A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend has terminal cancer, i want a baby but he doesnt. Should i leave him?We met a year or two ago and we have fallen in love. He has a child by a previous marriage and is content with that but I am becoming desperate.I dont want to cause him any additional worry but I just cant help getting upset.Logically he's right, he's concerened for the child and leaving me in a state but from my side I want something of him to keep when he goes and I'm confident that i could cope.Should i just leave him?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2010): "My partner does not want a child" is a valid reason for divorce.
So ask yourself: "BFchild or childBF" : )
A
female
reader, kih88  +, writes (11 October 2010):
 Sorry, I'm not an expert on this at all, but from some of the stuff I looked at when I did research in college, I thought that certain cancer treatments (specifically chemotherapy) can have an effect on fertility, cause sperm mutations, etc., and that some doctors even advise against trying to have a child with a man who's undergone any sort of radiation or chemo therapy. Have you talked to his doctor to even see if having his child would be possible, or did you get sperm to be preserved before he started any treatments?
I understand your pain; you want to have a piece of him to hold on to for when after he passes away, but perhaps what your boyfriend is upset about is the prospect of leaving you in what he thinks is a vulnerable and difficult position: pregnant and without a partner to help you care for the baby. Maybe next time you discuss the matter with him, explain to him how you'd be able to take care of yourself and the child and that really you want the child so that he can leave a piece of him behind--which will help you. You might even consider speaking to a counselor of some sort with him to figure out how to compromise.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (11 October 2010):
 I agree with the aunts who say that you should not have a child with him, because of what he will be going through in his last months but, above all, because he has said he doesn't want any children.
I think we should not be judgmental here, but, sometimes it can't be avoided. Leaving the man when he is with terminal cancer, because he doesn't want children, is a very cruel thing to do. You would basically be getting rid of the "dead weight", and I'm using the expression very, very purposefully. All the same, I can say that, if I were in his difficult situation, I wouldn't want someone to stay by my side just out of a feeling of responsibility. Being left alone would be terrible, but at least I wouldn't be lied to in the final months of my life.
Cynical me wonders if his not wanting a child is the real reason why this poor dying man would be left alone.
I also think that freezing his sperm without his consent would be just wrong, both for this man (may he spend his final months living as fully as he can) and for the child. It seems that, if a person wants a child, any means are acceptable. Disregard the feelings of a dying man and have the baby who will never meet his father.
Now, this is one situation I would never ever want to find myself in. And it's not just the cancer I wouldn't want. My hope is that, when I go, the person or persons around me are there because they are sorry I am dying. I wouldn't want to go without love. I hope I will never do that to anyone.
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female
reader, LLindy87 +, writes (11 October 2010):
 I agree with bittersweetfinale when they said that you should save his sperm for later on.
btw, if you had terminal cancer would you want the one person you're in love with to leave you? Have compassion and stay with this person, love him and support him through this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2010): when he dies, this man will b leaving his partner who is pregnant, or his partner and baby. Cant you understand how that idea wud torment him in the final moments of his life? Yes you want a baby but as horrible as it sounds your not the the one who is dying. You can still have a baby, just not with this man! I understand how hard it is to lose a loved one. Your parter would probably want to be there for you to love and support his child and he cant do that. He's not being selfish. It seems to me that he is doing this for your own good and being a caring and responsible person
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male
reader, slimfish  +, writes (11 October 2010):
 sorry but if you really love this guy, and love him enough to have a child with him, then how can you even think of leaving him now?.
it just dos 'nt add up.
i think its a selfish act on your part to even think of having his child without his consent, ill or not.
i am sorry for you both in having to go through his illness, but you will get through it. and you will personally find the inner strength to be with this guy till the end.
god bless you both.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2010): Your boy friend is dying, and if he would knock you up, you'd stay, he wont, so your thinking about dumping him. For just a few minutes, can you think about what you just asked?
Your questions appears cold and self-centered.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (11 October 2010):
 As someone who has just lost a family member to terminal cancer, I honestly do not think you understand what will happen to the man you love in the coming months.
He will not be well enough to have sex, let alone have a child and will need all your attention, love and support.
At the moment he is probably in a very scary place. He doesnt know what he wants, what he feels, anything. Right now, all he can see is the clock ticking.
I know you desperately want a child with him, but is leaving him the answer? Can you honestly say you would leave a dieing man just becauase he wont give you a child? If you loved him, you would do what was best for him, not think about your own wants. You have no consideration at all for how he is feeling right now. He is scared, angry, frustrated, possibly in pain. He can see that his life is nearly over. He knows he isnt going to get better. Can you imagine how terrible that must be?
"I dont want to cause him any additional worry but I just cant help getting upset."
He knows he will die. Here you are getting all upset because you are not getting your own way! I am sure he would quite happily swap places with you, and give up all manner of things to not be in the position he is in now.
This poor man needs all your support, and believe me, it will be tough and emotionally you will be all over the place. You will not be in any fit state to care for a baby, and there is a chance that the pain, grief and emotional stress could harm it during pregnancy. How would you feel if you lost a boyfriend AND a baby?
Please take a step back and look at this situation from an wider view. Cancer is a terrible illness and until it touches your life, you have NO idea just how awful this disease is. It takes loved ones with no mercy and often, as in the case of my Grandfather it is quick. He was diagnosed in May and died in August. It can take hold very very quickly and the deterioration can happen within days. You and your boyfriend will need all the support you can get, so please do not let this disagreement damage your final months together. Because when it is all over you will regret it. You are about to go on a very long journey with him, so make this time special.
I send my thoughts to you and your family at this difficult time.
Tiger x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2010): Do not have a baby with him. It is not fair to the child and is an extremely selfish act on your part! Find a man that you love and marry and that wants children too so that you can raise it together. I feel sorry for your boyfriend but maybe he can find someone else to spend time with that is not interested in children. Best of luck as this is a sad situation.
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female
reader, [?]BitterSweetFinale;[?] +, writes (11 October 2010):
![[?]BitterSweetFinale;[?] agony aunt](/avatars/7bb1e9ea-6c2f-43b8-a4f7-0635b7eff08c.png) No, what you can do is have them save his sperm when he ejaculates, so then in the future. When he passes away, you can be impregnanted.. I'm just taking what my mother said. However, I do understand why he wouldn't want one, just so the child doesn't grow up without a father. It'd be a depressing thought.
If you love him, then don't think of leaving him just because he doesn't want a child. It doesn't mean that he wouldn't ever want to have kids with you, it's hard when you have a deadly disease. Just think would you want a kid if you were going to end up passing away?
Just be there for him, and love him, and cuddle with him as much as you can. Don't rush, take it day by day.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2010): You should get married before you have a kid, but you shouldn't leave him just because he doesn't want a kid. I could understand why he doesn't want one right now, because what if he passes away before the baby is born? The baby would have no father and you would be alone. You can still adopt.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (11 October 2010):
 This is a very big and difficult decision, maybe its worth seeing a professional about?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (11 October 2010):
 Well darling this really is a tough one, but if he doesnt want a child due to the fact he is dying so will be leaving another child behind without a dad, try and look at it from his point of view, it will only make it harder for him to accept death if he has another child and see's a new life, it would be very hard. Do you love this man? If you do then how could you even think of leaving him at a time like this? It must be the hardest time of his life, but yet if you are really desperate to have a child and feel if you finish with your boyfriend then you will get one, then do what you have yo do just think it completely through, good luck.
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