A
female
age
36-40,
*ulipDaisy
writes:Hello, I am a 30 year old virgin and have recently started dating an older man who is 34 and I suspect he is also a virgin. My main worry is that I am a UK size 22 and he is very very skinny and only a couple of inches taller then me. The whole dating thing is completely new to me and it appears it is to him too, not that we have spoken about it. At first the weight difference bothered me but it's bothering me less and less each time I see him, cuddling on the sofa is awkward as he seems to always cuddle me but I can't easily lean on him as he's rather boney and I'm scared I will hurt him!The difference in our body sizes doesn't bother him as I asked him. He has spoken to his friends and family about me and shown some of them a photo of me. I keep worrying about everything eg. my weight, his weight, what people will think, how sex will work out if we get that far, and it's driving me insane. I find him attractive even tho he isn't my usual 'type' and genuinely enjoy spending time with him, even if the kissing and cuddling feels awkward at times!The feeling of being with someone out and about is also so strange I constantly worry what other people are thinking about us eg'why is that skinny guy with that chubby girl' etc. I'm pretty sure he finds me attractive as hes told me he thinks I'm beautiful and gorgeous and had an erection when cuddling/kissing me the other day.What I think I'm trying to ask in a round about way, has/is anybody else been in the same situation? If so how have you/are you dealing with it? Any advice, comments and information would greatly be appreciated. Thank you, TulipDaisy
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2014): OP are you looking for an accessory or a boyfriend? Because if you want to please other people then go buy yourself a nice handbag you can show off, otherwise just enjoy being with this guy you so obviously like that sounds like a nice person.
New relationships can be awkward enough without wondering how you look as a couple to others. He's a person not a fashion statement and if you can't get over how other people view you then it's probably best you stay single.
The physical stuff is understandable and normal, it'll take a while to get used to each other physically and stuff like the most comfortable way to snuggle, the best sexual positions etc. That's all fine but seriously, OP, you need to decide whether being with him is more important than what people think of you. I've dated women who gave too much of a shit about that stuff and they were a chore. Would get pissed off if I didn't look immaculate beside them, one look from someone else that "confirmed" their suspicion and they'd feel awkward and reclusive the entire date. Worse then is that when they started to feel comfortable with me it became about me having to look perfect while out with them or they'd literally be pissed off the entire time or even just go home.
Worst of all though, OP, is they spend the entire time focussed on everyone else and not me, and any attention to me they did pay was mainly to criticise something I did, a joke I made or the way I'm sitting because oh my god "what will people think?"
I'd call it a day if I were him, OP, maybe you're not like those women I've dated but it's bad you care about such a superficial thing that more than just implies he's not good enough for you, it says you feel how you look together is kind of more important than anything he has to offer you.
if you ask me he doesn't stand a chance of developing anything with you because all you're waiting for a is a trigger to confirm your insecurities. One friend to make on little joke or one person to look at you the wrong way on the street and it'll be a deal breaker for you.
My advice, OP, decide whether it's important to you or whether it's an irrational fear and treat it accordingly. And while you deal with it make sure you don't turn into a mother and start criticising shit he does because it might make people think certain things about you. You're on a date, other people are just part of the scenery, their feelings, opinions and thoughts are irrelevant. You're there to impress him and allow him to impress you, that can't happen if you're only focus is on impressing everyone else because trust me you will turn into a mother who just finds flaws in everything about him while out and not one of those mothers either, the type that will chastise her kids and embarrass them in front everyone.
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (17 August 2014):
 If you worry about things like this you'll drive yourself crazy. Bodys are all diferent. no one cares! forget about it! Follow your hearst not your concepts of what others think.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2014): I believe you're over-thinking things and you have to get used to dating. Sometimes people have incompatible personalities, and sometimes we have incompatible body-types.
Rather than struggle, it may be best to move on and find what works for you. You sound mismatched.
I think you have the normal concerns anyone would have, when there are visible differences. You can't worry about what other people think.
If all you can do is find fault with everything, why are you still dating him?
I think as you get to know and like him, a lot of your concerns will subside. Being a virgin is naturally going to make you feel nervous and shy; simply because you have little experience in dating, and no sexual experience.
I think the real awkwardness will come when you decide to become intimate for the first time. Not because of size differences, but no one is going to know exactly what they're doing. You may think he's a virgin at 34, but most likely he's not.
If the awkwardness continues, you're always uncomfortable, and you can't make reasonable adjustments; you'll just have to find yourself a beefier sexually-experienced boyfriend.
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