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My boyfriend is not ready to settle down...

Tagged as: Dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 March 2008) 9 Answers - (Newest, 2 April 2008)
A female United States age 30-35, *9agegap writes:

Being with someone who's not ready to commit

I've brought up this topic several times with my bf. I said I want to get married in around 3 year's time. He said he'll definitely not get married in 3 years, and when I asked further, he said he dunno when he'll be ready to settle down. Which is fair enough. But I'm 27, and I do not have much time to wait for him to realize he wants to settle down. We've only been dating for half a year. My take is see how it goes for a while more, say 3-6 months....and tell him that I want to settle down in 3-4 years max (not necessarily with him) and if he still does not see a long term future with me, then I have no choice but to leave him. What do you think? I know for guys, they hate commitment and they hate to discuss about this. My bf thinks that things have been going on great and he loves what we had together...see no reason for urgency and wants to see how things go. However, that sounds like an excuse all guys give when they don't want commitment. He said he knows that we want different mid term goals..... Please, any advice would be appreciated.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2008):

he's over 30

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008):

How old is he then? If he is younger than you, and maybe in his first serious relationship you'll have to accept the fact that the thought of commitment freaks him out a bit. It's not just that he's "a guy". You say you're 27. If he's younger he may not have a lot of friends that have taken the next step with relationships yet, no "example" to look at so to speak. Also, if this is his first serious relationship it is only natural to think "what if?". It does in no way mean he doesn't love you, but I sure understand his fear. Give him some time. And for heaven's sake, don't pretend your life will change dramatically at 30, cause it won't. There's never any hurry to find the right guy. Anyway, you probably already have. Just keep in mind that pressuring someone is the best way to lose them.

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A female reader, Laura1318 Malaysia +, writes (9 March 2008):

Laura1318 agony auntIn 2 years time , anything can happen. You may keep your options open.

If someone better comes along , you can grab that opportunity and leave him trailing behind.

Otherwise , you will just bob aimlessly with him .But you would be making plans for your own wedding with or without him.

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A female reader, 19agegap United States +, writes (9 March 2008):

19agegap is verified as being by the original poster of the question

he's already told me straight he doesn't see himself getting married in 2 years....and he doesn't know when he'll settle down. Which is fair on his side....but yes, my clock is ticking.

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A female reader, Laura1318 Malaysia +, writes (9 March 2008):

Laura1318 agony auntYou can talk to him during one of your conversations and ask him what kind of wedding he would prefer. Speak to him causally to get his ideas.

2 or 3 years would be ideal. More than that is too long.

If he is committed , he can plan the wedding in 2 years time.

If you have no plans , you are just like bobbing in the ocean without any directions.

You cannot afford to waste your time.

Your biological clock is ticking.

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A female reader, 19agegap United States +, writes (9 March 2008):

19agegap is verified as being by the original poster of the question

i am very torn as well.......but I do want a wedding. The wedding dress, and all the works. And I just do not see myself in a relationship with no 'future'. The thing is I know 6 months is a pretty short time for him to commit to something yet I also feel that if a guy is not ready to settle down, he would not miraculously want to settle down in another 6 months, 1 year etc....What I hope is we can compromise something. If 2-3 years is too soon for him, maybe 4-5 years? If he can't even compromise and cover my interests....I think I will always be unhappy and there's no point. The problem is...I do not know how to bring it up

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A male reader, Uncle Trev United Kingdom +, writes (8 March 2008):

If you are together and he is taking responsibility for his side of the relationship then what is the big thing about getting married.

Marriage is not the major institution today that it has been in the past and I am quite surprised how and why some people place such a huge importance upon it.

By the sound of it you are together and things are pretty good. Maybe he will feel commitment regarding buying a property with you in the future or having a family. These things are important and are more important than going for a bit of paper saying you are married.

After all - it is only a contract that you make to each other and a verbal contract you make to each other can be made between the two of you any time you like.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2008):

Everyone is different. Some blokes go out with you and by the first date they are planning the future other take years. If you feel that you cannot wait around for him to be ready then have a good long chat with him and let him know how you feel. It is early days at 6 months so dont be surprised if the answer isnt the one you want to hear. Just decide what you want and stick by it. You may end up ending this relationship and meeting someone who wants to be committed 100% to you. Have that chat.

take care

xx

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A female reader, Laura1318 Malaysia +, writes (8 March 2008):

Laura1318 agony auntYou need to have a plan for your future if you are in a serious relationship.

If he cannot plan or don't want to plan , then he is just in for the fun only.

You want to move forward but he wants to stay at the same position.

Your wants are incompatible.

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