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My boyfriend insists on fisting me and having rough sex even though I have had many operations 'down below' and it causes me so much pain

Tagged as: Dating, Health, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 July 2008) 20 Answers - (Newest, 12 August 2010)
A age 36-40, anonymous writes:

so i think i need some advice cause i am not sure what to do. my fiance and i have been together for a year and a half. we are deeply in love and he does everything under the sun for me. i couldnt ask for a better man. but we have a few sex issues. first of all, i have had many surgery's. i have had misscariages and an ectopic pregnancy which caused me to loose my tube. i have had multiple kidney stones that had to be surgically removed. i had a ruptured cyst on my ovary. put it this way. i am only 30 and have had 7 surgery's. on top of all that i have a condition called endometriosis. for those that dont know what that is, it's when tissue attaches from the uterus to other organs like the ovary's or the bowel area and a lot of the time i have to take a bunch of codiene just to have sex from the pain. sex is really important to my fiance and unfortunatly he likes it a little rough. he likes anal sex and fisting and all that and when i try to tell him how much pain it puts me in, he gets angry or just tells me he will go easy and tells me to be quiet. sometimes says i will get used to it. he says after a few times i will stretch out and that a woman is made to be stretched that much cause we pop children out of there. so i just let him do it. i put up with the pain. sometimes i cry during the sex cause it just never feels good. but i am not sure what to do. if i tell him that we cant do these things then i am afraid he will get bored with me and leave me. like i said. i think sex is really important to him. but will i ever get used to it like he says? will it not hurt so much after a while? is it normal to hurt so much when you first start doing these things or is it because of my problems? i just dont know what to do. i love my fiance. he is the best man in the world and i wouldnt want to live without him in my life. any advice would be appreciated. thanks

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A male reader, olderthandirt United States +, writes (12 August 2010):

olderthandirt agony auntRUN don't walk get the hell outa there while you're alive

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2009):

that guy sounds like a sick perv no offence you should get rid of him.its not normal to put a woman through pain like that.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2008):

oh my god

i felt like crying just reading your question.

gets angry or tells you to shut up?

what the fuck?! that's fucking DISGUSTING

the way he has treated you is DISGUSTING

anal sex is not a 'normal' or 'average' thing for couples to do and fisting CERTAINLY isn't, people do it because it turns them on and they want to experiment, if it doesn't turn you on then why the fuck should you do it?

as for his complete disregard to your operations, sick and wrong.

fucking hell.

i hope you're okay, i sympathize completely. i'm fifteen and i would not stand for this, you are an intelligent woman with 30 years behind her, surely you know it's not right?!

get out, you deserve better.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2008):

Leave him.

You may love him, but he most certainly does not love you.

How can you live with that for the rest of your life?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2008):

Hi Babes, I hope your ok. We're all thinking about you here at Dear Cupid.

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A female reader, birdynumnums Canada +, writes (16 July 2008):

birdynumnums agony auntThis man is a sexual sadist, judging by what turns him on. Is it possible that he believes you are, by definition, a masochist? He might think that, simply because you have stuck around for this behavior, repeatedly.

Leave.

This isn't love, this is abuse.

One can only hope that karma bites him in his own butt, eventually.

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A female reader, Mushgirl United Kingdom +, writes (16 July 2008):

Mushgirl agony aunt"when i try to tell him how much pain it puts me in, he gets angry or just tells me he will go easy and tells me to be quiet"

"he is the best man in the world and i wouldnt want to live without him in my life."

HOW, IN ANY POSSIBLE WAY, DO THESE STATEMENTS GO HAND IN HAND?

So lemme get this straight - he's a the bestest ever man in the whole wide world - except on the odd everyday occasion where he bullies you into tear-inducing pain and unwanted sex? GET AWAY FROM HIM!

Seriously, mate - cupid's obviously been a prick as far as you're concerned and got you to fall for a world-class twat. Love's awesome when it works out, but when it don't - it sucks. LEAVE NOW! You deserve a LOT better! xxx

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2008):

Hi babes, I wished you'd get in touch and update us on your situation. We are very worried about you. There are many people here who have been through the same thing. We come from many countries, we are different ages and religions, we want to help. You always remain anonymous, we don't know who you are, you don't know who we are. Please, please, please get in touch, there are a lot of people who have heard your story and want to help you in anyway that you want. Please contact us or somebody else today... Take care of you, good luck, hugs. Everything will be alright, it just takes time and strength.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2008):

You know I cannot stop thinking about you; Herwith again lots of hugs; my thoughts are with you; I really just want what is best for you; I know you love this guy but he is not loving you the way he should; I want to share with you a case a dealt with about a year ago; maybe then you will understand why I am so extrely worried;

About a year ago; I meet a woman at a hospital; at the emergency unit; she was brought in by her then husband; she was bleeding very badly; the woman had to have an emergency historectomy; this man who apperaed very normal on the surface, caused the damage to her internally; they separated and both went for extensive counseling;

I am just so scared for you; I DON'T want the same to happen to you;

If my first posting sounded very harsh; please forgive me; I am just very concerned about you;

I really just want what is best for you; PLEASE do get professional help; PLEASE avoid the same thing from happening to you;

We are here anytime you need to talk; I know it will be difficult and you love the guy;

BUT

you need to think of yourself more then anything;

I am so worried about you;

PLEASE take good care;

You don't have to be abused like that; You do DESERVE so much more;

Lots of HUGS and plenty SMILES;

Hey, this might be difficult now; because you love him; but you need to think about your FUTURE; PLEASE!

Remember;

I am not judging you; I only want what is best for you;

Don't end up in the emergency service of some hospital; PLEASE DON'T.

My thoughts are with you;keep us posted; talk to us; we want what is best for YOU;

Lift your head high; and do what is best for you;

Lots of "SMILES"

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A female reader, pepper27 United Kingdom +, writes (14 July 2008):

pepper27 agony auntHunny

You love your fiance I no but hun he is doing things to you that can damage your health and not only that but is acting in the most disrecpectful way to you, You say he is so nice but from what I have read hunny he is not a very nice person at all..If someone loves you sweetheart they are concerned and carefull if you are in pain, They dont say you will get used to it...He is abusing you... I nurse and I have spoken to other nurses and one girl was taken into hospital after her partner or whatever you want to call him had done this to her and she was extreemely damaged he had ripped her insides so bad and caused untold medical problems not to say of the mental problems she recieved after..THIS IS SO WRONG! You may love him but from what you say he doesnt care for you in the same way he wouldnt possibly do this to you when you mention the pain it causes if he cared about YOU! He cares more about his peverted pleasure than you..My heart goes out to you hunny it really does as you love him so much it is blinding you to this terrible abuse...Please sweetheart go to you doctor get checked out and talk with them, They will explain so much to you and dont let him do this to you anymore...If you need a chat message me PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOU WITH LOTS OF LOVE AND PRAYERS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2008):

Vow, my heart is bleeding for you; I have empathy with you; I wish I could be there with you now; I wish I could give you a HUG and help you through this; BUT I am going to try and help by typing here; I am very familiar with the medical conditions you described; those medical conditions you have causes lots of pain and discomfort and is not to be ignored or taken lightly; yes, the pain for both endometriosis and ovarian cysts can be made worst with rough sex; painkillers will only give temporary relieve; our internal organs are sensitive and needs to be treated and respected as such

HOWEVER

What I am going to tell you now, is maybe not what you want to hear, but I am saying this to you with your best interest at heart;

Your fiancé is treating you like most men won't treat a PROSTITUTE; he is a BEAST;

There is no reason why you cannot enjoy normal sex and have a painless sex life; BUT this guy is not taking you or your feelings in consideration; what he is doing to you is NOT ROUGH sex; it is BARBERIC;

PLEASE listen to me very carefully; this kind of sexual behavior will aggravate your medical problems; you don't want that; PLEASE think of your health; you do not want to loose another tube or even have a hysterectomy due to this guy; you are still young treat your internal organs with respect and you can still have a child or children; BUT by allowing this guy to mistreat you sexually ABUSE you; you might loose the opportunity to ever have a child;

The emotional damage that he is causing you is totally unacceptable; for you to cry with pain; it is so WRONG; this guy DOES NOT LOVE YOU; He does not RESPECT you are your body;

This guy sounds like a BARBERIC SEX MANIAC; you don't want to live like this for the rest of your life;

He might be so great and so wonderful; BUT if he does not have respect for your PAIN and hurt; HE does not CARE enough;

Fisting can be great if done very carefully and also depends on lots of factors such as; the size of his hands etc; it is not something I would recommend and taking your health problems in consideration I will not allow it; I assure you if you had to discuss this with your doctor or gyni; they will Agree with what I am telling you;

Why do you want to risk your health for this guy that is not LOVING you; not RESPECTING you; HURTING you?

Yes, I know; you love him;

BUT

Love is not enough to ensure a happy relationship; things such as TRUST and RESPECT are also very important;

I suggest you immediately make an appointment with a very good counselor; as your doctor for a reference if you don't know of one; speak to the counselor about all this and let him or her help you through the process to BREAK UP with this guy;

PLEASE think about YOURSELF first; this guy is ruining you emotionally and physically;

This IS EMOTIONAL AND SEXUAL ABUSE;

Please be STRONG; get professional help; this man has scared you emotionally already; GET HELP; before the physical damage goes beyond repair.

I wish there was an alternate SOLUTION, but there is not; even counseling with this BARBERIC SEXUAL ABUSER is not worth the risk;

I URGE you; to think about your FUTURE;

Please be kind to yourself; love yourself enough to make a break from this guy; he has serious problems and it might get worse; he has major unresolved issues and you CANNOT risk your life and health in his hands; what he is doing is one of the worst forms of women abuse and battering;

If you do not wish or cannot afford private counseling; call the center for Rape or Abused women; they will also be able to assist you and give you very good guidance; those people are very qualified and experienced in dealing with these things.

Think about your FUTURE; your dreams of a loving, caring husband; with a mutually fulfilling and satisfying sex life; with maybe a bambino or more; then make the MOVE to get help because with this BARBERIC SEXUAL ABUSER; you will never have that;

Reach out for HELP.

Your are welcome to send me private email should you want to talk or if I can be of anymore assistance.

Please, take care of yourself and your health; that is the most important thing; Get HELP; don't delay; to it TODAY; Remember you DESERVE THE BEST;

My thoughts are with you; take good care and please keep us POSTED;

Best wishes and lots of SMILES.

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (14 July 2008):

eyeswideopen agony auntYou couldn't ask for a better man? PLEASE! You should be looking for a man, what you have right now is a vicious beast.

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A male reader, oldfool Australia +, writes (14 July 2008):

oldfool agony auntMy God, I can't imagine a worse combination than a anal fister and a woman whose multiple operations render her totally unable to bear fisting!

I cannot believe that someone could "make love" to another person knowing that that person was failing to derive enjoyment from it or was actually experiencing great pain. For me, one of the biggest turn-ons of making love is the knowledge that the other person loves what you are doing. Otherwise the other person is not much more significant than a blow-up doll -- a passive, unfeeling receptacle for your own actions.

However, in this case it seems to me that you're more than a blow-up doll for him -- much more. He's not treating you as a passive receptacle; he's getting off on doing things in full knowledge that it's causing you pain. This is really sick. You should get away from him as soon as possible.

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A male reader, Mark25 United Kingdom +, writes (14 July 2008):

Mark25 agony auntI'm going to be blunt,here. You need to get rid of him. He is abusing you. It's as simple as that. Sex should be enjoyable for both of you. His blatant disregard to your feelings show that he is not the best man that you think he is. In short, he is a scumbag. Sorry if you don't like what I've said but it's the truth. I urge you to get him out of your life straightaway. If you carry on like this it may destroy your ability to enjoy sex with someone that you love. You're worth more than he is and deserve to be treated better.

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A male reader, LazyGuy Netherlands +, writes (14 July 2008):

LazyGuy agony auntI think that your bf is an asshole who only cares for his own feelings and sees you as a sextoy. At your age, ignorance is no longer an excuse.

Fisting is enjoyed by some women but it takes a lot of practice and must be done very gently, same with anal sex. While both holes can stretch (is goatse.cx still active?) it should be taken very slow.

Your medical history might make it impossible, scars for instance simply do NOT stretch. Sex should be about pleasure, not pain, unless of course pain is what the one receiving it is into.

Frankly, you need to grow up. He is the best man in the world and he puts you in pain with sex on purpose despite you telling him how much it hurts.

These two things do not go together. Love does not fix everything. A guy who doesn't care that you are in pain is not worth being with.

You should also consider there is a reason you are feeling pain. First time sex is often painful because the body is unusued to it but it persists things are painful as a warning damage is occuring or about to occur.

Fisting is supposed to be for the woman, not the man. If you ain't enjoying it then frankly he might be doing it because he enjoys watching you suffer. Now that is not a guy you should be with.

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A female reader, TasteofIndia United States + , writes (14 July 2008):

TasteofIndia agony auntYour situation makes me really upset. This isn't love, this isn't a true companionship. Your significant other shows little concern for you, your feelings, your enjoyment. He is a selfish lover and a abuser at that.

Boot this man to the curb, he is absolutely terrible to you and will not get any better throughout your marriage. This is an attack on your body, spirit and self. Nobody with a true love for someone else would cause them this kind of intense physical and emotional pain.

Love and strength to you and please, please, PLEASE get this awful person out of your life for GOOD.

xx India

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2008):

To tell the truth, yours in the worse case of abuse and hurt I have ever heard in my life, and I've heard a lot. You don't deserve to feel like this, this man is treating you wrong, he's hurting you and making you cry. THIS IS NOT LOVE. I'm frightened for your safety, so please call the Rape crisis people today...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2008):

This is abuse honeypie. Sex shouldn't involve pain. You are a human being and have ever right to say "NO! I don't want to do that because it hurts".

You may love this man, but I will tell you the truth. No man that loves a woman would feel comfortable causing her pain. He would be upset when she hurts and he would realise her operations make sex difficult for her. He knows all this but he dosen't care. He likes "rough sex" and obviously he likes it more than he likes you.

"when i try to tell him how much pain it puts me in, he gets angry or just tells me he will go easy and tells me to be quiet. sometimes says i will get used to it."

Is this what you call love, a man that gets angry, tells you to be quiet and continues to hurt you. This man is an abuser, he has no love for you. What if a man did this to your sister, your mother, your best friend? Would you be happy thinking of them suffering the pain that you have? I bet you've never told a single soul just what this man does to you. What if you tried anal sex and fisting on him, would you tell him to shut up when he cries it hurts?

"i put up with the pain. sometimes i cry during the sex cause it just never feels good." What kind of LOVE is this. It sounds like RAPE to me.

The pain your feeling is not normal, only rapist make women feel this way. THERE SHOULD BE NO PAIN WITH SEX, you will never get used to it and it will always hurt because he should not be treating you like this. This man is a PIG. I'm sorry you love him so much. I would hate to live a life of such pain and degredation, to me love means cuddles, kisses and CONSENSUAL SEX. You say NO, he continues, YOU ARE LIVING WITH A RAPIST....

I feel so very sorry for you, you don't even know when your being abused. There is so much love and joy out there, but you prefer to lie on your back and get fisted just to keep some worthless man. You don't believe me, you don't believe the other aunts and uncles. Call the rape crisis line, tell them what this man has done and see if I am wrong. Contact your doctor, tell them whats going on and find out if this mans actions are dangerous to your health and your current health condition.

YOU BETTER RUN... This man will continue to hurt you in bed, and because you allow this to happen, he will start to hurt you and probably hit you outside the bedroom as well. DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN, HE'S A DANGEROUS RAPIST.

RAPE CRISIS UK: http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2008):

Hun do you want to find someone that you love as much and respect your decision to have, 'unrough' (?!) sex?! Do you want to end up in surgery again and then never be able to have sex again.

Yes hes right. Women 'down there' are meant to be stretched. Not from the outside. Not forced through involuntarily.

Surely you crying in sex would break his heart? Surely you crying at all would break his heart? If he'd do anything for you he'd respect your wishes?!

Marriage is in sickness and in health. Your health 'down there' isn't in top tip shape is it?!

Its only asking for a little less rough sex!? Why doesn't he do it to himself. Goes through all those operations then you stuff your foot up his arse-

Sorry as you can probably tell I'm not in a good mood =P

Back to you, realistically, its just beyond me how he'd continue to do that if you were seriously in pain. Sex means a lot to him you've got that right - he's obsessed with it. And its progressing further and further up the levels.

Your terrified of loosing him so your letting him push you over. Stand up for yourself. Show a bit of self respect! Put a smile on your face, stand strong and say no.

Its rape if you don't want to do it. Simple as that, and thats the harsh truth.

Your in a difficult decision. You need to tell him no, because of your operations you can't do that. Don't let him come at your with that baby crap, yeah its true, not forced up as I said. You need to say you can't have a baby, you've been operated on. You don't want it to happen.

Read other peoples advice, and you need to list your options onto paper, pros and cons and then stick to a decision and continue along with it.

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A female reader, starfairy United Kingdom +, writes (13 July 2008):

starfairy agony auntWrong Wrong WRONG WRONG!!!

In no way shape or form should you just have to "put up with the pain of sex"!! Your fiance should NOT be forcing you to be fisted etc if it causes you pain, and you CRY during it!!

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