A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone! My boyfriend is currently in a difficult situation - he is 41, a barman, and has been off work on sick leave since last August. He had an operation on his back in January and his sick leave ends in the middle of April, so basically he has to choose a whole new career after being a barman since the age of eighteen, and he has no idea what to do and is very depressed.Because of his sick leave, he has had a lot of financial problems. We don't live together, but I have been paying for his food, petrol and medical expenses for the last few months which has been putting a strain on my own finances - this month alone, I've already paid more than a thousand euros to him, and I don't earn very much. For the last few weeks I have been working nights in a bar and giving him the money. This was my idea and I am fine with helping him out.However! His behaviour is absolutely horrible at the moment! I completely understand that he is going through a difficult time and is struggling with the depression that goes with it - but I'm doing absolutely everything I can to help, and he is being icky. When I talk to him, he ignores me. If I touch him, he lifts my hand off his arm. He shows up at my house, says "Give me the money", and leaves. If I stay over at his place, he ignores me completely all night until it's time to eat, then he tells me what to cook for him, then he ignores me again. I'm just getting so tired! I've been doing all his paperwork, sorting out his finances, cooking for him, paying for him and now doubling my workload while trying to take care of my own life at the same time, and I'd just like him to act like less of a jerk. When I tell him that, he says "It's because I'm stressed, it's not your fault" - I know that, but on top of being exhausted, he's making me feel like crap. What can I do?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (9 May 2016):
 You are right it is not your problem, he obvious didn't care about you if he jumped in to bed with another woman, time for you to rebuild your life and enjoy it. Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone, I figured I'd give you an update! I ended up working more and more and more to support him, but it was getting worse and worse. In the end I contacted one of his exes from a long time ago and asked her if she'd be interested in hanging out with him one day, basically to test if the guy was actually worth all the effort I was putting in for him. So she called him that same night, and two days later they slept together, so I finally had a good reason to break up with him without guilt-tripping myself into staying with him through his hour of need.
I guess he'll probably lose his apartment and the care of his child now, but you know what? He's not my problem any more.
It feels quite nice actually.
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A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (31 March 2016):
Is he really being a "jerk," or is he now being a "jerk" because you are now paying for him to live?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha, I can't give you an answer to that at the moment. I'll be able to see more clearly in a few months. For now I'm just taking more space and time for myself - if he's going to behave like that, fine, but I'll stay at home by myself and read a book, or go and have dinner with a friend. The bar shifts I was working are over now (ooof! thank goodness! I managed to make enough to cover his last few months of rent, but I felt like I was going to die) so I have a bit more time to myself.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (31 March 2016):
 So he’s a jerk, AND stupid? Are you venting and intending to stay with this stupid jerk? Or are you venting because you are happy to be ending the relationship soon?
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUgh, I think you're right. In the back of my mind I kind of hope he does hook up with his ex (even though I'm pretty sure he was just saying that to annoy me) - they could get back together and he could be her problem instead. Honestly, the work I've been doing for him over the last few months has been really important - if I hadn't been there, he would have lost his apartment. But I have to confess to a slight ulterior motive - if he'd lost his apartment, where would he have gone? Well, he'd have moved in with me. He has an eight-year-old. I have a house that I own and love, and I'm so happy living on my own that for me to consider living with someone else, it would really have to be something special, and even though I have a lot of affection for him, I couldn't stand living with him plus having his kid half the time (she's a cool kid and everything and we get on fine, but I'm not cut out to be a substitute mother). I just really really want his period of dependency to be over. It's horrible for both of us.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (31 March 2016):
 Then, he IS a jerk. And to tell you the truth, he does not sound SO depressed to me. He rearranges his forniture and makes home improvement stuff and goes to carnivals... all stuff that depressed people have no interest or energy for.
I think he is just taking adavantage of you. He can get so much out of you giving back so very little.
Anyway, even if he is seriously depressed / frustrated / sad / unhappy, -no such state of mind is ever a justification for acting like a brute. An explanation maybe, a justification never. There's a loooot of unemployed and financially deprived people, and if all of them used this an excuse to abuse other people, the world would be a much nastier and unlivable place than it actually is now.
Obviously his appalling behaviour does not constitute yet a dumpable offence and I won't try to convince you otherwise. But, in your own interest : stop mothering him so much !
Women are nurturers , in part by instinct and in bigger part by culture, and often it comes spontaneous to them to turn themselves into caretakers / mother figure for their partners, particularly when these are, or as perceived as, weaker. Like, younger, or socially and financially weaker, or psychologically vulnerable. But, if carried on beyond a moderate extent, it backfires big time.
Moms are not sexy ( unless your name is Oedipus ). Mothers are warm, ressuring, reliable, comforting and a lot of good stuff. But, they aren't sexy, they don't make you horny . Even MILF lovers don't want to f..k their own mom , but somebody's else.
You are turning into a substitute mother figure for him : Your well prepared dinners and the " homework " you do for him will inspire ,maybe, devotion and gratitude, but not desire.
That's why he is happy to partake of the meals you cook for him, but when it's time to have fun, his idea of fun is going solo and hopefully getting into micvhief with a hot ex.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHaha, wait, that made it sound like I said he's a jerk because he's proud of using the scanner. Oops. No no no, I am very pleased about him using the scanner, the jerkdom comes when he tells me "Go work for me, it's like I'm your pimp!" and "I don't want you to come to the carnival with me this weekend because my hot ex is going to be there and it would be a real morale boost if I could get her to sleep with me again". SEE. Jerk.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey! He's perfectly physically capable of cooking for himself at this point - he's running around all over the place rearranging all his furniture and sanding down his tables and stuff, he just needs to get X-rays done to be checked out by his surgeon on the three-month anniversary of his surgery and then he has the green light to get on with stuff. The reason that I make him dinner is just because of his depression. I find it completely understandable that he's depressed and I want to do nice things for him to reassure him that I'm there for him throughout his difficult time.The reason that I'm doing his paperwork is that all through his life, people have done it for him, and he has absolutely no understanding of how anything works, and he ends up with stupid ridiculous debts. So I do his paperwork WITH him so that he can actually learn how to do things for himself like an adult, and stop being so dependent. He actually phones me up with pride every time he successfully replies to an email, and don't even get me started on the first time he figured out how to use the scanner. Baby steps.He's just, UGH! Such a jerk! It's awful! I can't wait for this to be over. I think I just needed to vent.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (29 March 2016):
I think you need to take a step back, you are doing way to much for him, and it sounds like he is not even thankful. Yes I can see why it is tough on him, but he needs to stop taking his stress out on you. You have done nothing but support him. A career change can be a difficult situation to face at his age, but he should go to the job center and talk through his options. You say you pay for petrol so he can drive? Therefore I am sure he can also cook for you, he can sort out his own finances. He needs to put in more of an effort, it sounds like he is treating you as a slave. Be careful you don't end up the one that is ill. Put yourself first and look after yourself, his sick leave is finished soon, so hopefully he can get himself some work and there won't be so much pressure on you then.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 March 2016):
You have become a caregiver, because of his circumstances. It’s a difficult job, stressful and often thankless.
You need to find your own support system, your family and friends are a good place to start. Then I would strongly recommend you find a support group for caregivers of people with chronic diseases.
I’m sure he’s stressed, but so are you, so do be sure to let him know that you will not tolerate being treated rudely, disrespectfully and with no kindness or care on his part.
Stop doing his paperwork, he can do that even if his back hurts, stop dealing with his finances, he can do that if his back hurts. If you are paying for his petrol, that means he’s able to drive and that means he’s able to do some of his own cooking as well.
You need to broaden the pool of caregivers who are helping him out during this difficult time. Where are his family, his siblings, his friends? Are they helping out at all?
Often caregivers in your situation wind up so stretched thin and so stressed out that they wind up ill and in need of care themselves. Especially as you say you are exhausted and are basically doing the work of 2 people. This isn’t sustainable.
I would go to a caregiver support group, get some tips on coping and some advice on how to tell him that you are happy enough to help but will not tolerate being taken advantage of any longer.
He’s got an injury, he’s not crippled for life.
Sometimes you learn more about a person when they are very stressed than when everything is all sunshine and roses. He’s showing a side of himself that is ugly and concerning. Let’s see if he realizes it and starts doing things in a more positive manner.
Don’t do so much you wind up in the hospital yourself, okay?
Good luck. Go get that support for caregivers that you need as soon as possible.
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