active social life or is he IT for you? If you don't have an active social life yourself I can see why you feel he SHOULD spend more time with you. If you do, then what is so wrong that HE also wants a social life that you are NOT the center off?
He sounds like a REALLY good guy. And maybe he is not what you NEED right now. And maybe YOU are more than he can handle right now.
IF you are NOT happy with what you get from him, don't drag it out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2017): I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Look, I've been in your shoes. I'm 36 now, but I too was in my early 20's dating and getting my heart broken probably just as much as I was breaking hearts. Now I think the best way to pull off a bandaid is quickly, not incrementally. That's my analogy for what I'm about to say to you: He doesn't love you. There I said it. How do I know? Because I'm older and I have experience. He's crying and genuinely feels really bad because he knows you are really into him and he feels bad to think that he has hurt you. He strung you along for 7 months. But he doesn't feel the same way as you do and he feels bad about that. He's not a callous guy OK? But he's not crying because he loves you and feels like he lost the love of his life. Try to stay realistic so you can move on quicker. A guy who loves you would cross an ocean to be with you. Doesn't hesitate to tell you. In fact wants to let you know for fear of losing you. He certainly doesn't need to "figure things out." No amount of work load or anything you could say or do will prevent a guy who loves you from pursuing you. I can tell you with certainty this guy is not in love. Maybe it had something to do with the ex, perhaps this was a rebound. Who knows? The point is you can't take it personally. There are two prevailing reasons men can be jerks: one is immaturity. They're young and might just be looking to get laid and nothing more. The other is that they might in fact be mature enough to have and want a relationship, they're just simply not in love with you. I've dealt with my fair share of unrequited love and jerks. You learn through trial and error. I'm engaged now and my fiancé treats me like a queen. We've had so much pillow talk about our dating life in our 20's and he is the first to admit he has been quite the jerk at times. It's not because he is a jerk, he is amazing. Its that when men are in their 20's they're very immature. They have very high sex drives. And they can be very selfish. It's biological. There's a lot of peer pressure often involved with dating. You see your friends in serious relationships or getting married. And you feel envious and want that for yourself. But you can't force things. And you shouldn't strive to be like everybody else. If everyone jumps off a bridge, are you gonna jump off too? If you want to meet the right guy you have to be an individual first. And you have to feel happy with or without a guy in your life. A lot of people who get married young, did not do their homework. They might not be as happy as you think. Now into adulthood, the girls from my high school who have the coolest lives and still look gorgeous are the single ones. I mean they have boyfriends and significant relationships but they prioritized other things above the "ordinary" goal of marrying and having kids. One girl I know is a famous artist now. Another is a photojournalist and she travels around the world. And they're beautiful. Girls like them have every guy wishing they could be with them! Even the married ones!You've only lived a quarter of your life. You still got a long ways to go. Make the best of it. That's why girls are often told to focus on themselves. And not put too much sentiment into your dating life. Especially not at this age. A man is not going to define you. You define you. Focus on your career, your education and just yourself. That'll make you even more desirable to the right guy. It's ok to date and you might meet a great guy soon who you can have a meaningful relationship with. But just be aware that the pool of men in your age group might not be caught up to you, emotionally, just yet. Don't sweat it though. There is so much more to life. I bet you're way more interesting than you give yourself credit for. Go out and find yourself. Make your mark. And you'll have every guy trying to find you and chasing you! Probably even this one! The ball will be back in your court. The goal is to keep it there. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, rasblak  +, writes (13 May 2017):
"I can't look you in the eyes and say that I don't love you. I just can't say it"
Are you hearing this as 'I am not yet ready to say that I love you'? Is that what you're hearing?
Well, it is *not* what I am reading. It reads more like
'I do not love you; I cannot look you in the eyes and say it.'
"Part of me thinks the balance of a new job, his friends and me proved to be too much." -- OP, that's to common folks what 'resigning to spend more time with my family' is to politicians.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (13 May 2017):
 The only thing you can do is give him space. I'm sure he will be back in touch. I know it's going to be hard as all you want to do is speak to him to try and sort things out, but there is nothing you can do in this situation, you need to let him figure this out on his own.
If you're still speaking at the moment it would probably be a good idea to let him know that you're going to give him the space he needs and that he knows where to get you when he's ready to talk.
You're not going to want to hear this, but personally I don't think the whole situation is looking too promising. In my eyes, someone saying they don't know how they feel about their partner is as good as saying things are over. I think it's hard to come back from something like that as it may start to seem forced like he's trying to make it work for the sake of it.
It does sound like he probably got into this relationship far too soon after his previous one and he wasn't fully over his ex which led to these conflicting feelings.
Just let him think things through for a while and see how things develop.
Best wishes
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