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My boyfriend is verbally abusive when he is drunk

Tagged as: Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (17 July 2007) 13 Answers - (Newest, 3 January 2013)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, *_skye_x writes:

This might sound like quite a minor problem but it really gets me down - my bf is lovely n kind etc and ive bin with him for over a year. but when he gets drunk he completely changes and is really nasty to me. he calls me a slut/whore etc and just basically slags me off and makes me cry. he leaves me when we're out so i have to get home by myself in the early hours of the morning. He's even been racist and told me 'to go back to my own country' even though I was born here, too. He's more often sober than not - this only happens when we socialise with friends or decide to go out to a bar/club/pub and he has a few too many. He says he wont stop drinking, and is sorry the next day but it always happens again. What should I do? Usually he is really nice - should I just ignore it or wait to see if he does really change this time?

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A female reader, Beckylynn United States +, writes (3 January 2013):

Please consider your safety!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2007):

Every weekend my boyfriend would get hammered, leave me at home then when he came crawling home at 5 in the morning he would tell me he was going to stop drinking and change and for me to stay. Every weekend i fell for it he would convice me that this was the time he would change but it never happened. u know why? Cos there too comfortable he doesnt have to change cos he can treat me like shit for no reason and get away with it..you have to stop this before somthing bad happens. trust me.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2007):

i know what your going threw..i have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and at first he would be the nicest drunk then it was just name calling and beening mean when drunk..hes a great guy when sober but when hes drunk he changes. At first i just told myself hes drunk he doesnt konw what hes doing, he doenst mean it.we wouldnt have been fighting or agruing it would come from no where. i would brush it off be mad at him for a day when he would scream and yell and say the meanest things to me.He would apologize and say everything i need to hear to stay, but then it got worse the screaming and yelling got worse and it became way to personal. now its threats to myself and my family and i should have seen the signs. im only 20 and i have gone threw this way too long..it started out nothing but i konw personally its hard to leave but you cant let yourself be treated this way if u dont stop it now it will get worse trust me. you cant ignore whats going on. if u keep letting him get away with it he will only try to hurt you more doenst matter how much he says he loves you.trust me my boyfriend says he loves me and treats me good sober.i just let him get away with walking all over me far too long.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2007):

oh my god, all i can say is get a clue this man is nothing but a bully. if he knows this is hurting you then why does he do it again and again. im sure you care for this man greatly but have some respect for yourself and dump this beast before he destroys you.

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A female reader, LauraE United Kingdom +, writes (18 July 2007):

Hi there,

I know someone that gave up alcohol years ago because it turned her from a loving woman into a monster. That is responsible behaviour by someone who values her marriage and friends. Your boyfriend is putting his right to drink above your right to be treated with respect. This is not minor at all – it says much about how little he values your happiness and wishes. It’s him first, and you last every time. So far it’s just verbal abuse, another time he may hurt you. You must leave him now before it gets this far.

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A male reader, Frank B Kermit Canada +, writes (18 July 2007):

Frank B Kermit agony auntI am sure that Nancy Benoit used to just "ignore" Chris Benoits certain behaviors too. That is why she and her son are dead methinks.

Lady, I got two words for you: RUN NOW.

-Frank B Kermit

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A female reader, 911help United States +, writes (17 July 2007):

911help agony auntDoes he remember doing this to you??? He has to make a choice to drink or not to drink. If he is only going to continue drinking, you need to get out now. Things are only going to get worse. He is name calling right now, but in the future, he will be beating you. My husband and I have the same problem. He gave up drinking hard liquor and he doesn't get mean drinking beer. Is there a certain alcohol that he drinks when he gets mean??? My husband is a very very nice guy but hard liquor will turn him into my worst nightmare and has. Hope you can get to the core of this. Good Luck!

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A female reader, YummyMummy United Kingdom +, writes (17 July 2007):

YummyMummy agony auntMinor problem?

I think I would class this as quite a bit more then minor hunni.

If he wont stop drinking and see's nothing wrong with what he is doing then I think you should think about ending it as it doesn't matter that he is more sober then not. He SHOULD NOT be calling you anything whether he's drunk, or sober or whatever. Especially resorting to racist comments.

xxxxxxxxx

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2007):

hunny, do you really want a bf who will do that every time? it's for your safety you might even fall into a pit of depression from his actions if he won't quit or drink less ( which you can tell hi to when socializing) quit this relationship every gril deserves a good gyuy not ones thats mean to them i know this because my mother fell in love with a drunk she left him and he finally got sober they tried dating it didn't work out.. moral is hunny, quit this relationship. it's not worth it. you deserve someone better who won't call you names or anything. drunk or not.

hope it works out

Samelia

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A female reader, penta United States +, writes (17 July 2007):

penta agony auntThis is NOT a minor problem. NO ONE gets to call you a slut, etc., EVER, under any circumstances.

You need to run like your ass is on fire. Dump him. You deserve so much better. If you don't leave him, you are telling him that it's okay to treat you this way; it's NOT.

You would benefit from some Al-Anon meetings: http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/ These are for families and friends of alcoholics. Check them out.

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A male reader, NuVu United States +, writes (17 July 2007):

This is NOT minor problem. You need to get out of this relatonship NOW. Its obvious that your self-esteem has already taken a hit and if you continue to stay your esteem will drop so dramatically that you won't have the courage or willpower to leave later on. Those emotional beatings he gives you can be more difficult to heal that physical ones.

Many cel phones and mp3 players have voice recorders on them. Do your soon to be ex-boyfriend a favor and leave him a recording of himself when he's drunk. Maybe that will provide a wakeup call for him.

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A female reader, bemused Canada +, writes (17 July 2007):

bemused agony auntHi hun

This does not sound like a minor problem as you put it. I read your question three times and was struck how many times you defended this behavior by saying things like...usually he is so nice. It is this type of thinking that is keeping you in this situation but the fact that you have posted a question here about it means you know that something is very wrong here....and it is. If you continue on like this two things will no doubt happen. Your self esteem will dip to the point where you think that this is all you can expect and deserve in a relationship and you will begin to lose touch with what a healthy relationship could be. There are many defintions of what a healthy relationship is. What a healthy relationship is not is someone calling you names like slut and whore. This is NOT acceptable. You have three choices. You can stay in this situation(not recommended). You can sit down with your boyfriend immediately and request that he seek out help for his drinking. He may deny he has a problem or he may do as you ask. It could go one way or the other. The other alternative is that you leave this relationship....move on as they say and have some fun...I note your age and think you are due. Keep us posted hun...we are here to help.xxxx

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2007):

Sweetheart,

Ive been through this kind of behaviour and its nasty and not worth the pain your left with, He realises what he is like he knows its wrong he says he is sorry.... BUT! He wont stop the very thing that causes it. DRINK!

The only advise I can offer you other than your worth more than this... Is not to be around him when he is drinking.

You could do alot better for yourself, The things he says are terrible and in the end these things could give you a very low oppinion of yourself being that they are said by the very person who is supposed to love and cherish and protect you. Hunny its your choice at the end of the day but I would think very hard about the future with a man like this.

YOU TAKE CARE LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

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