A
female
age
30-35,
*uubly100
writes:Hi there,Just looking for a bit of relationship adviseBeen with my boyfriend for a year now. I'm 21, he's the first guy I've slept with as I wanted to wait until I was comfortable enough with a guy.He however, has slept with 15 girls, most of which he has been in a relationship with one after another.I'm feeling incredibly self conscious, as he's had sex with so many girls, and all of them are his friends.This might sound weird and old fashioned-but I personally don't agree that you can be friends with someone, have sex with them, maybe date them for a while, and then be friends again.-please correct me if im wrong.I'm having real difficulty accepting that he has had so many girlfriends-I just feel I'm another one in the list, and even though he says he loves me and he's never felt this way before-I'm starting to wonder how many of his ex grifriends he's said that to.I don't want to meet any of his friends now as I have no idea which ones he's slept with and which he hasn't-and I fear the ones he has will be mocking me as I've only ever slept with him.Any advise to ease my worries, or any similar relationships where one partner has slept with more people than the other would be greatly appreciated xx
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2014): I disagree with the last poster that guys usually have more partners than girls.
A small number of guys have a TON of partners and they also hit on everything that walks. It totally distorts girls' perceptions about what the average guy is like.
Most guys are not very promiscuous. Neither are most girls. The average guy has a similar number of partners as the average girl or even less.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2014): I managed to stay friends with some guys I had sex with. But it's possible only when you have absolutely no feelings for them. Usually guys have more sexual partners than girls. 15 might seem a lot to you but for a guy st not as much even in the young age. Sex happens often, outings, drinking, it's usually leads to sex.
I don't know if you can believ him in what he says, but time will tell.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack  +, writes (20 December 2014):
OP, if you want to make it work then it's best to take baby steps. The first step may be to open your mind to the possibility that you may actually like his friends. They may be really cool people and, if you smile and graciously try to get to know them, welcome you with open arms.
Because you feel the way you do, I would take meeting them slowly. If you can talk openly to your guy, then tell him that while the situation feels strange to you now, you really want to overcome those feelings and perhaps meet and also be friends with some of his friends. If he's a good guy he will understand and be open and willing to be super transparent and help make this happen in a comfortable way.
Next, when the moment comes, make absolutely sure to be friendly to them. Us women can totally sense resentment, and sulking or showing any could poison the interaction from the start. But if they are true friends to him, they will also make a genuine effort to be cool to you.
Finally, if you do all these things and are shunned or treated poorly by any of these women, then at that point it is time to speak up to your guy. You don't have to tolerate being shunned or disrespected by any of his friends.
If everyone is on the up and up, this should work out just fine.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2014): I think 15 is really a lot to deal with, I wouldn't be comfortable with that situation, more because of the number. One of my exes was very attached to his previous ex and I was not ok with it, not because I thought they would get back together although that did cross my mind at some point, or because I was jealous. We spent time together, too much time imo, it is really like having a 3rd person in your relationship. If you don't come first it's not right. And to be honest now that I think of it, it wasn't really totally over on some level.
So even if the relationship is officially over those feelings of being upset seeing your ex with someone else can and do surface.
I remember at least on one occasion where she was clearly not happy that he and I were having sex in a room close by, not actually at a specific moment but the idea of it. If I had thought it would be uncomfortable I would not have allowed that to happen and we would have stayed somewhere else.
Can exes be friends? Maybe in some rare cases, but for most it doesn't work and it is because one or both might consider re-uniting.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (20 December 2014):
 How much of that claim can possibly be truth? 15? I have a hard time believing that. But I do agree with you 5 or fifty There is no such thing as "friends with benifits" no good can come from it! Why not just find a more resonable and truthful mate? This dude sounds like a loser to me.
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A
female
reader, buubly100 +, writes (19 December 2014):
buubly100 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo "chigirl" and "when guys attack" thank you very much for your help, I am fully open to the idea that it's something off in my head-and I think chigirl you've got it right on!
Can either of you suggest any ways of getting over this fear? I do want this relationship to work, and if I'm the problem then I should work to fix it :) thanks again xx
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2014): Do you have insecurities over his habits, or do you have moral disagreements with it?
Our modern culture wants to basically deny the existence of the latter. It has become socially unacceptable to even consider a person's sexual values when you are dating. This view is very fashionable and it makes life much easier for more promiscuous people. But its unfair to less promiscuous people.
You have to stop seeing this as something you must endure and start seeing it as a choice. This is part of who your BF is and you have a choice about being with him or not. The world has plenty of other guys who feel (and live) more like you do about these things.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (19 December 2014):
 "but I personally don't agree that you can be friends with someone, have sex with them, maybe date them for a while, and then be friends again.-please correct me if im wrong"
It's not about old or new fashion! This is a personal preference. Either you're someone who can stay friends with an ex, or you're not. For various reasons, some people can stay friends with an ex and it's a purely platonic friendship. For many, things can never go back to a platonic friendship. Those who CAN NOT go back to being friends accuse the "other" for secretly wanting more, holding torches for an ex etc. Those who CAN go back, typically accuse the others for being jealous, possessive, hung up in the past ect. Unless you're on BOTH sides of the fence on this one, you can't ever understand the other side, and thus wont ever agree with it.
You're on the side that CAN NOT go back to being friends. So you believe, naively, that no one SHOULD go back to being friends, because you think it's impossible, thus immoral. But you're only thinking this way because you can not imagine a platonic friendship being possible.
So you are both right and wrong. You are right, most people can not go back to being just friends, and you are one of those people, thus for you it will probably never happen, and you feel uncomfortable with those who CAN go back to being friends, because you don't understand it and it makes you insecure. But you are WRONG to force your preference on someone else. The fact that you can not be friends with an ex, is not grounds to DICTATE whether others should go back to being friends or not. You have no right to say "other should not do this because I personally could never do it/want to do it".
You can only decide what is right for YOU. You need to let others decide for themselves what is right for them. If you are so bothered by this that is becomes a problem, then realize that YOU are the one with the problem, and you should either change yourself and adjust, or you need to end the relationship and allow him to go be with someone who can accept him being friends with his exes.
Now, for the record, I am one of those who can not be friends with an ex. Or thought I never could be. I currently am friends with an ex, and it is purely platonic. So I know it can happen. But I also know that with most people, it's not platonic, and when they say they are "friends", they really only mean "Im holding out for him/her in case we get back together, but as soon as I meet someone else or he/she meets someone else, we're not speaking any longer".
If you want to know whether your boyfriend is truly friends with his exes or not, just answer this: has he met all of his exes' new boyfriends, and gets along with them fine? If so: yes, it IS platonic.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (19 December 2014):
I do disagree, and have several male friends to this day that I slept with years ago.
Try looking at it this way: your boyfriend is a good boyfriend and a good guy in general if he is still friends with his exes. They didn't break up in a horrible way. He didn't treat them badly or betray them in some way. He doesn't speak poorly of them (if you ever get with a man and all of his exes are b*tches according to him, watch out! You will suffer the same fate!)
So apparently he views women with respect and is kind to them. Sounds like a catch to me!
I would urge you not to give him grief over his friends. They are his friends and he is likely to be unwilling to give them up, and it isn't fair to ask. If you are unable to deal with it, perhaps this isn't the right relationship for you.
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