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My boyfriend doesnt buy me presents and ignores important occasions

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (4 September 2007) 105 Answers - (Newest, 13 October 2014)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Ok, in terms of problems this maybe isnt huge but it is playing on my mind a bit. i have been with my boyfreind for 2 years now...and he just doesnt treat me with the same care and attention he used to. Yesterday was my 23rd birthday....and i got nothing from him. Not a card, not a present nothing. He hadn't even planned anything special. I hid my dissapointment. He then was telling me how he felt bad, and he knew he was being greedy cus he plans on doing up his car at the cost of about £2500. he said that, things have been slow at work so he could not afford anything for me. i let it rest, did not want to argue on an already shitty birthday. also, since it seemed he felt guilty i did not want to be the bad ass and make him feel worse. But the thing is, its not just yesterday, he gave me nothing for valentines, and last birthday was fairlyy crap, he knew i was upset then aswell,but he just keeps doing it, which is why i had alreaady prepared myself to not be upset in front of him and not expect much at all this time. He is a really nice guy and i trust him beyond words....but is he just stingy or what? I shouldnt question my relationship on such a materialistic point should i? am i just being a spoilt brat? its not like he does not have money, and even a birthday card given with some meaning would be nice. For his last birthday i saved up for something special for him and wrote a letter for him, i made the effort so it would be special for him. Does he not care enough to make the effort or what? he says he will make it up, but likely story, right?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2014):

He sounds like an asshole. "Poverty" is not an excuse. Even a poor man can afford flowers, chocolates/candy, and a heartfelt handwritten card. Or take you for a meal. DUMP HIS ASS! You deserve better. Find a guy who will take you out, acknowledge you, and make you feel special.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2014):

Oh my god..I just typed in a random google search and I am so glad I came across this. My birthday is in a weeks time and my boyfriend has not even planned anything special/suggesting we go out for dinner or even asked what I want for my birthday. I told him "oh I'll just put organize a dinner with you and invite a few of my friends.." he didnt even say anything like oh no let me plan it or let me take you out for just a nice meal alone.

I've been together with this boyfriend for more than 15 months and my birthday last year was pretty much the same...

He couldn't come see me that day as he is a doctor in another city which was completely understandable so he sent me flowers and a card but didn't suggest that he will take me out on the weekend when hes back or he will buy me a present..when he came down on the weekend he didnt even say oh lets cut a cake for your birthday or anything

Then his birthday was a month later and I obviously brought out a cake at midnight, give him his present. the next day i took him out to a michelin star restaurant and requested they bring out a cake at the end of the meal and champagne.

Our half year anniversary and christmas were quite close so I got him a watch assuming he would get me a christmas present too..armm...that didn't happen so that was awkward.

Then came valentines day....i baked him cookies and truffles and wrote him a romantic card. I got three roses. please also note that this boyfriend also didn't know until he met me that valentines day is on the 14th of February....

Then came our anniversary..he kept asking me what i wanted and i had my heart set on this Tiffany's necklace and i thought ohhh i have gotten him so many presents in the last year (not just on special occasions) that he would obviously want to get me something nice..anyway, that didn't happen although he said several times oh we will definitely go see that necklace you like. He did take me to a nice afternoon tea though...

Anyway im just feeling a bit bummed out about this birthday as I just can't keep pretending like i'm okay with him just not doing anything special for me. I wish he knew how much it hurts..its not that i want a present or i am greedy. I know how much money he makes (much much more than me) so i guess he either thinks that i am not worth it to spend money on or he just doesnt want to spare some thinking or planning something for me. I love this guy and often think that he might actually be the one but I've always been an overly sensitive girl and i know that one day i might just break up with him because he just fails to meet my expectations every single time.

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A female reader, Rosiedear Canada +, writes (15 December 2013):

It seems like a minor and petty gripe at the beginning, but - left unattended - this insignificant injury can prove fatal to many relationships. Some male readers might believe this is all about greed and vanity and nothing else. That's wrong. What it is about is consideration and regard, respect and courtesy. Words are cheap; a thoughtful token of sentimental regard on a significant occasion is an eloquent confirmation that you don't take for granted the person who makes a big thing out of your own anniversary or birthday.

Even a small gift is a meaningful gesture if it represents thoughtfulness and love. Making a big deal out of special days honours the person we claim to care about and admire. In the absence of these gestures, over time, self esteem and mutual regard wither. It is what it is.

If you can't find the time or inclination or see a need to make someone feel cherished and appreciated from time to time, she or he will learn to look at you with new eyes.

Anyway - best advice to the partner who finds him or herself ignored and neglected on those special anniversaries: pamper yourself. Take off on your own and visit the spa, buy yourself roses, climb a mountain, take a trip or just take in a movie. Do it by yourself, celebrate yourself.

And if the other person doesn't take the hint, it may not matter. You might just discover you're worth more to yourself without the extra weight.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2013):

My boyfriend of 7 years is not very thoughtful. He has been here and there but nothing consistent. To me it's about making me feel wanted And appreciated. I have a son from a previous relationship and the day before Mother's Day my son gave me something silly that he had in his room for Mother's Day and said I'm sorry thats all I can give you because I don't have a way or any money to get you anything. that completely broke my

heart because I know he was really

concerned about it. So I debated whether or not to ask my boyfriend To take my son so he could get me something for Mother's Day and I finally asked him to. He waited until Mother's Day morning to take him to get me something And didn't even tell me happy Mother's Day. My birthday was a week later and all he did was say happy birthday to me. That night he told me what he wanted me to get him for his birthday

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2013):

This man is selfish. He is a taker. He expects you to do nice things for him, but will never reciprocate. You don't even let him know you are upset! You need to let him know that he is not being fair. This won't make any difference however. I know men like this. Your best option is to leave him now before you get any deeper in. There are nice men out there. Go find one!

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A female reader, Bella92694 United States +, writes (2 April 2013):

Plain and simple, he is not "the one." Don't bother with trying to get him back by doing the same thing next year, etc., If I could be 23 again, I wouldn't hold up my time with a guy like that, he is wasting yours too. When things are right with someone they have their priorities straight.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2013):

I know what you mean. My boyfriend is the same way. Our 1st valentines day I got nothing, my first birthday I got nothing, our first anniversary nothing. I on the other hand save up and do special things for him on his birthday anniversary etc. he knows it bugs me but doesn't do anything about it. I don't know what to do.

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A female reader, priscillamae United States +, writes (3 February 2013):

He's a jerk. I stayed with my ex & put up with it for 5 years. He doesnt love yo. He only loves himself. DUMP him ASAP!!!!!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2012):

Ladies, if your guy treats you like this while you're dating, get out.

Run, don't walk, away.

I'm married 15 years and every year my husband does less and less for me on birthdays and special occasions. Today is my birthday and he got me a card. He baked me a cake, which I asked for (I bought the mix, frosting and pans), but he woke me up this morning at 2 am to tell me the dog ate it while he was up late drinking. Sigh.

I don't even ask for a lot.

I'm not asking for diamonds or expensive stuff. Just a token that I'm appreciated for...gee, being the primary breadwinner and paying all the bills while also doing the bulk of the yardwork and all the house cleaning while he gets to enjoy his very charmed life of being fully supported.

And yet, anniversaries go by with nothing, birthdays have become non-existent and the only things I get for Christmas are things I pick out and pay for.

I've asked myself a thousand times why I don't kick him out. It just gets complicated once you make it legal. So, for heaven's sakes, ladies, if you're not married and you don't like his behavior, get rid of him asap!

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A male reader, bruce lee Nigeria +, writes (10 May 2012):

bruce lee agony auntIn general people these days don't care much about one another. It's just the way it is. I don't know what else to say. Even my cousins, Aunty, and Uncle, have got no time for me.

They won't even give me the gift of their time. Won't even talk to me for five minutes on the phone. Can you believe it? What have I done for them to treat me so disrespectfully?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2012):

what is wrong with women. its like all they want is gifts. isn't a simple I LOVE YOU and spending the day with you enough? every holiday, mother's day, birthday, Easter etc. is just a marketing scheme and a way to tell you that material items = love. screw that. stop buying gifts all around. this goes for men and women all around.

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A female reader, bmoodyu United States +, writes (8 May 2012):

All you ladies need to read the book, "Why Men Love Bitches".

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2012):

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years. A necklace was the only gift I got from him all these years. I didn't even receive anything on my 21st birthday last year. He asked me out for dinner on my birthday, but I declined as I had to revise for my exam which is on the following day. And he didn't bother to set another day to celebrate my birthday. No dinner, no present, just a "Happy birthday!" text message. Awfully disappointed.

I give him gifts on valentine's day, and buy him a cake to celebrate his birthday every year. But this is what i get in return.

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A female reader, xxev75 United States +, writes (4 April 2012):

I have read threw most of your comments and I have come to the conclusion that men are selfish backstabbing scum and they only want what is in there best interest for their penis. They dont care about us they just want what we can and mostly will do for them. Im almost to the point where there should be a nation wide BOYCOTT on men. I say we dont talk to them, call them, email, text, sleep with, or fix dinner for them for a whole week. Unless absolutely necessary like say your boss. But its probably just another dream of revenge that I'll never do. I'll just keep taking there Lies and Bullshit and say well maybe hes not a prick its just my fault. :(((

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2012):

I honestly believe that when a man "forgets" your birthday, valentine's day, anniversary ect that you ladies should consider the relationship over and that he's probably cheating on you. If a man loves you he wants to do things to make you feel special, when that has stopped it's because he doesn't love you anymore or he has found someone else to entertain himself with. I say this from experience so make of that what you will.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2012):

I hate the excuse that men aren't as thoughtful as women, they forget easily, blah blah blah. Reading all of your posts sadden me because I too deal with this in my own relationship. I've been dating the same guy for over a year now and from the get go it's been pretty similar to your situation. We began dating in December and he actually bought me gift cards to my favorite stores. I too got him a gift. Then Valentine's Day rolled around and because his hours were cut at work I specifically searched for a restaurant that was on the cheap side because I didn't want him to have to pay a lot for our dinner. On Valentine's Day before we were going to leave for dinner, he says he doesn't want to go. Are you kidding me? After basically begging him, we go and SPLIT THE CHECK. The total was something like $14. Ridiculous. I should've known what was yet to come. We argued the day before our 6 month anniversary and so the next day on our anniversary he ditched me to hang out with his cousin. No gift, nothing. Just a side note, I am so far from a high maintenance girl it's not even funny. All I want is to see that he took time out of his day to think of me and do something for me. A note on a napkin would've done the job! But nope, nothing and of course every special occasion, sometimes even on an average day, I buy him little gifts if I see something that I know he'd like. This Christmas he made me pick out what I wanted. Lame. Birthday was the same thing and just yesterday, Valentines Day, after I bought him gifts, cooked dinner, set up the dinner table so nicely with candles and whatnot... he comes to my apartment with nothing. I was heartbroken. I feel robbed of the joyous times I know I should be experiencing on special occasions with the one I love. I see all my girl friends posting pictures of flowers, chocolates, gifts, balloons they get on V-day and I'm left with nothing. I don't know what to do anymore.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2011):

Darling, your boyfriend is a loser and you accept this poor excuse of a man which makes me question your own self esteem issues. Love oneself before anyone else will love you.

Guess what? it wont get better and, dear oh dear, should he "come into some cash" would it go to you? no, it would go to hookers or other women he is trying to chase.

You're there, he kicks you like a dog and every time you yelp he thinks to his tiny little brain cell "whatever chav she'll be back for me"

You sound too lovely to hang about - grow up, love yourself, find things about you that you will love, have some confidence and the RIGHT type of men will come running.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2011):

OK I gotta top this all you guys. The guy I WAS dating forgot my birthday, but didn't forget other women's or his guy friend's birthday and gets them presents and drinks. He didn't get me a Christmas present or do anything for Valentines either yet told me how he loves me all the time. I made sure all those days were nice for him. So I took my advice and am leaving. AHHH it feels great and I am excited to start my new life alone!

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A female reader, USAngel1970 United States +, writes (18 August 2011):

Last weekend was my Master's graduation. I told my bf it was not necessary to get me a gift but he insisted. He asked me to write him a list of gifts to pick from so he could get something he knew I wanted. I reluctantly agreed and asked him to make me only one promise - that he wouldn't wait until the last minute. Well, needless to say since I am here, that he did. Even worse. I had to go shopping with him and pick it out, even after I had given him a list weeks ahead of time. The icing on the cake? He wanted me to go with him to get wrapping paper and wrap it. Hurt does not even begin to describe how I felt. We've been together 7 years and every single special occasion FOR ME ends up like this, that is if he even bothers at all. Of course, when it is for him, I go all out and make him feel like a king. Well the king is getting dethroned. I have had enough. If a man does not care enough about you to put some thought and effort into making you feel special, regardless of the dollar amount spent, then he simply does not deserve you. I'm not asking him to hang the moon for me, just get off his lazy butt and make an effort. If he cannot do that for me, then I wish him good luck finding someone who will put up with it. Ladies, don't wait 7 long heart breaking years like I did to see what is right there in front of you - selfishness is not just an adjective it is a character flaw.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2011):

Reading all these posts, sure brought tears to my eyes. I just turned 40, and I did not even get as much as "boo" from my husband of 9 years, especially while being pregnant with his fourth child. Two days before that a friend of mine came buy with a Birthday present, so he did not forget it. I did tell him do not make a big deal since we had a house guests, but I would have appreciated a simple wish of Happy birthday, and "I love you".

None of that, in fact a couple of days later he asks me with a smirk on his face if I missed my birthday cake. I felt so insulted and belittled. And don't forget he has been getting his breakfast in bed every morning, his cooked meals delivered to his chairs and sofas, I do all the house work, taking care of the kids, etc. I get no thank you and no appreciation.

He DOES love to brag about the way he is treated at home. Every time someone pays attention to me, he gets very upset, and won't talk to me for days. I am ending all this for now. He does NOT deserve me 9 months pregnant running up and down stairs carrying his food to him when he believes I am not important and do not deserve appreciation. I AM a human being with feelings and right now very deeply hurt.

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A female reader, missartemis Canada +, writes (30 May 2011):

After reading all of these posts you can see you are clearly not alone.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2011):

I've been married over 30 years and never had a birthday card valentines, or anniversary card. in the early years of my marriage my husband would "chuck" some money at me and tell me to get myself something. That stopped after I foolishly said it wasn't the same when I had to get my own present. It hurts me to be ignored but I have now for many years not expected anything and now I don't acknowledge his birthday etc etc either.

When I complain about any aspect re his behavior/ or similar,

he tells me " you know where the road is" I have thought about leaving many many times but end up crying myself to sleep, waking the next day thinking it may be better

fool!

It never is!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2011):

Im 41 and have been with my husband since I was 16 (25 yrs) Hes never been good at making me feel special. I thought this would change someday....it hasnt! After all the tears and telling him how I feel and the fights about it we are still at the same problem. This past Mothers Day he said he had no money to do anything(no surprise there but he usually says he forgot or he was busy working as an excuse) I figured we would just stay home and BBQ...he went to our neighbors house the night before mothers day and spent a couple hundred bucks on gambling (with half naked waitress's) and got sooo drunk he fell out of bed a few times, puked all over the bed sheets and bathroom and was bedridden the whole day. No Mothers Day AGAIN!! Our 2 kids that are 17 and 20 didnt even say happy mothers day to me but did take me to my parents house to see my mom. (I broke my foot and am in a cast and cant drive) I had to clean up his mess 2 days later when I couldnt take the puke on the floor and sink anymore!! My loving husband didnt talk to me for 3 days...the first thing he said finally was......(no not sorry or I love you) are you hungry? Are you FU#$*ng kidding me? Then he gets mad that Im mad and makes me feel like I did something wrong!! Ive decided that Im done being treated like a piece of dirt and am filing for divorce. Not because of this Mothers Day plans being ruined but for all the times he has caused my heart to break. I always say to him this isnt how you treat someone you love...He dont get it. He thinks its all good talking to me as if nothing happened. Im glad Im not alone in this feeling...I thought maybe I was being a baby by thinking and feeling rejected and neglected. I should have known when he didnt take me on any dates when we were younger...he had me sneak into a concert after telling me he bought us tickets. I had no choice! It was in another state and I had no way home and the only ticket he bought was his own and he already went in!!! Ladies dont waste your time on selfish men..there are plenty of men out there that will love you and show you how beautiful and appreciated you are. Please learn form my 25 yr mistake. God Bless.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2011):

I am glad I have found this post but it saddens me to hear similar stories told, I commonly hear the phase “you know what men are like?!” when it comes to them making errors, people are quick to say “oh men have never been good at remembering things” or “men think differently than women”

I am a woman who has fallen in love, so for me it’s not about the gifts or money, but to feel the warmth of love back (however small the gesture)or at the very least acknowledged with the simple exchange of words like “happy birthday” or “ happy anniversary” that’s all it takes.

I completely understand the busy work schedule, but surely in this day and age setting a reminder on their phone wouldn’t go a miss? (Or maybe it’s something men even forget to do)

I think I am just going to have to get used to it, it just makes me feel a little undervalued! But I would rather share this with you ladies who understand rather than me try and talk about it, as I know I am heading for an argument. In his eyes I may be ‘looking’ for an argument, so should I need to shed a tear I will do so out of sight and I will just try and keep my chin up.

My solution after reading these posts is to not expect anything, should you receive a kind gesture or gift then look at it as a bonus. Assess the whole relationship; if he disappoints you overall then maybe it’s time for change. If it’s just that he forgets important occasions but he is a great person overall maybe we just need to accept it or move on. Just don’t get caught up in the media hype (i.e. Valentine’s day, Christmas etc.)And everybody else’s hype for that matter.

Let’s face it, some men are just better at expressing themselves than others, or maybe I need to ask the question “is it me am I doing something wrong?”

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2011):

I think it's complete and total BS. If your b/f, husband, isn't strapped for cash, ignoring someones birthday by not honoring it properly, and no, a happy b-day "email" ... not a card, but a one line "Happy Birthday" in an email does not count. So ... he remembered it was your b-day .. .could you imagine if a guy you were in an intimate romantic relationship forgot the day you were born??? That would be totally unforgivable.... If your boyfriend were raised in a cave where they never heard of gifts, I am sorry .. but that is the only exception (and that may be cutting it close!) ... If a man claims to be in love with you, and doesn't go out of his way, or even put effort into doing something to celebrate the day you were born ... and ESPECIALLY IF he knows how important it is to you, then he is not honoring your feelings, and I don't think he really loves you. As painful as it is ... my bf of two years sent me a lovely v-day card, I loved it ... on my birthday he couldn't be with me because of an obligation with his children ... I understood ... he emailed me "Happy Birthday" at midnight, and that was it ... then he came to see me and told me that he didn't have time to get me anything, but that he wanted to buy me something nice for my home ... we were supposed to go shopping together ... nothing expensive, just something for us to do together and to pick something out together that we both liked ... then, the next time I saw him ... it's as if he almost "forgot" about wanting to do anything special for me... and, yes, I did call him out on it ... I did tell him how badly I felt ... he did say he planned on doing it ... well .. .the jury is still out .. it hurt me so much, and upset me so much ... I cried my eyes out, especially since he knows how important it is to me .. that is the thing ... if I truly didn't care, that would be a different story ... but this man knows!!!!!!! The only conclusion I can make is that he is totally on the fence about me, or really just doesn't give a s*it ...

We did have a discussion about it ... I didn't yell, hollar or scream ... but I don't believe it's healthy in any real relationship to hide how you feel ... I told him how I felt, and now it's up to him to take action or not ... He is away now ... and he will either come back with a heart felt apology and not a lame ("well I sent you an email" ... could you believe he actually said that to me???????)and an effort to make it up ... e.g, by making a date to go out and get that thing for my home, with me, together, like he had promised (and, yes, it was his idea), or he won't ... and, if he doesn't, then I am just going to have to face reality ... I cannot get mad; you cannot get angry at someone for not doing something when their heart is not in it ... and, that is just it ... I do not want to be with someone that I have to FORCE to honor my b-day, when they KNOW how important it is to me; I do not want to be with someone who DOES NOT honor my feelings ... and I am sorry, but there is no other way to take this ... I don't even know if I want to see him when he gets back ... I cannot face another date with him if he is not planning, the very next time I see him, to make this right ... and, it's not that he is wrong, but the man knows what this all means to me ... and THAT is the point. So, I am very uncomfortable as I write this ... I know right now that I am not going to let this go ... I cannot move on with him another day if he does not come back and do the right thing to SHOW me that he is sorry, and to HONOR my feelings ... and guess what??? I don't want to force it out of him or anyone either ... It is not worth it ... spending time with someone who you have to force to honor you ... and I am so upset right now ... because I know I have to COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY MOVE ON IF HE JUST blows this off ... what choice do I have??? What am I supposed to do? Beg, kick and scream because the man I love doesn't love me back? Because the man I love doesn't love me enough to make me feel good? Because the man I love doesn't or wouldn't get joy in making me happy? Think about that one for a second ... if you love someone, doing something that you know is going to fill their heart with joy, like buying them a birthday present or properly honoring their birthday when you know it's important to htem ... should make you happy too ... and if making you happy or honoring your feelings doesn't bring joy to your man? your lover? your boyfriend? what the heck does that tell you? See the red flag, and seriously ... I know this is hard, but I am going through it now too ... move on ... especially after you have told him how it made you feel and how truly disappointed, hurt and confused it made you ... to your core ... without being dramatic or telling him off ... if he just goes away, and then hopes it blows over without trying to comfort you by MAKING IT UP TO YOU IN A VERY OBVIOUS WAY ... then that is TRUE NEGLECT ... and only you can decide if NEGLECT is something you will tolerate in a relationship with ANYBODY.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2011):

If it makes anyone feel any better, my birthday was just this past Tuesday. I am a new mother (my son is just 4 months old). For Valentine's Day, I got nothing. I, like most of you, watched all the women at my work get flowers while I sat there with nothing. I hoped my husband had a better surprise for me later. He called me at work later in the day and realized how upset I was. He told me that the flower place just didn't get around to delivering mine. My April birthday just came around and he had the nerve to tell me that HE gave ME our son and that is my birthday gift. No card. Mother's Day is just around the corner and I'm not expecting anything from him. He promised on Valentine's Day that it wouldn't happen again, and said the same thing on my birthday.

I'm so sick of crying on each special occasion we have because of his ignorance.

So, if you think it might be better once married, it's not. It's such a lonely feeling.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2011):

I know exactly what you mean. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 months. The week before Valentines we talked about how this was both of our first valentines having a boyfriend/girlfriend and (my pet died the week before valentines) he asked me if I wanted a new pet for valentines since he hadnt gotten me a present yet (even though I said no since I wasnt ready for a new pet I just assumed he was planning on getting me a present of sorts). The day before valentines I went out and found 2 presents I knew hed like and I figured I'd give him one based on whatever he got me and save the other one for the next occasion that called for a present. Then Valentines came around and in the morning I got a happy valentines day text from him and on my way home from work I watched all the women with their flowers thinking about what kind of nice thing he would do to show my love. Well, we went to a sporting event where he ditched me to sit with his friends since there was only one seat left in the row and left me to sit in the row in front alone and he didnt even give me a card or anything. Hes asked me what kind of flowers I like but never has given me flowers. I don't need material things but it would be nice to know he put in the effort to show me he cares. Sometimes I feel like the only time he acts like he loves me is during sex which makes me feel horrible. I know this isnt the case but it still makes me sad

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2011):

I am also really frustrated and very sad. Today is my birthday and my boyfriend of 10 years has done nothing to make it special apart from wishing me a happy birthday. Over the past years he has not bought me anything on special occasions.This valentines day he did not buy me anything and because I was so fed up I had a fight with him on vday and told him that I would like to feel special on occassions such as vday and my birthday.It's not that I am materialistic , spoiled or greedy. These gifts don't have to be expensive rather meaningful.It would make me feel so good to know that he was thinking of me and he took time to choose something for me that he thought would express his love for me. I feel so left out when I hear all my sisters and friends gush about how they've been spoiled on their birthdays and other occassions. I thought he would have listened and things would be different on my birthday but I was so wrong. It's not like he cannot afford to buy me anything. So does it mean that he is using me? He used to send his previous girlfriend flowers and cards. He used to buy her jewellery and send her on holidays. In all of our ten years together he has not once surprised me with flowers. He doesn't treat me with disprespect. He is a great and thoughtful lover. We spend all of our time together. So I don't think he is cheating on me but his lack of making me feel special on special occassions is really getting to me. It's got to a point were I am depressed. I know I should leave him and find somebody that loves me the way that I want to be loved but it is so hard because I truly love him.

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A female reader, whywhywhy United States +, writes (22 March 2011):

wow, first of all i want to say that im SOOO glad i googled this topic. today is my 5 year anniversary and im feeling down. of course my BF didnt even know that today is our 5 years. I texted him this morning while i was at work and i told him "happy 5 years" he replied "today?" i told him YES and i asked him what we were gonna do. he said "gym" and i told him NO, you should take me somewhere nice at least. then he flashed on me and got mad. he said its not my bday, valentines, christmas, or mothers day. I was pissed because its not any of those days but when it is i still dont get CRAP!!! omg what a hypocrite. Im soo sad and disappointed and im glad i found this site. I read through alot of these posts and it makes me sad that these guys can be soo uncaring. something simple would even be nice or even a damn acknowledgement of this day that means a lot me. Even if he was short on money to take me to dinner thats fine, at least tell me happy anniversary back. And its not the only time he didnt remember an important date. HE even forgot my birthday! i never forget these special days and i at least acklnowledge it. Is is soo much to ask for?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2011):

I'm surprised but happy to find you. Reading every single comment really helps me understand what is wrong with these men. We don't ask for much. Just once in a while we want to feel special. I think we do a lot for them. (Or at least I can speak fo myself) we cook, clean, wash their clothes, take care of our kids and keep the damn house organize. They say, "thank you" and they say, "I love You" but like many of you say why can you take a minute of your time to go and but flowers or right a letter and just give us the attention that we need. I love my man so much that my only complaint is this. He works hard everyday while I stay home and take care of the kids and drive them to school. But a women is a woman. We are motional, romantic and we want to feel special. They take us for granted.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2011):

I also have a boyfriend that does not buy gifts or put any extra effort into making me feel special. I always go out of my way to make hime feel special on his birthday, Xmas, Valentine's....I still do - because that is me. I put effort in to make and see someone happy.

This year I bought him a certificate for a massage. What did I get? A card and a $7 lunch....At XMas, I got a hot water kettle. LOL

I have started looking for a place of my own and am working emotionally to start moving on. Do I want to be 80 and be with someone who doesn't feel I am special enough to do nice things for? To buy me a flower every once in a while - or to make me smile???

Don't waste any more time and effort on this one. Life is too short. You will truly regret it if you wait too long. I have already wasted over 3 years with my guy. I am now 47. I am so stupid.....

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2011):

Hon, let him go. Move on. I know thats hard to hear but if he is not going to make an effort to make you feel special than why settle for that? You deserve to be happy. You deserve to feel special. If he has the money to do up his car he could take a small portion of that to buy you a bit of candy, make you a card, make you dinner, buy a balloon...take you out on a special date..ect. If he doesnt feel you are worth it or a priority Now - well when will he? do you really want to face the rest of your life not feeling special while all of your friends do? It wouldnt take much money to make you feel special. Remember - long term results - not instantaneous gratification.

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A female reader, Kathie United States +, writes (8 February 2011):

Duh.....I can relate to this ladies. I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years because he always forgot my birthday. And I broke up with him on my birthday on our 5th year because I could not take it anymore. Then the guy who sent me flowers that time became my boyfriend. Uhmm Things went well for the first 2 years with the second boyfriend... we were together for a total of 8 years. I broke up with him for the same reason. He started to forget special occasions like birthdays, valentine's, Christmas too. tsk, tsk...Maybe he grew very familiar and complacent. Then the third man came. I was really hesitant to have another relationship due to the fact that I was very disappointed. But this man looked promising... he was very consistent, kind and thoughtful. For 4 years he did not forget to give me flowers or to make me feel special on special occasions. I thought he was the one. After 5 years, waaaaaaaaa....history repeated itself.

And honestly right now...I hate men (except my dad) I hate MEN. I am now a man hater. I am willing to grow old alone. I dont want to be with a man who puts up a show. They are nice at the beginning at then sort of just fade away at the middle if not the end.

This is my sad story. And I don't desire any relationship anymore. I am fine alone.

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A female reader, meowlanie United States +, writes (6 February 2011):

I'm relived to know that I am not alone.

I met my boyfriend over a year ago and I'm still with him today. He has gotten me 2 things since we have been together.

He barely got me anything in the beginning. He just got fired from his job, so I knew he didn't have any money and I wasn't worried about it because the relationship was new. He didn't get me anything for Christmas in 09, I didn't get him anything either because I was short as was he. It was a mutual decision there, so no biggie. The only times he has gotten me something is when I caught him lying to me. He thought he was going to lose me so he bought me flowers, a teddy bear, and a card with something written in it that brought me to tears. I was very touched. I knew there was hope at that point. But he only did it because he screwed up. In March 2010 we moved in together. Right before we moved in together he bought me a ring from the swap meet (I think it was like 35 dollars). I didn't care that it was cheap, I was just happy that it didn't turn my finger green. He gave it to me as a promise ring. (A promise to get me a more expensive ring for me one day as my engagement ring.) I was happy. But now I have my doubts. Since I've been living with him I've noticed he's rather selfish. He didn't work for a whole year and didn't even try to look for a job (I was working full time.)

I got pregnant and layed off shortly after. You'd think once your woman is pregnant you'd do everything possible to find a job. NOPE! I ended up having an abortion with my last paycheck. He finally found a full time job at a auto body repair right in the beginning of December. Christmas 2010 came, I got him the body spray he's been searching for a long time and a CD he's been wanting. I made sure he was happy about the gift he was getting. I didn't get anything and he said, "I'll owe you." Here's the problem with that:

He has money now considering he has a job, but he blows it on pot. Nothing ever for me. And no, I don't wanna sound materialistic either, but a freaking card doesn't hurt either. It's Feb 6th 2011 now and my birthday is in a week and vday the next day. So it's time for a test.

I buy him things all the time and also "just because."

If I find something in a store that I know he will love, then I'll surprise him with it.

If he at least can't get me a card on the 14th this month, then I'm giving up. I don't think he puts in any effort into our relationship. I've tried telling him many times he needs to do little things to show me that he cares. Talking to him doesn't seem to work. He says he's sorry, acts nice for the rest of the day and then sleeps it off. Is it so hard to buy me a card or say that he loves me just out of nowhere? I guess so.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2011):

You probaby wont read this considering it's about 3 years old. Iv'e read everyones and they all sound about the same to me. Of course i can sit hear and tell you my story but i think you already know what it is, thats why im on hear. But I'm going to tell you WHY he acts this way and WHAT TO DO in this situation.

Why does he act like this? Why doesnt he get you anything during the holidays?

First of all, i dont know you guys personally so i dont know how you act together or what youve both been through your whole lives(troubles ect..)

I might just be wrong, but i think the reason he wont get you anything is because he has gotten so comfortable in your relationship that he knows he doesnt have to put much effort in it anymore. Why? because he knows your in love with him. Once he has you where he wants you, he has the power. This is the one thing that happens alot in relationships. But not all. He KNOWS you will forgive him. He KNOWS you will be understanding(if he cant get you anything-pathetic on his part) And he KNOWS that you are too nice and that you will always be there for him. The reason he was different in the beginning was because that was a stage in your relationship where he was trying to make you fall in love with him, AND IT WORKED. Now that he knows that your in love with him and dont ever want to lose him, he wont have to make an effort anymore BECAUSE YOU WILL ALWAYS BE THERE NO MATTER WHAT, right? He is taking advantage of your good qualities.

Now, he has a bad temper. My boyfriend of 1 year and 4 months does too and he knows it, he even told me he does(which i thought was amazing for him to admit too)Considering people, not all, that have bad tempers dont like to be responsible and admit that they're wrong when they did something wrong. SO HE TURNS AROUND THE STORY AND BLAMES IT ON YOU, right? Exactly. My boyfriend makes me feel guilty all the time. And of course, me, being super sweet, understanding and forgiving, like most females, take the blame and say sorry because we dont want to hurt his feelings. We dont want problems nor feelings hurt, thats why we say sorry even if its there fault.Thats why he gets mad at YOU when he does something wrong, he doesnt want to feel like an idiot. Ugh, the sad truth.

Now, what to do?

You could use reverse psycology, not get him one single thing on the holidays and his bday, not even say happy birthday. But thats definetly the wrong thing to do if you want a healthy relationship. The best thing to do is talk to him about how you are feeling, and we know guys dont like this, but it has to be done. Tell him that it hurts you. IF he TRULY LOVES YOU he will listen to you, he will take consideration in your thoughts and opinons and he will try to change and fix things for you. I know youve heard this a million times, but COMMUNICATION IS VERY IMPRORTANT, one of the things guys lack. Give him time, if he doesnt change and he doesnt or get you anything the next time you bday roles around, he obviously doesnt care. Well it is sad to say, and hard to do, but moving on would be the best. He seems to not care whatsoever about your feelings and intentionally hurting you is the worst thing a guy can do.

I would just like to end this by saying to please try and work it out, i know you love him. If he doesnt change and you move on, good for you. Being that strong to leave someone you love is hard. Most women stay in unhappy relationships for a very long time, some for the rest of there lives. RELATIONSHIPS ARENT PERFECT, remember that. And remember that ITS HIS LOSS on having a close, loving relationship. HE will regret it and realize what a selfish *** hole he was.

Also, not one guy is perfect. Sometimes we have to learn to love there flaws, just the way it goes.

Hope all goes well!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2010):

I was googling to see if there was anyone out there dealing with the same thing. My bf of 2 yrs was so great at celebrating everything with me. For xmas, my bday, and first anniversary, I got such cute and thoughtful gifts. He wrote me a poem and got me a picture frame with our pic in it. Then this year, AFTER I have moved in with me I got a souvenir from a trip he took a week before my bday as a gift! A souvenir!! I was crushed. Like he didn't even care. We didn't celebrate our anniversary cuz he said it was a monday and it was cold.

I thought maybe I should make it clearer that it doesn't need to be anything big and a card goes a long way. So I told him, that gifts mean something to me. He looks at me today as I got some last minute gifts and says "I still don't have a present for you." As if to warn me that I'm not getting anything. I was speechless and crushed. What's worse is that he just ordered a PS3 and a bunch of games for himself so it's not like he doesn't have money.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2010):

WOW I'm surprised and relieved to know I am not alone. My boyfriend of 3 years used to be much like the other guys discussed on this thread but he's gotten much better now. WHY? Because my older sister found out and got so mad she was so close to telling him off for me but I intervened. Nevertheless, he overheard my sister ranting and he was very embarrassed at his behavior over the years. Maybe all you other ladies out there can try having someone else step in and tell him what's up! Since then, he's been much more thoughtful--but still not as thoughtful as I'd like. He still ignores my texts and emails I send him when I know he's online/on his phone all the time messaging everyone and their moms on Facebook and via text. He used to be really good at emailing me back (he used to write really extensive emails, too!) and texting me back (he used to text cutesy messages nightly!) but I think he's gotten too comfortable. I know this isn't nearly as huge of a deal as I'm making it out to be... but I still think that any way he can show me he cares is important even if it's just a little text now and then. I mean, I text him to show him I'm thinking about him. I'd like for him to do the same. Especially when I've made his job easier by contacting him first. I don't even see him much, so it's not like he's sick of me contacting him. I see him maybe once or twice a week because he lives kind of far away.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010):

Hi! I'm sorry u all are so sad. Sometimes I get sad too. All my exes have spoilt me. Truth is I'm very spoilt. And bratty too. Haha. And a bit of a cry baby. I'm pretty lazy and I only ever make presents for my bfs. I buy them for friends lol. But I never use my own money when I'm with my bbf. I gyuess I could contribute more and not be so selfish

I'm sad rite now cuz basically my dad and bf are in agreement that I can have the nice things I wanrt that are neccessities but that its wrong to over spend or buuy things I don't actually need. I kno he bout me a high quality pink diamond for an engagment ring. I kno it was expensive and I should be happy and feel blessed. And honestly he's so kind and loves me and only ever says no for my own good. But there's a piece of jewellery I want. Totally overpriced, but he could afford It and I can't. And I really wanr it. Thinkin bout it makes me sad. And I can't ask him cuz I'm too embarrassed. But he knows I want it. And I don't kno why he won't get it for me because I love it soo soo much

I kno my behaviour right now is repulsive. But I can't help bein g so spoilt. And shouldn't he want to just gimme what I want? When ure in love shouldn't u also be surrounded with all the other things u love too? Hed have to get me a ring anyways if he wanted me for a wife. God knows why I'm like the worst candidate..but I want the necklace. I want him to get it for me. As a symbol of his eternal undieing love. How do I get him to do it?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010):

I was in a similar situation last year. My boyfriend and I had been together for just about a year and I'd moved in with him after just 3 months. He has a bad temper that he got from his dad and it was fricken ridiculous. I found myself changing from a super outgoing person to a shy, self-conscious, unconfident person whom I didn't know or like. He was constantly putting me down and yelling at me for things that had nothing to do with me. ("Sh*T, I'm late!! My alarm didn't go off! WHY THE F*CK DIDN'T YOU WAKE ME UP?!"..."uhh, maybe cuz I was sleeping too dumba$$.") He treated me like sh!t. We broke up for a month around our 1 year anniversary and he'd still see me and tell me that he loved me to get in my pants but afterwards tell me that we'd never get back together. I was absolutely heart broken. I couldn't do anything, I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, I cried all the time. I then found a book called "Happy for No Reason." This turned my entire life around. I know that sounds like bull, but seriously, it was an eye opener. I started taking the advice from that book and things soon got better. In fact, I was even happier than before our relationship turned to crap! I gathered the courage to talk to my ex openly and honestly and non-confrontationally, because I just had some things I needed to say to him and it didn't matter to me at that point how he felt about it. We ended up working things out and getting back together and he's been amazing ever since. We actually just had our 2 year anniversary on Dec. 9, 2010. I'd recommend getting the hell away from that guy and if you guys come back together in the future, then it was meant to be. If not, you're too good for him. I know it'll hurt (A LOT) for what seems like forever. But TRUST ME, try skimming "Happy for No Reason" and you'll feel a lot better. Page 91 (I think) was the story that spoke to me the most. Good luck!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2010):

I have been crying my eyes out for the past 14 months.. Don't get me wrong there have been wonderful times, but I have gone past the point of despair and came right back again. Im so confused Ive been typing in relationship advice all over the internet and this is the closest ive seen to what Im in. Im very young you see,and i have been engaged to my boyfriend a few months now. For my birthday my boyfriend did not show up to where we were meeting. He calls me two hours later saying he cant come. ''no money'' he says. I tell him no, so he says he'll call me back to see what he can do, but to no avail. He calls back and says he cant come, I begin to wail and he hangs up the fone. I didnt hear from him till three days after my birthday.No card,no present.A stupid excuse.I was at wits end calling him off the hook. Hes like that though,sometimes i won't hear from him at all for a whole week! other times a few days..usually he rarely picks up the fone. He stands me up all the time. He breaks his promises daily. im going crazy. I fell in love with the wrong person, but when things are the slightest bit good everything is perfect. At the moment, my boyfriend/fiancee has disappeared again..no idea where he is,or what hes doing. I know i am a fool.But i simply cannot leave him. Its physically impossible,believe me ive tried! and i know for a fact he loves me too, its just the way he is. hes like this with his family too, so it doesnt make sense at all. Somebody help me! im always alone.

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A female reader, MsSexton United States +, writes (28 November 2010):

Okay ladies, we aren't nuts and mental like our men claim. What it is, they can't relate nor do they have those thoughts/feelings when we don't do something thoughtful.."if they don't think that way then no one does"!

But what I am coming to realize is that we ladies need to stop doing those little thoughtful ego boosting gifts and save that energy for the other special people or pets in our lives rather then the men. If you feel the need to buy something special for no reason on your way home from work then buy your litte dog Fido some great a** doggie treats and you know he will be so grateful.

All your responses have really been insightful, healing and bonding. Some even made me laugh to the point of almost peeing myself - the "bag of chips" for Christmas - you cant make that stuff up!

I have came up with an action plan for the next time my man is acting unsympathetic at the bad situation he created that will be more of an inside joke and give me a good laugh:

Next time I get nothin for bday-i am going to respond with "well glad we are saving money on our bdays, I won't have the money to get you any thing either so thanks for taking that worry off my shoulders!"

You want sex? Hey now, thats a commodity and it will cost you! Why yes, it will cost you more if you want it after midnight on a work night buddy. Show me the money! Then if he gets mad, I love the line, "I'm just playin with you!" Make them feel like a dumb ass as they put their wallet back in their jean pockets.

If they ask you to do something for them make sure you do everything else but that "one thing" they asked. Like if they want you to get another beer and you bring them back a snack or soda. Laugh it off but don't offer to fix the mistake. Then when they ask you to swap it out agree nicely and put the soda back in frig or eat the snack but then never return. Go make a phone call or laundry so that when they bark about you not doing it, say I brought you something by mistake, sorry, geez, it slipped my mind.

When you are late from store or him needing your car to go run some bullsh*t errand - be late and respond with "it isn't a big deal, you werent ready anyway". What is an hour any way - you have plenty of time if you leave now. I just stopped by store and bought some lottery tickets or whatever small excuse (keep the excuse trival not major or important). The point is to make his time spendable and irrelevant/trival. Under value his time.

But the most effective way to deal with men is through distance - they respond to the distance you put between the two of you because of their actions.

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A female reader, mdrnctrygrl United States +, writes (8 November 2010):

mdrnctrygrl agony auntI met this incredible man on a dating site and was stupid enough to move in with him after three mos. Mind you, I know Im very pretty, intelligent and caring. My life has been pure hell since I moved in. I take care of his 2 kids, dog and house because I do love him, but no recriprocation. I'm at the point where I'm going to move out after a year. I feel like I've wasted a year of my life. Please! move on! It's not love when it's not given back. They will tell you they love you but never invest time or money.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2010):

Im there also, but the thing is my boyfriend (of 1 year 4 months to this day) hasn't always been that way. he used to want to celebrate evey occassion, and would make sure i felt special, even if he couldn't get me somthing he'd make sure i knew he was thinking of me. but lately he hasn't wanted too celebrate anything, he wont say happy anniversary anymore either, I have to say it and he"ll reply with "back at ya" he says as little as possible too me, he wouldn't call me tonight for our anniversary cause he didn't feel like it. sometimes i feel like he doesn't care anymore, then he reminds me that he does. but i guess ill just live with it. i love him very very much, that never changes. i just wish he could understand how i feel sometimes and maybe wanna celebrate special days like we used too.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2010):

Hahah.So happy to have found this thread! Been there people! Been there.

I was used to an ex partner that NEVER had money to buy me anything on my birthday, for Xmas, etc... so I'm somewhat used to this treatment now. I've kind of conditioned myself to having no expectations if you wish.

I've been going out with a very special man in my life for almost 2 years now, and he's not once had time to spend my birthday with me, or get me a present. At least he bothered sending me a text message! Then again, my ex (of 7 years) had also texted me that day to wish me a happy birthday.

The truth is his job is extremely demanding and stressful (he manages an online marketing company) and i keep my mouth shut about it, and try telling myself i'm not upset or offended. And it is true to a certain degree. I am not usually one to complain about such little things, because i love him too much.

However, i now admit i am too tired of making excuses for him. He is ALWAYS too busy to see me, be with me, and give me a birthday present (i don't believe in Hallmark cards, so showing me he loves me is a nice gesture). As of late though, i have been feeling extremely ugly and ignored. He tells me to suck it up, however, now i'm beginning to feel a real lack of genuine interest and love from him as i only see him on weekends ( i go to his place) and it'll be this way for another 4 months i was told. That's ok. That's not the problem. I respect that he is very hard-working and reliable.

He's been arguing with me, telling me how spoilt i am and that spoilt people are brats and don't deserve anything. I am good to him I promise you, i've stopped nagging him to go out and i have tried to make him happy all the time. For his last birthday i'd baked him a carrot cake from scratch (something i'd never done for a man before)and bought him a stand up mirror for his apartment. Of course he loved the mirror i ordered for him. The cake however was a big blow to me. I was dabbing on the icing for his cake in the kitchen, when he came up to me barking that i needn't bother surprising him with special gifts on his birthday (i asked him to drive me to my parents' house so i could get the cake and take it to his place so we could celebrate his birthday together because i don't drive). Big mistake. As i said, i was decorating the cake and all hell broke loose. Him calling me nasty names, shouting and spitting as he spoke. I was trig to keep him calm by keeping my voice down but eventually it turned into an argument. While he wasn't looking i cried silently so that he wouldn't hear me. I know i'm a cry baby but all i was trying to do was have him be proud of me for baking him a cake on his birthday. His icing was coated in my tears. It wasn't worth it. It never is. Last Xmas i'd bought him a Wii and some games for Xmas, we went to the store together, him swearing at me in the car that i wasn't helping him read these instructions of the Wii model number well. Needless to say, we went to the pc store, me trying to hide my tears. He got my tears all over his WII box. When he saw me holding the box to check his stupid serial number to check it was the right one, he apologised with his smile i love so much and told me not to cry in front of other customers.

Now, it's been a month since my last birthday and he keeps saying he'll get me a present, but due to work (i presume) he claims he hasn't had time to give me my present. I'm not even upset over a silly gift. It's just that my mother always goes on about how my dad's never once forgotten a birthday, anniversary or valentines' day :(. How thoughtful of a husband. But people are different.

O gosh this is so long! Just realised i've been ranting on. It sounds like i should leave him but i don't want to. He is still the one i see myself with in the future so i will just have to be patient and forgive him. I've never loved anyone to do this much for them before. He's so busy because he says he's working for our future house together. It might be another 10 years before we start get married he says. But he loves me in his own way i'm sure. As of late i'm a member of E Harmony dating. Not really scouting. Just browsing for my internet matches. You never know, i might need a back-up plan someday if he gets sick of me. I'll be in my 30s, single and female and nobody would want me then, right? It's very different for a man though.

I have told him i won't be giving him my body for sex for the next 3 weeks and he agreed. He agreed to it because he knows that isn't the most important thing in our relationship. But i love him and we must forgive!

I just won't be buying him nice presents anymore.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2010):

Same problem myself. I'm trying creative solutions. Talking to him, writing a letter is my next step. We've been reading 'Men are from Mars Women are from Venus' together and that has really helped communication - I recommend it to all couples. Also, I've decided to go all out and get him lots of presents and surprises - to set a good example.

I am however, very sad and frustrated about not being honoured as a woman on special occasions. Last year after my birthday disaster, I was depressed for quite a while

:( It's sad to have to think every time 'oh well there's always next year'. Boo.

It's worth remembering your partners past - my father was always generous in spirit with his gifts, but my BF's parents were horrible to him most of the time including birthdays - so I can be compassionate that celebrations fill him with dread. But even that doesn't change how I feel. Good luck all of you! And me!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2010):

Maybe boys are just that 'careless' and have a bad memory. Be straight forward and tell them I want a gift for my birthday!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2010):

just get rid off, if he really cared, he would make an effort, i recently broke up with my fiance and i was with him for seven years and i never got anything off him, he always ignored me on my birthday and always told me it was no different to any other day, to just get over it,he made me feel worthless in the end and i realised that i deserved better than that.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2010):

My boyfriend of 2 and a half years doesnt "believe" in celebrating birthdays, anniversaries, christmas, anything. He bought me flowers once but thats all. Nothing else, ever. Has never even said happy birthday to me or merry christmas. Just ignores it like its any other day. Because of this ive never bought him any presents either, i dont see why i should. It upsets me but ive never really talked to him about it but maybe i should. I want to be with this man for the rest of my life and hes great in many other ways so i guess i just have to deal with it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2010):

Well don't worry honey, you are definitely not alone. My bf never has any money to get me gifts for holidays either. I used to feel bad for him because he has had trouble landing a permanent job, but I've finally had enough. Last year on my birthday he didn't even bother to get me a card and actually tried to break up with me because he was embarassed he didn't do anything for me. I didn't realize the other person was supposed to be selfish on their SO's bday? I never made a big deal out of gifts and I usually am the one to pay for everything since he only gets side work once in a blue moon. He couldn't manage a card or a poem..anything to show he cared? He seems to care enough whenever he needs or wants something. If he doesn't get his way or what he wants though he is quick to say I don't care about him. Watch out girls men can be gold diggers too! It's funny how they twist things. Last year right before my birthday I had a car towed for him and his whole family and they didn't even acknowledge it was my bday even though they knew, they were actually rude to me the day of. Takers will be takers through and through. This isn't some kid we are talking about either, this man is in his 30s and im in my mid 20's. My birthday is in a few days, he just did a side job and made some money that he blew through. He didn't bother remembering my birthday was coming up and swore he would make up for last year. Here we are again and he put no thought into anything for me. I made sure I seperated his birthday and christmas gifts as his bday falls near that holiday. I also baked him a cake from scratch and took him to dinner...i put effort into things and am fed up always getting the shaft. I am not materialistic..but any simple gesture would be appreciated. For Christmas he handed me 100 bucks..which i ended up using on bills...and for V-Day he gave me a card. I guess it's the thought that counts. I guess I could thank his brother who was kind enough to give him a gift card so we could go see a movie.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2010):

I think it does kind of depend on the situation. But ultimately women want the man in their lives to treat them as though they are incredibly special to them and remembering to do something for their birthday, even if it's just a little something, is a big part of showing that they're special.

It's my birthday tomorrow and I have good reason to believe my boyfriend has forgotten about it, despite him talking about getting me something every now and again during the last month. I invited him to spend the weekend with me, but he has instead opted to spend the entire weekend with a friend who is visiting. I saw him yesterday and he just asked me what I though he and his mate should do. So not only will I not get to see him on my birthday but he's not even given me a card to open in his absence. Yet it's his birthday only two weeks after mine and he keeps going on about it, and I've already got him a gift that I've put a lot of thought in to.

If this was the only occasion where he'd forgotten or not put any effort in, it wouldn't bother me quite as much, but he spoke about doing something nice for valentines day, and then when we got to it he did nothing and didn't understand that I was a little dissapointed. There have been a few similar dissapointments despite him being so sweet at the start of the relationship and giving me some really lovely and well thought gifts and cards.

So if he doesn't turn up and surprise me tomorrow I shall call it an end to the relationship we've had.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2010):

Our anniversary was supposed to be jan 5....he didn't want to do anything to celebrate it then..it was a hard time. we had a new born and his mom was coming in a couple of days.

So, we settled on celebrating it april 20th. i figured he'd remember that date. I talked about it the previous weekend.

and surprise, surprise...nothing.

Then he got mad at me because i was upset. Made like i was selfish...Made like i was trying to start a fight.

I simply don't feel appreciated. Not at all. It's enough that we were going to celebrate it 4 months later than we were supposed to. HE had a year and 4 months to plan just something. Anything.

No flowers, no card. nothing.

I'm really hurt.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2010):

Its incredible that only females are venting their anger here. I guess the guys who have the same problem are talking about it to the only person that matters, THEIR PARTNER...or they simply move on (instead of blaming all women and becoming gay LOL)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2010):

I completely understand where all of you are coming from. My boyfriend was the same way he got me somethings for christmas but nothing and i got a card for vday and nada on my birthday and unlike most of you i went off because i was really hurt especially when i am such a giving person but anyways after that i can honestly say that he is making more of an effort and so we have an anniversary coming up so we will see what happens but he is at least listening to what i said so thats at least a start but also keep in mind that there are people who are every frugal out there and it thats how they were raised or the mindset that they have be understanding but DO NOT take crap when it comes to holidays and special occasions its one thing if he doesn't give you money to go shopping every week and a completely different matter if he gets you nothing on your birthday hope this helps

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A female reader, __sam Canada +, writes (11 April 2010):

Wow I feel so much better now that I know I'm not the only one. We've been together for almost 2 years. I've brought it up with my boyfriend before, I got nothing for valentines day..(I actually lent him $400.00 this past v-day) which he still hasn't finished paying me back for. I know right? Pathetic. And also nothing for my birthday. But he did throw me a party for my birthday the weekend before it...with all HIS friends and he got so drunk that he doesn't even really remember me being there at all. Even better, the Tuesday after on my actual birthday, he ended up calling me a bitch and making me cry hysterically. He also claimed that he was going to make me a birthday dinner, then ended up insulting me in front of his friend, playing video games with him and getting hammered. He started making the dinner, but of course was soo into his game that I ended up making it and giving him a plate. I cried while making the dinner silently so he wouldn't notice. No card, no nothing. Well..It's the thought that counts right, he doesn't even want to go out anywhere with me...because 'he doesn't like people' I wish I could get out of this relationship. Oh yeah, and I didn't mention how his mooching father is now living with us, and is the biggest loser and slob I have ever met...I really don't know what to do anymore,because I've talked to him and he continues to hurt me like this. Take it from me, if you can get out, do it, because there are people out there who will treat you for what you are worth and take you out. I'm miserable right now and I feel I'm to weak to do anything, so just save yourself the time and heartbreak and get out!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2010):

I am 58 years old and had a few boyfriends and two husbands. My last husband and I were married 24 years and I divorced him because we had floated apart in many ways although I still love him and we have remained friends. ALL my boyfriends and husbands have always bought me gifts and been there for me, except for my now-ex current boyfriend. I was also ignored on Valentine's day and then my birthday, a few weeks later. I met him several years ago and he was weak with the gifts and I told him it was VERY important for a man to give a woman gifts, but he has chosen to ignore that. I broke up with him immediately. I will not tolerate stinginess when I am generous. That relationship would never work. There are SO MANY men out there that will and do buy gifts, maybe the wrong things, but they try. Go to a department store on Christmas eve and see the poor souls in agony trying to find something for their wives. Haha. Anyway, if they can't think of you as first in their lives, then get rid of them. Your happiness should be the most important thing to them.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2010):

Honestly, if you love him and he loves you then you should just talk to him about this. You should trust him to value your opinions and consider them. I know that a lot of the women are saying men can't/won't change, but if he truly cares for you then he'll try or want to change. Communication is always important in a relationship. If he doesn't change then I think it's clear that he doesn't truly care about you and if thats true then you should leave because you deserve better than that.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2010):

I'm so glad I'm not alone! It was my birthday yeserday and yet again my partner of 11 years gave me not so much as a text!I wouldn't mind if he was sorry etc etc, but he was angry at me because I was cross and told me there was something wrong with me???? We share a house and child so walking away is not an option, unless ,of course I won the lottery. I feel like bludgeoning him around the head area! I can't believe he thinks his behaviour is normal. I wish someone could spell it out to him. And then he wonders why I'm not up for sex all the time???!!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2010):

Yes, this is all so terribly sad. The same has happened to me, my boyfriend forgot my birthday, when I told him about it and how hurt I was he just went went into his usual digression of all the things that are wrong with me. I am so hurt. I broke up with him and hope he just leaves me alone.

And it's not about money or gifts, it's about sharing joy. Why do we have relationships? I do it for love and affection, companionship and strength as I go forward in an uncertain world. I must try again to see if I can find the love and affection I need, I cannot give up. This guy, my EX-boyfreind, is a smuck and cruel and heartless and I feel so sorry for the next woman who becomes his victum.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2010):

The real question you and pretty much everyone else here should be asking yourselves is: Why in the world are you putting up with such utter, thoughtless, selfish cheapskates?

It doesn't take much to do something special for someone on a special day such as a birthday. All it takes is some thought, some heart and just a tiny amount of effort.

If it's too much trouble or too expensive for your special guys to give you a card or buy you a few flowers or take you out for dinner, you need to dump the loser and find someone who appreciates you.

This isn't about being materialistic or wanting something extraordinary. This is about having some self-esteem and about realizing you are entitled to be a little spoiled on your birthday once a year.

It would take so little for your boyfriend to do something special for you and give you a little happiness on your special day.

If he can't afford to buy you a card, he can make one. If he can't afford to take you out to dinner, he can cook you one.

If he can't afford to do anything, he can at least spend the day with you, holding your hand and making you feel loved. He can cuddle with you by candlelight or take you for a romantic walk.

If he can't be bothered to do anything, chuck him back into the pond where he belongs. I guarantee you there is someone much nicer out there who will appreciate you.

If there isn't, you're better off on your own than with a creep who doesn't love or care about you enough to do something special for you on your special day.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2010):

I seem to be a bit older than most of you. So let me give you the experience of someone in a relationship with the same guy for 14 years: Get out now.

I can count on one hand the number of gifts or cards that I have been given by my guy on one hand.

Here's the list:

Birthday: Fishing pole, 2 paperback books, pair of slippers

Christmas: A bag of chips (I'm NOT kidding) a keychain, a lighter and a stuffed animal he got out of a machine.

Valentine's Day: a white chocolate rabbit, a king size bar of chocolate

Anniversary: Nothing. Ever. He has never once remembered.

For this past Christmas I bought him a digital camera, several hard back novels he's been wanting and clothing. I bought myself some stuff and wrapped it for under the tree. Yes, I know that's pathetic. Almost as pathetic as the Valentine's day candy I bought for myself for today. As usual I bought him a card and candy....and sent him an ecard. He replied to the ecard with "Ditto". I feel SOOOO special.

He ignored my birthday completely. It's not like he didn't know. My family called to wish me a happy birthday. Luckily I have great friends and family so I'm still remembered on important holidays.....but it's not the same.

I was sitting in my study crying when I pulled out my netbook (my birthday present to myself) and found this site. I'm writing because I've been with this guy since I was 26 and I just turned 40. I've essentially wasted the best years of my life on someone who doesn't think enough of me to bother putting the effort in to making me feel special. Or even valued.

You don't need money to buy a card. He could have taken a piece of paper and written his own card to me and it would have been appreciated.

Please don't waste your time the way I have. I've tried talking to him, it does no good. Talk to the guy and if nothing changes, walk. I considered treating him the way he treats me, but I simply don't have it in me to hurt someone they way this hurts me. I suspect most of you feel the same way.

When someone loves you, they don't intentionally hurt you. PERIOD.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2010):

just some times, we try and do things, and we think that we have thought them through, but we havent really

and we only ralize when we get to the moment where we its too late

and the only thing that we can think to say is sorry, because we know that we are in the wrong

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2010):

I had a such this situation with a guy dating for 2 years''I m 32 age of mariage and he was 42 ...he bought some gifts the first months but later he pretended he is freaking busy ..no time for buying a gift for my bithday and valentine s...

how supid I was...! I should broke up with him in that time ..but I keep going ...! but now he moved on and me too..i just waisted my time for 2 years..HE DIDNT N

BUY ANY GIFT BCECAUSE HE DID NOT LIKE ME..dont forget..!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2010):

I feel for all you ladies who have cheap and selfish boyfriends. Everyone I knew were this way. Somehow I only attract these people like magnet. When you go out of your way to do something nice for them, then it hurts when they don't. It makes you feel not important, like a doormat or something. And they don't understand it or act like it that way. It's a shame but run from them, they will never change. There are good guys out there, just don't know where to look for them. Sigh.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2010):

All these stories just prove how much guys suck. I wasted 5 years with my last boyfriend and he was exactly the same way. Never got me anything for my birthday or valentines day or christmas. nothing. And then when i saw him that day he would just look at me and day, i bet your mad cus i didnt get you anything right? WTF? Am i suppose to be happy? and whats with turning it around on me? I always did everything for him. bought stuff on random days and nothing for me. He couldnt even help me by taking my car to get a tune up for my car even though i was paying him and i had to work! but yet i drve 45 minutes out of my way to get him something to eat at work just cus he was too lazy and there was a wendys across the street! I finally had enough and left him and met a guy who i thought was great. I told him everything that happened with my ex and he told me how that sucked and i didnt deserve tht and he was brought up better than that. and guess what? I start dating him and hes the same way. i payed for when we first went out because he was going through money issues and 1 year later its still the same. i alwasts buy us food i give him money for gas and when i ask him for somthing small that doesnt even cost him anything, when i just need his help, he gets upsets. and if he does something for me its like he doesnt feel like he should do anything free for me, so he goes out of his way to find somthing for me to do for him. Its like he knows im just too nice and ill keep paying for everything because im too nice to complain. well i had it. im pissed. valentines is in 2 days, if i get nothing im going to play nice act like i dont care, go to his house and get my stuff and just never talk to him. for any guys that read this, its not about the money, its about showng you care. its doesnt take much, who doesnt have 3 dollars to go buy a card? come on, he borrows money for everything else, how bout he borrows money to get me somthing. what a loser

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2010):

What did you buy him????? Stop moaning and make the man a cup of tea!!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2010):

I know exactly how you feel I have been with my boyfriend almost two years and he got ne nothing for my birthday, Christmas, anniversaries or valentines day. I do not want to sound materialistic but atleast see me on those days don't call me and say happy birthday or merry Christmas why can't you atleast see me or even get me a card. For any special holidays I plan out what I want to get him and it is always something thoughtful. I just don't know what to do anymore I told him how I feel how it makes me sad and I cry I need you to make me feel like I atleast matter you don't have to buy me anything but just spend some time with me he had never even taken me out to dinner! We have only gone to fast food places which is sad I cry so much when i think about it I feel like this is the best I can get and I deserve this, it makes me sad when my friends talk about thier bfs and how they went out for dinner or did something special or got them something. His excuse everytime is yeah I know I made a mistake but he hasn't fixed it and it doesn't seem like he's going to since the holidays keep passing by I think I'm done with him now I don't think I can be with him

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2010):

Break up with him! He doesn't respect you or he is just a very selfish person. Move on!!! Don't waste your youth on the wrong guy. There are many generous, sweet men out there. If you waste your time, you will kick yourself when your 35, and still with him.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2010):

You said he used to be more attentive, does that mean the novilty has warn off, he know's he can avoid making an effort yet still have you and you don't even give him a hard time???

Sounds like you consider him, but not the other way around, No relationship is perfect and you cant bass it on expensive gifts, but a card does not cost much, hell he could even make one!!

Two years is always a tale tale sign whether or not the relationship will last, I'd say if you feel loved and valued most of the time mayby you should accept this but if it were me, I'd feel this is a time and oppitunity for him to make you feel special. Ask yourself what's stopping him from doing that??

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2010):

First of all, sorry about your situation. I agree with everyone on here who says: tell him how you feel, see if he changes, and if not, move on. You have one life to live!!

I also just wanted to speak to something else a lot of folks are on here saying. "Guys just aren't like that." That's BS!!!!!!!! They know how to shop for a small gift, they know where the flower shop is, they KNOW that it is rude to ignore someone's special day or an annversary!! And, really, in the long run, THEY are the ones missing out on a healthy, close relationship with someone they care about. I truly believe that it's all the "little things" that make up the whole relationship. He or she is not worth your time and effort if they can't/don't want to make you feel good.

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A female reader, drgetreal United States +, writes (25 January 2010):

My story is very similar to the original post. My 23rd birthday is this Sunday, and while I realize that it may be too soon for me to post on here, I think otherwise. My bf of 2 years has not celebrated anything that is important to me: no Christmas, birthday, anniversary, nada. I've had a really tough year and being in the middle of applying for med school has only made me want to do something special that much more necessary. My girlfriends tell me to wait until this weekend to see what happens: afterall, how insensitive can someone be if they claim to love you?

I know that I should not rely on someone else to make me happy, but this might just be the last straw. Everyone deserves to feel special, and if you are a boyfriend/girlfriend, you inadvertently signed up for the responsibility. I also agree with the previous posts about conjuring up something special that is inexpensive. Women just want to be loved and feel needed. *sigh* If only this weren't rocket science.

I can tell by how blown up my phone is that he knows something is wrong, but my love life is in need of some major overhauling. I am going downtown with my best friend this weekend in search for my own happiness. I wish my bf would use some context clues and step up his game, but its highly unlikely. Any advice would be great :)

Happy birthday to me.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2010):

Well, three years in the making...My BF doesn't understand why i'm unhappy. Like you all, i am not at all materialistic, i do like to feel like i am thought of, cared about, special. I have expressed this, and have gotten replies like, "our relationship should not be measured by gifts." While he is correct in saying this, i make a point to show him how important he is to me. I buy Eid gifts, anniversary, all that...And get...well, we're all at this site for the same reason. i don't quite understand, because we argue about this, i cry about this...Every year, every holiday/special occasion the same thing.

It doesn't even seem to matter to him either. There's always an excuse, like i got off work late or you want me to come home as soon as i get off. Well, we carpool so i can't go to the mall either, but there is this wonderful thing called internet, that can either give you wonderful ideas for free or inexpensive ideas for letting someone know that you were thinking of them, or all you to shop from almost any store in the world. so while he is looking at hip hop web sites, why not browse for a moment for some idea to please your girl?

Its sad because i've bent over backwards to show this man how special he is.

At this point, i wouldn't say that i am angry or hurt. Been there done that...I would call it more of a confused state. I'm confused about if he cares about how i feel, i'm confused about why he doesn't change, i'm confused about if i should stay or leave.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2009):

Well I am heading for my 7th year with my partner ..... he used to make an effort in the begining cards, flowers, etc.....now I get nothing........not for birthdays not for xmas not any day.....he says i have him and dont need anything else....we have no kids together but he has kids with someone else.

Now the best bit!!!!!! a few days before xmas i found a receipt for flowers, chocolates and a card.....none of them for me they were for the mother of his kids on her birthday....so girls dont take any crap for answers....if one man can do this for another woman check out what yours is doing cos they is no excuses a cheap card would have been better than nothing as it is the thought that counts but nothing is no excuse.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2009):

Same here. I am with my gf for five years now, and things are looking kind of grim. For my 30th birthday she gave me the same as last year: nothing at all. Its been 3 months now, and nada. I even brought her a frakking pearl necklace last month and i has presented with the same indifference, not even an excuse, like shes intitled to it! I just felt used...and still do. Cant really think about planning anything else for us and im going to get rid of this aborted relationship right now.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2009):

I feel for you. I've been with my girlfriend for 6 months and she has a son of 7 years old which I adore and would do anything for. My birthday was only recently. I dident expect much from her as she dident have a lot of money, because she doesent work. I understood she wouldent be able to get much for me.

I would have been happy with a birthday card, but when my birthday came she had got me nothing, claiming she had no money to get anything. A card doesent cost that much surely.

I'm not a materialistic person myself, but it did upset me a bit since I have gotten her quite a bit in the past and I wasent expecting anything big, but not nothing at all.

I have got her something special for Christmas a few weeks back, something she really wanted, but she has just said that she has not had time to get some last minute things before Christmas, which means she hasent bothered to get me anything again.

I think its not right what he has done to you. I know how you feel being in the same boat.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2009):

I am in the same boat. I have been with my boyfriend for over 2 years and he does nothing special for me ever! He washes the kitchen floor sometimes, puts a few pillows upright on the couch, and thinks he has done something grand! The first few months we were together, he brought me to Lake Placid and we stayed the weekend, ate, made love, and had a GREAT romantic weekend. Well since then it has been nada...I got a friggin balloon for Valentines Day last year and he says it is because he had to work a 16-hour shift and was tired. I cried in the bathroom because I was so hurt! Well he had weeks before to get something or plan something or even flowers for gods sake. He says to me “women don’t want nice guys, I have done that before and women don’t like that, they want a guy who is not nice all of the time”. BULLSHIT…I tell him I want something nice and mushy sometimes…and still nothing. My birthday is Sunday and I guarantee I am getting nothing but maybe a card and a nod. I plan his birthday gift and Christmas gifts so they will be special, I make sure he has a nice meal every night and tell him I love him all of the time. I guess I get some niceties when he has been drinking and that just makes me angrier! He is not a cheater, mean or unemployed….just I find myself being sad and envious of women I see who have children and a house and that whole life I am pretty sure I am never going to have. He does nothing to make me feel special. I don’t even sleep in the bed anymore…it started out as his snoring was unbearable so I slept in the living room or my daughters room but now I think it is just I don’t want to be in bed with him anymore….Life sucks …am I the only one who feels like they are getting a raw deal here?

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A female reader, sad lonely mama United States +, writes (4 November 2009):

ok, so how evil is it for your fiance to say "I don't give a f*ck that its your birthday!"...pretty mean i'd say. I have been with my fiance for 4 years now and he has not acknowledged a single birthday, valentines day or mothers day...actually it seems he actually tries to be meaner on those days just so were clear that he's NOT going to act like I'm speacial in any way...it hurts. he's not stingy he buys things all the time for me...but usually nothing romantic.I always go out of my way to try to do something for him. so today is my birthday and here i sit, screaming kids, poopy diapers, stupid kids shows playing giving me a worse headache and he is sleeping away cuz he stayed up all night playing a game! Yay happy birthday to me!I don't want anything really I mean a heart felt "happy birthday" would be fine.That's more than he's done so far.I won't hold my breath though. It is good to know I am not alone. I guess a lot of guys are self centered jerks.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2009):

Yes i feel for you girlfriend, my boyfriend forgot about me it was my 23rd birthday sept 29 and all he wanted to say was he didn't have a job or no money. but its funny how my ex boyfriend sent me a card from jail. I have two kids with this dude.. and i also feel lik im goin to be unhappy because he doesn't got it in him to jus do something sweet for me.. I guess im not worth it to him. its to bad because if i say jump he says how high but he just ignores every occassion

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2009):

why is it that all the people on this page are females?!! where are all the males to send us answers and reassure us of something better?!

Ironic isn't it.

I've been with my bf two yrs and altho he's not that stingy, ( he's splashs out a couple hundred on the occassions he has bought me a gift)

BUT, out of the 7 celebrations we should have celebrated, he only made an effort for three of them.

Ofcourse i should be happy that he even has bothered in the first place, but for the last valentines, christmas and our 1st yr anniverssary(which i'd say was a BIG accomplimshment in our rship!) he didn't bother to make it special or suggest to celebrate, making me feel reluctant to plan anything coz he wouldnt have appreciated it.

It's realli upset me becuase celebrating and gift giving and card making has been a huge part of me and something i really look forward to but if my other half don't see it the same way, I feel id be destined to be in an unhappy rship my whole life if i stayed. This is not because I'm materialistic, its more to do with your partner having the want to make you happy and feel special makes you happy as a couple.

I spoke to him recently with my concern, he says that he stilldoesn't like gift giving, but has agreed to celebrate his bday (which he never used to want to) and will try to celebrate other occassions like our anniversary and christmas more.

I'm sticking to his words and hoping for better, but if it doesn't as i will see in a couple of months, i suggest to all you other ladies out there, MOVE ON!!! because i knw for a fact there are romantic nice guys out there. All my friends i grew up with have always been romantic and sweet to their friends and gfs. your bf should be no less! If he is like this now, GOD HE WILL GET NO BETTER IN TIME!!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2009):

I know exactly how you feel my bday was last sat and i got nothing ...i dont think we are being spoiled or greedy or mean ...its just rude and i hate it.. i dont kno what to do either... i do the same i save up and have to have something for him on his bday becuase its a special day idk... i think the best way is to spill your thoughts and feelings to him through a letter or email so he can hopeful reflect.. becuase if you talk in person he will talk back fix things with his words n not let you finish..

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A female reader, deeplysad United States +, writes (14 September 2009):

Oh, man how odd... what did everyone else google to find this! ha... regardless jeez this is an old post but I have the same issue occurring right now. It isn't my birthday but I have had four of them since we have been together three ann. almost 4 in a week, 3 valentines days, and countless other holidays and he has NEVER NEVER bought me a gift. His parents have but not him. Not a piece of jewelry, not candy, not a gift of any type.

I have asked him why. I have told him it bothers me. I have pleaded for him to just do something... pick a flower out of the yard, but no. The worst part is that I have gf's emailing and texting me saying "My BF sent flowers to my office, Im engaged, Im this Im that" and I have nothing.... hmmmmmm crap... makes me sad

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A female reader, prettypissed United States +, writes (7 August 2009):

And what better time to come across this page than on MY birthday. Yes, I am in the same situation as all of you. It is now officially my birthday and what did I get? A TEXT message. Seriously?

My boyfriend's birthday was at the end of June. I've been broke, we both were, and he knew that. But what did he ask? He asked to go away and gamble for his birthday. I wanted to make him happy, so I said sure. I used my savings to book our hotel room, pay for gas money, pay for gambling, food, etc.

It is now officially my birthday, since 12 am, and he is broke, has not gotten a job, and has nothing for me. All I got was a text message. Oh yeah, he's out with his friends by the way, while I'm sitting at home, angrily typing this onto a web site. Fantastic.

This is, by the way, the second year that he has done this... in a row...

Can someone please send me a charming, good looking man who is not selfish?? Please??

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2009):

hi, i found this page and i'm very happy that i wasn't only one feeling the same!

i do have similar story as yours, me and my boyfriend is together for 3 years now. ever since with my boyfriend i never ever had nice birthdays. i never received any simple cards or flowers or anything nice. most of all no special days for us.

first year on my birthday, i was packing up his ex's stuff together with him and brought many boxes to post office and sent them out.

second year, he wasn't the first one to wish my birthday actually he forgot and i made an accident when i was driving his car in the evening then i called him, he went angry and didn't come and see me.

last year, my birthday was on sunday, he didn't take me out and we just stayed at home doing nothing. we went damn cheap lunch and he told me why every year birthday need to be special? i was shock. came back home i cried in my room and he went out with his friends, few hours later he came back with chocolate cake, no candle, no massage, no nothing. just a chocolate cake.

all his birthdays i did my best to made him happy and made best of him. but all nothing to him, or it is normal for him that i do something nice for him.

i know i have to stop this and moving on by myself. but till today i still waiting for him to change, i know this is stupid but i don't know when to stop.

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A female reader, dating a narcissist? United States +, writes (23 June 2009):

I feel your pain. My story is pretty much the same.

My b-day was two days before fathers day. I got him something nice several days before, told him that I did - and how much it cost. -No big deal-

Friday, My b-day comes. I had the day off, walked the kids to the park, and we had fun. He gets off work early, and hangs out with his boss for a few hours while I waited at home. He buys himself a paintball gun and arranges to go play with his boss Saturday. He comes home with nothing for me. He said Happy B-day every time he called.

----- but c'mon, He was in a store. He could've bought a $20 bottle of perfume and I would've been thrilled to get it. He called me selfish because I pointed out that he could've gotten anything, and instead he didn't make any effort at all. He was angry because I had gotten him something that was expensive. A bigger price margin after his paintball gun. And now he didn't have enough to get me something equally as nice, which isn't what I expected. He had way more than enough $$ so that's BS. I know how much is in our account and I made part of it. Being cheap is better than nothing....But I'm selfish?

I have to work Saturday (3-10 pm), but he says to make up for missing my b-day, well celebrate it saturday. Even though he's already got plans. He won't be gone all day, he says.

Saturday comes, he leaves early and I go to work from 3-10 pm. I get off work, and he's still gone. I call him and he's on his way home. They played all day and went back for dinner and hung out for a while. He gets home at about 11:30 and I'm tired. I want to sleep. He still had nothing for me. He wants me to rub his sore back/feet/neck... No matter how sore I am, I never get any rubbing.

Father's day comes...and it's all about him. He wants this, he wants that. Whole day is his way. We did nothing while I was home. I was bothered by it and let him know that I was not the selfish one in this relationship, and that he needed to see reality, because I had a crappy b-day. a crappy make-up b-day. and he didn't deserve to have father's day be like he wanted it. Especially when my mother's day went sour like my b-day did. Mother's day was his day 2.

I bought something nice for myself.

I don't know how to fix that, but I can tell you what I'm doing. His b-day is coming next month. I'm buying something, but won't be giving it too him for a week. I'm not telling him I got him anything. I am letting him know first hand how it feels to have someone make you feel like your day doesn't matter, cuz it's about time he tasted that too.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2009):

Well i think that it makes the woman not feel important when the guy in the relationship does not get her anything and when something speical comes up for the guy you always seem to try to get him something speical i think that if he does not give you anything maybe you should tell him that you fell left out and you don't know what to think about how you feel about me i know you don't like telling him and making him argue but im a girl and i have a boyfriend that i been dating for 1year and 11months one year i didn't give him anything for his birthday in i felt like shit but if he does it more then twice i would have to say something about that...you shouldn't feel like your not important your a woman and you should fell like one..don't let a guy make you feel down and not make you feel special

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2009):

I am so tired of this too. My Fiancee' says that he grew up in a family that didnt have much money so what little money they had left went to things they could use and not stuff that would be thrown out in a few months anyways. So he says whats the point.-That makes my heart sink- He does get me some stuff for holidays but never anything special. Sometimes just a card. I love him to pieces but it really hurts when i ask him to be more romantic and send me flowers to work and personally deliver them or take me out some where really nice(and not just one of our usual spots) and get a response back like "Well i dont have that much money right now" or "maybe some time sweetie" it makes me cry. All i want is for my man to do something over the top one time and not just on a special holiday but just because he wants to. I try to tell him we are not his parents but then he comes back at me with "Well, your a girl and you expect fancy things all the time thats just how girls are" or "I'm just not that type of romantic" and he gets mad at me when i bring it up. I know i deserve nice things but when i hear things like this i really doubt myself.

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A female reader, raspy Canada +, writes (8 May 2009):

I never write in this blogs but when i read your story I just had to reply. Even if you never read this, it will do me some good to get it off my chest.I had (and i say had because my boyfriend and I just broke up 2 months ago) been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 6 long years. The first year we went out i noticed the signs of cheapness but attmeped to ignore them because i was in love. From not getting anything for special occasions to giving me terribly cheap gifts I realised that things were never going to change. But this past Feb, i had enough, not even a card for my birthday. I WAS FURIOUS. So i picked up and went to hawaii with my girl. It was the best brithday gift i could have given to myself. So my advise to you is.....do you....make sure that u are always happy even if that means having to treat yourself. And dont let him get the best of you....dont spoil him until you see some improvements. Or do like i did...move on.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2009):

My boyfriend remembers my birthday but he stated that we should not exchange gifts because he did not want the obligation of buying anything. I thought what a cheap-o!

Then I questioned him and found out that his parents never celebrated his birthday and confirmed this on his 29th birthday when his father knownily totally ignored his birthday. But that does not excuse him. I talked it out and told him my expectations were different. Things started to change. I told him what I wanted and even took him where it was located and he bought it along with a card he picked out on his own. It's not a surprise but it beats not getting anything.

Guys are clueless on how to celebrate. After this I got a V-day teddie bear w/card one year (I picked it out), the next year on V-Day,I got a Roman statue with assorted flowers (I picked it), I picked the restaurant and he spent $50 on dinner. I made him see the importance and informed him that I was not going to be ignored or forgotten. I talked it out because I was always doing nice things for him and giving him gifts to show my love.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2009):

wow, sounds like me, except all of you are talking about males. in my case, my gf hasn't done one single thing, it's quite frustrating really. I can only say, people have to deal with it or find someone else who can fulfill your expectations. It's the only way. :(

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2008):

no you have the right to be mad, just yesterday was mine and my boyfriend's 2 year anniversary and i went out and got him a nice robe, not the biggest item but 2 years is the cotton anniversary and christmas is coming up so more money to spend, but i still bought him something and wrote a cute card... in return i got nothing! i was told we might go out for dinner, instead we sat at his parents house and did nothing. most of the time he was outside playing with a mini bike and a mud truck while i sat in the house alone, on my anniversary! i felt selfish too, but now i realize i have the right to be selfish. stuff like this only happens once a year, is it really that difficult to do something nice once a year? i don't think so, because if we can manage to do it so can they! don't let him give you the guilt trip, or turn it around to feel bad for him he is the one who screwed up. MEN NEED TO CARE MORE! or at least care enough to know what is important to you.

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A female reader, theocm United States +, writes (17 November 2008):

theocm agony aunti agree, buy yourself something for the next holiday and just smile. you deserve to be reminded how special you are. don't ever sell yourself short- with xmas coming up, you should have something special under that tree if its not the man in your life.

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A female reader, rangtang Australia +, writes (5 October 2008):

no, i understand what you mean completely.

my boyfriend and i have been together for 6 months yesterday.

and for the past few weeks i had been remdinding him about it and hinting that we should do something - anything!!

so he tells me that he'll 'think of something'.

on the friday night before the anniversary, i asked if he had anything planned. he said he didnt know what to do.. and got angry and so did i. last night my friend and i planned something to do for both of our boyfriends together, and then when we left their surprise notes and clothes ready for them and the destination they had to go to - i got a call from him saying he didnt want to go out.

and i recieved no present, saying that he didnt know where to buy flowers!!. my boyfriend also never thinks of it as important, but since we haven't been together for each others birthdays or valentines day, i wouldnt be able to tell you about that.. but honestly. it sounds (and feels) wrong. I hate getting upset about stupid things like this, but if its hurting your feelings because you expected it( and he knows that you did) then he's not doing his job good enough. if you maybe remind him about these things ( i know you shouldnt have to, being your birthday and all) maybe he'll see that you want him to give you something and maybe he'll do it... i know it sounds stupid, asking instead of just being surprised... but sometimes.. men just need a big push.

good luck!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2008):

I speak as the voice of experience. Don't invest any more time in this relationship.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2008):

I hate men.

I'm beccomin a lesbian.

lol kiddin

what is his problem?I swear i wanna beat him.

sweety,i hope everything will be okay.i kno he is a pain in the ass.

I have my jerk too,for 8 years.

i cross my fingers for you

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A female reader, hippeechick United States +, writes (30 July 2008):

Here is a term for you..."Narcissist." Look it up and see if there are any similarities between this personality type and your boyfriend. Sure, there are forgetful or "challenged" boyfriends or husbands but when it becomes a pattern, it's good advise to start noticing the red flags. If your partner knows it's your birthday and has even had discussions with you over gifts but then ignores the day completely, he is sending you a message loud and clear. Recently, a young lady I know planned a trip for her birthday, included the guy of 8 months, was asked what she wanted for her BD and still, not even a "Happy Birthday" until nearly midnight of her special day. This chump had bragged about having a few grand in his checking account, spends hundreds at a time for his own personal luxuries, and promised her something "special" as a gift. When she confronted him, he said "I just didn't know what to get you" and then after many tears and her response of "I'm not buying that story", he changed his excuse to "I ordered something, it didn't arrive yet." Still upset and looking at him with utter disgust, he then says it was someone else's fault for not helping him order what he wanted...a beautiful item from a famous and prestigious silver jewelery company. Always the one to try to inject common sense to a problem, I stated" so how does any of these excuses warrant no card or "Happy Birthday?" Sad to say, she's not ready to dump his sorry behind but the time is nearing, I am sure. I do hope, on his birthday, she makes a point of stopping in a sports store or another of his favorites and purchases something for herself, her brother, cousin or donation ....my suggestion, if she does go ahead and maintain a "relationship" with him, expect NOTHING and you won't be disappointed. This type of person can't see beyond their own needs and you are just not that important for them to step outside of themselves to do for another...time to go fishing for a better partner, one who sees your relationship as a two way street.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2008):

Okay all you girls get this straight...guys are not like us in anyway for the most part guys do NOT know what to get us most of the time they are not creative and when it seems like they are...well they're NOT...most of the time they go out and ask their friends(girls) what to get their girlfriend....and then you think...OOHHH they're soooo sweet..believe me when you've been dating the same person for over 5 years...since middle school you figure things out...and no we arent the type of couple to break up and get back together and break up and,....well u know the drill....so look don't worry about it if they start lackin on the being sweethearts it's not their fault....they clearly don't want anything big for their birthday a simple happy birthday kiss should satisfy,....especially if that's all you got....."do to other as you would like done to you".."buy SUPER nice things for people's birthdays if they do the same for you"....as selfish as that may sound...would you rather be going BROKE when they get you nothing...since day 1 my boyfriend and I know we can't buy each other things because we didn't have jobs at day one...hahaha..but we have COMPLETELY opposite taste, COMPLETELY...we can't shop together because we never like what the other likes....So for valentine's day he gets me roses and a teddy...usually a kitty because he knows I LOVE cats and for my bday he gets me balloons and a card...and I'm fine with that because i don't get him anything except for his birthday, then i'll give him $25 or $50 gift card for sears becuase he loves working on his cars and he buys tools their...valentine's day, a nice Tshirt...so there's hope that helps

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2007):

Well all I can say is, most guys seem to be like this! Since I'm with my boyfriend I got him several present without any occassion, but he never got me anything. Even this week, when I had my graduation, he did not turn op for dinner with my family and when we saw eachother this weekend he didnt even bother to congratulate me!!! Ofcourse he had an excuse: his car was broken because of an accident and he couldnt drive with it. Later that day, he stepped in his car and drove of as his friend apparently 'fixed' it!!! So no advice, sorry, just some support!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2007):

I know how you feel sweetie and it sux so bad! I was with my ex-boyfriend for two years and he never bought me one present for any holiday what-so-ever!

Now, it has been a year with a really good guy who gave me a diamond cross necklace for Christmas and a few cute things for Valentines Day.

Then it was his birthday, so I went broke buying him a present to make sure he had something on his Day! Then came my birthday. He suprised me later during the day around 3:00 when he walked into my office at work and gave me roses and a hug in front of everyone.

Later when I got home we got ready to go out to eat at a five star sea food restaurant. Once there, he said, "Ok, are you ready for me to tell you what your birthday present is?" I said, "Of course." and he said, "I am going to buy you a new pair of eye glasses since the dog chewed your old pair up." ... my mouth dropped. I quickly replied, "I don't wnat that for my birthday." He said, "Well, I didn't have time to go out and get you anything." ... sure is funny that the weekend before he went shopping at the mall to buy himself some clothes, he could have gotten me something then.

Needless to say, a couple of weeks later I went to go get a new pair of glasses and he decided to stay home and watch a movie. So of course I ended up paying for them and he never offered me any money. Well, the glasses cost almost as much as my part of the rent, so now I am a month behind on the rent and his response to that is, "Pay it whenever you can. I'm not gonna kick you out." OMG! I don't even know what to do about that.

Guys just need to understand that we want them to make us feel special and we will make them feel extra special in return. If they state another girl is pretty, back it up by telling us that we're prettier. Ya know?

Any way, I want you to feel like you are not alone, becuase I thought I was until I read this web site. It hurts, it really does, and I don't know what to do about it nor do I know what to tell you to do. It would be nice if someone could give the perfect answer.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2007):

My boyfriend did not get me anything for my last birthday and i was terribly upset, it isn't like he forgot either, i had been talking about it A LOT! His birthday is 2 days before mine and I got him several nice items and took us out to dinner (Also keep in mind our anniversary is between our birthdays) I didn't get anything for that either. He said that he was just to busy to get me something. Yeah right. I recall that day and he spent it playing video games. It is time for my birthday again this year and our 2 year anniversary. This year he says he doesn't have any money to get me something and if i want something I have to take out a loan for him to get it!

So i guess I should forget about an anniversary present again. My best friend's bday is the same day and we are all going on a trip together, its going to be hard seeing her husband doing nice things for her birthday and I wont be getting anything :( I told him that it wasnt about money or presents but about him showing that he cares for me and he could do something that doesnt cost money, but im not expecting that either. I told him last year if this ever happened again I was breaking up with him.....well its happening again...now i just have to decide what to do. I am sorry I cannot help resolve this for you, but just wanted to share that you arent alone and it sucks.

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A female reader, happytochat Australia +, writes (5 September 2007):

I can understand your disapointed. Its not as if all presents cost heaps and if he was so low on cash, he could of still made something, like even a card he doesnt even have to buy. But perhap he just isnt that creative? afterall he is a mmale and is into cars...doesnt sound like the creative type.

Explain to him how you felt and say you know i dont expect anything big, but just a litle sign that you remembered by bday and did something for me would of been really good. Give him some ideas for next tme. Make him realise that not all bday gifts have to be so big and materalistic. Its about showing love. Not showering someone with some expensive gift.

p.s. I used to have a bf who spent SO much money on doing up his car too, so that he couldnt pay for my dinner on special occasions when he did before he found his new love for cars. It was hard....so i understand how you are feeling.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2007):

Have a really good chat with him and explain things to him as you have done to us. If he doesn't make you happy and you cannot live with this then move on. life is too short.

take care

xx

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A female reader, Cupcake Canada +, writes (4 September 2007):

Cupcake agony auntYah I would not be impressed. This is not about forgetting or money. If you love someone you atleast, ATLEAST get them a card, and still I dont think thats enough... Birthdays and Valentines day are days that you celebrate with the person you love, by giving them something special or doing something special with them. Honestly Id tell him how mad it made me, and let him know he wouldnt be getting anything from me anymore. My boyfriend always goes so much out of his way to give me a perfect Valentines day or birthday and still buys me flowers ATLEAST once a month, hes always done this and I love it that way. Every girl deserves it.

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A female reader, penta United States +, writes (4 September 2007):

penta agony auntIf this is a symptom of a general pattern? Or does he remember other birthdays of important people: his mom's or siblings' birthdays? He may be one of those date-challenged people. My husband is this way (he doesn't remember dates across the board).

His favorite present (that "he" got for me) was when I HANDED HIM something in the store and said: "I want this for my birthday." He got a HUGE smile on his face, paid for it, wrapped it and wrote a hand-written note to go with it (no card), then gave it back to me (the same day). At least guaranteed that I got exactly what I want, lol.

If your guy is one of these you may just have to get used to it, especially if everything else is going well. He'll want to do well by you when you remind him, but otherwise he will forget.

I know, it's romantic to be surprised. But guys just aren't that way. If this is the case you'll need to decide how important this is vs. all the other stuff in the package that is your beau.

(I also get and send all the b-day cards to my husband's friends and family. I just put it in front of him to sign. I like doing this kind of thing and he always forgets, so I just do it for him. It makes him happy so he does other things for me that make me happy.)

If it's just that your guy is cheap, you might remind him that it only takes $2 for a really nice card, and that you'd be happy with ANYTHING he spent time and/or thought on, regardless of the cost. But doing NOTHING makes you feel that he didn't even think about you.

And if it's a pattern of him spending money on himself only, then you might want to bring this up to him. It doesn't bode well for getting anything for yourself out of this relationship, over all, if he drops so much cash on himself that he doesn't have anything left over for you.

Try to see exactly what the pattern is, and what exactly you want. Then talk to him calmly about it to see if you can come to a compromise (like my husband and I have). Please don't expect him to read your mind about what is important to you, especially if giving/receiving gifts isn't a priority to him.

Good luck hon.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2007):

Hey, he is being a selfish ass. You know it. He should have gotten you a 2 dollar card and maybe taken you out for a decent meal. That's all you want, to be recognised on your b-day from the man who is supposed to love you. next time his special day comes, don't even say happy birthday. ignore it 100%. screw him.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2007):

Play the same game he's playing. DO NOT give him any cards or presents for upcoming events. Don't start buying cards again till he starts being more senstive and buys you a damn card!

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (4 September 2007):

eyeswideopen agony auntNext time it's his birthday buy something for yourself as a birthday present. He'll get the hint. If my husband forgot to buy me something for Mother's Day when the kids were little I'd buy myself something great on Father's Day. It worked like a charm.

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