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female
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anonymous
writes: Ive just started seeing a guy, hes in his early 30s and has never had sex before. I guess I want to know, when we have sex for the first time, should I take charge? Or would that make him feel foolish (Im 22)? Should I be the one to initiate it or should I wait till he says hes ready? Reply to this Question |
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2008): I'm 17, i know what your thinking, but im not a child, and i'm not a virgin neither. But my boyfriend is. We mess around but we don't have sex and when we came close to it he would freak out about the condom breaking or something so we would just give up trying so pretty much we don't even try to have sex anymore because he is always afraid to. I love him more than anything on the whole earth but it sometimes makes me feel unwanted and i don't know why it frustrates me. But i never say anything about it to anyone.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2008): I am in the same situation. I'm not sure either. I had sex at 15 and have had 3 partners. He's fingered me and was really freaked out that he didn't please me. (I couldn't tell he hadn't done that before, but he doesn't believe it) I think I am going to have to take charge. It really depends on the guy.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2007): I am in a very similar situation. I am 29, my boyfriend is 24. He is abstaining for religious reasons but will do everything but penetration.Still not a sinner??go figure). I too have dated inexperienced men in the past and the common thread is their shyness and my aggression. The best thing is to maintain balance and go at his pace. If he wants to have sex go very slow and nuture his emotions first. If he wants to wait until he is married, do not place any pressure on the realtionship and enjoy it for what it is. This is not an easy process especially as some people are more sexual than others. I love intimacy and miss being able to express that with my lover. He on the ohter hand regards intimacy as very taboo. These unions usually don't last long so enjoy the ride!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2007): Hi! I want to know what happened since!
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male
reader, curzon07  +, writes (18 May 2007):
 i am a virgin male myself in mid-20s. my reason is religious rather than anything else. obviously my would not be based on experience but i guess he would want to know when he is doing ok. some encouragement, guidance.
another issue, what might be the reason of his virginity? i mean if he is a normal, healthy guy like me, and abstained from intercourse then i cannot think anything to be afraid of. but what if there is a dramatic reason for this? after all, talking from bitter experience, protecting chastity is not easy at all, even with an extremely strong motivation.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2007): i am in the same situation as you. i really like my boyfriend and know that he fells the same way, he is a virgin and im not. he is 22 and im 24. we did some foreplay and even a bit more before i realized that he wasn't very confident. it already happened to me before that the first time the guy i was with felt a bit scared but this time was different. he admited to me last week that he was a virgin and new with all that stuff. he said he just didn't have need before. I don't know what to do, he is very shy about this. i told him to take his time and that im ready to wait. that it might not work the first time and that he shouldn't feel bad about it, it is normal and he will learn. But now i'm scared. i don't want him to have a bad experience and i don't know how to teach that kind of thing. i don't think he is ready yet so i'm giving him all the time and space he needs but how will i know he is ready.How will i know how to explain all that.I need help... please guys you've been there...how did you learn? i don't really feel like telling him to watch a porn but is there any way i can give him some hints without making him feel unconfortable.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2006): Sorry, I've just seen this question. Maybe its a bit late but I wanted to answer because it resonates so strongly for me at the moment - and as I'm approaching it from the opposite perspective I might be of some help to you.
Essentially I'm in the same position as your boyfriend. I'm 38 and I'm still a virgin. I know that many people will mark me down as some kind of sad weirdo because of that but from my perspective its an easy situation to be in. I'm very shy, not at all predatory (I'd be mortified if I ever thought that I'd inadvertently offended a woman) and i don't drink so I never have any Dutch courage - my dating is done sober! While I have certainly had a couple of opportunities to have sex it just didn't feel right at the time. Sure, I was scared, but more importantly I didn't feel strongly enough for the women concerned.
Anyway, I've now met a woman that I absolutely adore and, although we are not quite at this stage yet, I think I do want to make love to her. And that means facing up to the fact that I won't have a clue what I'm meant to do, while she's an experienced woman of the world. Virtually everything that Frank Kermit writes is true. I know - I'm there now! Your boyfriend will be feeling a bit of an idiot. He will be worrying not only that he will make a fool of himself (what to do, when, how etc etc) but also that he won't be able to satisfy you properly. Certainly I want to have sex with my girlfriend in large part not for me but to pleasure her - and I fear that I won't be able to give her what she wants which will make me feel an absolute failure.
I'd suggest (because this is how I want things to turn out for myself) that you take the lead. Yes, he will feel foolish, but its better than the alternative of him having to take charge. It'll be much easier for him to follow than feel under pressure to take the traditional male role in initiating proceedings. Do it gently, keep it simple, check with him at every stage that he's still comfortable, guide him, tell him what you like, show him how you want it done. Of course he won't know what he wants himself so experiment, let him discover his own body as well as yours. Most importantly reassure him that he's doing fine and that your enjoying the experience too. It would be very humiliating for him if he thought that you were just humouring him, going through the motions without getting anything from it yourself. Be aware (as you seem to be in posing the question)that there's a lot more pressure on him in his 30's than there would be if he was 16. Also, stop the moment he feels uncomfortable. There's always next time if he's not quite ready yet. Try not to make a big deal of it all for him.
I really hope that things go well (or have already gone well!) for you. He's a lucky man to have a girlfriend think about the position he's in and take it seriously. And do feel free to tell him about me if you think it'll make him feel better. Its so easy to think that your the only one in that position, and feel a complete freak. I certainly feel a little better now for knowing that there's someone else out there like me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2006): Hi this is from the girl that asked the question.
Thank you to the others that have already answered. I would also like some advice from some guys that remember losing there virginity...what would have made the experiance better for you? Would you of felt dominated if the girl had taken over?
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male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (6 November 2006):
 Hi Anon,
I have counseled many men, who like your boyfriend, are adult aged male virgins. I give a seminar for them and you can read the reviews at http://www.franktalks.com/frankreviewsvirgin.html
You will most likely need to take charge for the first few times, until he feels more sure of himself. This also means that you will need to REASSURE him that you are not laughing at him. He needs to know that you want it, and can move at his pace. He knows that he will be bad at sex the first time, so you need to show him what works for you to bring you to orgasm.
Now for the emotional questions...this depends on WHY he is still a virgin at 30. Is it because he is struggling with religious guilt? Is it because he was sexually abused as a child, and has issues with sex? Is it because he is just too painfully shy and afraid to hurt women during sex?
Adult virgins have an issue that they regularly face. It is that their virginity has become part of his identity. When he finally has sex, he must change his identity, and that could be painful and scary. He may even hve illogical resentment towards you afterwards, and have no understanding why. At 30 he is defined in his identity, and may not anticipate such a change. He may experience a panic attack afterwards, or a few days later.
-Frank B Kermit
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female
reader, helpful girl +, writes (6 November 2006):
 well youve done it b4 right? if so take charge as long as he is ready for sex with you if he is not and says no then take no as a anser and dont carry on trying! but if he says yes his ready go for it and be in charge as he may be to shy to be in charge just yet. but i think hell let you know if he wants to be in charge.
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male
reader, Yos  + ♥, writes (6 November 2006):
 Be very gentle and considerate. Take charge but tell him what you are doing and make sure he is comfortable with it.
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female
reader, miss nancy +, writes (6 November 2006):
 Dear writter,
Have you asked your boyfriend if he is ready? Sex is a 'two player game' and if one isn't ready to 'play the game' it will get messed up and won't work out, you both must be ready, ask him if he wants to try, but don't rush it! Good luck.
Miss Nancy
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female
reader, Lemonpixie  +, writes (6 November 2006):
 I can't say i've been faced with a problem as extreme as this... but i have been with 2 virgins before. I pretty much took charge, but women are in charge in the bedroom anyway! We decide where, when and what! So i guess this shouldn't be any different. However, I would pay attention to him, he's probably going to be incredibly nervous considering he's waited about 15 years for this. So guide him gently, don't boss him around like a drill sargeant, and don't expect too much the first few times, because well thats a lot of pent up energy waiting to explode. Good luck, and update when the deed is over I'm curious if his reaction will be similar to "The 40 Year Old Virgin".
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2006): Im not a virgin by the way....
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