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My boyfriend lied about hanging out with a group of female friends. Do I dump him or not?

Tagged as: Friends, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 May 2015) 6 Answers - (Newest, 7 May 2015)
A female United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

My boyfriend lied and told me he had to work all day and he ended up instead going to a beer festival thing with a group of female friends he has . Should I dump him for lying ? I don't understand why he didn't tell me or why I was not invited ? His best friend is a women and I am fine with that but why not just say hey I'm going to this thing . I found out via FB on his friends page. I have yet to confront him . I'm not mad that he went with them I'm mad he lied about it and my feelings are hurt because I was not invited. This man claims he loves me , how can you love someone when you lie ? Feeling really bummed I don't want to end our relationship over this but afraid he may do something like this again . Any input would help thanks .

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A female reader, like I see it United States +, writes (7 May 2015):

like I see it agony auntYou can't reasonably expect to be part of every activity in which he ever participates, but you SHOULD reasonably expect that as his girlfriend you can ask about his plans for a given day without being deliberately lied to.

It sounds like he didn't just fail to tell you about the beer festival (lying by omission) but actually MADE UP a story about being at work that day, which crosses the line into lying with intention. I think it's important to distinguish that this was not an oversight on his part. He didn't "forget" to tell you about something; given the opportunity, he CHOSE not to be truthful with you.

Something is up, because people with nothing to hide have nothing to lie about.

I had an ex who could not for the life of him set boundaries with women. Most instances were harmless, others maybe less so. He failed to tell me about a trip to a bar with a female friend, just the two of them, and I let it slide because we'd had no prior trust issues and because I didn't think the sex of his friends should matter if only friendship was afoot.

A few weeks later he got drunk at a party and began blatantly hitting on this same friend in front of me. Not the greatest way to repay a second chance, haha. At that point I called time on the relationship, not because the offense was so grave in the great scheme of cheating/attempted cheating, but because I didn't want to go forward in the relationship constantly wondering what the hell he was up to with this friend and other female "friends" while I worked away from home three days a week. Trust issues are stressful and distracting and they genuinely detract from the positives of having a relationship with someone. I chose not to go down that road. I don't regret that choice in the slightest. I didn't want to be the clingy girlfriend demanding updates on her partner's every move or reading texts over his shoulder and yet that particular relationship was bringing those instincts out of me. Rather than become that person, I held out for a partner who wouldn't give me good reasons to become that person. I hope that makes sense.

So I agree with Abella in that whether you stay with him or not, this is not a good sign. You now know he is at the very least capable of lying to you about things he assumes you aren't going to like, which is not a good precedent in a relationship. There's a saying that cheating is anything you wouldn't do in front of your partner and while that definition may be a bit extreme for most relationships, it's not a bad yardstick to determine whether something is worth being concerned about. So what about this beer festival made it something your partner had to hide?

If you do stay with him, be clear that it is on him to earn your trust back, and don't tolerate repeat offenses. Me personally, I wouldn't want jewelry; I'd want an apology and a concrete plan from him as to how instances like this would not continue to crop up as problems in our future together. And then I would expect to see honesty and transparency as a pattern of behavior from him without you having to nag or beg for it.

DON'T stay with him if you have to become a controlling, clingy girlfriend in order to trust that he isn't acting out behind your back.

Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2015):

I have this gut feeling that there is more to this story. For instance, maybe he lied because he is supposed to be losing weight and drinking beer wouldn't help?

Anyway, I know you're pissed, but you should try to calmly ask him why he lied. Maybe in a twisted way he was trying to save you from being hurt about something?

Best of luck!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2015):

You dump a boyfriend for a history or pattern of lying. Not for a single incident.

I do agree, he's a real sh*t for not inviting his own girlfriend; but I'll get back to that. I have some stuff I want you to run through your brain. Toss your hair and take a deep breath. Chill for a minute.

You don't dump a boyfriend for catching him in one lie; unless it was about cheating, he's married, or if he has a criminal record. Make sure you never lie. There is something hypocritical about people who lie, but can't stand a liar.

I know you're pissed. Get a grip, girlfriend! Guys do these stupid things, and sometimes you need to give yourself a minute to compose yourself before you do something irrational, and regret soon after you do it. I'd punch him for you, but DC doesn't condone violence or threats.

If you've been forgiving him for lie after lie, certainly. Kick his ass to the curb! How can you build a relationship without trust?

Now lets look at this from both sides. Are you snotty around his other lady-friends? Do you get extra clingy or sticky to him, to establish territory and prove possession of your man? Are you insecure and feel threatened by every female who looks his direction? Do his friends (male and female) even like you? These would be several reasons for not inviting you; and lying in order not to miss an event that would be epic and totally awesome if you weren't around to spoil it with attitude and jealousy. Or clinging like an extra appendage!

If you recently had an argument, or he has to submit an application, his SSN, birth-certificate, and three years of income tax returns for permission? I think he'd skip the red-tape and approval process. That ended the day he moved out from his parents. Does he still live with his parents?

Never-mind. That alone would be reason to dump him if he's over 30!

You're automatically going to get a lot a females to see your side of it. They will agree you should dump him. I think you need to assess and review his past history. Evaluate the overall quality of your relationship, how honest he is generally; and how consistently he proves his love to you. I do agree you should let him know what he did. He shouldn't be let off the hook for that.

If, he's a tool, and a lying sack of dirt; dump the douche-bag!!! Then don't have second-thoughts a couple of weeks from now; because you suddenly miss him, and figure he's having a ball hanging-out with all his other lady-friends. Who will no-doubt do everything they can to console and comfort him for his loss and suffering from the sudden breakup.

I think he owes you a shopping-spree, or at least an expensive piece of jewelry; to make up for hurting your feelings. He's a total dick for what he did, and it's no way to treat your girlfriend. I recommend a Pandora Charm bracelet.

Unless he is a pathological-liar; I'd give him another chance, but he has to do something special to make it up to you. He owes you a huge apology before he does anything else. Let him read this.

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A female reader, Abella United States +, writes (7 May 2015):

Abella agony auntHi,

Not sure how long the two of you have been dating. But this is not a good sign that he could not be open and transparent with you.

Does he see you as too ''ladylike'' to attend the beer festival?

Anyway I look at it I don't think he's entirely who you think he is. Hiding something like this suggests to me that he thought he could enjoy himself more and have a better time with these gals if you were not there, rather than if he were there.

Here's the rule I used when dating: is a partner a ''keeper'' or not?

Total trust on both sides, no matter what. No secrets. No ''economic with the truth. No lies.

When I could share anything and not feel it would backfire, or not feel I would be too harshly ''judged,'' then that's a good sign.

If I felt I didn't want to reveal a particular aspect or something that had occurred or was going to occur, that's a bad sign.

If there was any area I felt the need to be more guarded about, that's a bad sign.

And if I came across any indications from the other party that they were less than frank, very guarded, very economic with the truth, then I knew it meant there was not total trust.

I first learnt this rule from my cousin. I told her something that I only felt able to share with her. Then her fiance made a joke about what had happened to me, and could only have found out by her telling him. I was hurt. But my cousin reminded me that she and her intended had no secrets whatsoever. That's the way they intended to be for the rest of their lives.

One of my dearest friends is the same. She and her husband are a total team.

They know absolutely everything about each other, warts and all, and adore each other all the same.

I set out to settle for nothing less. Secrets from the person you have to be able to trust 100% ? Never. As it destroys trust. A strong relationship by definition has no cracks where doubt and lies can seep in.

Not having total 100% trust, not being able to be who you truly are and express who you truly are is a recipe for disaster to strike later: ''he/she wasn't the man/woman I thought he/she was.

''

It indicates that their mindset is :

''You can't handle the truth''

So it's a double whammy when you discover the lie.

Sit him down and tell him how hurt you are. If he gives lame excuses that, ''they only invited me'' or worse ''they didn't want you there'' or ''i didn't think you'd like it'' or ''you don't drink'' or ''i thought you would have the time to attend'' or ''there wasn't enough room in the car''or worst of all, ''i thought i'd have a better time without you there'' or ''i wanted to let my hair down'' (what? He can't party hard if you are there''

If it brings about a commitment to total trust, transparency, openess then well and good. If it brings better empathy, a genuine apology, a promise to always keep you in the loop in the future then maybe there is a chance the relationship could work.

Or, depending on which lame excuse he offers for first lying to you and then for why he didn't keep you in the loop, and why the wishes of the other girls surpassed being respectful towards you, or any other excuse then decide if his explanation is sufficient to keep seeing him or grounds to suspect that things can only get worse.

He's now proved he can tell you lies. It really is not a good sign. You decide.

Do you want to go on like this, wondering what his next lie will be?

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (7 May 2015):

Honeypie agony auntWhy not simply ask him why you weren't invited? And I would also have a conversation about lying (or omitting the truth).

My guess is... he DIDN'T want you there. IF so, he should have been honest anyways. HE should be able to do things with his friends (gender is irrelevant) without HAVING to invite you. And on the other hand one would PRESUME that he would WANT you to come and have fun with them all.

Talk to him. Don't make drama, just ask.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2015):

I don't know how long you have been together and how serious it is. But what he did is plainly wrong.

It was stupid of him to lie annd than post or let someone else post it on the FB where you can see.

Now, he may have lied if he thought that you would mind if he told you that he wanted to go there without you.

One thing is certain - he didn't want you there. How badly do you mind?

Have you ever made him feel uncomfortable for spending some time with his friends (especially female ones) without you? How uncomfortable are you when he does that?

I wouldn't dump him, unless I really stopped caring for him. I'd first tell him that I feel sad that he thought that he shouldn't tell me at all and ask him why he didn't tell me.

I wouldn't ask him straight away (or maybe not at all) why he didn't invite me.It's obvious that he wanted to be alone with hs friends.

If you mind him having that need or him having a best friend who happens to be a woman (you said you din't, but...) than you should discuss it with him. I know that these two facts shouldn't bother you. But be honest with yourself if they do than you have to face it that on some level you may not be compatible.

Now, concerning having a best friend who is a woman... that can be tricky... In my experience someone almost always wants something more.

I hope things work out.

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