New here? Register in under one minute   Already a member? Login222352 questions, 964485 answers  

  DearCupid.ORG relationship advice
  Got a relationship, dating, love or sex question? Ask for help!Search
 New Questions Answers . Most Discussed Viewed . Unanswered . Followups . Forums . Top agony aunts . About Us .  Articles  . Sitemap

My boyfriend likes to choke me during sex.

Tagged as: Dating, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 March 2008) 29 Answers - (Newest, 19 June 2010)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

My boyfriend likes to choke me during sex. I told my female friend this and she said "thats hot" Is this normal? Why do people like this?

<-- Rate this Question

Reply to this Question


Share

Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!

A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2010):

here's the thing - I like it when my boyfriend treats me this way and sometimes boys like to play a little rough anyway so when they start getting like this and then draw back before it gets too intense "just in case", I encourage them to continue :P BUT you don't sound like you like it. so it's really up to you. esp. if you are giving off signs that you don't like it (you probably don't say it if you don't want to offend him but you probably aren't as into it as a girl might be) and he's still doing it even though he can tell you don't...I don't know what to say. that's not healthy.

<-- Rate this answer

A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2010):

I love my boyfriend choking me! I am small with a small frame and I love the feeling of him been on top with his hand round my neck. Once we are getting into sex he will slide his hand up onto my neck and not apply any pressure - he is teasing me! and he knows it! he waits for me to grab his forearm and push it down to apply pressure on my neck.

If he entering from behind he will reach round and grab hold of my neck from the front, then I just shout at him to spank me, he will start off gently and then slap my butt until it looks like a red apple, at this point I always beg him to go back to choking me whilst I climax.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2010):

i love getting choked and my husband isn't as comfortable as i am with it. but we are able to make compromises. every relationship needs compromises. but usually the choking fantasy comes from deeper issues as long as it doesn't get out of control it can be normal. but like everyone else said if you don't like it don't do it. but just because he does like it doesn't necessarily mean he's a creep.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, little miss 86 Canada +, writes (13 June 2010):

This depends on how you feel. Do you enjoy it? This is one of those things that you two should talk about. I have been with a couple guys who enjoy being choked (lightly). It comes from a good place when I do it, and that is key. I respect them very much and they find pleasure in being out of control; if they didn't I wouldn't do it!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2010):

I love being choked during sex. For me, it's not so much being dominated as it is the euphoria that occurs with slightly cutting off the oxygen to the brain. It feels amazing, very intense. In my experiences, my boyfriends were the ones who were uncomfortable, not me. I don't know if they were afraid to hurt me (I'm small) or if they thought I was a little kinkier than they were but I had to assure them it was okay and that I liked it. I took my boyfriend's hand and placed it on my neck with my hand on top of his and squeezed to show him the amount of pressure I like and ever since it's been ecstasy:)

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, HelloooNurse United States +, writes (29 April 2010):

I can't tell you how many men I've been with, and how many women I've known that enjoy this. Personally, I don't enjoy it every single time I have sex. Just when I'm in the mood to get a little rougher. For me, it has to do with the fantasy of being dominated. Along with this, I like my hair pulled and hard thrusts. Yes, female mammals are naturally submissive, so to me, it's normal. Granted, it doesn't go as far as asphyxiation. THAT is not normal. But light choking is very arousing. For the woman, gives her a sense of feeling dominated. For men, gives them a feeling of power. Men always get off on power, too ;) haha But if it's something you're not into, just tell him. If he loves you he'll understand and respect your wishes. Or, if it's something you don't want to do all the time, like me, switch it up. One day, make passionate, sensual love. Then, when you're feeling friskier, get rough and playful. ;)

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2010):

My bf and I accidentally stumbled upon it and now it has become part of our normal sex life. I can always breathe because he just puts his hands on the side of my neck and lightly squeezes just as I'm about ready. I never feel close to dizzy or passing out or anything. It has reallllly made me like being on top more and it always leads to a happy ending for me. Just saying. :)

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2010):

I have been in this situation. Boys can get a little rough sometimes. Easy solution: GET A SAFE WORD.

A secret password that will let him know you seriously want him to STOP.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2010):

i didn't read everyones reply but what it could very well be is erotic asphyxiation. i first discovered it through Nip/Tuck but its not just something that show writers made up. its the act of cutting of oxygen to your partner while having sex or yourself if your doing it solo. w/o going into the science, it basically makes your orgasm more intense. idk if this is why your bf is choking you, but thats your deal to talk to him and find out why.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, caterpillarchapstick United States +, writes (3 February 2010):

i always choke my girlfriend during sex. she bites and claws me. i don't choke her hard usually. she is a tiny girl and has a really tiny neck so its something that has to be done carefully. there's absolutely no possible way that it could ever kill her and its not oxygen starvation by any stretch. it is likely a rape fantasy kind of, only a very loving one. i would certainly stop if she told me to but she is really into it. she likes to be hit too and told what to do. its alarming how many girls are into this. is it sadomasochism? i have no idea. the way i see it getting rough during sex seems raw and primal and the aggression gets (some) girls turned on. every girl i have ever been with likes to be dominated. i really think its a natural concept. virtually all female mammals are submissive during sex. biting and hair pulling are good too. its really not that painful.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, jopo29 United States +, writes (16 September 2009):

My wife now likes it when I choke her during sex. I had talked to her about it when we were dating. At first she was not into it, but now she likes it. I am not sure what turns me on about choking my wife. We both find it odd, and we have never told anyone about it. Obviously we think it is fine. Just make sure you talk to your boyfriend about it and don't do anything that you are not comfortable with.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2009):

I think a lot of these ppl are so quick to assume this is like "the choking game" or something of the like. I enjoy getting "choked" in bed, but not in an extreme manner. My man will grab my throat with some pressure, but not nearly enough pressure to cut off my breathing, and a lot of ppl enjoy this sort of play, rather than the extreme "can't breath" choking.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, mebogie United States +, writes (6 July 2009):

It is likely that he is not chocking you for your benefit, but rather for his own. I mean, it could be possible that he has gotten good feedback from doing it with a previous partner, but it is likely that he simply enjoys doing it.

S&M can be extreme or it can be on the lower end which would involve chocking. While it may not seem like a big deal to some it could easily go beyond chocking. If you like it than it is normal for the two of you and you should not feel guilty about it. If you do not like it, please tell him. If he respects your relationship and you he will stop. At the very least the two of you can come up with a compromise. He does not know what you are thinking and could perhaps think that you like it. Let him know the way that you feel and go from there.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Bella_Babe57 Australia +, writes (11 June 2008):

Bella_Babe57 agony auntIt gives him a sense of control and power, and seeing you in a helpless state, gets him off. I, personally think its hot, but reading the other answers im a bit concerned. During sex, when a girl is submissive and powerless, which is only usually during rape. Hopefully this isnt what is turning him on, otherwise there might be a problem eh?

Be careful ok!

xx

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, Badbadman United States +, writes (10 June 2008):

Just saw your post, but I wanted to add this.

"Normal" is what makes sense for you. Some women find choking extremely hot. My previous experience with choking comes from women asking to be choked. For them, it intensified their orgasms immensely and it gave them a certain feeling of being controlled (at least during sex). Mind you, these are very powerful, professional women who had great careers. They just needed to let go during sex and be a little submissive. It was fun for them and that was it.

As for why people like this, it really is just a personal matter. Many people in sex want to assume a role they would never assume in the outside world. Some people, especially ones who work in a very high-powered environment just want a situation where they can relax and be old what to do. Its simply a matter of balance. You can't be Type A all the time.

As for you, just make sure you are comfortable with the whole choking thing. Its always important to want to please your partner, but only if it makes you feel comfortable as well.

If its OK with you, make sure that you have a safe word or safe "tap" to let him know that he is getting too rough. The agreement between me and the women who enjoy this is a hard tap on my arm. This lets them know that what we are doing is completely safe and controlled.

If this isn't something that you want, then tell your boyfriend that this is making you feel uncomfortable and find another way to turn him on. I'm sure there is more than one way.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, runawayitscory1 United States +, writes (12 March 2008):

runawayitscory1 agony auntive been is this kind of situation... sometimes guys express how they feel in a very physical way.. sometimes too physicall..obviouslyy he really feels good when hes having sex with you.. and this is good. but if hes hurting you.. or if he does it to strongly to the point where u cant breathe.. tell him to stop imediately.. see how he takes it. if he keeps doing it and it hurts you or bugs you.. even after you tell him to stop.. its not worthitt. this could be a dangerous situation.. or it could be harmless. just be careful. and dont let it get to far

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2008):

What it is has already been answered BUT leaving out on vital bit, so I will attempt to explain it properly.

It is NOT S&M strictly speaking.

The idea is that the reduced bloodflow to your head and resulting oxygen starvation will cause you to feel lightheaded, possibly hightening the feelins of sex and orgasm.

This makes it clear why it is NOT part of S&M strictly speaking because it is the person being CHOKED who is supposed to get the pleasure and NOT through pain.

It therefor something YOU should request if you want it. Not something that HE wishes to do. If it is for HIS enjoyment to choke YOU then it is simple SADISM.

This again is NOT S&M, S&M is mutual, a sadist and a masochist. SADISM is one way.

If your female friend thinks it is hot, then that is her choice. Everyone has different tastes.

If you don't like it, then don't do it. Remember the entire theory about lack of bloodflow is supposed to be about YOUR enjoyment, not his. So if you don't enjoy it, there is no point apart from him being a scary sadist you should stay clear off.

Remember, this is not like spanking, your ass will heal even from the most violent trashing, but it ain't called oxygen starvation for nothing, your braincells are DYING! Wait that is wrong, THEY ARE DEAD! Sure, drinking will do the same and it all depends on how far you are choked but if there is an effect it is because your body is lacking oxygen and that is not a good thing.

So people are choked because they think having their brain die on them feels hot and people choke because they are sadists and want to hurt you badly.

My advice, get the fuck away from this freak. If he wants to make you experience a super orgasm buy him a vibrator and tell him to go to work between your legs for an hour or so. That will feel a lot better and doesn't kill you.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Gena Bullock United States +, writes (11 March 2008):

Gena Bullock agony auntGet another boyfriend. Any man who wants to use force is a control freak and you don't need that in your life. This is physical violence in the makes. Be careful.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Gemini1506 United Kingdom +, writes (11 March 2008):

As long as he dont go to far

and you dont mind it

then its fine

x

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2008):

Similar to the choking game where people have died. If you don't like it, tell him to stop and to never do it again.

There is only so much pleasure one get from sex. Doing bizarre things to get the sense that it is more pleasurable is only taking unwarranted risks.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2008):

I suggest a safeword in case it gets out of control, and remember that word well!

In any case, if you dont enjoy it, you could ask him to stop all together

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2008):

It's supposed to make it more enjoyable for you upon orgasm, due to the lack of blood flow during the build up, then the release upon climax. It's mainly part of the S&M scene. If you don't like it tell him, it may be that he likes to be dominant during sex. If you do then enjoy just make sure though that things don't get out of control, have a password (something you would never normally say) or a particular gesture that says enough is enough.

Lots of people like this type of thing, so it's you and your boyfriend are not weird!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Laura1318 Malaysia +, writes (11 March 2008):

Laura1318 agony auntDon't play with your life.

It may give you the near death experience or the heightened state of orgasm but it could be very dangerous.

One moment longer and you will become another statistics.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, DoubleM United States + , writes (11 March 2008):

DoubleM agony auntThat is something that is totally strange to me. In my opinion, there is nothing that can be considered "normal" about it - it must be some kind of total male dominance thing, or much worse. Perhaps it has to do with sadism. How can that have anything to do with the concept of "making love?" My opinion.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2008):

My boyfriend chokes me during sex sometimes too, it really gets him hard. He never does it so much that I cannot breathe or anything, and he stops as soon as I tell him to. Personally I don't really find it arousing but anything that gets him that worked up is worth it for me.

He likes it because it makes him feel powerful and in control. Lots of men have fantasies about dominating women. It makes them aroused to see women in a subservient and helpless state. It might not be normal (hell it might not even be healthy- could stem from rape fantasies) but as long as it is only the ILLUSION of control and not REALITY, it is harmless. What I mean is, you BOTH have to set the terms for what is acceptable and what isn't. If he is choking you without asking for consent or not listening to you when you say stop, and not respecting your sexual wishes- then that is BAD. That is a sign of a controlling personality and you need to nip it in the bud now.

I think there should always be room for experimenting in bed... but not if one of you doesn't want to do it, it's not right then.

Good luck, talk to your man about it.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, N-Decisive1 United States +, writes (11 March 2008):

As for being choked while having sex, maybe they say it's HOT,they claim it arouses the female. BUT it's not good for you. What IF you pass out/ and not come to? what then?

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, Danielepew Mexico + , writes (11 March 2008):

Danielepew agony auntIf you don't like it, he shouldn't do it, particularly because you're the one who would die if things went out of control. If he won't stop, you stop it.

Also, I don't want to get into what's normal or abnormal, but I think most people would not enjoy feeling choked. I wouldn't like to feel choked during lovemaking.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, Ponungalungb United States +, writes (11 March 2008):

Ponungalungb agony auntIt's hot alright. Especially if he accidently chokes you to death.

He's a psycho and he's trying to control you. You better wise up before you become a statistic.

BTW, your girlfriend needs to wise up too.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, Paladin United States +, writes (11 March 2008):

Paladin agony auntWhats normal to one person is not always normal to another. If you like it keep doing it but be careful I have heard of this getting out of control and going too far which could result in permanent damage or death. If you get a chance watch the movie "Rising Sun". Its a great movie certainly worth watching and if your lucky you might get a dose of reality. You ask why people like this, not all do and most don't. People do a lot of things, look up Prince Albert Piercing, you'll see people will do damn near anything.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

New answers are blocked to this question

All Content Copyright (C) DearCupid.ORG 2004-2008 - we actively monitor for copyright theft

0.0625!