A
female
age
41-50,
*DISTOGAL
writes:My boyfriend is currently deployed. On 3 separate occasions we have made plans for me to travel to see him and he has canceled for one reason or another. Initially I bought into his excuses, but at this point I am skeptical. We have only been dating for 9 months and he has been deployed for 8. In all other ways he is a model BF. We talk every day, he sends gifts and surprises and is overall very supportive. We have spoken extensively about the future and getting married. It just feels as if he does not want me over THERE. BTW - we are not kids. I am 45 and he is 40. Should I hang in there or cut my losses. I love him, but I don't want to waste time. I am trying to avoid a broken heart.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2020): I've served in the military, and I've never heard of people visiting a soldier under deployment. Usually because they are under orders; and often have to be moved, or could be called into action at any second. I don't think you understand how active-duty military works.
He'll visit you when given leave, it's not likely you can visit him; even if he's stationed somewhere where there is no actual battle going. He lives on the base, often restricted to civilians; and they may close-off the base when soldiers are placed on alert, or must be immediately transported to a location where hostilities have occurred.
Have you actually asked him why he has cancelled our visits? I
f you plan to be a military wife someday, you might want to get a full understanding of that that entails. He isn't free to come and go as he pleases; and he may be in and out of training or briefings. If he is an officer, he is in charge of a battalion, platoon, or flight of soldiers; and he has very little time for himself.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 February 2020):
 When you say deployed.... DO you mean overseas assignment?
Because a "deployment" means he is in a war-zone or in a area where war/combat have recently ended OR in a "staging" area where troops either R&R or prepare to GO to war-zone.
So I'm ASKED where he is at, basically. You don't have to name the country . but if it's an overseas assignment like Italy, Japan, South Korea, Guam, Germany, The UK etc... I can see WHY you would want to go visit. If he is in Somalia, Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria... etc. Then maybe not so much.
The thing is he MIGHT not have as much time off as you think he does, at least not enough to get to spend time with you. It all depends on his rank, MOS (what type of work he does) and the NEEDS of his unit. It's really that simple. He might have tried to get time off, again, The NEEDS of the Military trumps everything.
OR... he doesn't want you to sit in a different country and having to do things by yourself and barely see him. When my husband and I were stationed in Germany I saw LESS of him then I had when we were previous in the US. He worked MUCH longer hours there. From 5am - 8/9 pm. Which meant I was not getting much time with him. Out KIDS didn't get to see him much either. But because we were married I would see him at night and occasionally he would have days off.
And while you two talk about this like marriage... you barely know him IN PERSON, this is TOO soon. You got to spend 1 MONTH together, before he "moved elsewhere". So maybe he is just not sure it's a GOOD idea for this so soon. Which, to me... makes sense.
How long is his assignment? (deployment)? Does he get to come back to the States? If so maybe HE can visit you?
What were his reasons? Did they make sense?
My guess is also this, YOU two don't know each other as well as you think. Sure, you have been "talking" for the past 8 months online/phone/text but that really IS not the same as spending time in person. You might "LOVE" who you think he is. I'd say slow you roll here a bit. And I think you are now starting to doubt him because you ARE not so sure (maybe because of distance and lack of ACTUAL physical interactions) that he is as interested as you are. Though his actions kind of seem like he is.
And I think you SHOULD bring up your concerns, if this is a guy you potentially can see a future with.
I'm just not sure he is "just" stringing you along.
The Military is not an easy "life-style".
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