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My boyfriend loves his 11yr old daughter more than me!

Tagged as: Age differences, Big Questions, Family, Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (7 July 2010) 18 Answers - (Newest, 15 September 2013)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, *milyjane writes:

[Mod note: Two questions by the same poster have been combined into one.]

My Boyfriend is 35, i am 23 we have known each other for 7 years and have only got together 7 months ago. We have been in our own apartment for 2 months. He has a 11 yr old daughter from previous relationship, she comes to stay with us every weekend. Every time she is down he lets her do what she wants, play on the playstation all day long, for the whole weekend, if we need shopping and we go the shops she complains and gets in the way when it should only take us 20 mins it takes us over an hour. He is constantly cuddling her telling her he loves her. I just sit there like a lemon like the odd one out. It breaks my heart, I love his daughter to pieces but i dont feel loved at all. I do love notes for him buy him little presents and always try and dress up for him in the bedroom but its no use. i get nothing in return, no love, no 1 on 1 time or sex. The sex is once a week at the most sometimes every 2 weeks.

It seems like everything i do there is an argument about it. The 3 of us order a pizza and make a cosy night in. Last weekend that was exactly what happened, pizza came, we sat on the sofa. This time i couldnt eat the pizza i felt so sick so i ran to the toilet to vomit. I must of been there over an hour crying and he didnt even bother coming over to see how i was. Every time we argue i always end up being physically sick. When i suggest going to see my family he never wants to and i get asked why i want to go. He is constantly asking if my ex has been in touch with me and i tell him no (even though he has). Everything Adam does its always revolved around his daughter. He doesnt seem to make the effort with me. Sex is usually once a week of i am lucky, but when we were staying in his mums together it was all the time. I am worried this is falling apart. I dont know what to do. I have tried talking to him but he just shouts and turns things around on me. Please help, thanks

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A female reader, ReneeW United States +, writes (15 September 2013):

You have every right to feel the way you do. In more traditional culures, the man and woman come first and the children are cared for, but they come second. Todays kids get every thing they want and get high grades even if they do not really deserve them. And if they screw up, instead of being corrected, the situation is ignored, least their poor self esteem i.e. inflated narcissistic ego, be damaged.

Your boyfriend should be building things the 3 of you can do together instead of letting a spoiled, self centered brat rule the day.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2010):

You are definitely not ready to handle this type of relationship. You don't know how lucky you are to have your boyfriend's 11 year old daughter there every weekend. My boyfriend's daughter is the same age and is very shy. I have met her a few times and we have been together 1.5 years. She doesn't say much and seems very uncomfortable. I want more than anything for her to start feeling comfortable around me and to warm up to me. It is totally normal for him to love her more than you and show her all the attention during his only time with her. He went from seeing her all the time to only on the weekends. I suggest that if you can't understand this that you need to find a man without any children.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2010):

I know you are only 21 and may be still quite young in mind but you have to realise that this is his time with his daughter not you. Why don't you arrange time out away with friends when his daughter is over, show him that you are mature and respectful of his time with her. He will also see you have your own life and will love you all the more for it. I won't slate you for what you have been doing, ie the drama of rushing to the toilet and being sick, because you are you and have a lot to learn but please don't behave like that or he will lose respect for you and leave. Tell him your feelings and make sure you think it out thoroughly before hand. Good luck

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2010):

I am in a relationship with a man who has a 4-year-old daughter. I also have a 3-year-old son. For peace of mind for awhile I felt the same way you do. It's not that he should shun attention away from his daughter just because you are there and vice versa. Just please stop and think what you are saying. He only sees his daughter every weekend. You get all of his time M-F! Yes you should love your child more than anything, but for all of you out there who say that you don't deserve the same love and affection is completely wrong. Obviously you won't love your child the same way you love your significant other; vice versa. If your bf is having a rough time talking out these issues this early in the relationship then I really don't see a future. It's obviously not as important to him as it is for you!

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A female reader, divaoryan United States +, writes (22 August 2010):

I UNDERSTAND EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!!! My boyfriend has 2 kids so I understand exactly where you're coming from. It's not that you want him to love you more than he loves his daughter you just want to feel like you're just as important to him as she is and after being with him for 7 months I think you deserve to feel that way. Yea its true that she's his blood and there's a "bond" that they share but if he's in a relationship with you than there should be a certain "bond" between you and him as well that should be just as strong. In other words he should be putting in the effort with you so that in the future if things get more serious you won't be stuck feeling like you're second best.

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A female reader, Carrot2000 United States +, writes (14 July 2010):

Carrot2000 agony auntI can kinda see your point, but I think you're confusing the issue. The little girl is NOT the problem. The attention she's getting from her dad is rightfully hers, and you have no right to interfere with that. He's HER daddy, not yours. On the other hand, there is a degree of attention you are entitled to receive when the child is not present, but you're not getting it. Instead of addressing your problem directly, you're competing with the child, making yourself look foolish, and causing all kinds of unnecessary drama in your relationship.

You've known this guy since you were a teen and I suspect you had a crush on him for years. You idealized him and now that you've finally got him, you see that he is not as perfect as you thought he was. In the beginning, he was probably excited by the idea of a relationship with a much younger woman and doted on you, but now he's seeing things about you that he doesn't like and he's withdrawing his affection.

Was your relationship built on more than sex? The fact that things degraded so quickly suggests to me that all the two of you really had in common was sex (especially since that's your primary complaint). Now that real-life is creeping in, your incompatibility is becoming more obvious.

What this all boils down to is that the two of you are not a good match. In you feel unloved and ignored, for the life of me I don't understand why you want to continue in a relationship that is clearly not going to work for you. Instead of fighting, move on and find a man without a child.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (13 July 2010):

CindyCares agony aunt No,sorry, I guess you can't help feeling what you feel, but I am not surprised we have a hard time sharing your pain. It's like you want to go against the facts of life ,how life works. It is NORMAL that he loves his 11 year daughter more than a girl he has only known for 7 months and he's not even sure will be in his future- it would be terrible if it were the opposite.

If you two have sexual problems, that's has nothing to do with the girl- and if you can't stand giving up a little of your one-on-one time so that he can occasionally cuddle his daughter, then you should only date childless guys.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2010):

Can't anyone see it from my view? Everyone seems to be having a go.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2010):

You need to grow up! Stop and think about what your whining about here-

First of all, It makes you sick to fight with your boyfriend? So the last time all three of you were togther, you try to make him feel sorry for you & ended up hanging out in the bathroom for an hour waiting for him to rescue you and ditch his daughter? I'm sure he knew you were fine but were just being dramatic, which gets old fast by the way. Another thing is he probably didn't know it was a test to see if he would would humor your unhealthy rivalry with his offspring. Either youre an only child with some coldhearted parents or your just a little crazy. You have a lot to learn about whos important in life. His daughter will always be more important than you. And you also said that he insinuates you've talked to your ex...abviously you lie because you have. I'd bet that he's not as stupid as you're convinced he is. He probably just doesnt trust you, (because your a liar)and he could just be calling you on it in a subtle, smart ass way.

Either way, you should probably quit the dramatics and stop lying & shut up about his kid. I feel sorry for the guy to be honest. I hope you get a clue before he does. good luck.

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A female reader, Carrot2000 United States +, writes (13 July 2010):

Carrot2000 agony auntDon't blame the little girl;the problems in your relationship have nothing to do with her and are not her fault. Your boyfriend is the person you should be upset with. If he's not making time with you or treating you like you are a priority in his life even when his daughter is not around, it might be time for you do consider whether you want to stay in this relationship. The fact that the two of you can't even have a conversation about your needs without arguing suggests that things are not going to get any better.

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A female reader, karen1989 United Kingdom +, writes (7 July 2010):

karen1989 agony auntHis daughter is blood,he feels a love for her which is unconditional. but he also loves you but in a COMPLETELY different way. it doesnt mean that he doesnt love you. a parent's child is always going to first priority in thier life. If you had children you'd understand.

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A female reader, straight to the truth United Kingdom +, writes (7 July 2010):

you cant be jelous of an 11year old girl and you have to accept she is a going to get bored when you go to the shops....she is a child. you have to accept the bond between them and live with it. This is what happens when you date someone who has a child from a different relationship. If she was your own daughter would you be jealous of the bond the have?

If you are arguing a lot then maybe you should think about wether or not the relationship is working but if the arguments are all about his daughter then it is yourself that needs to reflect on the situation.

you can not compete with the bond between a father and his child, he will obviously want to spend time with her at weekend even if this is just sitting in front of the tv because this is all of the time he has with her.

He should make more of an effort to see your family but If you have only been dating for 7 months then there isn't any major rush, so long as he is there for important occassions like birthdays or weddings etc then where is the harm.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2010):

The thing that worries me is he doesn't spend any loving time with me and just talk and get intimate. The sex at the beginning was amazing now its once in a blue moon for me its like a conpetition to get even the slightest bit of love that's all

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2010):

Of course he loves his kid more!!! What did you expect? That's the way it's supposed to be!

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A female reader, xanthic United States +, writes (7 July 2010):

xanthic agony auntIt sounds like you're not at all ready to be a step-parent, especially not to a child only 12 years younger than you. He's never going to love you more than her, she's his daughter and will always be his priority.

If you're really that unhappy with the relationship and speaking with your boyfriend about it isn't working, consider ending it. You can't force anyone to change if they don't want to.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2010):

It isn't just his daughter but sounds like how he treats you overall. You need to have a talk with him. You need affection too

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A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom + , writes (7 July 2010):

He sees her properly 8 days out of 30/31 per month. Not even half the month. Barely even a quarter of the month. Of course he will let her do pretty much what she wants. Imagine how crap he feels deep down that his daughter is being brought up in two houses and that he can't see her as much as he'd like. This is what most decent Dads do. Of course he will love her and hug her and stuff. He will do anything to make her happy. And no one will get in the way.

You're making the mistake of comparing yourself to his daughter, and you're becoming jealous. What you're not understanding is that the love he has for her is totally different and separate to the love he has for you. And it's going to end with you being swept aside, because when push comes to shove, he will choose her over you. So, stop comparing yourself to his daughter. You're not his daughter, you're his girlfriend. If you want more sex and 1-1 attention, tell him you want it during the 5 days he has with you. Just don't get in the way of him being with his daughter, or you'll just be straight out the door.

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A female reader, Honeygirl South Africa +, writes (7 July 2010):

Honeygirl agony auntYou need to re-think your situation, your bf loves his daughter and if you are going to stop him from loving his daughter he WILL LEAVE YOU.

You also sound quite immature and very jealous. Sorry if I am being harsh but that is how you come across. Two days of the weekend is not very much to give up when you have 5 days of the week with him.

If the sex is an issue, then sit him down and tell him you want/need more sex and have sex during the week, also tell him how you feel and that you love his daughter and enjoy being with her on the weekends, however you need more love/sex/affection and it would be great if you could spend more time on each other during the week.

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