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My boyfriend has been texting other women in secret!

Tagged as: Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 August 2007) 20 Answers - (Newest, 31 August 2010)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

ive just found out recently that my boyfriend has been texting other women in secret and it has crushed me i have been trying to forgive him as he said there was nothing in it.all the trust i had has gone and i have a knot in my stomach the size of a football.now ive just found out again that he has a friend(woman)who he has known for 2 half years and regularly keeps contact with her and has kept it a secret from me. Ive been with him for 4 years and he has not mentiond her once.he says she is just a friend so why keep it a secret? he didnt tell me about her because he feared of how i would react.im so angry. i love him but i dont know what to do.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2010):

I have a bf that I found out after 8 years (last year exactly) that he has been calling another woman a couple times a day. Now he is sending her my texts and pics

go figure after catering to him and doing for him he had something going on the side. Jerk of the decade.

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A female reader, androiddoll United States +, writes (19 February 2010):

Ive become jealous too with my boyfriend of 14 months, but without valid reason. Just a gut feeling, really. A gut feeling that's always wrong. ehehe..

Heres my reasoning though, while I do trust my boyfriend, I believe that I should never really let my guard completely down. So he doesn't know this, but I always check his phone bill online (he's with Verizon). Luckily for me, I was the one who set up his online account. His bill states all calls, from all numbers, the times, etc etc..Also, same information for text messages.. I also check the internet's browsing history (press ctrl + h) ... Call me a nerd or what.. At least, its what satisfies my curiosity and jealous moments.

Of course, I also know that those do not cover all the bases... but still... :-) hope it helps. ^_~

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2009):

Wow.. looks like this really is a big problem. I am just going through the same thing.. My boyfriend of almost two years has been sending and receiving some pretty sexually laden texts with at least two other women that he met on his Smart Recovery chat. It's crushing me and I would love to pack his things and toss him out of here, but he has me between a rock and a hard place. It's almost winter, the propane tanks needs to be filled, the mortgage is $900 a month and we've both recently become unemployed from the auto industry. I am supposed to be registering for college classes tomorrow. For over a year I helped him struggle with drug addiction after his ex girlfriend had killed herself..you wanna talk about being lied to... that was so awful. I put my problems aside to help him. Now my father passes away, I have two herniated discs in my lower back that cause me great pain and require surgery. And he has the nerve to tell me that HE FEELS LONELY because I don't treat him the way I used to??? He doesn't feel loved??? Sounds like a crock of poop to me, and for the time being I'm stuck in it and hating every moment.

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A female reader, MIzzCC19 United Kingdom +, writes (17 August 2009):

MIzzCC19 agony auntI can honestly say I know exactly how you feel. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years and recently found him texting a dating service and recieving revealing pictures and explicit messages from the girls he was talking to on it. I found it very hard to forgive and forget but some how I managed. Then I found him talking to girls on a website and again with no trust left for him at all I managed to forgive him but not totally forget.

Then the other day I was using his phine and he recieved a text from a girl I knew he knew but she didnt have his nubmer and he hadnt had her number in his phone for months as he had a new phone. I thought it was strange as he reacted weird when he saw I saw who it was even though the text was harmless. Then I found him sending explicit texts to this girl and Im supposed to forgive him again and learn to trust him again.I do not know if I can.

My adivce to you would be think long and hard about it all do you think you could live waiting to find out something else is going on r do you think you can forget and move on with your relationship. Trust is a hard thing to earn an my mother always told me with out trust you can not have relationship.

Maybe talk to him about comittment. Tell him how you feel maybe he will come to his senses

Good luck

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A female reader, Sucker for Love South Africa +, writes (9 June 2009):

Shame girlfriend!

I truely know how you feel. My boyfriend and I have been together just over a year now. For the past 6 months I caught him texting other woman. He also subscribed to Dating Buzz - I actually joined and he unknowingly started flirting with me!!! We spoke about the heartache it had caused me and if he didn't want to be true to me or if he wasn't sure about our relationship that he should rather let me go. Well, he promised and begged for forgiveness, that they didn't mean anything to him. I forgave him 4 times. We decided that my daughter and I would move in with him - after I gave up a flat that I could get - and true to this - I found seductive messages on his cellphone again! He's been away on a fishing trip and cannot get enough of telling me how much he misses and loves me. I haven't spoken to him yet but I need to end this as soon as he comes back....

What else can I do - do I give him another chance???

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A female reader, rapunzel777 United States +, writes (9 March 2009):

There has to be trust! You shouldn't have to worry about it. The same thing happened to me and I was wrong for checking the phone but I had to. It just confirmed my gut feeling. Time to move on!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2009):

my bf, keeps texting other woman all the time, his phone is stuck to him 24/7,he is always emailing thm too and thn pasted on his mobile number. he left last yr for a few weeks then cameback,he promised he wouldn do this again, but he has, he even joined second life and asked a girl for sex when i was sat in the same room as him.

Thn made up some excuse and said they got there wires crossed,i kicked off and he thn took it all off the computer, i noitced he still gets emails from this site??

Then tonight he came in from work and took his phone in the shower with him, he made a point of coming out and getting it, whn i checked his phone what a suprise all texts were deleted!!!!!!! i really want to catch him out help me

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2008):

It would not be so bad if this was a friend that he had prior to meeting you. Evidently he is still open to meeting new woman and I am sure he would not have kept it a secret if they are just friends.

You should be able to meet this female but now the damage is done and he has proved to be less than worthy of trust.

Really.. Pay attention to his actions.. You know what the real deal is.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2008):

I am going through the same kind of situation. I have repeatedly talked to my boyfriend about trust and that keeping innocent friendships with women secret only undermines it, but he still does it. last night, we were lying in bed, and he got a txt message from a girl he has only met twice in a professional context, saying "just thinking of you", which i think is quite flirty, especially in the middle of the night. i asked him who that person was and he made up a lame story, but i kept asking, so he told me in the end. he also said he only keeps these things secret, because of my reaction when he does tell me. but i was so hurt - we had repeatedly talked about this person over the last year or so, because she txted him 2x a day at one point, send postcards over to the uk from italy every week, and called 2x a week. i am ending the relationship.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2007):

I am also going through a similar situation. My boyfriend of nearly 2 years texts about 4 other girls, one more than the rest. She was a friend of his from work and as he no longer works in this place he never sees her but he texts her at least once a week. I have now taken to snooping thru his texts as i am so worried. He knows i am a jealous person so i think this is why he doesnt tell me when hes texting her (he says its his mum or sister!) I dont find anything bad in his texts most of the time altho i have found from his sent messages that he says 'hi babe' when he texts her (he says he doesnt see anything wrong with this) and that he has invited her round to our new house (he says that if she agreed then obv he would tell me and i would be there too). I have no reason to think he would cheat but i have been seriously hurt by a boyf in the past who did. He also comments on girls on the tv (wow shes fit) but dont most males do that? I had alot of male friends when he met me and he got over that so maybe i am being stupid and insecure. He doesnt even go out with his mates much, hes with me at home every night so thats good. But when he does (and this is always with male friends) go out i cant sleep with worry and when he tells me what time he got in (sometimes 5 in the morning) i panic about what he has been upto. Please someone tell me if im just being paranoid in ur opinion??

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2007):

What is it with these men my so called boyfriend of three and half years, kept his mobile to his hip, so i got a new mobile mumber and text him secretly and not only did i get the heavey sexual messages back but a video of him showing his manhood to the full degree in my bedroom whilst i was out. Bastard. So what did i do. I arranged to meet him ( he not knowing it was really me ) I PACKED ALL HIS CLOTHES IN THE CAR AND WENT TO THE ARRANGED PLACE. WELL HE WAS SHOCKED. He still lied and said he knew it was me, he got in the car I gave him a long letter and dumped him at his dads one bedroom flat. Oh so sorry he wa coming round etc etc...but that wa goodbye from me

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2007):

I am actually going through somethig similar. My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years. About 5 months ago he took a second job as a bartender at a local restaraunt. He started out slowly but surely coming home from work later and later. I started lsoing trust when he came up with silly excuses. After snooping through his phone I found several texts on several different occasion from the same girl....they seemed innocent but why was he lying and why was he out until 5am when he has a wife and child at home. My advice is to put an end to this behavior now while you still have your self respect. You deserve someone that wants to spend thier time texting you and not some other girl.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2007):

I am actually googling this right now because I am going through it and I know exactly how you feel. I travel and to see that he is texting girls until 2am is devistating to me. We have been together for 10 years and I feel that all trust is gone, he deletes the text so I can't even see if they are innocent and give him the benifit of the doubt. I hate fighting and can't imagine us not together, but PRIDE is correct, I just can't pretend that this is not happening. I think it is a great idea to try and meet the girls he is texting, but if they are scandilous than they might fake it also...bottom line, if he doesn't mention it when it is such a large part of his day, than it is suspect.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2007):

That's ridiculous. If I were you I would leave him. That is just the height of disrespect. BE STRONG. BE PROUD. IF they have stinky feet. Or they snore. Or they take just as long as a girl to get ready. That's tolerable. But Lying and cheating? no.

My ex boyfriend started acting sketchy after 1 yr and a half together. HE was "working" all the time till like late at night. Coming home with alcohol on his breath. When we would go out he would stare at other pretty girls. Stuff he'd never really done before. I confronted him, I was like "what's going on?" "did you meet somebody?" He said no and denied that anything was wrong. Then one day I found an email that he'd written a co worker about how pissed he was to have missed a party that happened the previous night cause a girl that he had had a crush on was there. Gosh you think your knot is big. When I read that, just thinking about the guy who I loved so much thinking of ANOTHER girl in that way, just felt awful.

Shortly after that we had a huge falling out I couldn't take it and I left him. Not even two days after I left I saw that he had added several new girls to his myspace who worked at the place where he always was hanging at after work. It hurt real bad. But I was strong. And I walked away with my PRIDE. And two months later, after not hearing from me, he regretted it and called me crying, and wrote several songs for me. But for me it was too late.

The point is you have boundaries. And he has crossed them. Don't let him walk all over you. Be proud. Love only those who love you back. And he's not really showing you much love right now.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2007):

sorry about your predicament but you've got ot know that you ain't the only one. ln fact am going through the same thing at the moment and it's not a good feeling and what's even worse is that am expectant and stresssed. he also says she's just a friend but she says she's in love and seems so determined to get him. l planning to get away even if it's for a while, l guess you do the same. Hope everything works out for you but don't go do something drastic o.k.

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A female reader, hlskitten United Kingdom +, writes (9 August 2007):

hlskitten agony auntHi

I cant stand any lies no matter what they are.

You have every right to be angry.

I had a guy tell me he kept things from me that were innocent because i would of reacted bad so it was easier to not say. I said to him, i didnt trust you, you went and proved me right.

Didnt stay with him and never looked back. But i was only with him a year anyway. But i cant have someone lying to me. If they know you dont tollerate lying and you have made that clear, they cant expect you to forgive and forget.

I would be out that relationship if i were you but im not so if you want to give it a go i would want to meet these girls hes been txting.

And have a decent chat with him. See whats going on.

C xxxx

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A female reader, lisa kathleen gates United Kingdom +, writes (9 August 2007):

lisa kathleen gates agony aunti had this happen to me, but the girls were sending my bloke pics of their privates, (not nice to see on his mobile) i regret not ending it there n then n sticking around to find he is a cheating moron, sometimes your heart just wont let go! i know exactly how it feels but he was chattin to at least 6 girls. 4 years is a lot of time to just through away admitedly but do u want to get hurt more then what your feeling now??? i know i wouldnt go through the heart ache again.

that huge football sized knot in your tummy will feel like 20 football sized knots if you dont put your foot down, do u wanna be dumped or do u wanna do the dumping? think about it! because he will drop you like a ton of bricks as soon as something better comes along. the truth is their not better theyre just easier to get in bed. and new love always feels good to begin with till he realises what he is losing. lisa x x x

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A female reader, skye United Kingdom +, writes (9 August 2007):

skye agony auntIm so sorry that you are feeling this way. I understand that you have lost your trust in your boyfriend and you are hurt. Lets take a step back from this situation for a minute to gain a complete overview.

You are a sensible woman who will understand if her boyfriend has female friends. Afterall he loves you. It is the keeping them a secret part that bothers you. There must be a reason why he is doing this. Ask him directly and in a calm way why he is keeping them from you.

Are you a jealous person? Im sorry to make you ask yourself this question, but it could be why he has omitted to tell you. Jealousy is very destructive in any relationship and it should always be nipped in the bud right away. If this could be the case, tell your guy that you know this is an issue that you experience and you want to minimise it so you would appreciate him letting you know about his "innocent" friends. Then you can work out the trust issues with your boyfriends help and support. Remember, it is you he is with and you he loves.

If this is not the case then you need to ask your boyfriend who these women are and why he hasnt told you about them. It could all be a silly misunderstanding, but you could be facing a nasty surprise in your future. So find out now.

If it is innocent he will be willing to tell you about them. They could be work mates. He might even agree to invite them around to your house to allow you to meet. On the other hand he might be unwilling and you have to find out why. Secrets and distrust can turn you both inside out.

All relationships need open communication, trust, respect and compromise. So if things are innocent and you speak with him about it and tell him how much his secrets have hurt you Im sure it will sort itself out. If not, well its better that you find out now. You can minimise years of future heartache.

Tread carefully on this issue, but get to the bottom of it or it will continue to eat you up inside.

Best wishes,

Skye

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2007):

Hunni listen here, there are alot of situations like this from time to time. You didnt say how many women? and to be honest we dont all know the answer to why they do it. She could just be a friend, maybe your jumping to conclusion. I know i would be. But have a nice night in and talk to him about how he thinks the realtionship is going.

You can never be to sure with this, how is he acting when you ask him? What movements does he do. Does he change the subject? these are signs you have to look out for.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2007):

i really feel for you on this. i had similar situation few years bk an no matter what good sounds he made about it i just knew there was something that didn't ring true. needless to say we split after much heartache on my part. i'd say trust that feeling in your stomach. trust your instinct. he mite love you and all may be ok. but why keep this friend secret? you could suggest him to introduce you both? it maybe totally harmless but my advice in the cold light of day would be to prepare for a bumpy ride. if your trust is gone now he needs to go out of his way to show you all is fine. tell him he needs to do this. actions speak louder than words.

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