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My boyfriend has discovered the nasty things I said about him during our brief break up

Tagged as: Big Questions, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (4 May 2015) 2 Answers - (Newest, 4 May 2015)
A female Greece age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hey there

I broke up with my bf 3 weeks ago, our relationship lasted for nearly a year. i was so angry, broken , mad and sad.

there was no reason for the broke up , i don't know why he dumped me , he just said that i lost my interest in you and i cant do this anymore !

The night of my break up i was like a crazy ! i met one of his friends in the bar ! i started to talk about my bf in a bad way, i said that he was not my type but i loved him and i am miles better than him, and i deserve someone better! i mentioned all negative things that my bf does ! i mentioned sensitive things about him such as his personal hygiene, his personality , his bad habits etc. i was just trying to make myself feel better ! i thought this would help me in moving on !

This is part of the healing process (according to some dating experts ) !

last night my bf called me and he said that he regrets dumping me, he apologized and regretted everything he did , he said lets try ourselves again ! i accepted this and i was happy that i got him back !! i really love him ! but what i did was awful

today my bf met his friend (the one i met when we broke! his friend told him what i said about him! such as Jerk !

My bf called me and he said did you say that about me? i said i was mad at you and not aware of what i was saying ! my bf is mad at me now ! but he said that lets see how it goes !

i feel that our relationship is going to be sensitive ! i am embarrassed from what i said ! and i feel that i cant look at his eyes !

what should i do ? how to break this ice !

when i said these things i was heart broken , sad, anger and hopeless !

tonight i will meet my partner so i am not sure how to act,

its going to be the first meeting after the break up !

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2015):

"This is part of the healing process (according to some dating experts ) !"

Excuse me? What experts would recommend publicly trashing people or committing possible defamation of character; as a way of healing?

You can say whatever you want about him, as long as it happens no further than the inside of your brain, it's written on a piece of paper no one would read, or you're venting out-loud to your mother. Even telling a girlfriend sets you up for trouble! That trouble could also be legal trouble!

Taking his business public is definitely your liability! Maybe not so, in your country. It is here the States. If you can prove the scandalous gossip or exposure of private information directly identifies the victim; and all was said and done with malice and intent to create the victim a loss or embarrassment. Like loss of a job, or destroying their standing in the community! We don't always realize the details we expose when in a rage. He'll know you said it, if there are details no one would know but you!

With social media, it's getting easier to prove these days.

Fortunately, it was just word of mouth. It's still going to be held against you. You can count on that!

"He said/she said" is harder to prove, but sometimes you don't know who your friends are. People can turn on you, and take his side against you; or be his witness. They will definitely take it back to him. That too, is your liability.

His friend had a right to tell him what you said. You had no business taking it to his friend, or taking your relationship-business public. Subconsciously, you wanted his friend to take it back to him. So he did! So he's not the only jerk in this story.

Let's hope he realizes you were just angry and forgives you.

If you went "below the belt?" You raised the odds against yourself. So prepare yourself. Your meeting may not be a good one.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada +, writes (4 May 2015):

janniepeg agony auntI don't think getting back together would do any good. You would never get over the hurt that he did to you, and he would never forget what you said behind his back. If you never confront what's the truth, then the doubts would always creep in. Many people get back together not because they suddenly regain interest. When you are broken up you are hard to get again. So what happens is that once he has you he would lose interest again. You want someone that stays with you and understand the meaning of commitment, not a break up artist who thrives on the drama of an on and off relationship.

Don't retract what you've expressed in anger. That's what he gets when he said something then oops he didn't mean it. If you get back with him you would be following the same trend. He realized you lost respect for him and that's hard to get it back. If he gets back with you only because now he has no sex partner then he has no motivation to give you what you really want, which is a true emotional connection. Only people with genuine interest can give each other that.

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