New here? Register in under one minute   Already a member? Login224141 questions, 973971 answers  

  DearCupid.ORG relationship advice
  Got a relationship, dating, love or sex question? Ask for help!Search
 New Questions Answers . Most Discussed Viewed . Unanswered . Followups . Forums . Top agony aunts . About Us .  Articles  . Sitemap

My boyfriend ignores me when I talk!

Tagged as: Big Questions<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (4 January 2011) 14 Answers - (Newest, 10 February 2011)
A female United States age 26-29, *tayc63088 writes:

My boyfriend of one year ignores me. When I talk sometimes he just sits and says nothing. I am not asking for a long conversation, but even a "yeah" or "sure", I mean anything. It is extremely rude and driving me crazy. The other day I talked about a coworker who was going to get fired. He just sat there. I even tried to elaborate a little to get anything from him. No response at all! We then sit there in silence until something else comes up. This has happened too many times to count. He just says he doesn't talk much. I get that, but to not respond at all?? It seems incredibly rude to me. Now we play a game together when I am at work. It's WoW so we can talk while we play. I said a few things or asked a few questions and he just didn't respond to any of it. He claimed he didn't see the messages, but one of them was right after he typed soemthing to me.

I understand if I talked all the damn time incessantly. Which I don't at all. He admitted with the WoW thing tonight that he just didn't want to answer me.I mean what the hell? I'm his girlfriend and he acts like I am an annoying person he has to ignore. Then claims he doesn't talk so much and doesn't want to have an hour long conversation about nothing. All I want is a damn response. So then he says he will say "ok" after everything I say, purposefully being a smart ass. Is it that hard to converse? I listen to him talk about his job or WoW stuff and always talk or ask about what he means. What do I get? Nothing. One time I even tried to sit there after he made a statement and say absolutely nothing. I felt awful. I don't know how he does it. Is it normal if someone doesn't ask a question that you can just ignore them? I've never talked to anyone like him in my life. Any comments or thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks.

ps I'd really rather not hear that guys just don't talk much or well. It isn't about not being open or talking a lot. It's about saying nothing in response to something I say, sitting and staring ahead acting like I said nothing.

View related questions: at work, co-worker

<-- Rate this Question

Reply to this Question


Share

Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!

A female reader, ashley187 United States +, writes (10 February 2011):

ashley187 agony auntWell thank you! And I'm glad that you were able to sort things out! Communication is usually key! And thanks about my boyfriend, I hope we can somehow sort things out too. Every day is different. The good, the bad, and the ugly. lol. Have a good day.

<-- Rate this answer

A female reader, Stayc63088 United States +, writes (9 February 2011):

Stayc63088 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Stayc63088 agony auntI'm sorry you are going through all of this. My boyfriend and I have since worked on the issue. It turned out if I didn't ask a question he really didn't know what to say in response. When he realized I just wanted to converse he has been trying to get better at it and has. I haven't been "ignored" since the time it happened that I discussed on here. We still have issues with fighting and him ignoring me when it gets past when he wants to sleep. But that's expected from him, he takes sleeping pills and when he's out, he is out. I have gotten better about keeping him awake I think too. The thing is, what he explained to me about ignoring me when I'm upset, is that he feels he has said everything he could and I am still upset and he gives up. I am an emotional person. And get upset fairly often. But since telling him being ignored makes it worse he doesn't do it anymore. I am sorry to hear from the last poster that your boyfriend is flat out mean and has an anger problem. I hope you can get out of the relationship or he gets better.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, ashley187 United States +, writes (9 February 2011):

ashley187 agony auntI understand how you are feeling..completely. I love to talk and have always had relationships where we were also "friends". I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years and we are living together. I come home, I don't get a "hello" he just continues to sit on the couch and watch tv. When I talk to him about pretty much anything, he has short responses like" ya or ok" never really shows interest in anything I have to say no matter what it's about. He actually told me one time when we were fighting that sometimes I just annoy him, so I asked him "what do i do to annoy you?" His reply was "Sometimes you dont even have to do or say anything, you just annoy me" So it's like I live with someone who is compltely emotionally unavaiable. When we first met he was nothing like this but after living together it seems like he thinks I'm stuck there and so now he can do whatever he wants without consequences. It's very hard to live with someone and still feel like you are alone. My boyfriend goes to counceling weekly although you can't really see a difference. He takes medication for anxiety and depression although i also think he's borderline Bi-polar. (living with him is like walking on egg shells sometimes, doesnt take much to set him off) The dog can get water on the floor and he's bitching. I love him for some reason i'm not even sure of anymore (Guess I'm hoping he can be the person he was when I met him, that he is a better person than he makes himself look to be) But sometimes I'm not sure anymore. I don't want to give up on him because I know he has a lot of issues, but I want to be happy and in a healthy relationship. If he can't change.. eventually i'll know and when that point comes I'll have to walk out for my own good. I have a lot going for me, I have a full time job in customer service/sales and a nursing degree so I would be fine on my own, just didnt want it to be that way. This morning I told him I loved him before I walked out of the house.. you know what he said? ... nothing. It's so sad.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Abella United States + , writes (5 January 2011):

Abella agony aunthis level of disinterest and apathy sounds more like he's turned off emotionally. Look up Ostracism on the internet. It means being distanced deliberately by another person. Ignored. Not talked to. Treated as a 'non-person'. I call it a 'middle-class' form of bullying. It makes the abused person lose confidence in themselves. It is very cruel. And it is a recognized form of bullying. There is an amazing Professor who done a lot of work on it. I am not saying it applies - but you decide once you have read up on it, regards Abella

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Stayc63088 United States +, writes (4 January 2011):

Stayc63088 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Stayc63088 agony auntLast night we had a fight and I left. Just for a drive, I needed to get out. I have never done that before. I've never left the house at 2am. He didn't do anything. He kept sleeping. I could've gone anywhere and he just didn't care. Didn't call or text or anything. He actually got up and got his phone but just to make sure his alarm was set. He couldn't care less where I went. This ignoring thing goes outside of just typical conversation. When we have fights he won't talk. Sometimes they will start at like 12 and continue past his bedtime so he just shuts everything off and faces the opposite direction and ignores everything I say. Then says I go on tirades while he tries to sleep and he still puts up with me. I understand that it isn't ideal to have a fight past when you want to sleep but it happens so infrequently that we fight like that, you would think he would care when it happens. But it's like he can just ignore me completely like I don't matter at all. And so that ends up being what I get upset about, that he just sleeps while I'm talking and doesn't care about my feelings, then he says I don't care about him because I don't let him sleep. IT's all he cares about. I feel like he can take me or leave me sometimes. I wish I could feel like he actually cares and would never treat me like I don't matter. I think ignoring someone in any situation is saying to them "you don't matter and are not worth my effort in listening or talking to you". but everything is always turned on me. Any time I say that he doesn't care because he won't listen or respond, he says I don't care about him because I don't accept that he isn't a big talker. I am told I need to accept that he won't respond or find someone else. No effort made at all. Doesn't sound like someoen who actually cares and I don't know how to find out if he really does. He acts like keeping him awake from time to time during a fight is as bad as being ignored and feeling uncared for. I feel like what another poster said was right- his emotional detachment is a worry and his empathy is zilch. It worries me. He's great a lot of the time. But during fights and at random times he ignores me like I don't matter.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, olderthandirt United States +, writes (4 January 2011):

olderthandirt agony auntGuys have selective hearing. If you think it's bad now wait til you're married. I'm sure you have very important things to say but sadly, guys don't grow up in an atmosphere that revolves around communication. We're much more interested in activities. So, slap him once, get his attention, then talk.(Just joking, but it works in our marraige).

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011):

dont worry when he is alone try speaking to him and tell it how it makes you feel being treated this way. good luck

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Abella United States + , writes (4 January 2011):

Abella agony auntFor consistently doing this to you, I am sorry to have to say this, but: His emotional detachment is a worry. His empathy level is zilch. And he is rude, and poor communicator. I would find it disrespectful if it happened to me.

Did he grow up in a family where no one talked much? Maybe he thinks talking little is normal? I always admired that my Uncle would sit down with my Aunt and talk for 30 minutes before the evening meal would be served. I thought it a great idea. I adapted the idea in my Life.

OK I get it that some people don't talk enough. But my preference is always a person who can hold their own with me, or talk more than me. Fortunately I enjoy the latter with my guy.

People who are tight fisted about talking, with no willingness to communicate fully, miss out on lots of fun.

Every morning my guy and I schedule 30 minutes to talk before work. We have to set a limit, or we would not get to work. It allows us to cover anything we want to share, or discuss something in the morning news.

After all this time I am delighted that he loves to talk. It puts us both in such a good mood for the day. I am sure it builds bonds. And it means we don't have to save up everything for the end of the day, when we may be tired or have other priorities.

Your guy misses out on so much by being uncommunicative.

Sure most people would not talk much to a detractor or someone they did not trust. But your partner is your best friend, so surely the trust, communicating and support, freely given, between two people in a relationship is natural?

Is he unhappy about something that he is not sharing with you?

Write him a letter telling him how you feel. Ask him to reply by either talking, or in writing. It's not talking, but it is communicating.

Not sure you can change it over night. He has to want to improve. And it may take a while for him to realise how open communication and sharing improves a relationship. Good luck.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011):

I think he is not much of a conversationalist, but also he is being rude you. To say nothing at all through a conversation is impolite. He could at least say I can't listen to this now can we talk about something else, or I'm not in the mood.

Sometimes people are tired, sometimes it is hard to listen to people due to the way their brain works at times, sometimes people just talk too much or for too long, but to say nothing at all ever, especially considering that you do listen to him and communicate with him when he needs it adds up to being inconsiderate. Maybe his brain has been affected by too much WoW?

If you can't get your bf to discuss this more and change I would say you have a major problem since communication is key.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (4 January 2011):

chigirl agony auntI think it's rude. Either stop talking to him and stop playing that game with him, or leave the guy. I mean what kind of relationship will you have with him when this is how he treats you, as someone annoying that he should ignore? How very charming of him.

Just stop talking to him and see if he's at all interested in you. What brought the two of you together? Why are you with him? Communication in a relationship is important, by that I don't mean you have to talk a lot, but you have to be on the same wavelenght and able to understand each other. If his "normal" behaviour is offending you then you have a huge communication problem on your doorstep, and it needs to be adressed.

It's either compromise or walk.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, Jmtmj Australia +, writes (4 January 2011):

Jmtmj agony auntIt's all very well for YOU to say that you don't talk excessively, but maybe he thinks differently? (maybe you do, maybe you don't, I'm Switzerland).

All I know is that there are girls that I've dated who talked to unwind, whereas I unwind by NOT talking. Thats where the problem lies for me (and some others i'm sure). Imagine two people arriving home from their seperate places of work, tired physically or emotionally or mentally, or any combination of the three. One may want to discuss the days events to unwind/relax whilst their partner may just want to unwind with a little peace and quiet... if that makes sense...?

Now it ain't right to ignore your partner, but at the same time, if you've not been giving him enough unwind time then he's giving you a clear sign to give him some space. Maybe talk to him and find some kind of compromise?

Thats just my 2 cents though.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011):

I used to behave like ur bf while I was cheating. He might be cheating or there is something going on in his mind. Or he is avoiding commitment. He should talk by any means. Be strong and challenge him. It will be worst if u got married which I doubt to happen. He is interested just in the sex which I hope is the only thing u liked from him.

Good luck

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Stayc63088 United States +, writes (4 January 2011):

Stayc63088 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Stayc63088 agony auntSeems like a nice excuse if he were 15 or we just started dating. Since he is 30 and we have been together a year I suppose this is how it is. He won't be learning anything new. And I still think it is rude to decide the dialogue is "annoying" or "boring" so therefore he will ignore it. How about he act his damn age and have a conversation, even if it isn't everything he is interested in and loves to talk about. Does every person in every relationship love every single thing the other talks about? Hell no. Does that mean they can just sit there and ignore them cause it is boring to them? No, I don't think it does. Damn I'm still so mad about it. I would never ignore him. Even if the conversation were about something I had no interest in. Ugh!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011):

Hi!

Often times he is probably seeking a different conversation than the one discussed so he blanks out. However, he doesnt know how to convey that feeling properly to you so he just ignores you. This has to do with maturity and with learning to communicate, both of which come with time and nothing against you or the guy. The only time I tune out any woman is when she complains about drama in her life, however, I do have very few exceptions like death or an illness she may need to discuss. It is possible he sees the conversation as annoying or even just not interesting and perhaps you should find that out. Im not saying youre annoying or are a horrible person or girlfriend, Im trying to state this guy seeks different conversation types and doesnt know how to communicate that to you other than by ignoring what you say cause he absolutely lacks interest in the dialogue. Good luck.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

Add your answer to the question "My boyfriend ignores me when I talk!"

Already have an account? Login first
Don't have an account? Register in under one minute and get your own agony aunt column - recommended!

All Content Copyright (C) DearCupid.ORG 2004-2008 - we actively monitor for copyright theft

0.046875!