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My boyfriend is lying about porn again. what are my options?

Tagged as: Dating, Pornography, Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 May 2017) 8 Answers - (Newest, 1 June 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, *as101 writes:

Hi i've been in a relationship with my partner for a few years, the beginning was perfect great sex almost every day.

He would always please me go down on me and stuff, compliments all the time he made me feel sexy and confident.

we even watched porn together and we agreed we would only watch it together, then about 2 years in to our relationship the sex died down to about once a week if i was lucky.

We stopped watching porn together over time which i was not fussed about at all no more compliments

I started feeling paranoid about my body every time i initiated sex he would say he tired or hes just not in the mood for it he stopped going down in me too which made me super paranoid about my vag.

I know i dont have the perfect vagina but this made me feel as if i was disguting down there and i would always go down on him so its only fair he would do the same right?

I would ask him if he was watching porn and he would get all shitty with me having ago at me saying im paranoid and crazy a pshyco cause

I would bring this up all the time he rejected sex, and he promised he would never hurt my feelings, so this made me feel really bad for questioning him.

I felt like a complete bitch who maybe was a phsyco, a few months on i was typing somthing into the laptop This porn page came up, my heart literally shattered as i had been made to feel like a paranoid bitch phsyco, and all along i was right when i showed him the page he was in shock

I was more upset then angry that he lied to me his excuse was that sometimes it doesnt feel as good when he orgasms so he was using porn to see if would help.

This really hurt me as it made me feel like i wasn't good enough for him i didnt turn him on and made me feel like my body was disgusting.

he apologized and promised with all his heart he would never do it again swore down, fast forward 3 years here we are in the same situation our sex life has pretty much gone

I'm lucky if i get it once a month now he never goes down on me foreplay lasts for about 20secs while he gets the whole package, and i always have at the back of my head that hes watching porn.

I went away for the weekend when i got back we had sex it was good but we only had sex Once that month and when he came hardly anything came out next day

I asked if hed been watching porn he got all defensive saying im nuts and crazy saying this is why we never have sex i moan all the time its not sexy which i understand but i said if we had sex more often or if you payed more compliments and showed that he loved me we wouldnt be in this situation.

Any way we had a talk i said please just be honest with me i wont get angry i just want to know the truth, it took him a few minutes and he said hes been watching it.

I feel heartbroken and crushed as he been lying to me again for all these years making me out to be a fucking nutter when i was right all along he said hes upset that hes hurt me, i Dont no what to do now, i know alot of people enjoy porn but why do it when you have a girlfriend whos willing to please you when you want, i just feel so sad and numb i havnt even cried im sorry if this sounds stupid but i cant help feeling like this i just feel really worthless at the moment

View related questions: crush, foreplay, heartbroken, his ex, in the mood, orgasm, porn, sex life, vagina

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (1 June 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntI wouldn't see it as six years down the drain I would see it as get on now while you can. You are insecure and if he makes you feel so bad then that is never going to change, so if you want to spend the rest off your life feeling like this then stay with him. But surgery is not going to change anything.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (1 June 2017):

N91 agony auntIt's not stupid at all.

I've always said this, I cannot for the life of me understand why someone would rather watch porn than have sex with their partner. It truly baffles me.

Well, you're not sexually satisfied and you've established that he's a liar.

Don't think for one second you HAVE to make this work because you've been together for 6 years. So what? People break up after 10 years, 20, 30. If someone isn't right for you theyre not right for you it's simple as that.

Do you honestly think in a good relationship that one partner feels that unnatractive that they need surgery? Let's be realistic.

I think you know what to do but like you said you're scared of this being 'time down the drain'. Have some self respect and dump this waster.

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A female reader, Sas101 United Kingdom +, writes (1 June 2017):

Sas101 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I never used to have body issues i was about 13 stone at one point and i got a PT lost a load of weight now im 9stone, the fact is that he never EVER compliments me he never tells me he loves me i am so hurt by this so of course im going to get jealous and paranoid about my body as he would rather get off to porn then have sex with me if he gave me compliments and made me feel sexy then i probably would not give a shit that he was watching it, im even considering surgery as i feel so shit in myself that i really do think if i were to become single no other man would find me attractive of sexy, i just want tis to work otherwise its 6 years down the drain

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (30 May 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntYour worries about your body are your own, its not his fault you feel insecure. Honestly he keeps lying to you because I bet if he admitted the truth he knows you would be even more insecure. He is wrong for lying off course he is, and if you feel like crap in this relationship then it means it is not working and it is time for you to move on.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2017):

Eh, I think you should forget about the porn thing. Almost every single guy watches porn. It's no replacement for the real thing, and they know that. BUT a girl who is insecure about the way she looks and nags a guy is extremely unattractive and will seriously turn him off, making him turn to porn more frequently. My advice would be to act self-confident and sexy again (it doesn't matter if you don't actually feel confident - fake it til you make it!). Make him chase you a bit again. Once you start letting go of your resentment and start focusing on yourself, your happiness, and your confidence, he'll start getting interested again.

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A male reader, Been there Now over it United States +, writes (30 May 2017):

Porn can be a very addicting thing for many men, and it has really bitten hard on your boyfriend. Most if not all men have a strong desire to have sex with I don't see him abstaining for more than short periods. He may make promises but he will probably continue to sneak porn.

As you've experienced, this is the kind of thing that gets worse and worse. I don't think an ultimatum will help...you'll just find yourself continually disappointed and more and more depressed. As you've invested six years in this person, I don't like telling you to leave him. But chances that he will change for the better are very, very small. Time to leave.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2017):

It's certainly not stupid for you to feel this way. It sounds as if he's hiding an addiction to porn from you. This is not uncommon. Just google it and you'll find out how many men go through this. It makes them disinterested in sex with their partners at the least and at the worst unable to enjoy real sex with anyone. They find masturbating to porn far more pleasurable.

You need to try to have a real conversation with him about this. Address your concerns and feelings about this in a non-accusatory manner. There is help for him but he has to want to get that help himself. If he refuses and starts putting blame on you or accusing you of being nuts, psycho, etc, then you need to reconsider this relationship. I know it's hard when you've been together for several years, but it will get worse for you not better. You're young and should not waste too much time on trying to fix this without his cooperation.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2017):

Personally I feel this is the point many men miss about porn . If they want to watch porn then it becomes avsolutely vital that they show at least twice as much desire for their partners body than they do for the women in porn otherwise they risk her wondering why he is showing so much interest in another woman's body and so little on hers . Many men are happy to show e Treme lust for the porn women the resent giving the tiniest compliment to their partner then wonder why she feels like crap .., helloooooo

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