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My boyfriend is hinting about us moving in together but I don't want to do it for the wrong reasons!

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Question - (3 September 2013) 3 Answers - (Newest, 3 September 2013)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Hello everyone,

I have a question regarding moving in with your significant other.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year and a half. We're both 24, going to (the same) online grad school, and we both have very stable, well-paying (or as well as any fairly-recent college graduate could ask for) jobs. We live a little less than a half hour away from each other now, and both our leases started at the beginning if August. My boyfriend lives with two male friends from college and I live with one female roommate.

He recently confessed to me that he thinks this current year will be the last year that his current living situation will last (his one roommate is looking to buy a house and his other roommate is seriously planning on moving in with his girlfriend after their lease is over).

I know he's mentioning this to me in order to see whether I'll suggest that we move in together or not. I love him so much, and I'd truely hate to see him in a situation where he'd need to move in with a stranger from Craigslist or live by himself if he doesn't feel 100% financially able to do so, but I don't want to make the leap of moving in together for the wrong reasons.

We have stayed over at each other's places a lot by now, so we know our respective habits, so nothing will be a surprise as far as living habits go. We are both willing to compromise in general. I'm just afraid a step like this will be bad for our relationship if its taken too soon, but like I said before, I'd also feel bad leaving him high and dry, so to speak, for a living situation.

Regardless, we both have a little less than a year to directly talk about this, but I was wondering if anyone had any advice/insights?

Thank you!!

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A male reader, Fatherly Advice United States + , writes (3 September 2013):

Fatherly Advice agony auntany advice/insights?

You are looking at the problem wrong. You are thinking it is we move in together of he is high and dry. No it is you move in together or he finds a new roommate or he buys a house or any number of other solutions. So let's simplify it. You need to make a decision. Do you want to move in with him next August? You are not sure, you are afraid that your relationship will not survive being that close. Well that is a good sign that you aren't ready. It is the only sign. From what I can see all the other signs say you should be ready that soon.

So what is missing in the relationship that needs to grow? Is this a first relationship and you don't know if you are ready? Do you have trouble communicating? Do you find yourself guessing what he is trying to say?

11 months is a long time. If you want this and if he wants this (you need to find out first)then you two can plan to grow together and prepare for this next step.


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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (3 September 2013):

chigirl agony auntWhat are the wrong reasons for moving in together?

People, in my experience, move in together when the timing is right, not when they feel the "emotion" of wanting it. Such a feeling is for when you want to pop the question of marriage, me thinks. But moving in and living together? Does there really need to be some choir from heaven to know it is right?

I say, it's the right time when you both need to move/one needs to move, it is practically and physically possible, when you both have been together long enough to know if you want to move it to the next level or not, and when you wouldn't mind spending more time with him.

Unless, you enjoy living on your own and don't want to live together unless you are married. If it feels wrong it feels wrong. But there doesn't need to be any "wrong" or "right" reasons. Either it feels right or it feels wrong, for no matter what reason.

For you, it feels wrong. Because you feel it is pushed and forced. Maybe also because he hasn't really asked you if you should live together either, you just assumed this because you believe he was hinting at it. Rather just ask him what his plans are and have a discussion on the matter. If you are to move in together, at whatever point in life, you need to at least talk about it, not just drop hints here and there.

Both the times I've lived with a boyfriend before it was because it was practical, cheap, and I was in love and wanted to see him as much as possible. I never debated on the reasons for or against, hence why I don't believe any reasons exist. You either like the idea or you don't. You might come to like the idea if he presents it properly to you, or you might still not like it. Just be honest.

The only bad time to move together (in my opinion) is if one partner doesn't want it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2013):

Well done on wanting to take a sensible approach to this.

In terms of duration of your relationship being an indicator of when couples should choose to live together or not, it really depends on the two individuals, their relationship and many other factors. Some people move in pretty soon after meeting and are successfully still together years later or married, others do it years later, and some never do. So a year and a half sounds like a reasonable amount of time for both of you to have evaluated how you feel, what you want from the relationship and what your future goals are.

You're also both at an age where you begin to know what you want. You're not fresh out of school, you have both been working and earning your keep. Grad school for both with similar situations so you can relate on that level too.

Less than half an hour away is also good in being able to see each other without any problem, with your respective leases.

Your boyfriend has mentioned this will be the last year the current living arrangements will continue because his roommates face their own changes, which in turn, is forcing your boyfriend also to change his circumstances.

The factors you should consider are:

You mention you love your boyfriend. Does he feel the same way? Do you have any doubts about that? Is there a future in the relationship? If you are secure about all those, then yes, do it.

What are your principles? Is living together something you are happy with and at peace about? If yes, do it.

The reasons NOT to do it is: your relationship is fine as it is right now, and if you are rushing moving in together for the sake of his living arrangements because his roommates are leaving. Don't do it out of pity, or wanting to make things better for him. It must be a mutually agreed decision, where both will be happy and at peace about it - for the relationship, not for convenience, for practicality, or for finances. Do it because you want to be together all the time, you can't bear to be apart, you spend most of your time at each other's place anyway, and because your relationship evolves so well and quickly that it's the next natural step towards a future together.

Your fear that it's too soon doesn't seem to be the case as you have dated over a year - however, it depends on the level of growth WITHIN the relationship, and as individuals. When you are with the right one, you grow as an individual and as a couple, and the relationship takes natural steps of evolving.

Do not feel bad for leaving him "high and dry" you are not responsible for him that way. His parents were, and he is now, but not you. You are his partner, his girlfriend who is there for the good and bad, but that does not mean you have to move in together because he needs a new roommate.

So unless he has THE TALK/clarifying discussion with you that he really wants to move in with you, has thought about it all along, misses you when you're not together, would love to be with you every day, etc. then it's just for his convenience?

My own example - after meeting my boyfriend, it was instant love and devotion. We spent all our free time together, we "got" each other, we had so much in common, we were crazy about each other in every way that matters - on an emotional level, similar minds, feelings, thoughts and everything just came together naturally. After a mere few months we moved in together, something I had never considered doing but love has a way of overcoming any obstacle, and again, everything works naturally. We get along in every way, even living circumstances and daily situations. Things that most couples fight about like how they live, finances, etc we just don't. We are open and honest, we care about each other, we love each other, we share everything and want each other to be happy, to succeed and are each other's "soft place to fall". We can talk about anything, we respect and admire each other, and we know this is forever. After more than 3 years, we could not be happier. I'm sure at the time if I posted on here about moving in so soon after meeting I would get lots of advice that it's too soon, but for some, when you know, you know! When it is meant to be, it is meant to be :)

So think about your boyfriend, your relationship - how do you feel about him? about the future? are you serious? do you want to be with him all the time? do you miss him when you're apart? Use all of that in making your decisions.

Good luck and be happy!

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