A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 32 and my boyfriend is 28 and we have been together for about 8 months. Once he gets enough money to pay for his divorce he will file it, since he hasn't seen his wife in like 2 years. They are over each other. He also has a child that he doesn't see but pays child support to and he had the kid when he was 20. Anyway, I have never been married and I don't have kids. I have been engaged a few times but I ended it with them. I am in nursing school right now and have two more years. My boyfriend is starting online school next week because he just got out of the military. He is working part time like me, so we are very busy. He said he would think about trying to have kids with me in like a year or two, and I agree that I want to be done with school. Today he said "I'm in no rush to get married again" when he said he didn't have the money to pay the divorce quite yet and that he doesn't want to take from his savings to pay for it (it's only like $200) and that he would be fine not doing it for another six months. I said he should just get it over with and that's when he said he is in no rush to get married anytime soon. I told him that sounded kind of harsh considering I'm in a relationship with him. I told him he shouldn't let one bad marriage ruin his thoughts of ever doing it again. He said he is young and not "45" as in I guess he would feel like time is running out if he is 45 and that he should settle down by then. I took this personally even if I shouldn't have. Marriage and kids are not on my agenda at the moment either, but i guess i feel like they will never be on his. I don't want to be his "in the meantime" girlfriend until he is done with school and owning his own business and making the amount of money he wants to make. That could take years. Should I just be happy that he loves me and we are together and happy for the most part? I feel like he has baggage from his past that makes him not excited about marriage and a family anymore and I've never even experienced those things. What should I do?
View related questions:
divorce, engaged, military, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA few weeks ago he did say he wanted a kid probably just in awhile and he has said he sees a future with me. I am just going to focus on school the next two years and let him bring up the topics if he wants. School is my top priority right now and I want to be done with school before I have a baby anyway so in a way I should just relax because I have time. It would be different if I was 38 and done with school and had good money and dated him for years and was still waiting to have a kid. I used to care about marriage a lot but now I don't care as long as they love me and I could have a kid without being married but I do want the guy to raise it with me and have us be a family
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyeah he wasn't definite and said someday he would do that (both things) or at least think about it but he wants to get himself straight first and be financially stable. I get that because i want to finish school and have money as well (and that will be 2 years for me).
...............................
A
male
reader, devont  +, writes (1 July 2015):
 Personally, I wouldn't worry too much that he doesn't want to get married again soon. As long as he doesn't say he NEVER wants to get married again, who cares if eight months into a relationship he isn't ready for marriage?He also didn't say he never wanted to get divorced, he even put a timeframe of six months on it, which sounds reasonable to me. Why the rush to get divorced anyway if they've been separated for so long, especially if he doesn't have much cash spare?HOWEVER... He should have reassured you when you took his remarks personally - did he do that at all? Even if he didn't say he wanted to marry you, did he say anything like he wanted to get married again one day? Did he make any reference to your future together? It's hard to say if he just sees you as the 'for now' girlfriend. Have a chat with him. Try to keep it light and just see if he does reassure you that he wants to be with you and that he does want to get married again. If he doesn't or if he makes it clear that by not getting married again soon he means for another 20 years, then maybe it is time to reassess the relationship.
...............................
A
female
reader, Euphoria30  +, writes (1 July 2015):
Dear OP,You're together for only 8 months, so probably for the first half year, everything was about getting to know and love each other, and not really working on the long-term issues. But right now you realize that there may be some compatibility issues in the long run. You have to be clear about what you want and need: If you want children and a proper marriage, this man might not be the right choice.You are 32, like me, giving you probably about 8 more years to make being a mother happen (maybe some more, who knows). If you stick with him for a couple of years, trying to convince him, you'll run the risk of not finding a real prospective dad. So my advice is to find out rather sooner than later if he wants to have another child. And to take his word on it and not hope you can change him.AND, important.. he is NOT seeing his first child. That's what would happen to your baby too, probably, if the two of you didn't get along anymore. I think that's a warning sign.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (1 July 2015):
 I would NOT give up MY dreams because he isn't sure.
I would have the talk about kids and marriage though. IF you want kids and WANT to get married, HE may not be it for you.
I would NOT have kids with a guy who IS NOT my husband (you can call me old-fashioned etc, but that is how I feel). He already has one child that he doesn't even see. An 8 year old. I wouldn't want to have a kid with a guy who would put a child in the world but not give it the effort to be PART of that life. Paying child support is NOT the same as being there for the child.
I Do think he is procrastinating with the divorce, because... NOT being divorced means he can't get marriage ANY TIME SOON. (because, LEGALLY and TECHNICALLY he is STILL married).
For ME, personally, it would be a deal-breaker if a guy doesn't want kids or marriage (IF that is what I want)
You two have only been together 8 months though. But I DO think you need to stick to your guns or you will resent him down the line.
...............................
|
