A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Been seeing a guy for 7months now. Started off casually, us both not looking for a relationship, but it naturally progressed into one that we both are enjoying. We have had to redefine and communicate a lot about what our needs and expectations are and that has been hard, but really great learning and growth. His baggage and issues with commitment stem from his ex fiance breaking their engagement. During his time after the break up, he became close to a friend of his and they formed this weird codependency where in the midst of their relationships, they got attention and affection from each other in a usually platonic way. In 2 years of being friends, they had only hooked up 2 or 3 times, however, they slept in the same bed and cuddled way more often. He introduced her as a friend and I even knew they had hooked up and was fine. But as the months went on, I learned more and realized the dynamic of their friendship had actually been very toxic. She is a lesbian that sometimes sleeps with men but it was clear to me she was interested in my guy, if not explicitly sexually, for his full attention. Anyway, he started to tell me she was getting jealous of me and that she didn't want to be around him if I was there. He had been choosing to spend more time with me over her.There came a point where I told him that with her jealousy issues, clearly it wasn't just a friendship and told him I didn't feel comfortable with her spending the night with him anymore. He felt that it was the right thing to do because it was confusing their relationship and straining ours, but it also hurt him to take that away from them. I never once told him to do or change his relationship with her, just set my boundaries for what was respectful for me. He has since restroactively referred to her as someone he was seeing last year, yet still says she's a friend. I called him out on it the other day when they went to the movies (I was upset because they saw a movie I wanted to see with him, not that he went with her, like I said I am not going to give an ultimatum) but he said "Don't be jealous, shes just a friend" and I said that he cannot retroactively say, "hm, I guess we were seeing each other but I didn't realize it was that until afterwards because it ended with hurt and jealousy" and then call her a friend. She is an ex. The thing is that I am very secure with our relationship. He would not leave me for her and that's not even one of my concerns. I just honestly think their "friendship" was a pathetic codependent relationship to substantiate the ones they were in after bad breakups, and through this bonding they developed habits in their friendship that sabotaged their other relationships. I would be able to move past it if she were not a child and were able to be in a social setting with me and him, but instead she avoids anywhere I am and that makes him have to chose between going to an event with me and his friends or her and his friend and I do not want to play those games. I want him to cut her out and recognize that she is self-centered and childish for making him feel bad for setting boundaries on their friendship to have a healthy relationship. I guess I just don't know what to do because I am not afraid of losing him to her because he doesn't want her like that, but I also and sick of hearing about her but refuse to straight up tell him to not see her. I want that to be his choice.
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fiance, his ex, jealous, lesbian Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (21 April 2018):
"Don't be jealous, shes just a friend".
Your boyfriend thinks that you have the IQ of a rock if he expects you to believe this utter nonsense.
Because "just friends" don't sleep with each other, don't cuddle in bed together, are not jealous of the other's partner and I think even a dog peeing all over the ground would have been more subtle on marking his territory as compared to this so called lesbian friend.
You talk about setting boundaries for these two but they're so past that stage that it's ridiculous! At some level I don't even blame the girl... She's not the one in a relationship... But your boyfriend is and he is much more at fault than her. I know you're uncomfortable with this girl's presence but what exactly is your boyfriend doing? He's having a blast with two women doting on him and he's making no attempt to give you the respect that you deserve.
I'm surprised you're willing to put up with so much for so little in return. Just 7 months in and you're in denial, thinking that he's going to choose you over her when in reality he HAS made a choice. He'd rather have HER. If that wasn't the case then she would have been shown the door by now and you would have been his priority. Ask yourself, is that the case? Why do you have to tell him that you're not comfortable with her spending the night with him? How bizarre is this? How can you not see how brazenly this guy is playing you?
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 April 2018):
 She is his "friend" when that term is convenient (as in whenever you express how it makes you uncomfortable the amount of time and energy he spends on her). Because "friend" sounds harmless.
She isn't harmless for your relationship, AT ALL.
She doesn't CARE. Not about him being happy with you, dating you or him wanting a "real" GF. ALL she cares about is getting HER needs fulfilled. She even USED sex to get him "hooked". As for her being called a lesbian... I don't buy it. She might PREFER women but she clearly knows having sex with a guy means she can easier keep him around. And she wants ATTENTION and AFFECTION from a guy. She seems more focused on "chasing" after getting attention and affection from YOUR BF, than finding herself a same-sex partner to shower with all that affection and attention. WHAT does that tell you?
Personally? I don't think it's a GF (or BF's) job to dictate whom their partner can have as friends. But I DO think it's your job (BF/GF) to set boundaries in a relationship. You tried... but your BF doesn't REALLY respect them. He talked a GOOD GAME about how "He felt that it was the right thing to do because it was confusing their relationship and straining ours, but it also hurt him to take that away from them."
YET he isn't sticking to his words, because HE is getting something out of this. He gets one GF who is loyal and devoted to him and this "friend" who is actually crazy about him and doesn't respect his relationship but showers him with attention and affection.
If I were you I'd have ONE more conversation about this. I would ask him STRAIGHT up how he would feel if the roles were reversed. If you had this "supposedly gay" gay that you had hooked up wit ha few times, cuddled with and was in a attention/affectionate "friendship" with while dating him. While your BF felt he had to COMPETE for your attention.
I'd LOVE to hear his answer to that question.
I would wager a guess that he would NOT like that one bit and that he would find it OFFENSIVE that you kept the other guy around while dating him. Because there had been a level of intimacy that people DO NOT have with friends. Generally, people DO NOT FUCK friends. They do not SNUGGLE overnight with a friend. Come on!
While I DO applaud that you do not want to give him an ultimatum, I do NOT applaud you for sticking by this guy's choice to keep her around... because letting HER go would hurt too much....
This is not going to stop. Your BF doesn't really CARE how this affects you, or he wouldn't continue keeping her around.
You shouldn't HAVE this much DRAMA in your relationship due to a friend of either of yours.
Is he really WORTH keep dating if this is how it's going to be? With her pushing the boundaries because she doesn't respect YOU or them. and with him LETTING her. Because HE gets something from this drama and from keeping her around. And she is constantly undermining YOUR relationship.
You have 3 people in your relationship. You, him and her.
Is that what you want?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2018): [EDIT]:
"That includes people they've dated who seem very active in his life, ex-spouses; and so-called friends, who are way too chummy for my comfort."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2018): One of the things experience has taught me is to get to know and understand the existing relationships between my love-interest and their exes. That includes people they've dated who seem very active in his life, ex-spouses, and so-called friends who are way to chummy for my comfort.
I don't commit until I know the guy is emotionally-available and his friends are aware of the nature and depth of our relationship/romantic-connection. That tule also includes those who are close to me. I make sure they respect my guy, don't step outside the boundaries of friendship; or get touchy-feely when they know our relationship doesn't include that. Of course I hug and kiss my friends. Always have and always will; but appropriately, and like a friend should. No, they don't get special-privileges over my boyfriend. He comes first, and I better be the same in his life. I know my options.
I don't have a collection of exes; and none of the people who are exes are presently in my life. They are exes for a reason. I can make new friends.
My current boyfriend told me right off the bat; who his friends were, and introduced me to them as his boyfriend. They got stinky and jealous; and even accused me to my face of being after his money. They knew nothing about me. One thing for certain, I'm no pushover! I set those snotty bitchy-queens straight. Now they wanna be MY friends. Sure, but I keep them at a safe-distance. I have plenty of real-friends. What they have or don't have is irrelevant.
My guy is a successful businessman. Dealing with people is his gift. He gave them all a lecture and made sure they knew I was "more than a friend!" That's why I love that guy! Huge balls; and of the utmost in honor and of solid character. I don't have to tell him what to do! He's a grown-man!
If someone places a friend they used to boink in higher priority than you; your option is to dump him, and go. He has shown you time and time again who comes first. It's her.
If you don't prefer to play second-fiddle to some former f*ckbuddy; then set your boundaries and standup for yourself. If he won't respect your feelings; then see your way out. You're the third-wheel. I don't compete for anybody. It's all, or nothing for me.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (19 April 2018):
 It sounds like those two have unresolved issues. I can understand you are not worried about loosing him, it does seem that he sees her as a friend, but I also think he might love her as a friend and not want to loose her from his life. She on the other hand seems to want more. Maybe she is at a stage where she is confused about her sexuality. But either way it is not fair for her to make him choose to hang out with her or you. He needs to stand up for your relationship and tell her that if she wants to be a friend she needs to make an effort with you as well. You have set your boundaries which seem perfectly acceptable, but he also needs to see that this is not fair on you and tell his friend that she needs to make more off an effort. If she is jealous of you then she feels for him more than a friend and that simply does not work.
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