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My boyfriend disappeared for days and I feel sad, confused, and lonely

Tagged as: Breaking up, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (26 August 2014) 3 Answers - (Newest, 26 August 2014)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

My boyfriend and I have (or had...) a very happy relationship, at least it was happy on my end, and he seemed happy too, but now I have no idea what is going on. It was very hard for me to trust him at first because of all the things that have happened to me with guys. But over time he earned my complete trust and he was my best friend, he made me feel beautiful and loved, he was the first person I wanted to share things with, etc. and now having my best friend just completely disappear has been very hard on me.

My boyfriend and his family aren't doing too great financially and so my boyfriend, his father, and his brother are all involved in dealing drugs...He was not doing that when we first got together and I had no idea any of this would happen but it has, and I guess I got too close to him to leave him because of that and I don't know how to get him to stop. My bf has a job but he got injured so he had to take a break for a while and he's been going to physical therapy and will be returning soon (thank god) so maybe he would stop once he returned to his job...

Last week, he went missing for almost a week. He did not contact me at all and would not answer my calls or texts. This was very strange to me because we used to talk almost every single day. After days of this, I started to think he was doing this to break up with me, but I was also really worried that he was hurt or in jail because of the stuff he is involved in. Then, one night he knocked on my door. He told me that his phone had been broken (screen shattered) and he didn't have my number memorized/written down anywhere so he couldn't call or text me. He had his mom's phone with him and he asked me to put my number in her phone, so I did. I told him how worried I was about him. He cuddled with me and everything felt like it was back to normal and he left after a while. When he got home he texted me from his mom's phone saying he would take me out Thursday, and would call me the next day when his mom got home from work (because he was using her phone).

Thursday came, and I waited all day for him to call me or text me or show up at my house, and he never showed up. And I didn't hear from him the day after that, or the day after that, etc.... And now it's been a week since we last talked. I sent him a message on Facebook saying we need to talk ASAP but he hasn't seen the message and hasn't even logged onto Facebook in a loooong time.

I have no idea what's going on with him. I have no idea if we are still together or not. I have no idea if he will ever contact me ever again, and whenever my phone goes off or if someone knocks on my door I run to it hoping it's him, but it never is. I have been distracting myself as much as possible and avoid talking about him to others so I don't remind myself of him but it's always in the back of my mind. And at night time I just get so lonely and sad and can't stop thinking about it. The fact that he showed up at my door after not talking to me for days gives me hope that he will eventually show up at my door again but I don't know if hoping is doing me any good. And the fact that I trust him so much makes me keep thinking he'll be back.

How do I cope with this loneliness and confusion?

View related questions: a break, best friend, drugs, facebook, in jail, text

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (26 August 2014):

Honeypie agony auntYou are being so very very naive and THAT will hurt most YOU in the end.

His whole FAMILY are selling drugs, because of bad finances? Seriously? Do they think they are the "new" Breaking Bad family?

Honey, you might think this is LOVE, but if his family goes down (and that is highly possible) then guess what? YOU can end up in trouble too, just by default.

The guy is filling you with bull crap and you are soaking it up as the Gospel. Since when is dealing drugs OK?

If he DOES show up, end it. YOU are NOT a priority in his life. You are a distraction. Some fun and games. THAT, my dear, IS NOT LOVE.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2014):

You have no idea what you're involving yourself in. He deals drugs and involved with the lowest and most dangerous people in society. He is breaking the law for profit, it is a "family business" apparently. You say his dad and brother are known dealers. They're not doing too great financially?

So selling drugs is the answer to their problems?

You know what he is doing will get him into a lot of trouble, and he could serve a long sentence in jail.

He could cross the wrong people and also end-up dead.

I'm not going to sugar-coat a damned thing about it, because you know the life. You're not stupid.

You are not in a daytime TV drama, this is real-life. He is a criminal waiting to be caught, and the police will not hesitate to kick your door in, if they need to arrest him.

He will be recognized on the street by his patrons, he will lie to you and make excuses to make what he's doing look noble and necessary. Drug-dealing is illegal and dangerous; and narcotics enforcement don't only watch the small-time dealers on the street, but their girlfriends and everyone they're involved with.

I can only tell you that you place your own family in harms way messing with a drug-dealer; because they are usually in competition on the street with gangs and other dealers who sometimes get pretty nasty over turf and customers. If his father does it, it is their way of life; and he has now been drawn into it. He probably always was, and you just didn't mention it. Claiming he had a job but....

The legit job is only a front in most cases.

I am only hoping he dumps you, in order to save you. You aren't going to dump him, you're ignoring the fact he has now chosen a criminal life. Young women who insist on having their lives intertwined with guys like your boyfriend end-up visiting their boyfriends in jail,usually left raising his kid(s) alone, and always waiting for him to get out. Only to do the same crap, and ending-up back in jail.

I hope he never contacts you again; because you're too wrapped up in him to do the sensible thing on your own. Your hopes and dreams will only be destroyed trying to be the girlfriend of a guy who has chosen breaking the law as a way to earn his money.

It's dirty filthy money, and usually has blood on it somewhere along the line. He'll have illegal weapons, and may be carrying illegal drugs on him from time to time. It's not glamorous like portrayed in the movies. It's low-life and dangerous. I'm afraid you probably will not listen to reason, too many young women like you have to learn the hard way for it to resonate with you. For your sake, I hope he ends up in jail so you can move on.

Maybe that will change him, and he will choose another way to earn his money. Other than selling poison to feed the addictions of sick people who either end-up destroying their lives, losing loved ones, or dead.

Sometimes girlfriends ending paying back his debts selling their bodies, or on drugs themselves; if he gets robbed or mugged for his stash. He can't call the police. He has to replace the money and drugs. It is likely he is also in a gang; and he has no other choice but to do as he's told. When rivals come after him, they care not who he's with; or who is in the way of their bullets. Yes, bullets. That's how their game is played. It's not the cool guy with the party-favorites at a party, that's how they put a less threatening face on it.

It's the dark and creepy people who supply the product and earn the big profits. Selling pills, weed, crack, and whatever people like to get high on. That's a sleazy life.

Being with someone like him places you and your family at risk. That isn't a joke.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (26 August 2014):

CindyCares agony aunt The family business must not be going too well, if your bf cannit even replace his cell hone at once !. For a pusher, his phone is an essential work tool- how is he going to take orders and do deliveries without one ?...

Anyway, yes, alas being a pusher' s gf is not like being a bank cherk's gf, with a pusher there's always a certain inpredictability in his work hours and actual location. They may have been arrested and be under custody. Or at the hospital, due to some disgruntled customer or some jealous, aggressive business rival. They may have to lay low because someone whom they do not wish to meet with, is looking for them. They may have had to make a quick dash to Tijuana or out of state or wherever it's their supplier to take care of a new shipment. They may have decided to go party with their customers and be recuperating from a binge in some crack house. For all you know, he is enjoying a week of free blow jobs from some female customer who can't pay cash. And if the family cooks meth, they can have blown themselves up ( but that would be in the news, I guess ).

I am sure you do not find my words particularly soothing or comforting, OP. That's because I do not want to be soothing and comforting. I think your choice of a partner was extremely inappropriate for a sane, happy, normal 18-21 girl with a clean prison record. There's a limit even for indulging your natural hormonal pull and romantic inclinations, and I think you should draw it at being involved with organized crime. Yes, OP, organized crime, you do not need to remind me that this is just some cocked up mom-and-pop operation to let some kids have some weed,- I figure by myself it's no Colombian cartel. We should see ,though , if the police, and the law, will feel it this way and decide to turn a blind eye, and not apply the letter of the Law ( which is pretty harsh ) to this family business.

I think that even at 18 and even in love, there is a limit within which you can shut your brain off and let feelings, impulses and chemistry win over everything, and you have way passed that limit.

If you could manage to re-open your brain for business for a little while, you should hope and pray that he NEVER comes back again.

Probably, rhough , this won't be the case- wooden pennies always have a way to show up again, don't they.

So yes, I think in his own good time, once he has finished taking care of his ( monkey ) business, he WILL show up again. Particularly if he needs something. Money, a new cell phone, sex with someone " clean ". You can be sure he will have some " the dog ate my homework " excuse, and... rinse and repeat till the next time.

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