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My boyfriend is avoiding our friends and they are asking about him. How do I help resolve this?

Tagged as: Dating, Friends, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (26 June 2014) 2 Answers - (Newest, 26 June 2014)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I have an absolutely wonderful boyfriend of nearly 2 years, pretty much your stereotypical best friend turned boyfriend. However, he seems to suffer from anxiety which can lead to paranoia. Initially this was about appearance to the extent where he could literally not look in a mirror but we've worked through it and he is a lot better!

The only problem is now it's gotten worse... We first became friends when we started college so we were part of a new, small friendship group so it was very close but since then it has grown and grown. Jealosies in the group built up surrounding our relationship, we have always been very close and you could say we still act as if we are in the "honeymoon period" and we have felt a bit isolated even if we try and talk to others. This could also be partly because the group has grown so much that it was become "cliquey".

Basically he has avoided the lunch hall and has been "revising" in his free periods just so he doesn't have to be with the group. He believes that no one wants to see him and that no one cares anyway but people keep asking where he is! He won't meet up with us even though I've told him that I'm not being isolated any more. I just want him to meet them half way and make the effort to come out once just to see how everyone is around him but he refuses and I don't know what to do as my boyfriend does not want to even go on double dates or days out with my friends. I can't even let them know because he gets self conscious about me talking about him! How do I resolve this situation?

View related questions: best friend, period

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2014):

He used to see a councillor when he was younger and was diagnosed with depression which he claims he has resolved now and is a lot happier, although I'm not a mental health professional so I'm not sure. With regards to seeing a therapist, I asked him, practically pleaded, with him to seek professional help as his withdrawals are not healthy but he rejected the idea that anything was wrong with him. As for his parents, they'd refuse to believe anything was wrong with their only child.

A few friends with experience of mental disorders and good understandings of psychology have told me they think he has anxiety but I don't know how I can get him to seek help when we've nearly broken up over it when I've mentioned it to him in the past. I don't want him to keep being eaten up by it anymore! I feel like I've tried everything and I don't know what to do now.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2014):

Are you a licensed and trained mental-health professional?

I'm concerned about something you said.

"However, he seems to suffer from anxiety which can lead to paranoia. Initially this was about appearance to the extent where he could literally not look in a mirror but we've worked through it and he is a lot better!"

If he has a mental or social disorder, your boyfriend has to seek professional help. You apparently have not worked it out, if he continues to avoid people. Don't try to be his therapist. That can be very risky, and you don't really know what you're doing.

If he is currently under professional-treatment and therapy; then you should learn more about why he can't socialize, and shouldn't pressure him about it.

If he is being treated by a doctor, and you know he has a social disorder; then you'd know that YOU can't resolve it.

It's an illness effecting his mind. You can tell his parents he may need some help; and see that he gets professional help, if he hasn't told them about his problem. You're not protecting him, if you are keeping this a secret from them.

Besides all that, he is limiting your healthy social interactions with others; and trying to isolate you from the group by not attending or participating. You should continue to enjoy hanging out and having fun with people just as you are. If your boyfriend isn't being treated professionally, don't push or prod him. You and your friends should not be pressuring someone whom you claim suffers from paranoia. That could be dangerous for him, and for all of you.

Has your boyfriend been clinically diagnosed and treated for mental-illness or social disorder? If he hasn't, why not? Are you keeping this away from his parents thinking you can handle it on you own? If you are. You can't!

Young men with untreated or undiagnosed mental-health issues are potentially dangerous to themselves and others.

If you know for certain he has these problems; and you have never told anyone, you really should. You cannot read-up on these things, and think you're helping him. If something goes seriously wrong; and you'll feel very guilty for not alerting anyone about what you know. You'll never be able to live it down.

If he is seeing a therapist, try to attend a few sessions and learn ways you can be helpful.

Here in the United States there have been some terrible tragedies involving teens and young men; who secretly suffered mental disorders, and no one knew they needed help. Until people got seriously injured, and some were killed. So, if you and your boyfriend have been keeping his problems a secret; don't wait until something terrible happens, if it could have been avoided.

Tell his parents!

As for your friends. Continue making excuses for him, until you know how you can help. Simply tell them he is really shy around people. It's up to him to share any details about his condition, and if he is under treatment. That wouldn't be up to you.

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