A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm so angry right now that I feel like I could burst! My boyfriend of 10 months spent the night at his ex wife's house after a drunken night out with pals, and even though I believe him when he says nothing happened, mainly because when he is THAT drunk he can't do anything like that, but I'm so angry at the fact his mates decided to ring her to collect him instead of me, and the fact that he thinks I'm just angry because she is his ex. Surely it's pretty obviously going to upset me when I know their history and the fact that she was more then willing to pick him up!Ok, so we don't live together so I had to wait till the next weekend to find out where he stayed after reading a comment on facebook, and seeing pictures of her drinking with them as she came to get him. Am I really making this something it's not, or would anyone think it's just plain rude 1, not to tell me where he slept, 2, not to bother asking his actually girlfriend and 3, the fact he can't see why I'm so mad.They married young, and split after 2 years, but stayed married until 3 years ago. They got back together and broke up constantly, and he finally ended it properly when she started sleeping with other people while she was meant to be back with him. So it's not like they even get on that well. I just don't understand it!
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 June 2014):
 Having been in a relationship where my then bf's friends would do the same type of thing... well, I'm not ever going to go through that again.
If this is a one off, the forget about it. But sounds to me like they like his ex wife and they don't particularly like or respect you. It's not like the ex wife just went there to get him and drive him home, she stopped for drinks, evidently. How much in a hurry could your boyfriend have been to get home, how sick could he possibly have been, if the ex wife had time to sit down for drinks...
Just saying, the story doesn't add up, something smells fishy, and all in all: they could have called you if there was a crucial need to call someone. Them feeling comfortable about calling up his ex and hanging out with her means they are still in good contact with her, which means your ex is still hanging out with her.
You know, MY friends would NEVER think about calling an ex of mine to pick me up or hang out or anything, because they know I am not interested in my ex and in hanging out with an ex. I've made it clear. So, your boyfriend hasn't made it clear to his friends that he doesn't like to hang out with his ex.
And, probably, it's because he indeed enjoys her company and likes to hang out with her. So much, that his friends are hanging out with her, calling her when out clubbing and having her join them for drinks. And don't sit and think that your boyfriend was so shit faced he didn't know who's car he got into when going home, he knew he was going back to his ex.
I'm not saying they had sex, but there are many gray areas in a relationship, and this is in the middle of it: how close is it okay to be with an ex? He's all cuddly and friendly with this one, and happy to spend the night at her place.
Are YOU okay with that? Obviously not. But this will happen again, in other forms.
My ex'es friends were friends with a girl he used to have a big crush on. They knew, everyone knew. But then he got with me, yet his friends would not invite me out for drinks with them and my bf... they would invite this chick instead. So I know how you feel. And it wasn't any fun at all. But then again, there were several episodes with this chick, not just one episode. His friends favoured her over me (like your bf's friends favour his ex over you), but my then bf ALSO had a lot of contact with her, sending texts at night, hanging out with her just the two of them, going camping together just the two of them... And he would compliment her, right to my face, telling me how amazing she was and what a great person she was etc.
Sounds like your boyfriend is somewhat the same as my ex. I had to lay down some ground rules: he had to cut the contact with her. But there were maaaaany arguments up until we reach that point. So if I ever land in that situation again I will just cut right to the point: your closeness with your ex makes me uncomfortable. I dont feel okay about it, and I don't want to spend my time in a relationship feeling like I am second best. If you want to hang out with your ex and spend the night with her, that is up to you. But if so, you are not welcome to hang out with me and spend the night with me. Contact needs to be reduced, otherwise we should end the relationship.
Trust me, if he's so close with is ex still, then there are going to be several episodes like this. It'll just make you feel like crap, and it isn't worth it. It's not his friends fault, really, because your boyfriend should have made it clear to them that the ex is an EX and not a friend. He obviously hasn't made that clear, and you got to wonder why.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 June 2014):
 Personally, the thing I'd have objections against would be ..dating a man who gets so freaking drunk he can't find the strength , or the common sense ( or the money for a cab ) to reach his home after a night out. But, since you apparently are fine with that,... the rest , I'd find it mildly annoying but no big deal.
Who are you mad at, your bf ? Why ?, it was not he the one who called the ex wife, that was his friends' decision, if any you can be mad at them. ... But not really, perhaps. Maybe they called her just because they know her better and thiught she 'd be a good sport about it ( she was - she stopped with them for some more drinking ! ). So it all ended in a merry night of fun and frolic, where nobody got scolded , upbraided or anyway criticized . As probably would have happened ( at least, so they thought ) if they had called YOU. They were just looking out for their friend and tryng to cover his ass - male solidariety :). You can expect this stuff if you date a hard partier.
Personally... I think they did you a favour. Talking about furious, what would make ME totally furious would be to be woken up in the wee hours and extracted from my comfy bed , to go retrieve an out of control, slobbering-drunk bf that does not hold his liquor. Call a cab, call an ambulance, call his mom, ... call his ex wife, but please do not call ME .
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A
male
reader, methuselah +, writes (7 June 2014):
Hi,
You sound like a good person. Please don't settle for this kind of guy in life. Please don't allow yourself to live this kind of life. If she is still part of his life then let them be. Move on to a better situation. Thanks.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2014): If you have a history of going ballistic when he gets stupid drunk; those friends were trying to keep the peace, and looking out for their buddy. Bothering you to come pickup a drunken boyfriend could go really sour.
That was obviously a bad judgment call; and if I were in your shoes I'd be furious too. One difference; I wouldn't let them know it.
However; you give several points that should have diffused some of your anger.
He was too drunk to do anything. He and his ex don't get on that well anyway. His friends are at the root of all this.
One point you neglected to comment on. They just may not really like you. He was a mess, your relationship is relatively new; and they know her better. A drunken bunch of guys are likely to do something really stupid. Intentionally, or accidentally on purpose.
Look how pissed you are! No sense of humor whatsoever. No one wanted to deal with that. They are testing your metal.
So like a bunch of high school adolescents; they may have meant it as a mean-spirited prank. This is one of those things where you have to bite your tongue and shake it off.
Being the new kid on the block, this is not going to be the last of things they're going to do to set you off. Develop a thick skin, or you will become an enemy.
By the way, he's not off the hook. He didn't tell you, and that was pretty immature, and it has shaken your trust. Don't go overboard. Your level of patience and ability to gauge your reactions to stupidity may be a deal-breaker.
People make mistakes. You will too!
You're both still in the early stage of your relationship; where you're learning each others quirks and ironing out bad habits. Try to show a little humor behind this stupidity; but be careful not to come-off too bitchy. You'll suddenly become their favorite target; and they will do all they can to shake you up, and derail your relationship.
You may not like my advice; but that's how some mates roll. They were there through his divorce, and long before you. So they have a solid history as mates. Show them just how cool you can be; they already know how pissed off you can get.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (7 June 2014):
 I agree fully with Auntie YouWish.
He knows WHY you are upset, but playing dense. I have to say if he can't hold his liquor maybe he needs to quit drinking...
I would really question WHY his friends would call her over you as well, UNLESS he told them to.
I'd stop wasting my time on this fella.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (7 June 2014):
I think you have a decent reason to be upset, but in the end what good is that?
His friends called her, not him. He didn't tell you because he knew you'd get mad. He doesn't understand why you're so mad because he doesn't think he did anything wrong.
You can hold a grudge if you'd like but sometimes you just have to agree to disagree.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 June 2014):
 Hmmm. He sounds like a real catch. I need to answer your question with a question:
Why are you with a drunkard with ex-wife baggage? Seems to me that at your age, your prospects, and your good eligibility, you could drop him and find someone much more available and much more sober. There comes a time when college frat behavior is a thing to grow out of.
I'd be very angry too, and to be honest, it would make me suspicious that they were secretly seeing each other. A guy's friends would know if he was with you after 10 months, and even drunk as a skunk, he'd know that you were the one to call.
I'd drop him. He *can* see why you're mad, and he's pretending to be dumb because he thinks that you are. Show him you're not.
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