A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and i have been together for 3 years. Within the first year he was always kissing me, cuddling me, etc....but now he barely comes near me. It's ME who's always going to HIM, i've tried that thing where 'you let them come to you' but i like affection AND it didn't work, and when we're in bed i'm hoping he'll put his arms around me but he just turns over and goes to sleep. We're pretty open when we talk, i've told him how i feel, loads of times, he said he's not seeing anyone, that he still loves me and is still attracted to me but he doesn't have the urge. So what does that leave? I really love him but no matter how kind, sweet and caring he is i can't live with this, i need someone to WANT me.
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male
reader, daddylonglegs  +, writes (3 October 2010):
You sound like a nice person, and the answers people have given you are really good, it is hard to know what to do, and there could be a combination of things that are causing him to react like this.
I have had my own personal experience with someone who acted in a similar way, being a man with a high sex drive and liked show affection, i too became unhappy, she did suffer from depression so i tried to understand her feelings for me.
You do have to really sit down and talk together and see if he does still loves you, it will not be easy but it does take two have a relationship and you do deserve more.
I hope this does help, taking snipits from all these answers on this forum will at least get you to find a
way of going forward, even if it is not the one you would like, but stay positive and good luck
A
male
reader, bruce lee  +, writes (3 October 2010):
 I guess you have to do what you think is right at the time...then, what you're willing to live with.
It's an awkward situation. Maybe he is scared of something.
Some guys are scared of becoming fathers. That thought can be enough to put them off sex. By the way, have you two had an argument about anything lately? Maybe you said something that offended him. Is that possible?
Hope it all works out. You sound like a nice person, unlike a lot of the people who use this forum.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 October 2010):
 I think he might try and use marriage as a carrot to make you stay with him, because he knows he doesn't provide you with what you need.
Make sure he understands this is a serious problem, and talk clearly about exactly what both of you can do to fix the problem. Ask him if he has a lower sex drive than you have, how often a week would he like to have sex? How often would you like it?
If this is a case of low sex drive (and you will only know if he actually tells you he has a low sex drive, don't go around guessing) you need to compromise. Example, he does it one extra time a week even if he doesn't "feel the urge for it" and you keep your lust in check for one extra time even when you feel you are burning up from needing him. Do something else instead, like have a hot time by yourself with candle lights or in a bubble bath or whatever you think is a little fancy and would make you happy. Compensate, communicate and compromise. Just because he doesn't feel the urge, he needs to understand and respect your needs. It is not at all fair that you go to him all the time. But this is something you both need to work actively with. One small talk and then no action wont solve it. Make a concrete plan of action. How many times a week, and how many times for each to make initiative for example. Talk about sex, talk about what you like in bed, talk about alternatives (example showering together, masturbate together, or go nude swimming together... ). Explain each other how you feel when this or that happens or is done.
If this is simple neglect and he has just as much a desire for sex as you, then he needs to get his act together before he looses you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe still shows affection sometimes, like he sits down and puts his arm around me and he holds my hand when we go around town, and just today we were in a cafe and he wrote out the words 'i love you' on my arm with his finger but he just doesn't have any interest in having sex with me?? I'm just after modeling my knew underwear and hoped he'd follow me upstairs but he didn't. I don't want to have to keep coming to HIM. He said after 3 years you lose a bit of that urge in a relationship, i agree, i'm not dieing to have sex every day but i still want him. And i also think he's thinking of asking me to marry him cause he's talking about marriage a lot and he's asked me what i thought of two rings. I would LOVE to marry him but i couldn't live with this, apart from this problem we're SO right for each other. Leaving him is easier said than done. It's really upsetting me.
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A
male
reader, slimfish  +, writes (2 October 2010):
 i dont think he really loves you. that maybe something your'e not prepared to hear.
tell him you need sex and if you dont get it from him tell him you will seek it elsewere.
see how he reacts then.
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A
female
reader, JackieW0719  +, writes (2 October 2010):
 Be sure that there aren't any medical reasons for why he is behaving this way. Some men do suffer from low testosterone, one of the side effects is that they have no desire for sex any more. Depression is another reason why men may feel no desire for sex either.
Both conditions above are treatable. If neither is the case, then he is neglecting your relationship and a very candid conversation is in order, one where he understands that you need affection and intimacy.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (2 October 2010):
Here is something that better explains what I mean:
http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/neglect.html
Maybe you should google "neglect". Basically what he is doing is neglecting the relationship.
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A
female
reader, Princess _008  +, writes (2 October 2010):
if he does not seem to be attracted towards you, then its your effort to make him feel attracted. try wearing sexy clothes or releaving clothes. red bra and panty in the house at night shall be a good option :) you can also try perfume. watch some romantic film together. the urge will come on its own
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (2 October 2010):
Have you explained to him the difference between still being attracted to someone and actually SHOWING it? What does he say when you tell him you need him to put his arms around you? This is very selfish of him. Just because he doesn't feel the urge to do it, apparently he doesn't have anything AGAINST it, as he doesnt find you repulsive. So he really should just suck it up and put his arms around you, or be cuddly in other ways, to simply maintain the relationship.
I fear he is taking you for granted. To me it can be compared with a plant. He got the plant and for the first year he nurtured it. Then he left it alone and expects it to keep on living and be healthy? The plant here being your relationship... and you. And he is unable to maintain a healthy relationship.
These things can be thought, if the man is mature enough to understand it. It is very simple and easy for him to show you attention, and he really just needs to suck it up and put in some effort. Some men seem unable to do this at all though. If your man doesn't change his ways you either have to get used to the situation, or leave him.
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A
female
reader, Time wont let me go  +, writes (2 October 2010):
 This is just my opinion , in the end its up to you and what you feel is correct. Well tell him that one last time, and if nothing happens tell him you done and you need someone that will give you affection and that it's not working. Then go find someone that does give you affection, but dont be surprised if he tries to come back to you. Just remember it might change in the start if you go back to him but it will probably just end up where you are now. Good Luck Hope All Goes well.
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A
male
reader, The old Man? +, writes (2 October 2010):
 While many people say that a relationship can't be based upon sex, I am always the one who will chime in and add the part of ::
Yeah, but a lack of it can sure ruin one!
You're in a heck of a situation here. Luckily, you aren't married.
There is no one who will worry about YOU, more than YOU! You need to do what's best for you. Are the two of you discussing marriage? If so, are you willing to commit yourself to a life of no attention?
If I were in your situation, I'd be putting and end to this relationship, and finding someone who not only loved me, treated me good, made me happy, but WANTED me...
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