A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I are in our early twenties. My boyfriend is younger than me. For as long as I remember I have had trouble with my self esteem and I am insecure. At first my boyfriend loved and cared for me, when I had moments when I felt I wasn't good enough he would talk calmly and I would feel better.There have been times when I have felt hurt because of the little things he does, like if he promised to hang out with me, I kept waiting and he hangs out with his friends instead. Or he just forgot. And I tend to cry over those little things.Later he started being colder and indifferent towards me. He broke his promises, cancelled our date thrice and barely talked to me. I asked him why he is like that now and all he says that the drama I create over trivial things has made him harden himself and now he doesn't care anymore. He doesn't like spending time with me. He went to say that before he was madly in love with me but after seeing my darker side, he doesn't think I am the same person he loved and that I am not good enough. I thought if I stop being so insecure things will be better, so I started working on myself, but I resented him for how he treated me.Recently we had an argument during my birthday (regarding him spending time with other girls and gifting them, while he barely spends time with me) when I asked if we could talk to resolve matters, he ignored me and continued playing video games. Out of anger and crying I just lashed out how I am hurt over his attitude over the months. I resent him for his indifference while I continue to care for him. I stormed off saying he doesn't speak to me again.His reaction was that he blocked and deleted me from everywhere because "all he does is hurt me and this is what I had wanted". I was devastated.We talked about the situation. He revealed he doesn't feel anything for me, yet he cares about me and respects me, thinks I am a great girl etc. but he thinks I am not good enough. And that I keep creating drama when there is no "issue". For one week I am normal then I lash out again. While as a reaction he keeps growing indifferent. He said he cant backtrack and be happy again like me nor forget such events, and that I will never change so its better if we part ways because he isn't even sure if he wants me in his life now. And he is sure I will repeat my mistake again and again, and things will get worse. I am beyond hope. I have too much of expectations and he keeps disappointing me.He also added if we do work on our relationship, I will have to deal with the less communication than before, more indifference, so I am setting myself up for pain. If I dont mind all that then he is okay with it. But he doesn't think things cant be the same as before.I never felt so bad in my life. Sure I had been in abusive relationships before. But I know I cant hold that as responsible for my behavior. I really do want to change. I feel terrible because I really do love him. I just want things to be the same as they were before but his indifference isn't helping and is driving me crazy, whenever I point this out, he says he cant help it. Can I salvage my relationship?
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female
reader, RubyBirtle  +, writes (6 October 2015):
You say you've been in abusive relationships before. Well, I hate to tell you this but I think your current relationship sounds abusive too.
This guy treats you dismissively (by standing you up to go out with his friends instead) and then blames you when you're upset about it. He then punishes you for being upset by cold-shouldering you and says it's you making HIM feel bad. Most women would be upset if their boyfriend persistently treated them like that....
I don't think your relationship is salvageable because your boyfriend is a manipulative, controlling bastard. I think you should walk away from this relationship and do some personal work on your self esteem as a single person - preferably with a counsellor or therapist.
Although poor self-esteem and clinginess can have a detrimental effect on relationships, I think in this case 90% of the problem was your boyfriend's attitude, not yours.
Good luck
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2015): He's basically told you it's not salvageable. He is out right telling you that if you even work on yourself and become a better person then he's still going to act like a jerk and not like being around you.When I was younger I was so emotional about everything, I would cry at the drop of a hat and expect my boyfriend to understand because of my hormones or whatever. But he was young too and he really didn't want to have a girlfriend he needed to comfort all the time or help with emotional issues. I had little self esteem and because he knew that he said 'when you point out all your flaws and what you don't like about yourself I start focusing on them too'. It's very blunt and it upset me but I ended up thinking why would he want to go through tears all the time when he can have a girlfriend who was happy and fun.Your boyfriend was being a jerk ignoring you, cancelling dates, spending more time with other girls than you. There's no excuse for that. I don't understand how that behaviour is going to help and it will just make everything worse. If you are starting to think maybe you should try and work on your self esteem issues or how you cry a lot then at least you can work on that and start being happy in the future.When I was all emotional and felt like you I couldn't help being like it, that's just the way I was. But as I got older I got more confident, I didn't care so much about my appearance. I was depressed and I went to the doctors, anti depressants aren't for everybody but they helped me stay in a more positive frame of mind. He said he fell in madly in love with you so you obviously have positives! Don't be harsh on yourself, if he fell in love with you then obviously you have fantastic points. Just leave him alone he's not going to build up your confidence telling you he doesn't like being around you. He isn't going to make you feel better and he's trying to turn you into a people pleaser and do what he likes while you try and change in to something you think he will like.From now on try and forget him and work on your own happiness by yourself. Try and be happy in your own life and getting a boyfriend will just be a plus that will add to your happiness.
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