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My boyfriend loves me, but can't trust me!

Tagged as: Breaking up, Faded love, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (1 November 2017) 7 Answers - (Newest, 26 January 2018)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I've been dating my boyfriend for over two months. Things were going good, until I lied to him.

I told him how I was married to my ex but he was helping me with a certain issue. (I cannot disclose, my boyfriend knows). And he was okay with it. I told him the first time I saw my ex, and he said, "Did you wear a condomn?" at first I was like 'what the hell' and then he said I didn't even have to tell him when I did, because he trusted me.

So then I kept blowing off hanging out with my ex because I didn't want to but then I felt guilty because he is helping me in a certain issue so I FELT that I had to see him. So while my boyfriend was working I told him I was going to hang out with a friend and he said "is it my ex?" and he said that comment about wearing a condom and I said no. But later on I ended up hanging out with my ex. And he found out and got really upset because I lied to him.

Then I lied to him again by saying I was going to hang out with my other friend and called him to hang out, which I didn't and I lied twice.

He was really upset, that I lied.

We made some compromises.

I couldn't lie to him again, which is a given.

I had to tell him who I was with and where, until he could trust me.

I had to not talk to my friends about our issues except my best friends.

He said earning his trust was going to take some time, and I was willing to go through with it.

But then a couple of days ago I was going to hang out with a couple of my friends and he thought I was lying because the plans were sudden. He texted my friends to confirm, and he said all he wanted was a straight answer from me but I sent him a screenshot of me confirming I was hanging out with friends.

After that, we got to talking and he grew upset because I broke on of our compromises by discussing our problems with two of my closest friends, he feels I don't listen to him, compared him, and taken lightly some of his dislikes.

He feels I don't respect me. So now he's grown passive and doesn't care what I do. The only thing thats holding this relationship is the fact that he loves me. But since he's been lied to and cheated before, he feels that this is his last relationship, and he wants to attempt at making it work. But he doesn't think he can trust me again.

I want to regain his trust but he doesn't care what I do anymore because it doesn't matter anymore.

I know I should end it, but do you believe there is anything I can do?

View related questions: best friend, condom, my ex, text

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2018):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hey, thank you for all your responses! Things have improved a lot from before, I've been reflecting on why I did certain things and his reaction to things. I've gained a better understanding from before, and I can say now that his trust in me is getting there. I still have to work towards it fully, but he is starting to feel fully secure with me. This has been really eye-opening for me and has helped me see what I want and do not want in a relationship, and I want to continue to grow and improve. I have more hope than before that it will work out. :)

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom +, writes (3 November 2017):

N91 agony auntYou might as well end this relationship now. This much dishonesty and level of trust issues after 2 months? Not worth it.

You made your bed by lying to him. Take this as a lesson for your relationship. DO NOT LIE!

Break up, find someone you can be honest with and so he can find someone that he doesn't have to act like a parole officer with.

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A female reader, femmenoir Australia +, writes (3 November 2017):

femmenoir agony auntYou're in a new relationship and things definitely haven't gotten off on a good foot.

You lied to your new bf TWICE and for most men, TWICE is way too many times!

You should have known that, but obviously not.

How would you feel, if your bf lied to you on TWO occasions?

I suspect you wouldn't be very pleased, not to mention that you'd want to know everything, especially why?

Do you know that trust=love and love=trust.

Without trust, you have no love, no love at all.

Men will always tell you, where there is lack of trust, there can be no love.

Remember this always, if you want your relationship to survive.

When you lie to somebody, don't expect them to go back to the way things were before they found out, because it will not happen.

You've been hanging out with your ex husband, why?

Big mistake, regardless of what it is you're both sorting out together.

UNLESS you've had children together or UNLESS you and your ex can speak openly in the presence of your current partner and you've absolutely nothing to hide and no strings attached, then i can't see why the need to see your ex one on one.

After all, an ex is called an ex for a reason.

I know many people still maintain contact with their ex's and it can work for some, whilst it may not work for others, however, it's not a highly recommended thing to do.

Once you finish with an ex, you move on and you let go of the past.

This is what you owe to your current partner.

You've only been together for 2 months yet there's already so many boundaries being set in place by your bf and this is not healthy.

Why?

Because he doesn't trust you, because you've screwed up twice over.

You've given him good reason to not trust you fully, so he now questions you and tells you how things will be.

Surely this must be a nightmare, right from the start and you're a huge part of this problem.

You may try to work on saving this relationship, but i would advise you to let go and to move on and to stop lying to other men in the future.

Learn from this experience and learn that lying is never a good way to start any relationship.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (2 November 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntThere is way to much drama in here for two months. You lied to him twice so yes that has put the doubt in his head and to top it off he has been lied to before. Honestly I don't see him trusting you in this relationship. So yes I do think the best thing to do is end things before feelings get even more deeper. He needs to work on his issues, and you also need to work on your issues and learn not to lie in relationships.

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States +, writes (2 November 2017):

You have been with this guy two months and you feel you need to lie to him why? Now to earn his trust he gets to control you and your interactions with others. This relationship is developing in a very unhealthy way. You need to pull the plug before things get worse.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2017):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you reader for your input,

Yes I was wrong, I should've known better and from that point onward its been difficult.

He has a lot of trust issues since he's been cheated on multiple times in the past. His self- worth is down, and I am not helping. I know I should break up with him so he can work on himself, love himself completely and obtain a relationship where both parties are trusting towards one another.

I know I should because trust is key, and right now he feels he cannot trust me again nor anyone else he's with. He loves me and he says he'll try to put in the effort by not caring what I do anymore so he won't be hurt, he doesn't trust me with his heart. And I can see why.

It hurts, but the truth is that I did mess up, but I have made small strives to change if not for this relationship then my next.

I'm at a crossroads on one side I love him and I want this to work but I know he doesn't see us together long-term nor in the future because of this.

There's no way that I can think to remedy the situation, because he said he already gave me multiple chances by compromising and me breaking them shows I don't respect him.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2017):

Hello there.

Trust is the absolute cornerstone of a LASTING and HEALTHY relationship. I am sure you know that.

SUSPICION(rightly or wrongly given) is the cancer that kills the relationship quickly or very slowly (could be years).

Ok...this seems to be, if accurately presented, a horrible series of badly judged errors on your side, which has lead to dis-trust on his side.

1. Your present boyfriend agreed you could see your Ex for whatever reason. He was informed and he agreed it was ok. So, you went ahead and saw your ex. Your boyfriend made a flippant remark about the two of you using a condom which you reacted to (understandably) but then your boyfriend said it was all fine.

2. This remark from your boyfriend put you in two states of mind. You were aware that your boyfriend was probably very uncomfortable about you seeing your ex and your ex, who was helping you with something and you thought he didn't deserve being put off by you. What to do?

3. You made a bad error of judgement here. You decided - to keep the peace - to lie to your boyfriend about seeing your EX. Your boyfriend discovers the truth and is - understandably - upset. You betrayed his trust. This was where your fuzzy logic went wrong. My boyfriend is upset that I have to see my ex (because he clearly suspicious that something may be going on - hence the flippant condom remark) - I know what I'll do - I'll go and see my ex and lie about it - that's a whole lot better. NO. That was a nail in the coffin of trust.

4. What lead you to lie the second time, after knowing what happened the first? I am not fully sure from reading it what happened exactly - I take it you pretended to call another friend and then hung out with your EX again? Either way...you lied again to your boyfriend. Did you tell him you lied or were you busted? This was really the beginning of the probable end.

5. Now we have suspicion, control and resentment. Sounds a lot of fun to live under, doesn't it??

6. He MUST let him know where you are at ALL times. You may NOT talk to people about the two of your except certain people.

7. You are CHECKED up on and must PROVE you are where you are. Sounds healthy, huh?

8. He got upset because you discussed your personal problems with friends and he didn't like it.

9. He feels he can't trust you. CAN he??

The only thing you can try and do is try to explain (good luck) that the whole situation is a series of very bad judgement on your side. It was not intentional to hurt him or betray his trust, you felt pulled two ways and made a bad call. The second lie - well - you should have known better by then.

People say that what someone doesn't know doesn't harm them BUT what they SUSPECT will.

I wish you all the best.

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