A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear CupidI'm with my bf for past 2 years and it's going on good and we meet on weekends and stay together on weekend. One thing that concerns me, not sure if I should be, he doesn't want to meet and around me whenever I'm sick, he says he doesn't want to get sick either. I know I should get it, but it makes me sad that i have to be alone whenever I'm sick. My family is not here and I don't have much friends who will come over and i dont expect that as well from them.Am i taking this out of proposition . Am i asking too much from my bf, otherwise he is good and decent. Please advice.Thanks Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2017): My wife does that to me. Everyone's different!
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (23 December 2017):
 OP, simply put, he is a "fair weather" BF.
Unless he's germ-a-phobic, has a weak immune system and your contagious with the plague I give him no applause for abandoning you with a cold etc.
He easily could have given you support, show he cared by; running errands for you, done some shopping if need be, see to it that you where comfortable, medicated, had an ample supply of tissues, had meals prepared for you to microwave, clean up a little for you, and call you regularly to check up on your condition. These are all things doable for someone, namely a BF of 2 years can do without getting ill himself!? Lo and behold sick sniffling children if there's to be a future with him?
Of course, "he doesn't want to get sick either", who does? However did he take steps (initiative) to see if you needed anything in order for you to rest and feel cared for?
Hope you are feeling better soon OP - CAA
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A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (23 December 2017):
Cindy maybe I have been ‘spoiled’ by that to a certain extent, although I do think people are overestimating the leniency of the UK sick policy. In my particular job, I can be off for 5 days before I must provide a medical certificate from my doctor. If I didn’t and was off for longer than that, I’d lose my rights to receive statutory sick pay (£89 per week, which is around one sixth of my usual take home pay, or £2.22 per hour).
In addition, if I was off on more than two separate occasions per 3 month period, I’d have to speak to the occupational health team and explain why. That could be two single days or two longer periods. This would then be monitored and if I took a third absence within that time, even for a day, I would again have to provide a medical certificate providing evidence that I was genuinely unwell. Otherwise, no sick pay again, and this time I’d be put onto a ‘health management plan’ which allows them to take disciplinary action including dismissal if I continue to take time off.
The only exception to this is serious diseases such as cancer, but again these must be evidenced with regular medical certificates. Such an illness would entitle you to a maximum of 180 days statutory sick pay. That amount of money wouldn’t even cover my mortgage (£400 p/month) never mind food and bills, so it’s not like it’s easy for people here to be off sick either.
Besides that, I think you might be missing the point of what I was saying somewhat. It’s not like I’m saying if a person loves me he must get sick for me, no questions asked. I’m saying people get sick, and it’s not practical or kind to run away from or avoid our loved ones as soon as they are. Now if I had the flu or something that could really knock someone off their feet then I kind of get it, because I wouldn’t want to inflict that on them and make them feel awful too. But a common cold or sore throat? If I avoided everyone who had one of those I’d never leave my house!
Plus it’s not like it’s guaranteed that you’ll always catch it if someone you are close to has a cold. I used to live with 7 girls at uni and there was no occasion when all of us were sick at once. Usually one or two of us would be struck down while the rest came through unscathed. Then a few months later another couple would get something, and so on. But it never even occurred to me to avoid them or move out because of it. Because we are friends and they were sick and in my mind, being a good friend doesn’t mean abandoning someone for something as minor and uninvited as the common cold.
I mean what happened to caring for our friends and family?! Are we really in a world now that thinks it’s ok to put ourselves above our loved ones any time it might cause us a minor inconvenience to do otherwise? That’s not how I was raised I’m afraid.
And as for them not being married. Well no they are not, but I was always told that you should never go into a marriage expecting someone to change. So if he’s not a caring person now, when you are just dating and he’s supposed to be putting his best foot forward, then I very much doubt wedding vows are going to change that.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 December 2017):
 Jls022, I can see where you are coming from, and, ultimately, as you say, you know which kind of relationship works for you and which does not, so if your ideal relationship is one where you share everything, including the sniffles :) who am I to criticize-
YET, I think your perspective may be rather skewed by having been " spoiled " by living in a country which, as all European countries, has Statutory Sick Leave
( whether the minimal one paid by the State or a more generous one paid by the employer ). One tends to take so many things for granted ,living in a country like yours- or mine , where you have up to 180 days a year of 100% paid sick leave.
I think you did not consider how much bigger of a deal is taking time off from work in USA , even for health reason.
Only 6 States offer mandatory paid sick leave, in all the others it's up to the employer who may offer it or not. And, guess what, very often they opt for NOT, like in the food and hotel service industries where only 20% of the workers get paid sick leave.
And since in USA the streets are not actually paved with gold ; i.e. sure there are great opportunities for growth , career and making money .... but there's also a whoooole lot of people who live hand to mouth , or on modest salaries , so yes , catching those 3 days of sniffles " for love " may sound romantic , but those few hundreds it will cost you may mean that YOU fall back on rent or utilities because your GF was sick ! and at this point it's not really a romantic thing, it's plain foolish.
Regardless of the money angle, we should also consider that firing employees is a much easier, faster procedure in USA . We've got a weakling, it's the 4th time in a year he 's got a cold ? No problem: he can easily be replaced with someone else, hopefully healthier.
This of course is not valid for all employees , if you are a corporate hot shot you don't risk much, but if you are Average Joe you may want to be careful in not taking time off more than its strictly necessary.
We take so many things for granted in Europe. Like NHS. We have it ( and we bitch about it ). They don't.
By the way , in case the Anerican Dear Cupiders are getting annoyed- I am a big fan of USA where I lived happily for many years. In every culture and society there are pro and cons,- I am not saying that one system is necessarily better than the other. But it's like a different world, and one in which making romantic gestures .. is for people who can afford it.
But what about if they were married, you say. Well, that's the point !, they are not. Beside the fact that I don't see why two married people could not at least sleep in separate rooms when one is sick with something contagious, -( and many choose to do so !) -, anyway when you marry you take up some very big heavy committments, like " in sickness and in health ", which pertains precisely to a marital status. But the OP and her guy are just dating...
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 December 2017):
 I would dump him. Ever heard of "in sickness and health"? I want to be taken care of when sick. I do the same in return. Omg imagine if you lived together /started a family. He would evacuate the house each time someone got sick and leave you alone to deal with it. I can see a future with someone like this, so I would have ended the relationship.
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female
reader, jls022 +, writes (22 December 2017):
You know I remember posting a very similar question about my ex boyfriend some years back. He was the exact same way - the slightest hint of a sniffle and I was abandoned until it cleared up. In fact one time I remember sneezing a couple of times in his car and I actually wondered if he was going to kick me out at the side of the road!
I got similar answers to you too. It’s sensible; no-one wants to get sick; why would you even ask him to risk it just to keep you company etc etc. So for a long time I put up with it.
But the more I thought about it, the more I realised that’s actually not the type of relationship I want. I’d never dream of avoiding contact with someone I love because they had a bit of a cold, and I’m not happy being with someone that’s willing to completely cut me off for such a small thing either.
Personally if I’m in a relationship with someone I love I want to spend time with them regularly, and if that means risking the odd bug now and again I’m willing to take that risk. And I want to be with someone who feels the same way as I do, not treat me like a leper every time I’m less than 100%.
I mean how would that even work long term anyway? What if we moved in together or got married? Would he move out for a few days every time I caught a cold or had a sore throat?! Or what if we had kids and they got sick? Would he abandon them too?! It’s ridiculous in my book, and not in keeping with the type of relationship I’m looking for in my life.
Now I’m not saying my ex was a bad guy, he was just incompatible with me. And this issue was a symptom of that wider incompatibility and the fact that he was simply looking for a different type of relationship than I was.
His parents were the same - they never went on vacations together because they figured they see each other every day anyway, whereas my parents prefer to see the world together as a shared experience. His parents refused to compromise on what to watch on TV or at the cinema, rather they watched separately in different rooms or went alone because why should they have to ‘suffer’ through the orher’s interests? Whereas my family do compromise and like to at least try to find common ground and shared interests. He was like his parents, I’m like mine. Neither of us are wrong, just different, but it did mean we were wrong for each other.
So I’d encourage you to have a think about whether any of this sounds familiar. Because other people can tell you that he’s being perfectly reasonable and you should just suck it up it as much as they like, but that doesn’t mean that’s the best option for you or one that will make you happy long term.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (22 December 2017):
I think it makes sense. As Allumeuse says, you are in USA, I am pretty sure he can't take all the paid sick leave he wants, and so IF he has sick leave he will want to keep for when HE is sick. He does not want that " your " cold may cost him X money, and, as unromantic as it sounds, IMO is totally sensible.
Then again, it all depends which level of sick. Cough and cold, accompanied by high fever, and other severe aches and pains ? Then yes, you should stay snug and quiet in bed, rest as much as possible and sure it would be nice, and useful, if your bf were around to make you a cup of tea or a bowl of chicken soup. If you were really miserable / bed-ridden, then yes, I guess he should risk it.
But a normal, run -of-the mill cold ? Just a case of pesky sniffles ? You don't really need to have people over and help you , you can still prepare yourself some hot beverage or a light meal. Yeah I get it, you 'd miss the company, - then again I'd think that you would not want your bf or your friends to get sick too ,just because you get bored spending the day alone ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Allmeuse for your insight , He doesnt want to live together until he buys a place.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCold, cough and headache
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male
reader, Denizen +, writes (22 December 2017):
 What kind of, 'sick', are you talking about?
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A
male
reader, Allumeuse +, writes (22 December 2017):
People are very very different when it comes to how to treat people when they are ill, when I was young I was sent to my room, and left to my own devices, a meal would arrive at meal times on a tray and then my mum would get on with her thing, it wasn't uncaring but it wasn't a big deal and I thing it was to prevent making being ill fun so that I'd want to miss school.
My ex was so different, when she was ill she was doted on and waited on by her mother, so as an adult she was pretty much the same, she wanted me to stay home and care for her, it seemed pretty dramatic.
I live in the UK, employment law here is pretty strict, and employers are European in their attitude, you don't get into trouble for taking time off, you certainly can't be fired for being sick, and quite often you get paid when you are sick. In the US things are different, so I'm not surprised he's keen not to see you in case he has to take time off work.
What I'm wondering is why you are still living apart after 2 years? You're in your thirties now, is there a reason your relationship seems to be treading water? Perhaps this event is a lightnining rod for deeper questions about your relationship. Who knows, but on its own it's probably personal differences.
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