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female
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anonymous
writes: I am a 25 year old female and currently dating a 26 year old man. I care about him very much and we get along very well. The main problem is that he is best-friends with his ex-girlfriend. Although they broke up a year ago, they were intimate right before he and I got together which was four months ago. We have already broken up because I felt like I couldn't deal with this situation.He tells me that they are just friends, but he has given me no reason to believe it. Early in our relationship, he did many favors for her and is always there for her. He is also the godfather to her son, which makes the situation even stickier! They have been friends since the 7th grade, but have been intimate for many years...off and on. They have even cheated on their past boy/girlfriends. All of this information makes me feel very uncomfortable! He says that he wants to be with me and that they are just friends, but I really don't know what to do.I want to be with him, but I just don't trust him with her. What can I do to build trust with him? Or is this a lost cause? Any answer will help.
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male
reader, kolibri  +, writes (16 May 2008):
My current girlfriend also is quite close to her ex and says that they will always be best friends. However, when she starts to with draw from me and seeks advice from him on issues concerning her and myself I start to feel uncomfortable. In addition, I know where he lives but she has never pointed him out to me. She goes to his house, to just sit and chat, visit with his mom, doing Bible studies, singing religious songs,forever drops off things at his house,etc. They call each other almost daily and at all hours of the day and night. Add to that e-mails and it gets to be a bit much. In the beginning she acted quite secretive and thus increased my level of suspicion. While she now tells me when and where she is going that doesn't ease my mind. when private times with her are interrupted by calls, some even initiated by her, I feel I have to set some boundaries. Currently, she has hinted that she needs to " find her way back to God" and that she can only do that if she is all alone?? I am a man of faith myself and would certainly not stay in the way of God and man. However, after three years of financial support and presenting her with a relationship that is not abusive and caring, I wonder whether that is the real or only reason. She will not entertain any offer of support or suggestions tohelp her get through this. Sometimes I wonder whether she has ever forgiven herself for her past digression and now thinks she must fail in the future. In answer to your question: Don't deny him the friendship, but do set boundaries. A relationship that is influenced by discomfort can fester into something more serious. An emotional affair is still an affair and must be dealt with immediately. Ahhh, and there I have an answer to my own dilemma.
All the best to you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2007): I am in this situation currently...I have realised that he is not going to give his ex up for anything, especially since his current circle of close friends he met through her -so it is difficult for him to separate her from his life (even though he never would given the choice) I found that the ex-factor bothered me more and more the less attention he gives me....some guy posted that he can't simply forget that closeness he has/had with his ex but he fails to realise by always acknowledging that closeness and allowing that to be the reason to maintain contact with your ex is why your current relationship suffers...how do you ever expect to get to a level of intimacy and closeness (that could possibly surpass your previous relationship) when you already on the onset maintain a relationship with a significant former love???
My BF says he refuses to budge on the issue and claims to be the only guy who is actually legitimately trustworthy and that i have nothing to worry about...He doesn't understand that I am not worried about him cheating - i am worried about how our relationship can ever become amazing and reach a new level with a significant past love in the future???
Why don't you guys get that???? Do you think its fair that we should be subject to this mental torture??? If you truly love us and want us to feel secure and we are the 'one' then why can you not let the past go inorder to grow your future??? It will NEVER evolve when there are two women - History is hard to compete with...my BF and I are gonna have a big talk this friday...we are very serious and are considering marriage but why should my future have to include HIS ex??? why should my kids have to call his past love 'auntie'???
If you love your current girlfriend than really commit ALL of yourself to her..and i beg you -let your past go...it cannot help foster a strong relationship period
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2007): You have to know your values and what is acceptable to you and then stick with it. And, if you cannot tolerate a situation, get OUT of it. Personally, after having a relationship just demolished over a period of 7 years by former boyfriend's ex I wouldn't tolerate 5 minutes of it if I had to do it over again. Anyone ever heard the term "emotional affair" He told me that he loved his ex like a "dear friend of 20 years" I cannot even do justice to the special kind of hell on earth I lived in as she flirted with him and they did things together and he lived out his enthrallment. But because they had grown kids together I was supposed to understand that sometimes that meant they went out together behind my back, and went shopping together and met with other friends together, but oh, well, if you have grown children together anything goes.
Frankly, if I ever get involved with someone, and it is unlikely because after this piece of work I love being free and single, it is going to be with a man who doesn't even have any women friends and if he has ex's he is just indifferent to them.
I don't get those women who are "best friends" with someone else's husband or boyfriend. I would NEVER do that to another woman. But then, it takes all kinds there are some men and women who are perfectly happy with that kind of arrangement. But, if you are a woman, who cannot handle a man who is best friends with an ex, run, do not walk to get out of there because I promise you those things end badly. Check out "emotional affair."
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2007): I have recently delt with this same situation...coming to the conclusion that...you must face yourself and your own fears FIRST. Is it really the ex-girlfriend that is bothering...or is it the fear that he may be unfaithful, leave you for her, compare you to her, etc...You have to trust that he loves you and that he would never do anything to hurt you. Once you are able to do that, you fear with 'slowly' go away. Of course you will have moments where you have a break down and blow up about it (like all women)...but if you are a strong couple, you will overcome this and soon become comfortable with the fact that they are friends. In my situation, in the beginning, I told my boyfriend that I didn't want him contacting the ex AT ALL...Period. And he did...but then I found myself feeling guilty for pressuring him to make that decision. In the end, I ended up email the ex...explaining to her that I was the reason he was not responding to any of her calls or emails...and that I was sorry for that. I expressed to her that I felt friendship was one of the most important things in life and I wouldn't want to take that away from either of them. Of course, I also expressed how In LOVE he and I are...and that she could never come between us...but I did all of this in a very mature and polite manner. And I feel so much better having expressed all of that to her. (and Yes, my boyfriend knew that I was sending the email...in fact, I let him proof it for me.) To this day, she has not responded to my email, nor has she called or attempted to email "MY MAN" ...so I take it she got the F-n point! Now, I wouldn't care if she did call. Cause I know where my boyfriends heart is...and that is with me! If she does come back into the picture one day...I will greet her with a smile and treat her like I would treat any of his friends, with respect. Good luck to you! I would recommend that if you have the chance that you just talk to her...nicely. And accept her as your friend too. You relationship will thank you and he will love and respect you even more!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2007): Hi
I can really relate to your story. I don't have a magic answer for you because I am struggling to find one myself. My boyfriend's ex is his best friend and he is godfather to her daughter, so she is always going to be in his life. To top that, they are both Spanish and I am English, so when they get together, and in front of me, they speak in their mother tongue, even though they can both speak English....very rude !!!
The day after i met him, he introduced me to her. i suppose i should take some comfort that he didn't pretend I never existed, but I felt he wanted approval from her.
We too split up over this, and the problem has reared its ugly head many times. I don't feel they are having a sexual affair, but I do hate the emotional closeness they have and feel he should have moved on long ago because she had an affair on him when they were together. Why would you still want to be friends with someone like that ??
I have to see my ex husband because i have children with him, but i don't expect my boyfriend to socialise with him.
At the end of the day I have to accept that he has chosen to spend time with me, I will have to trust him if i want it to work, and he needs to be more honest with me, BUT there are still niggles and it hurts. He even sees her on her birthday and she invites him over on his......and he hates ME making a fuss myself on his birthday.......alarm bells ringing, or just an insensitive man ???
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2007): Hi, i was in a similar situation at the moment. My boyfriend used me then left me for his ex. Then when she dumped i, like an idiot, took him back. He used to get drunk and tell me he had never met anyone like her, and that she was 'the one.' I hated him going out because there were rumours he was seeing her. He told me he loved me but obviously not. Trust me, you cannot get it out of your head. I love this man but i left him because he will never feel the same about me. Do yourself a favour and find someone who really loves you. Trust me, it will keep you sane.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2006): I have been in this same situation with my boyfriend. He was with his ex fiance, turned friend, the week that we met. He insists that they were "friends with benefits" but I found that hard to believe. He said that they were only engaged for a couple of months about a year and a half ago and stayed together for more of a companionship (they were both in difficult times in their lives). I found it hard to stay, yet we were together for three months when I found this out and I already cared for him. Now it is six months in and we have gone through a lot of talking and working through it. He is a great guy and I trust that he loves me very much. It took me awhile to have faith in him, but that is what it comes down to. She is an ex for a reason, and sometimes people are intimate with their exes because it is comfortable and safe. In this case you have to be strong enough to handle it and think about this: There are many women out there that he hasn't already decided wouldn't work for him.. do you worry about those women? However, I would discuss the amount of contact and come to a compromise. I would make sure that there is no inappropriate behavior such as visiting each others home alone or other situations that could lead to problems. You must allow the friendship, yet not let any women disrespect you and your relationship by contacting him whenever she feels the need. He needs to understand that you will always see her as the ex, while you also have to understand that he will always see her as a friend. Also, make sure their relationship is out in the open. If he feels the need to hide things about her then he knows what he is doing is wrong. Be confident in yourself and in your relationship and make it known that you are the women in his life. I am very happy that I regained my confidence and faith in our relationship! I hope that my experience and thoughts help you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2006): I don't know if I would be friends with him. Definitely cordial though.
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A
male
reader, ogga +, writes (10 October 2006):
this sounds like me and my ex, we are the best of friends now an dhave been for about a year since we split up, but i would never cheat on my girlfriend with her no matter how much i felt for my ex beforehand, you have to take a leap of faith on how much he likes you no matter how much he liked her, honestly there is most lkely nothing going on or nothing going to happen so stop fretting until he starts staying over at her house for a weekend. it is weird how much mys story is like your because i also have been intimate with my ex before i was with my girlfriend and have had the chance to cheat on her but i wouldnt do it because i love her, ou have to trust he does the same, and if he does leave you for her then he was never worth it anyway
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A
male
reader, David Lewis  +, writes (10 October 2006):
 I think staying friends with an ex can be one of the most difficult things to do. I have gone through some difficult times with my ex and am now engaged to somebody else. My fiancee is always jealous of my ex and thinks I might cheat on her. I never would. But the connection and respect for my ex is still there. I won't turn my back on her.
You must try to understand that he has known his ex for years and always had the closeness with her, BUT, he is with you now through his own choice. It is YOU he loves.
The fact that he is best friends with his ex shows that he is a very nice, respectable guy.
If you both finished, would you like to remain frinds with him, or would you prefer it if he completely cut you off?
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