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My boyfriend is like a magnet to girls with issues!

Tagged as: Dating, Friends, Health, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (3 August 2014) 2 Answers - (Newest, 3 August 2014)
A female Australia age 30-35, anonymous writes:

My boyfriend attracts girl friends with issues. When I first got with him he had a female friend that he was texting every day to tell her how pretty and awesome she was. He did this cos she was depressed and he was afraid she'd hurt herself if she wasn't cheered up regularly. It really upset me when I found out about this as I thought it was crossing a line. Eventually the girl said he should stop texting her as it was probably upsetting me.

I told him how much his behavior had upset me and he began making an effort to make his interactions with females less personal and inappropriate. He has had several female friends who message him a lot but he has kept from crossing any lines.

In the last year or so he's made a new female friend. Unlike the other girl, this one has a boyfriend. But he doesn't listen to her like she wants him to. This girl cuts herself often when she is feeling down. My boyfriend is the only one she will talk to about her problems. He recommended she go to a councilor. She did once but hasn't again. He's being careful not to cross any lines and I think she's trying to respect my boundaries too. We've met once. But I feel uncomfortable with another girl considering my boyfriend the only person she can talk to. It doesn't bother me enough for me to try to put a stop to it but I was wondering if anyone has any idea why my boyfriend may attract girls like this? It's tiring for him to deal with them and try to keep them from hurting themselves and makes me uncomfortable. I want to figure out how he attracts them so I can try to work out how to steer them away from him in the future.

View related questions: depressed, has a boyfriend, text

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2014):

Your boyfriend has a bit of a "White Knight Complex" and has a very strong sense of compassion. The only problem is, THEIR problems become HIS problems. His problems become your problems.

Word gets out on guys like that. I had to overcome that problem in myself. I have a caretaker personality. I tend to want to take care of people; sometimes at my own inconvenience and self-sacrifice. Going one-step beyond the call of duty. My life-partner patiently dealt with it until he had enough. He worked very hard with me, to help me to overcome this habit.

Teaching me when to not jump when the phone went-off, not to drop everything, or get jittery worrying about friends or family. He can't be everybody's hero and superman. People will take advantage of him. In a very greedy and selfish way.

I get a lot of satisfaction knowing someone came to me and I was able to make things better. Being a part of their support-system. That shouldn't be a one-man task.

There should be different resources, and people to depend on. Self-reliance should be everyone's main resource. That's essential for survival.

You can also over-feed into insecurity, ineptness, and dependency.

So you have to draw the line. Sometimes professional help is better than what he or I can offer. That's taking a lot of responsibility into his hands, and he has to be very careful with people who cut themselves, or are suicidal.

That it very dangerous and serious territory for a laymen to be treading. Even on DC, being an uncle or aunt; we know when to step away, and suggest that an OP seek professional help. We can always offer comfort and unprofessional opinion and advice. That's the safe-place your boyfriend must learn to stay within. Feeling noble is fine, but over-stepping authority is dangerous.

You can't answer every beck and call; because people will depend too much on you. It becomes stressful and draining. You don't always have the answers, and it is exhausting.

You have been very patient and understanding; but he needs you to suggest when "to put a lid on it," so to speak.

Compassion is a very strong emotion, and there are some of us who feel very guilty when we let people down. My parents taught as as children to be good Samaritans. Don't turn your back on the needy, or leave people hanging in desperate times. They also taught us when it was inappropriate; but you can get caught-up, and cross the boundaries. People will track you down, and won't let up. They can be quite persistent. That's when you can't shake them loose. That will wear him down. He'll lose patience and feel stressed-out.

I think your boyfriend may have grown-up in the same environment. It's rare in these times, he is quite young. He needs you to help him to get a handle on it. He respects your feelings; but he shouldn't place you in the position of having to remind him he has a girlfriend. As did my partner, when calls came in at late hours of the night; even when I was at work. My female-friends having boyfriend issues, or just my/our friends needing a shoulder to cry on. People gravitate to people who listen and care.

You wouldn't be unkind or selfish to help him to curb it a little; because the problem is that he will become the stand-in boyfriend, or fill-in, for needy dependent-types.

They will brush you aside if you let them. Needy people are very selfish. They are starved for attention, and crave sympathy.

The will lean on him until they drain him; leaving very little of him for you. He needs you to remind him this can happen. Just leave the bitchy girlfriend underneath out of it. You have a good-man. He needs you to pull back on the reigns a little. You seem like a great girlfriend to have put up with it without dumping him. As was my partner, looking back in hind-sight. He passed away.

He will never lose this strong urge to be helpful; but you must remind him when enough is enough.

Some of it is his ego. That's when you've gotten a big head; and just love soaking-up all the praise and gratitude. You shouldn't help people for these reasons. That's narcissistic. It can go to your head, and I'm careful not to allow that part to happen to me. I have friends, colleagues, and family who don't hesitate to let me know. So I do have a safety-valve.

You have been doing okay with how you've handled it, but you must never allow apathy or jealousy be the motivation behind your "gentle-distraction" from his complex. "Apply more pressure when needed."

He may have other reasons that drive him to be so empathetic towards females in particular; not all of this is innocent. He may also like the attention and power he feels in being the "go-to guy."

All things in moderation, and for the right purpose.

You should never play second-fiddle to "needy-chicks;" and none of these damsels in distress should come between you.

You have every right to put your foot down; when he isn't aware when Lancelot needs to get a grip. Tactfully remind him when too many calls are coming in from other females; and give him "constructive" (not bossy) suggestions when he gets too caught-up saving "princesses in burning towers."

They need to get a grip, or find their own boyfriends. There are fakes who prey on good-boyfriend material, and they have ulterior motives. He is grown-up and smart enough to know this. Hold him to that. He shouldn't push your trust to the limits. Tell him I said so.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2014):

My husband is like this. He has quite a few woman who he speaks to and texts who all have major problems and only turn to him to help although they all have family, boyfriends etc. My husband is very friendly, mature and calm and maybe your boyfriend is the same which is why these girls gravitate to him. I personally don't like these women contacting my husband because it is very frequent and they all seem to go from one crisis to the next. I have told him that I don't like it but he says that I am just being ridiculous - I am not!! I think a lot of men also like being perceived as the great healer / listener and it kind of plays to their egos. I would be quite careful here because this level of emotional sharing can turn into a relationship further dowm the line as such 'special' things have been shared that you are not party to. Keep an eye on this. I don't think there is any way you can steer him away from girls like this or even recognize which girls will turn to someone like him for help and advice so you just need to keep your wits about you and ensure he is not overstepping any boundaries, doing anything behind your back.

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