A
female
age
41-50,
*roken_Crown
writes:I've been seeing my boyfriend now for almost 3 months and I really love him. I've felt like I love him for sometime but suppressed telling him because it wasn't quite the right time and it didn't feel like the right time. Then last weekend we were together and during an intimate moment I told him I love him (it sort of fell out of my mouth) I felt really annoyed with myself that id said it at that moment. But it was like he didn't acknowledge what I said. He kissed me heavily but that was all. I don't expect him to say something he doesn't feel or feel comfortable with saying. So anyway I felt a bit annoyed with myself. I didn't say anything about it. Then Saturday night we were snuggled up and it felt like the right moment so I said it again and he said 'pardon?' So I repeated it a bit louder and he said 'Pardon?' again I felt a bit embarrassed so i said nevermind it doesn't matter. Dont get me wrong I'm not feeling wounded about it I'm just a bit confused I think. Do you think he really didn't hear? Should I bother saying it again? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (13 October 2015):
 Crown: You said this happened "....during an intimate moment...." Soooooo,....
.... HOWIZZIT... that he is all at-attention, on alert when you spread your legs.... but his ears malfunction when you express a feeling (love) that many of us believe has a vague relation to sex???????
Do you get my point?
(P.S. My instance was a girl who ... when I told her I loved her... told me "Yes... and I like you, too... a LOT!!!!")
My advice stands....
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2015): Next time he says "pardon" just answer "granted!" It is a standard response. As to why he asks your pardon when you say "I love you.." perhaps its because he rarely heard those words before and has no idea what to say or he has selective hearing and was expecting you to say "would you like a beer darling!"Or was he just absorbed in watching the rugby and didnt hear a word and thought you were probably saying something like "the bins need emptying ..its up to you!" To which he said pardon because he wasnt listening and didnt want to miss the commentary or empty the bins right then.Or finally he is deaf in one ear and literally meant "pardon..im deaf in one ear and i didnt want you to find out so soon!"
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2015): Pardon was a nice way of saying ok please don't say that i am not ready to say it back yet but don't want you to get upset... He didn't want you to repeat it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 October 2015):
 I think the other aunts have given you some great comments here. My thought on his comment "Pardon?" is that he was hoping you would slow down just a bit. Just a little verbal cue to alert you that you may be moving too fast.
Lay off saying the phrase for now. Wait at least another 3 months before even beginning to think about it. Give him time.
I also think that telling him that 3 months in is too soon.
So relax, enjoying getting to know him and just allow things to develop in time.
There's always someone who feels it first, just don't get too wound up or worried that he's not saying it right back. In fact, I think it's a good sign that he's not rushing into saying anything he doesn't actually feel comfortable saying just yet.
Oh, and he heard you. So relax on that. He knows.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2015): In defense of your boyfriend, perhaps he isn't ready to say "I love you" in the span of three months. You're basically still under evaluation; and in an emotional-probationary period, as far as relationships go. If you're committed, words of affection should come freely; and not be forced nor demanded. He was letting you know it was too soon.
I'm a very affectionate person. I show my feelings better than put them in words; although I have very little trouble expressing myself. I am not reserved in the romantic department; but I mean what I say, and I say what I mean.
My boyfriend always would part with "love ya" or "you got my heart, babe!" I might say "back at you," or "me too;" but I will not use the words "I love you" until it comes out with a ton of feelings behind it. I mean real feelings. I don't say it, because I want to hear my echo.
Give him time and reason to love you. He's slowing you down, and the words "I love you" after sex is far too often said as a reflex; and not really meant from the heart. It comes from another place; and often means "I love what we just did."
Don't judge him harshly at this point. It might take time for these words to form, or to be meant truly from the heart. If it isn't said soon enough for you, then you have the option to move on anytime. He can say it, but not mean it. Then you'll attach your feelings to a lie. It would hurt twice as much when it is discovered he never really meant it.
Personally, I wouldn't want to hear them until then. I didn't use the words "I love you" until we were nearly a year into the relationship. That's just me. Not because I didn't love him; only because actions speak louder than words. When I did, we both stood there frozen. Maybe because it caught him off guard, or he had waited and hoped to hear them. Maybe all of this.
However; he tells me all the time if he has known anyone to care about him; he knows for sure he's got my heart, and he feels at home there. He gets mushy and sentimental, but this is otherwise a very tough guy; and he doesn't play around with people. He judges you by your behavior, not by what you say. So he knew long before he heard me say it. I didn't hold back for any reason; accept I had to "know" I was getting it, before I was ready to proclaim my own feelings. We kiss and hug a lot, hold hands, and snuggle all the time. That's besides the point. It's what's in his heart that counts.
I got dumped by someone who told me he loved me less than a month after we met. It took me six months or so; before I thought I felt the same. Ten months in, he said I deserved someone better. Two months after that, he was dating someone else. From what I've heard, that didn't work out.
We have mutual friends. The guy was devastated. He'll get over it just like I did.
If he loved me, would he have dumped me without an argument or fight? We were great together, and had a lot of fun. He didn't really mean it. I found real love after that. He shows it everyday, and don't think for one minute I don't reciprocate those feelings. Just a glance between us says it all. Give time, and see what you get before you hear the words. You'll know it by his actions, not by just the words.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (12 October 2015):
 I think he could't believe you said it and wanted to make sure he wasn't dreaming. From your last posts I learned he was shy, socially awkward, can't perform well in bed and probably overweight and not fit. So he could have a low confidence and doesn't understand why you love him. I would say he's worried about not being able to keep you, and not that he's noncommittal. I would ask him if he would rather not hear you say you love him. I guess he would miss it if you stopped.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2015): This may sound dumb but it is a very hard thing for a guy to say aloud. No, I don't know why exactly...I just remember how hard it was for me to say the words.It just seemed like at the time I'd be commiting myself to a life long thing of Having to be tied down to those words and there wasn't a way out once said. Scary thing to think about. It's like jumping off a cliff. You can't change your mind once in the air.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (12 October 2015):
 I fully agree with YouWish.
3 months is kind of soon to say it, but he HEARD you and ignored it. He could have said thank you, or I'm not ready to use those words instead he said... Pardon?
He probably felt a little cornered. He he is thinking you two are still somewhat casual, enjoying getting to know each other, no pressure and then... YOU said, ILY. And he had a panic moment, where he knew if he said it back he would be lying and if he said nothing... he would hurt your feelings.
So I think you should follow YouWish's advice and TALK to him about it. Make sure he understand that it wasn't said to pressure him into saying it - and that you don't want things to be weird. DEFINITELY not right after sex. And not with the lights out. Do it at a time when you can LOOK at his face and gauge his reaction.
And I agree with the 6 months timeline too. Around 6-12 months you get to "see" the "real" other person, their quirks, habits (good and bad), what makes them tick.
I think he is either not ready, or.. he is not feeling it, yet.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (12 October 2015):
 Many people would consider three months to be way too soon to say the "L" word. And in most cases, while it means an emotional expression for a woman, for a man, it's more. It means a commitment, a new set of expectations and obligations, and is considered the decision to "become serious". Those implications take time to consider, real time to get to know someone, and time to decide if that's the way he sees you and the relationship. He may "feel" the same feelings that you do, but love is a much more weighty thing to say than just a "feeling".
If I were you, I would not say it again. Like I said - it's too soon. But I'm not letting him off the hook either. He should be honest and tell you that he's not there yet. His response was a dodge, because he knows that you made yourself vulnerable and does not want to hurt you, but didn't do the right thing to address it with you.
If you want to address it and confirm what I told you, do NOT do it right after intimacy. Do it with the lights on, and say something like "Listen, I don't want things to get weird just because I told you that I love you and you pretended not to hear it. I want our relationship to be an honest one." And then what follows would be your decision on how to go forward with it, whether it's to give him and your relationship time to grow closer or to consider it a dealbreaker and leave him (which I don't recomment) or to press the issue to find out what's going on in his mind.
I think it's too soon for the "What's in your mind" conversation. I'd give it another 3 months before that happens, but not too much longer. There's a fine line between letting a relationship grow naturally and wasting time.
...............................
A
female
reader, Broken_Crown +, writes (12 October 2015):
Broken_Crown is verified as being by the original poster of the question Maybe its too soon for him?
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (12 October 2015):
Been there; done that.
My advice? When a partner who you really like - even love - won't, or doesn't say ".... and I love you, too.." in response to you... LISTEN TO THEM!!!
I endured what you describe for more than four years before I came to the realization that is my advice to you....
Good luck....
...............................
|
