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My boyfriend is attracted to another girl!

Tagged as: Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (20 August 2010) 7 Answers - (Newest, 20 August 2010)
A female Canada age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Hi,

My boyfriend is attracted to another girl. Ever since I found out, it's been making me extremely unhappy. He said that he won't do anything about it, and that I'm obsessing over it. I've been asking him (probably once every day) if he still has a crush on her or mention it offhandly (in a bitter way, I guess). He usually starts mentioning about how negative I'm being or how I'm so miserable and then an argument starts. It usually ends with him saying that I'm crazy because we spent hours arguing over him having a crush on someone that he "barely knows".

Anyway, am I crazy? He says that it is the most accurate word to describe me, and he doesn't care if it hurts me because it is true. He also said that if he asked other people, they would also agree that I am "crazy jealous" and a "crazy girlfriend"

Also - is it true that it takes 2 to have an argument, because he says that it only takes 1. He says that he can't ignore me because I simply "won't shut up" (we live together, btw).

View related questions: crush, jealous

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A male reader, Universe Man United States +, writes (20 August 2010):

In my experience, feelings like this are both very common and, in my opinion, completely crazy. I bet if you had a boyfriend who was completely devoted and obsessed with you and never so much as glanced at another woman, you might feel differently about this guy having a normal sexuality. But then again, you probably would never HAVE a boyfriend like that, because he would creep you out and drive you away, and rightly so!

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A female reader, afraidgirl77 United States +, writes (20 August 2010):

Coming from another "crazy girlfriend" I can tell you my boyfriend knows enough and respects me enough NEVER to say that he would be intersted in dating someone else. Of course guys will find other women attractive, but it's not something that needs to be said to your girlfriend.

"Ok, I'm sorry, but seriously? You expect your man to lose his heterosexuality once he enters a relationship with you and just be attracted to you, and nobody else?! You expect Megan Fox and Jessica Biel and Jennifer Aniston to suddenly be ugly to him?" ...This is not helpful, this is just being hurtful. She is not asking that she thinks it's wrong for him to think a celeb is pretty, but rather a girl that he knows and would date if he could.

I wish people wouldn't get on here and write mean things like above. I understand your pain. I think that it's for the best if you move on. If your man is telling you things like antoher girl is hotter, funner, etc, then you should LEAVE HIM. He should find you to be the most beautiful women alive. If he makes you feel bad about yourself, MOVE ON! And chances are he's already trying to date this girl....

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2010):

"I mean is he hanging out with this girl? How does he know her?"

They work together since May this year, and they also hang out together (with other people from work) outside of work. I've only met her twice, both in passing

"You expect your man to lose his heterosexuality once he enters a relationship with you and just be attracted to you, and nobody else?! You expect Megan Fox and Jessica Biel and Jennifer Aniston to suddenly be ugly to him? "

He is attracted to her beyond physically (at least, I'm interpreting that you're saying that I'm forbidding him from thinking other people are "hot"). He is also attracted to her personality and have told me that if he and her were single, he would like to date her.

"Work on your self-esteem,tell yourself this girl is just another human being,what does she have I don't have? "

Well - he has told me (note that I asked him these things, he didn't TELL me from out of nowhere) that she is more beautiful than me, hotter than me, is more fun, more athletic, more interesting to talk to, makes him feel happy when she is near him. Um .. when I ask him do I have anything that he likes about me more than her, the only thing he can come up with is my intelligence ..

"if so then you have to believe him when he says he wont do anything "

Oh, I believe that he won't cheat. Instead, what I'm expecting is that when/if she becomes single, he will leave me and go for her ... he has told me, however, that she's too good, so he won't have a chance with her. Therefore, I shouldn't worry about it. He has (coincidentally enough) started working out since meeting her (we've known each other for about 8 or 9 years, mind you and he's never been all that physically fit)

Anyway, thank you all for your comments. It's hard getting an objective view of this issue when I feel mopey/sad all the time.

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A female reader, Jay25  +, writes (20 August 2010):

Jay25 agony auntI would say 90% of women would be slightly obsessed over this, Im a wee bit of a slightly crazy girlfriend myself, but you know what thats cool, im a slightly jealous person, everyone has their flaws however I think its more about how you handle it, do you trust him? if so then you have to believe him when he says he wont do anything as otherwise all the arguments and obsessing might actually push him away. It may be difficult but trust fully and if you are proven wrong then you know

1. He isnt worth it

2. It was nothing you did wrong that made him stray

All the best

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2010):

Ok, I'm sorry, but seriously? You expect your man to lose his heterosexuality once he enters a relationship with you and just be attracted to you, and nobody else?! You expect Megan Fox and Jessica Biel and Jennifer Aniston to suddenly be ugly to him?

GIVE ME A BREAK. GROW UP. And this is coming from a woman, fyi. I'm curious as to how you'd react upon finding out that he's fantasized about other women too!

If you honestly think relationships are like fairy tales, with the damsel in distress being swept off her feet and the two staying madly in love forever, you need a serious wake-up call.

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A female reader, cocoqueen88 United States +, writes (20 August 2010):

cocoqueen88 agony auntYou are being a little obsessive in this situation. I mean is he hanging out with this girl? How does he know her? He sees it as you not trusting him. And no trust = not realtionship. You are pushing him away.

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A male reader, Jmtmj Australia +, writes (20 August 2010):

Jmtmj agony auntShooting from the hip here... You do sound slightly obsessed with this and I don't entirely understand why. If you bring this other girl up every single day then you will lose him.

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