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My boyfriend doesn't say "I love you." What are your thoughts?

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (18 June 2018) 4 Answers - (Newest, 21 June 2018)
A female age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hello all. So my inquiry isn't as serious as most, but I'm curious as to what your thoughts are, aunts and uncles.

I have been dating my boyfriend for almost a year and a half. He is a very good man and while we have dealt with some small issues, we always just talk them out so we are both on the same page, and everything is good.

Well, one thing that I've noticed is, he really doesn't tell me he loves me... We have talked about it before. He tells me he doesn't say it often, because to him, words are just words, and actions speak louder. Then he asked me if I felt loved, because he wants to make me FEEL loved, instead of just saying the words. To me this all makes sense and I'm happy about that. We both do things for each other and show we care. So why does hearing those words mean so much to me?

I feel like I want him to say it sometimes, not in the way people often throw around "I love yous" I don't mind if he is reserved. To me if I love someone, I tell them. He has told me twice that he loves me.

He will tell me things like : I care about you, if I ask him (which I have a couple times before he told me he loved, me this was one year in) he will say he has love for me. But saying "I love you" is really not his thing although, when he says it, he means it. I have my answers. Still it would be nice to hear an "I love you" sometimes.

I told him I loved him last week, and his response was " What I feel for you goes

beyond simple taste, too baby."

So what do you think? I'm very happy with him. He is a very busy man but always makes time for me. I am I just being insecure? I should just accept this is the way he is and continue on with him? Do I tell him how I feel about this, this time more directly? I'm not sure. Should I leave it alone??

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A female reader, YouWish United States +, writes (21 June 2018):

YouWish agony auntMy thoughts are that you need to communicate to him that you HEARING the words "I love you" is just as important to you as having sex is to him.

Would he think you loved him if you refused to have sex with him? If you said that you don't think that love is in the physical acts, so you don't like to do it that much? Women need emotional connection as much as men need physical connection.

Tell him that his withholding words of love and affection and endearment are just as wrong and horrible for you as you withholding physical ACTS of love and affection.

I don't think he realizes how important it is, and that analogy should give him some idea. If you were to start withholding sex except for maybe once per year (or whatever the frequency of his "I love you" is), the relationship would break down.

Tell him it goes both ways. There IS no "He doesn't have to say I love you if he SHOWS it" if there isn't "She doesn't have to couple with me if he KNOWS I love him".

Relationships are about meeting MUTUAL needs, not one person holding out because they don't feel like doing what it takes.

If he doesn't say it because he doesn't love you, then you shouldn't be with him.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2018):

He was raised to demonstrate his feelings through his actions; not to say mushy words. My dear, our society has been far too influenced and brainwashed by Hollywood and Hallmark.

He has told you he loves you, and he said something that moved my heart:

"We have talked about it before. He tells me he doesn't say it often, because to him, words are just words, and actions speak louder. Then he asked me if I felt loved, because he wants to make me FEEL loved, instead of just saying the words."

He's a man of few words, he's not the sentimental-type; but it's important to him that you "feel" loved. Guys tell women they love them all day long. They go to the next girl, and say the same thing. Then walk-out on them both.

Real-life is different from romance novels, chick-flicks, and soap operas. Good-men are hard to come-by. We live in a world of phonies, flakes, cheaters, and players. If you snag yourself a simple guy who demonstrates above the words; sit back, and savor the knowledge. Go with the flow!

I had a loving-partner for 28 years. He seldom said "I love you." He did stuff. He made me feel good. He stood beside me, he supported me through thick and thin. He protected me, and he lavished me with gifts; and did wonderful things out of the clear blue. He gave me "that look!" He'd go to hell and back for me. He died of cancer. I felt more loved than I can put into words myself.

I've found love again; and we show it more than we say it. The words pop-out now and then. His actions mean a lot more to me; because I want and get proof. Not just three words that can be said; and have no meaning behind them. Romance comes from what you do, not what you say. Love is not just a word, it's an emotion. Something felt.

I betcha if you went deaf tomorrow, and could never hear the words; you'd know he loves you. Put his arms around you; and bury you head in his chest. If his heart beats fast, it's all for you!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2018):

Judging by this post your love language is words of affirmation. You appreciate verbal words more. Your boyfriends acts of love differ from yours. His way of receiving love is different than yours.s I think you should explain to him that words have a bigger meaning to you and that its your way to feel loved. How often do you need to hear it? I think you should read the book titled, "The 5 Love Languages" , you can find a free edition online. And it will cover the topic on how receiving your form of love is important. All the best. :)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2018):

Not everyone wants to say the words and he is telling you he expresses his love for you in other ways. But asides from that you haven't been together all that long so maybe he doesn't have a deep love for you and isn't stringing you along by saying it all the time.

If you FEEL like he loves you in all he does then that is your answer, why push him to say the words frequently, surely you would not believe him if he started saying it more often because you have told him you want to hear the words, hardly a reassurance....

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