A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am 23 years old and am a doctor. I am in india. I am in love with my boyfriend for 5years our relationship has been fine except for a few ups and downs . During the first year of our college my bf was dating a classmate of ours they then stopped talking i know about this. 1 year back i came to know that he has been having sex with her and watching porn together . I confronted him he accepted everything he was not drunk he said the porn made him cheat. I thought of givin him a second chance . The next year was fine a week back i saw that he was chatting with another girl in facebook it was casual when i asked abt it he said she was like his sister. I find it hard to beleive him these days. More over my parents are not willing for our marriage as he is a muslim by religion i am trying to convince them and to marry him i have to change my religion and facing a lot. Despite of all the steps i take he is chattin with someone else this hurts me a lot. I expect him to give me some trust, but he makes me feel insecure . The cultural setup in our country does not give space for me to take a decision individually. What should i do how should i deal with this . Please help. I am badly in need for advice.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2013): Intrigued's answer is pure gold. Nothing else to add.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (29 September 2013):
 WOW, Intrigued.... Your's is a great response.... and is probably EXACTLY what the OP needs to hear!!!!! Now, let's hope that she reads, and follows, your advice....
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (29 September 2013):
 If you marry this man, this is what is going to happen to you. You will convert to his religion, which will cause a rift in your family. Some family members may stop talking to you. Meanwhile, he will continue to cheat on you, because you accepted his pathetic excuses the first and the second time. You may become pregnant, therefore feeling trapped in the marriage. Ten years down the road, you will begin to hate him and hate your marriage and you will wish you could make your decision all over again. If you could do it all over again, you would not choose to be with him. The only blessing from this union will be your children. Your family may or may not support you through your difficult times. You may have to face hardships and heartache on your own.
The other choice - You leave him, face the heartbreak of distancing yourself from someone you've given five years of your life to. He'll probably try to win you back with sweet words and empty promises of fidelity. You will become a stronger woman by choosing to leave him behind and move on. Ten years from now, you will be happily married to another man whom you have chosen because he treats you well. You will have a beautiful family. You may see your ex on the street somewhere, his wife and kids in tow. His wife will have a look of misery on her face. He will be happy to see you and might even try to give you his number (once a cheater always a cheater). At that moment you will thank God that you did not marry him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2013): You should not let your heart overrule your logic. You know he is unfaithful and a liar. His religion doesn't allow porn. How could you marry someone whom you don't trust?
Why would you change your whole belief-system and faith for someone who doesn't follow his own? You are a highly intelligent woman; but you let your heart cover your eyes and ears. The facts are before you, and you ignore them. He is a mistake in your life, and insults your intelligence.
Please pull yourself together to gather the strength to purge him entirely from your life. He isn't even worth the trouble you'd be facing with your family, friends, and ultimately your feelings.
Don't let love blind you to his antics and lack of respect for you. You will look like a fool to everyone around you, and if you marry him; you'll soon have to divorce him.
You will alienate your family, loose your respect within your community, and you'll hang your head in shame for letting yourself be degraded by a cheat and philanderer.
You came to us; because you needed objective and unbiased opinion. Here is mine.
It is time to end your relationship with this man and make yourself available for someone kind, honest, respectful, and loving. Don't give-up anything else.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (29 September 2013):
 OP very good advice from Tisha and Xearo!
He's only giving you flimsy excuses for his cheating ("the porn made me do it"; "she's like my sister." Yeah, sure she is; right. If you believe that then there's a bridge in London I'd like to sell you!
No - he's not to be trusted, no way. Nor should you change your religion just to marry him. Your parents are looking out for your welfare in being unwilling for you to get married to him.
Think about it: you change your religion, get married, and sooner or later he has an affair or "fling" with someone else. Then where would be be? It's not worth it, OP.
The ONLY reason to change your religion would be IF you had studied Islam, its teachings and expectations and were convinced that it was something YOU wanted for YOURSELF, not for the sake of him or any other man.
You need to think very seriously about whether you want to continue with this man.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 September 2013):
 "The porn made him cheat." Oh brother. So it's probably Facebook who is forcing him to chat with other girls?
I would set him free to facebook chat and watch porn while having sex with exes. You deserve better, don't you think? If you don't, then ask your friends what they think about him and his behavior. Can't tell them? That should tell you all you need to know about him and his behavior.
I'm sure there are more suitable men, I know you say you are in love with him but are you really in love with the man himself or the man you wish he could be?
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (29 September 2013):
For now you should stop trying to convince your parents. You need to find out where this relationship is going because there is a big chance he may cheat on you.
When a man calls another woman "his sister" this is very questionable. Also you did not know about this girl until you saw the messages...this is also questionable. If she was just his friend, I he would have mentioned her name at least once in his life. I think he has taken you for granted and these are not good signs of good change for the future.
I do not think you should marry this person anytime soon. I think you deserve someone who is more devoted to you and more honest. I assume you are very hard working and true to your profession of being a doctor, so you need a man who will comfort you but also understand that you are a busy lady. There are a lot of good guys out there, so do not sell yourself short!
Give some time to yourself and think about these things. Trust your gut in these matters.
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